The Internet keeps telling me that Amy Schumer isn’t fat, and Amy will have unhinged meltdown if you call her “plus-sized“, so they only real explanation is that she’s constantly storing nuts for winter. Another explanation is that she’s overweight. Whatever she’s a horrible person.
I had this all ready for yesterday, but Kim Kardashian provided more proof than two years of Benghazi hearings, so it had to wait. Whatever. You understand. Anyway, glad we moved past this. But yeah, for some reason Marie Claire put Amy Schumer on the cover and interviewed her, where she discussed the only penis that’s been inside her that she hasn’t told us about yet. This is how the article starts, so off top you know the Marie Claire staff and her PR team had been hashing this out for like three months prior. This opening probably went through 240 drafts before Amy thought it adequately reflected what she always wanted in a Tinder message.
Amy Schumer has killed her way to the top with an unapologetic and unabashed brand of humor. Virtually no topic is off-limits in her comedy—nor, as it turns out, in her real life.
Awesome. Except none of that first sentence is true. And nothing is “off-limits” unless it’s specifically directed at her, then shit goes “unapologetic” to “problematic” real damn quick. But we’re here for her to talk about the sex thing.
“My first sexual experience was not a good one. I didn’t think about it until I started reading my journal again. When it happened, I wrote about it almost like a throwaway. It was like, And then I looked down and realized he was inside of me. He was saying, ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘I can’t believe I did this.'”
This is rape, right? I’m gonna say this is rape. The whole journal and apologizing thing is maybe meant to throw us off. Not sure if he was apologizing for being in, or apologizing for blowing as soon as he got in. Neither of those is good. I did the last one in 7th grade. So, Lisa, if you’re reading this, just wanna say I’m sorry again. The many other after you appreciated your sacrifice. It won’t soon be forgotten.
Amy Schumer loves the Instagram likes from preaching body positivity and shooting down “trolls” who don’t think she looks great, but she’ll have an unhinged meltdown if you dare mention her with other women who are proud to be called “plus-sized”. Ashley Graham is not here for that today.
“I can see both sides, but Amy talks about being a big girl in the industry,” Graham told Cosmo. “You thrive on being a big girl, but when you’re grouped in with us, you’re not happy about it? That, to me, felt like a double standard.”
Full disclosure: I’ve never wanted to have sex with Ashley Graham until this very moment. I’d have sex with her so hard. Not sure if I want her on top though. Don’t want my life in danger. Baby steps.
Not entirely sure why Amy Schumer immediately thought to take off her panties for a post about gun safety, but she did, so that’s something I should probably post about. I hope this means Amy Schumer is happy with her body now. That would cool. It would be cool because we won’t have to hear about it anymore. That can’t be more exhausting than exercising. That, and being a miserable person has to take a lot out of her. But I agree with her platform. If you have a firearm, you should utilize proper gun safety. Whoa, you took a NRA course online? Dude, sorry. Didn’t realize that. You could probably take Wyatt Earp now. Just let me go ahead and get out of your way. Badass coming through lol
Kelly Rohrbach has serious cameltoe on Baywatch (NSFW site) [ Taxi Driver Movie ]
Kanye West is wearing blue contacts now [ Dlisted ]
A Blac Chyna sex tape with Tyga is coming [ The Superficial ]
Ashlee Simpson is alive and see through (NSFW) [ The Nip Slip ]
A moment with Catrinel Menghia [ Hollywood Tuna ]
Bella Thorne‘s butt tho [ Popoholic ]
Kendall Jenner is a hot catwalker [ Moe Jackson ]
Demi Lovato looked liked ass at the MET Gala [ Cele|bitchy ]
Justin Bieber‘s dad brought a tiger to a birthday party [ The Blemish ]
Amy Schumer had a meltdown when Glamour kinda called her “plus-sized” (which she clearly is), and she had another meltdown yesterday when some dude in Greenville, SC wanted to take a selfie. I’ll let Amy explain.
This guy in front of his family just ran up next to me scared the shit out of me. Put a camera in my face. I asked him to stop and he said " no it's America and we paid for you" this was in front of his daughter. I was saying stop and no. Great message to your kid. Yes legally you are allowed to take a picture of me. But I was asking you to stop and saying no. I will not take picture with people anymore and it's because of this dude in Greenville.
She comes across like Trump supporter talking about Muslims/Mexicans/black people/women here, but if you think you’re too important to take selfies with fans, just say that. Because one thing I don’t do when someone “scares the shit out of me” is to take a picture of them. You can check out the video the dude posted here and you’ll see that Amy Schumer doesn’t look like shit was just scared out of her body. Her body is in workout clothes, so I’m assuming that’s why she asked him to delete it. Probably for the best. I’m guessing she’ll take the same stance when paparazzi are screaming at her on the red carpet like they do everyone else. Or not since she won’t be in workout clothes and we see this issue for what it actually is. Great work, team!
Somebody who fell into a coma at any time in history could wake up today, see Amy Schumer, and say, “yeah, chick likes to eat”. Or you can take a cursory look at her show. Or any of her commercials. Or her standup specials. Or basically any picture to draw that same conclusion. Apparently Amy Schumer doesn’t know that because Glamour included her in their “Chic at any size” issue (hey, look who’s on the cover) and now she’s sad.
Radar Online dropped this story five hours ago, and now it’s mysteriously vanished. You be the judge. Anyway, here’s what it’s like dealing with Amy Schumer when she’s doing promos for Comedy Central.
According to the insider, a Comedy Central marketing executive bore the brunt of the 34-year-old comedian’s tirade. “He was on the receiving end of a number of earfuls from Amy during the process,” noted the insider. “At one point he made a suggestion for something Amy should say and she flipped out.” “Are you retarded? No, I’m really asking, are you retarded?” the insider claims Schumer blasted, before adding, “Please stop talking. Do not talk again.” Because of Schumer’s actions, “No one in Comedy Central’s marketing department likes dealing with her anymore and it’s gotten to the point where the situation’s not funny at all,” noted the insider. “She’s worse than anyone else I’ve ever dealt with,” said the insider. “She’s just mean.”
I never really understood the whole Amy Schumer thing. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a vagina. Or because I don’t feel the need to pretend to like something because it’s labeled “feminist”. Or maybe because I know people in NYC who know her. Like this story. 100% true. Or the fact if you want to approach her after a gig, her assistant has to vet you. If you aren’t connected or have the ability to advance her career, she won’t bother. Or the time she almost got sued for breach of contract by a Jersey comedy club because she kept cancelling her headlining gigs because she thought she was “too high profile” even though headliners like Bill Burr do them. Ever notice how her standup isn’t really that funny? Yeah, that’s because all the Inside Amy Schumer sketches are written by other people. Mostly dudes. You know, girl power. Or the fact that her ex, Anthony Jeselnik, gave her her big break on the Roseanne/Sheen roasts and now she acts like he doesn’t exist. Or that fact that she did a she did a bunch of “bringer shows” to break out at Gotham. Those are basically scams where they don’t let you perform unless you bring X amount of audience members who are willing to pay 3x the normal ticket value, plus a 2-drink minimum and automatic 18% gratuity to see you. You know who could afford that? Her wealthy Upper West Side family. And when your cousin is a senator in New York City, comedy clubs tend to be nicer to you. And watch any of her interviews. Pick one. You’ll hear like one of the same three rehearsed anecdotes in every one. Merry Christmas, everyone!
I guess Amy Schumer topless in the Pirelli Calendar is supposed to represent female empowerment or a positive body image message or something like that. If she wants to take her top off, hey, go for it. I just wish she’d put the top back on that jar of mayonnaise that I assume is immediately just out of frame.
Inside Amy Schumer is probably the hottest new feminist show written by a man, but Amy Schumer is doing movies now. Her first one is called Trainwreck, and last night a dude walked into a theater in Lafayette, La then killed two people and injured nine others before, of course, killing himself. I mean, Trainwreck? At least James Holmes had taste.
The victims range in age from their late teens to their 60s, Lafayette Police Chief Jim Craft said. The man did have a criminal record but it was “pretty old,” according to Craft. After the man opened fire, he tried to leave with the people fleeing the theater, Craft said. But investigators believe that he spotted two officers in the parking lot, then turned around and went back into the theater. He then fired a single shot, and officers found him dead inside.
The shooter, John Russell Houser, had wigs and stuff in his car, but it’s unclear if they were powdered, but I assume they were since he was a member of the Tea Party.
Police identified the man responsible for killing at least three people in a Lafayette movie theater Thursday night as 59-year-old John Russell Houser, a “kind of drifter” who had been living in a nearby motel… But Craft says officers “have very little information about Houser” and are still working to determine his motive. He did appear to be a member of the Tea Party—a profile registered in 2013 matches his biographical details.
If the whole “59-year old white man” and “Tea Party” didn’t fully connect the dots, Houser was also a white supremacist and had a special place in his heart for the Westboro Baptist Church. But I guess he was frustrated because it’s hard to convince yourself that you’re a member of the master race when you’re living in a motel in Lafayette. But we shouldn’t jump to conclusions here. He was probably influenced by video games or smoked a lot of marijuana beforehand. For her part, Amy Schumer said what you’re supposed to say after a mass shooting, because if victims and future victims of gun violence need one thing it’s “thoughts and prayers”. Those always seems to work best when you’re shrugging and wringing hands.