Amy Schumer Is Single
Amy Schumer Is Single

 

Amy Schumer and her boyfriend split up before her wrote “BEN WAS HERE” on something then hung himself from it.

It’s Splitsville for Amy Schumer and Ben Hanisch. “Amy and Ben have ended their relationship after thoughtful consideration and remain friends,” a rep for Schumer told Page Six on Tuesday night.  The comedian, 35, dated Hanisch, a Chicago-based furniture designer, for about a year and a half.

I’m sure this will be played out as, “I GUESS HE JUST COULDN’T HANDLE A STRONG WOMAN”, because what man doesn’t want a miserable, self-loathing fat chick who likes to talk about her periods and how her vagina smells like an open grave all the time? Not sure why Ben let this ray of sunshine slip away.

 

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Amy Schumer’s New Movie Sucks

Amy Schumer has a new movie coming out today called Snatched, and I’m glad I looked at the cast and the synopsis, because I thought it was about Amy Schumer in a room with bread. It’s not.

When her boyfriend dumps her before their exotic vacation, a young woman persuades her ultra-cautious mother to travel with her to paradise, with unexpected results.

The “ultra-cautious mother” is played by Goldie Hawn, so off top you know this movie is less believable than Transformers, because when a woman comes out of Goldie Hawn’s vagina, she grows up to look like this. Maybe they should have said Amy Schumer was adopted. It currently has a 37% on Rotten Tomatoes, and I assume that will go up once Teen Vogue reviews it or reviewers get death threats and petitions for them to lose their jobs because they hate women instead of hating bad movies or whatever. I would call Schumer the female Dane Cook, but at least Dane Cook isn’t a horrific human being.  Oh, and if you need another reason not to see this, Lena Dunham posted this. You’d think Lena would stop publicly supporting things after Hillary Clinton. Honestly, we should be blaming her more than Comey.

 

 

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Zac Posen Hates Amy Schumer

As hot as she is funny @amyschumer #zacposen #metgala

A post shared by Zac Posen (@zacposen) on

 

Google tells me that Zac Posen is a fashion designer, and I’ve seen enough Stanley Tucci movies to know that this comment he used for his “Amy Schumer at the Met Gala” post is shade enough to block solar radiation and end photosynthesis and life on Earth as we know it.

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Amy Schumer Covered InStyle’s First “Beauty Issue” LOL
Amy Schumer Covered InStyle’s First “Beauty Issue” LOL

 

Now that Twitter has solved police brutality by spraying Pepsi with the outrage hose, Pepsi can now buy up all the police departments OCP-style and make make a bunch of Robocops to handle Brad and Ashleigh destroying a Starbucks and other people who projected Pepsi’s ad onto themselves. Before everybody is dead, hopefully someone will say, “oh shit that was just an ad lol my b”. Probably not. In the meantime, we can celebrate peak 2017, by looking at Amy Schumer on the cover of InStyle‘s first “Beauty Issue”. I appreciate their graphics department trying to make her look like Evan Rachel Wood on thyroid medication, but Photoshop couldn’t really do much to fix the interview. Hint: Amy Schumer is as self-absorbed sociopath.  But at least she doesn’t fit the “standard definition” of beauty, and that’s really all we should care about now or something.

 

You see the hi-res version here if you wanna pour acid in your eyes later.

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Amy Schumer Dropped Out Of ‘Barbie’
Amy Schumer Dropped Out Of ‘Barbie’

 

Back in December it was announced that Amy Schumer was going to play Barbie in Sony’s live-action adaptation of Mattel’s most famous toy. Amy Schumer. The one in the banner pic. That’s who Sony decided would be great as Barbie. Amy Schumer. They chose Amy Schumer to play Barbie and thought that was a good idea. I can’t stress that enough. Anyway, she dropped out of the movie, so I assume it no longer takes place in an alternate universe on Planet Tumblr.

“Sadly, I’m no longer able to commit to Barbie due to scheduling conflicts,” the actress said in a statement to Variety. “The film has so much promise, and Sony and Mattel have been great partners. I’m bummed, but look forward to seeing Barbie on the big screen.” “We respect and support Amy’s decision,” a spokesperson for Sony said in a statement. “We look forward to bringing Barbie to the world and sharing updates on casting and filmmakers soon.”

I’m kind of disappointed, because I was looking forward to seeing Patton Oswalt or whatever as Ken. Not sure if it’s scheduling conflicts because Barbie was supposed to get “kicked out of Barbieland for not being perfect enough” and Amy Schumer thinks she is perfect and will have a psychotic break if you say she’s not. Amy Schumer. The one in the banner pic.

 

Here’s some Dove Cameron pics I forgot to post. I assume she won’t have any scheduling conflicts if Sony decides not to plus size wash the material.

 

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Amy Schumer Is Playing Barbie Because Nothing Really Matters
Amy Schumer Is Playing Barbie Because Nothing Really Matters

 

Since we’ve reached peak 2016, Amy Schumer is now going to play Barbie. Put there’s a twist! To put this whole thing in perspective, when I go to Getty Images and search for Amy Schumer then click “Most Popular”, the banner is what comes up. Fell free to draw your own conclusions.

Aside from the fact that she has Barbie hair, Schumer’s growing stature as a role model for female empowerment fits perfectly with how the film will exploit Barbie’s evolution into dolls of different sizes and shapes. Schumer will play a character who lives in Barbieland, among all of the various Barbie characters beloved by doll collectors (there are dolls covering over 180 careers). In a fish-out-of-water story reminiscent of films like Splash and Big, Schumer’s Barbie gets kicked out, basically because she’s not perfect enough, is a bit eccentric and doesn’t quite fit the mold. She then goes on an adventure in the real world and by the time she returns to Barbieland to save it, she has gained the realization that perfection comes on the inside, not the outside, and that the key to happiness is belief in oneself, free of the obligation to adhere to some unattainable standard of perfection.

LOL. Fuck off. Just fuck the hell off. So basically this movie is one big Tumblr post. Barbie is a damn toy. Sometime shit doesn’t have to be this deep. Sony must be paying Amy Schumer in compliments, because she signed on to play Barbie’s fat, best friend, but in real life, she’ll have a psychotic break if you even hint she might be fat. “Perfection comes from the inside”. No it doesn’t. There’s no such thing. “Free of the obligation to adhere to some unattainable standard of perfection”. Again, there’s no such thing. That’s why we have Photoshop and models have a Spartan army of stylists to make them look they way they do. If you saw Gisele Bundchen without makeup, you’d probably shoot her with a crossbow. Ugly girls don’t need to be told their pretty. And ugly dudes don’t need to be told that if they have a funny personality they can get Katherine Heigl pregnant in a rom-com. But yeah, Amy Schumer is Barbie or whatever. It’s almost like liberals never want to win another election.

 

Man, just behold all this inner beauty.

 

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Trump Fans Booed And Walked Out Of An Amy Schumer Show
Trump Fans Booed And Walked Out Of An Amy Schumer Show

 

Just so this makes sense, Amy Schumer‘s comedy show was in Florida.

About 200 people walked out of Amy Schumer’s comedy show at the Amalie Arena in Tampa Sunday when she mocked Donald Trump as, among other things, an “orange, sexual-assaulting, fake- college-starting monster.” Loud booing from a vocal, but small minority of the arena crowd started about halfway through the show, when Schumer’s raunchy humor veered into more topical matters topics, including gun control and the presidential election…She made it clear she doesn’t understand how people can support Trump. At one point, she asked for a Trump supporter – preferably one with sleeves, she told security personnel – to join her up on stage to explain their enthusiasm for Trump. One fellow did, but he said he was voting for Trump mainly because he doesn’t trust Clinton. When some audience members booed, the actor/comedian invited them to leave and also asked security to remove anyone booing.

Just like their Supreme Leader, when faced with even the slightest bit of criticism, Trump stans have an unhinged meltdown, but also, Amy Schumer is a horrible person. I’m voting third party on this one. Nope. Still not Gary Johnson. Dude needs to just eat the other half of his brownie and go to sleep.

 

UPDATE: The video was removed from YouTube. It’s a global conspiracy and the media is trying to rig the election or something.

 

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Amy Schumer Is A Ray Of Sunshine Everywhere She Goes
Amy Schumer Is A Ray Of Sunshine Everywhere She Goes


Amy Schumer was a guest of Alexander Wang at this year’s Met Gala, and annual fundraising event for Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute. The she went on Howard Stern and shit all over it. 

“It’s people doing an impression of having a conversation.… I don’t like the farce. We’re dressed up like a bunch of fucking assholes. I got to meet Beyoncé and she was like, ‘Is this your first Met Gala?’ And I was like, ‘It’s my last.’ I don’t like it. I have no interest in fashion.… I don’t care. I don’t think it’s stupid; there’s no moral reasoning. It’s just not my thing. I just have this sense of entitlement that I should be able to feel comfortable at all times, like I could go to bed at any moment in what I’m wearing.”

Imagine having to deal with this miserable bitch everyday. Oh, and these pictures is what she wore to the Met Gala. So you can see why she’s projecting when this is what Taylor Swift wore. And when this is what Beyonce wore. Amy Schumer looks like she was there because she won a radio show contest and Alexander Wang lost a bet. 


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Amy Schumer Wore This For Some Reason

The Internet keeps telling me that Amy Schumer isn’t fat, and Amy will have unhinged meltdown if you call her “plus-sized“, so they only real explanation is that she’s constantly storing nuts for winter. Another explanation is that she’s overweight. Whatever she’s a horrible person

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Amy Schumer’s First Time Having Sex Was ‘Not A Good One’, Maybe Rape
Amy Schumer’s First Time Having Sex Was ‘Not A Good One’, Maybe Rape


I had this all ready for yesterday, but Kim Kardashian provided more proof than two years of Benghazi hearings, so it had to wait. Whatever. You understand. Anyway, glad we moved past this. But yeah, for some reason Marie Claire  put Amy Schumer on the cover and interviewed her, where she discussed the only penis that’s been inside her that she hasn’t told us about yet. This is how the article starts, so off top you know the Marie Claire staff and her PR team had been hashing this out for like three months prior. This opening probably went through 240 drafts before Amy thought it adequately reflected what she always wanted in a Tinder message. 

Amy Schumer has killed her way to the top with an unapologetic and unabashed brand of humor. Virtually no topic is off-limits in her comedy—nor, as it turns out, in her real life​.

Awesome. Except none of that first sentence is true. And nothing is “off-limits” unless it’s specifically directed at her, then shit goes “unapologetic” to “problematic” real damn quick. But we’re here for her to talk about the sex thing. 

My first sexual experience was not a good one. I didn’t think about it until I started reading my journal again. When it happened, I wrote about it almost like a throwaway. It was like, And then I looked down and realized he was inside of me. He was saying, ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘I can’t believe I did this.'”

This is rape, right? I’m gonna say this is rape. The whole journal and apologizing thing is maybe meant to throw us off. Not sure if he was apologizing for being in, or apologizing for blowing as soon as he got in. Neither of those is good. I did the last one in 7th grade. So, Lisa, if you’re reading this, just wanna say I’m sorry again. The many other after you appreciated your sacrifice. It won’t soon be forgotten.


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