The FBI Cleared Brad Pitt

After being cleared by the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services on November 9,  Brad Pitt has also just been  cleared of child abuse by the FBI after he allegedly had some type of altercation with his 15-year old son, Maddox, during an international flight last month. The incident, which also lead to the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt divorce, led FBI investigators to interview Jolie and the kids for almost 3 hours.  Anyway, long story short, the whole case has been dropped.

“The FBI has conducted a review of the circumstances and will not pursue further investigation,” said a statement sent to USA TODAY by FBI spokeswoman Laura Eimiller. “No charges have been filed.

You know what else is about to get dropped? A shit load of money on Christmas presents out of Brad Pitt’s wallet. Sorry about what I did on the plane, Maddox. Here, I bought you Cambodia. Go wild. Merry Christmas.

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Angelina Jolie Basically Just Hired Olivia Pope To Join Her Divorce Team
Angelina Jolie Basically Just Hired Olivia Pope To Join Her Divorce Team



If you were somehow under the impression the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt divorce was going to be amicable HAHAHAHA it’s not. It’s really not. Jolie hired crisis manager Judy Smith, the inspiration for Kerry Washington’s character Olivia Pope on Scandal. 

Jolie’s team has retained the help of legendary crisis manager Judy Smith, amid the actress’ ongoing divorce with Brad Pitt. …“Judy has been asked to consult with those working with Angelina on divorce negotiations,” a source close to the situation tells PEOPLE. “Judy and her firm have a long history of handling issues that have unfortunately garnered too much attention in the public eye, and she knows how to push towards resolutions that are swift and discreet.”

So naturally, Brad Pitt’s airplane meltdown, which resulted in him being investigated for child abuse, was leaked to the media. But wait, there’s more!

And with the latest addition of Smith, Jolie is quickly creating a powerhouse team in her ongoing split from Pitt. Celebrity divorce attorney Laura Wasser is also representing the actress.

If you don’t know who Laura Wasser is, you should by now. She was Johnny Depp’s lawyer. She wasn’t Amber Heard’s lawyer, so despite every piece of irrefutable evidence that Depp abused her, Amber Heard walked away with $7M of Johnny Depp’s $400M fortune. $7M that she couldn’t even keep, because Wasser forced her hand. Long story short, Jolie ain’t fucking around with Brad Pitt. I would say Jennifer Aniston’s nipples are hard over this news, but that’s probably just the cocaine.

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Brad Pitt’s Plane Meltdown Is On Video
Brad Pitt’s Plane Meltdown Is On Video


We now know Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie split, because Brad Pitt allegedly likes to get drunk and abuse his kids. And this one was caught on video.

According to insiders, Pitt can be seen on video “looking drunk” and “yelling.” The footage is reportedly from Wednesday, September 14, after the Jolie Pitt family’s jet stopped for fuel at Minnesota’s International Falls Airport.  “Brad is seen yelling a lot during it, but nothing physical,” one source tells Us of the footage. Another source tells Us that Jolie and Pitt allegedly got into a heated exchange while aboard their private plane. “He got drunk and was fighting with Angie,” the source says. “Maddox stepped in to defend Angie and got in Brad’s face.”

So basically Pitt got drunk on the plane, starting yelling at Jolie, then Maddox stepped in, and Pitt starting yelling at him and possibly put hands on the kid. I know some of you have told me this was “discipline”, but I don’t know what trailer park you grew up in, because “discipline” is when you learn something. Glad we cleared that up. Buy you gotta hear both sides. Pitt’s friend has a take.

A source close to Pitt notes that “teenagers have fights with their parents, especially when you have teens who are strong-willed and confident. You’re going to have back and forth.”  The insider also adds that “the abuse suggestions are inaccurate.”

I don’t know how “inaccurate” the suggestions are since the FBI is now involved:

“In response to your inquiry regarding allegations within the special aircraft jurisdiction of the United States; specifically, an aircraft carrying Mr. Brad Pitt and his children, the FBI is continuing to gather facts and will evaluate whether an investigation at the federal level will be pursued..”

To recap: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were together for 12 years, had 6 kids, and as soon as he couldn’t be an alcoholic on his own time and dragged the kids into it, she dipped. She should teach a class.


Major key:


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Marion Cotillard Is Pregnant, Denies Affair
Marion Cotillard Is Pregnant, Denies Affair


The first theory to explain why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie split was that Pitt was banging Marion Cotillard. We now know that’s not true. Like at all. But to make sure this whole theory is cleared right the fuck up, Marion Cotillard did the 2016 version of a press release – an Instagram rant. 

(more…)

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Brad Pitt Is Being Investigated For Child Abuse After Some Shit On His Plane
Brad Pitt Is Being Investigated For Child Abuse After Some Shit On His Plane


Two days ago the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie divorce news dropped. Angelina Jolie made a point in the divorce docs to say she didn’t want Pitt around the kids. Brad Pitt then released a statement that said, “what matters most now is the well-being of our kids“. Everything you just read now explains this story. 

Brad Pitt is under investigation for child abuse after after he allegedly got “verbally abusive” and “physical” with one of his children with Angelina Jolie on the couple’s private plane while their other kids were present, PEOPLE confirms.  The Los Angeles Police Department and L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services are both investigating after someone anonymously reported the incident last Wednesday on the tarmac, a source tells PEOPLE.  Pitt is accused of getting verbally abusive with one couple’s kids, as well as getting “physical,” a source says. Jolie was present at the time, along with at least some of their other children.  The report allegedly indicates he had been drinking at the time of the incident.

Then he kept going after the plane landed. 

We’re told the plane landed at an airport around 8 PM, and witnesses say Pitt continued his rant on the tarmac, and even tried leaving in one of the fuel trucks. Our sources say someone either on the plane or the tarmac anonymously reported the incident to the L.A. County Dept. of Children and Family Services. We’re told Brad and Angelina have already been interviewed and DCFS plans to interview the kids as well. That investigation is ongoing.

So basically, Brad got drunk (like he apparently loves to do often) and abused his kinds, Angelina said, “oh hell nah, bitch” and filed for divorce, then Brad woke up in the bathroom and realized he fucked up and is now concerned about the well-being of his kids. I’ll never understand the mindset of a person who abuses a child, especially one of their own, but if this is true, Se7en will still be one of my favorite movies. I just want to make that clear to everyone. 


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Angelina Jolie Reportedly Caught Brad Pitt Banging Marion Cottilard
Angelina Jolie Reportedly Caught Brad Pitt Banging Marion Cottilard


Forget what I said about the refusing spousal support thing, Angelina Jolie thought Brad Pitt was cheating with Marion Cotillard so she hired a private investigator. 

Angelina Jolie is dumping Brad Pitt after hiring a private investigator to spy on him on the set of his latest film — where, she learned, he was cheating, a well-placed source told The Post on Tuesday. “She hired a private eye because she felt that he was fooling around with her on the set, and it turns out, he was. And that was the final straw,” the source said. Pitt had been rumored to have been cozying up to his “Allied” co-star, Marion Cotillard, in London for months.

Brad: “Hey, baby. How was your day?”

Angelina:



Goddamn. Lainey Gossip is floating the idea that Jolie filed for divorce because she had “political aspirations” that Pitt wasn’t down with, but political aspirations don’t make you keep your kids away from their father. Fucking your co-star does. This didn’t happen with Jennifer Aniston because her womb is a barren wasteland. 

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Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Split
Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Split


Women who were left for hotter women prior to 2004 and have been kept alive by their seething hatred for Angelina Jolie and their mission to buy multiple tickets to Jennifer Aniston movies can now answer death’s sweet call in peace. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are getting a divorcing 

Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt … TMZ has learned. Jolie filed legal docs Monday citing irreconcilable differences. She’s asking for physical custody of the couple’s 6 children.  She is asking the judge to give Pitt visitation.  It’s significant …she does not want Brad to have joint physical custody … only joint legal custody. Jolie, who’s being repped by disso queen Laura Wasser, is not asking for spousal support. Jolie lists the date of separation as Sept. 15, 2016.

IS NOTHING SACRED? No, not really. Anyway, she’s trying to keep the kids away from him, so something must have happened. And not asking for spousal support is such a Angelina Jolie baller move. Let’s all take a moment for silent reflection at this time. 


Here’s a young Angelina Jolie in a bikini because this story requires a happy ending. 


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Angelina Jolie Removed Had Her Ovaries Removed Last Week

The dream is dead. Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy two years ago after it was revealed she carries a gene mutation, and in an op-ed in the New York Times, Jolie revealed she had her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed last week.

I did not do this solely because I carry the BRCA1 gene mutation, and I want other women to hear this. A positive BRCA test does not mean a leap to surgery. I have spoken to many doctors, surgeons and naturopaths. There are other options. …In my case, the Eastern and Western doctors I met agreed that surgery to remove my tubes and ovaries was the best option, because on top of the BRCA gene, three women in my family have died from cancer. My doctors indicated I should have preventive surgery about a decade before the earliest onset of cancer in my female relatives. My mother’s ovarian cancer was diagnosed when she was 49. I’m 39…I went through what I imagine thousands of other women have felt. I told myself to stay calm, to be strong, and that I had no reason to think I wouldn’t live to see my children grow up and to meet my grandchildren. I called my husband in France, who was on a plane within hours. The beautiful thing about such moments in life is that there is so much clarity. You know what you live for and what matters. It is polarizing, and it is peaceful…Regardless of the hormone replacements I’m taking, I am now in menopause. I will not be able to have any more children, and I expect some physical changes. But I feel at ease with whatever will come, not because I am strong but because this is a part of life. It is nothing to be feared.

Not only is Angelina Jolie one of the most beautiful women who has ever walked the face the of the Earth (if you disagree, you’re wrong. sorry), she’s a next level human being who has evolved to the point where when she dies she’ll probably be surrounded by white light and carried to spaceship where aliens will resurrect her and make her their queen.

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Angelina Jolie Might Direct ‘Captain Marvel’

Look, I run all comic book stuff through The Superficial, because he’s the expert on comic books and how to order a burrito properly. So when I sent him the link to this, his immediate reaction was, “Oh Jesus”.  That being said, Angelina Jolie might direct Captain Marvel.

Captain Marvel, centering on super-heroine Carol Danvers, is set to become the First Female-centric film from the comic studio, so it makes sense that execs want a woman behind the camera too: Angelina Jolie! An insider reveals that bosses at Disney-owned Marvel were so impressed with Unbroken that they’re offering Angie $20 million for the gig. “Having a female director is a priority for them,” explains the source, adding that Angie is thrilled by the offer. “She never thought she’d be in such huge demand as a director, and to be courted by Marvel after the Sony fiasco is a huge pat on the back.”

Look, it’s obvious we need more women comic book movies. Mostly because there’s a lot of kick ass women characters and women need to be represented. But on a personal note, we need to see women in comic book costumes, because they translate. Google image search  “Captain America comic book” then look at Chris Evans as Captain America. He looks like he went to Party City on the way to set. Oooh hey look, it’s Shrek with Mark Ruffalo’s CGI face on it. Awesome! How exciting! I honestly feel like this could truly happen in real life and doesn’t take me out of the movie at all!

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Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Are Donating The $5M They Got From Their Wedding Photos To Charity
Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Are Donating The $5M They Got From Their Wedding Photos To Charity

 

Some charity just got $5M because Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt accepted the Stand Very Still And Smile Challenge. Sorry, ALS.

Insiders confirm to Radar hat People and Hello! magazine “each paid $2.5 million for a selection of wedding pictures from Brad and Angelina’s wedding,” with Pitt and Jolie Brad selecting “a photographer they had worked with from Getty” for the shots. These now-iconic images include our first look at the Angelina Jolie wedding dress and also a romantic photo of Brad and Angelina kissing as husband and wife. Instead of pocketing their millions, however, Pitt and Jolie will donate it to a “charitable foundation,” this same source confirms. They did the same thing in 2008 after being paid $14 million for pictures of twins Knox and Vivienne.

This makes $19M these two have given to charity simply by calling a photographer to come over. Goof for them. I ignored 19 Greenpeace emails last week. Like, how many do you have to send me, man? Whales have no concept of currency. Also, Kris Jenner just changed her name to “Charitable Foundation”.

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