I had this all ready for yesterday, but Kim Kardashian provided more proof than two years of Benghazi hearings, so it had to wait. Whatever. You understand. Anyway, glad we moved past this. But yeah, for some reason Marie Claire put Amy Schumer on the cover and interviewed her, where she discussed the only penis that’s been inside her that she hasn’t told us about yet. This is how the article starts, so off top you know the Marie Claire staff and her PR team had been hashing this out for like three months prior. This opening probably went through 240 drafts before Amy thought it adequately reflected what she always wanted in a Tinder message.
Amy Schumer has killed her way to the top with an unapologetic and unabashed brand of humor. Virtually no topic is off-limits in her comedy—nor, as it turns out, in her real life.
Awesome. Except none of that first sentence is true. And nothing is “off-limits” unless it’s specifically directed at her, then shit goes “unapologetic” to “problematic” real damn quick. But we’re here for her to talk about the sex thing.
“My first sexual experience was not a good one. I didn’t think about it until I started reading my journal again. When it happened, I wrote about it almost like a throwaway. It was like, And then I looked down and realized he was inside of me. He was saying, ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘I can’t believe I did this.'”
This is rape, right? I’m gonna say this is rape. The whole journal and apologizing thing is maybe meant to throw us off. Not sure if he was apologizing for being in, or apologizing for blowing as soon as he got in. Neither of those is good. I did the last one in 7th grade. So, Lisa, if you’re reading this, just wanna say I’m sorry again. The many other after you appreciated your sacrifice. It won’t soon be forgotten.