Amy Schumer Covered InStyle’s First “Beauty Issue” LOL
Amy Schumer Covered InStyle’s First “Beauty Issue” LOL

 

Now that Twitter has solved police brutality by spraying Pepsi with the outrage hose, Pepsi can now buy up all the police departments OCP-style and make make a bunch of Robocops to handle Brad and Ashleigh destroying a Starbucks and other people who projected Pepsi’s ad onto themselves. Before everybody is dead, hopefully someone will say, “oh shit that was just an ad lol my b”. Probably not. In the meantime, we can celebrate peak 2017, by looking at Amy Schumer on the cover of InStyle‘s first “Beauty Issue”. I appreciate their graphics department trying to make her look like Evan Rachel Wood on thyroid medication, but Photoshop couldn’t really do much to fix the interview. Hint: Amy Schumer is as self-absorbed sociopath.  But at least she doesn’t fit the “standard definition” of beauty, and that’s really all we should care about now or something.

 

You see the hi-res version here if you wanna pour acid in your eyes later.

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Amy Schumer Dropped Out Of ‘Barbie’
Amy Schumer Dropped Out Of ‘Barbie’

 

Back in December it was announced that Amy Schumer was going to play Barbie in Sony’s live-action adaptation of Mattel’s most famous toy. Amy Schumer. The one in the banner pic. That’s who Sony decided would be great as Barbie. Amy Schumer. They chose Amy Schumer to play Barbie and thought that was a good idea. I can’t stress that enough. Anyway, she dropped out of the movie, so I assume it no longer takes place in an alternate universe on Planet Tumblr.

“Sadly, I’m no longer able to commit to Barbie due to scheduling conflicts,” the actress said in a statement to Variety. “The film has so much promise, and Sony and Mattel have been great partners. I’m bummed, but look forward to seeing Barbie on the big screen.” “We respect and support Amy’s decision,” a spokesperson for Sony said in a statement. “We look forward to bringing Barbie to the world and sharing updates on casting and filmmakers soon.”

I’m kind of disappointed, because I was looking forward to seeing Patton Oswalt or whatever as Ken. Not sure if it’s scheduling conflicts because Barbie was supposed to get “kicked out of Barbieland for not being perfect enough” and Amy Schumer thinks she is perfect and will have a psychotic break if you say she’s not. Amy Schumer. The one in the banner pic.

 

Here’s some Dove Cameron pics I forgot to post. I assume she won’t have any scheduling conflicts if Sony decides not to plus size wash the material.

 

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Amy Schumer Is Playing Barbie Because Nothing Really Matters
Amy Schumer Is Playing Barbie Because Nothing Really Matters

 

Since we’ve reached peak 2016, Amy Schumer is now going to play Barbie. Put there’s a twist! To put this whole thing in perspective, when I go to Getty Images and search for Amy Schumer then click “Most Popular”, the banner is what comes up. Fell free to draw your own conclusions.

Aside from the fact that she has Barbie hair, Schumer’s growing stature as a role model for female empowerment fits perfectly with how the film will exploit Barbie’s evolution into dolls of different sizes and shapes. Schumer will play a character who lives in Barbieland, among all of the various Barbie characters beloved by doll collectors (there are dolls covering over 180 careers). In a fish-out-of-water story reminiscent of films like Splash and Big, Schumer’s Barbie gets kicked out, basically because she’s not perfect enough, is a bit eccentric and doesn’t quite fit the mold. She then goes on an adventure in the real world and by the time she returns to Barbieland to save it, she has gained the realization that perfection comes on the inside, not the outside, and that the key to happiness is belief in oneself, free of the obligation to adhere to some unattainable standard of perfection.

LOL. Fuck off. Just fuck the hell off. So basically this movie is one big Tumblr post. Barbie is a damn toy. Sometime shit doesn’t have to be this deep. Sony must be paying Amy Schumer in compliments, because she signed on to play Barbie’s fat, best friend, but in real life, she’ll have a psychotic break if you even hint she might be fat. “Perfection comes from the inside”. No it doesn’t. There’s no such thing. “Free of the obligation to adhere to some unattainable standard of perfection”. Again, there’s no such thing. That’s why we have Photoshop and models have a Spartan army of stylists to make them look they way they do. If you saw Gisele Bundchen without makeup, you’d probably shoot her with a crossbow. Ugly girls don’t need to be told their pretty. And ugly dudes don’t need to be told that if they have a funny personality they can get Katherine Heigl pregnant in a rom-com. But yeah, Amy Schumer is Barbie or whatever. It’s almost like liberals never want to win another election.

 

Man, just behold all this inner beauty.

 

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Trump Fans Booed And Walked Out Of An Amy Schumer Show
Trump Fans Booed And Walked Out Of An Amy Schumer Show

 

Just so this makes sense, Amy Schumer‘s comedy show was in Florida.

About 200 people walked out of Amy Schumer’s comedy show at the Amalie Arena in Tampa Sunday when she mocked Donald Trump as, among other things, an “orange, sexual-assaulting, fake- college-starting monster.” Loud booing from a vocal, but small minority of the arena crowd started about halfway through the show, when Schumer’s raunchy humor veered into more topical matters topics, including gun control and the presidential election…She made it clear she doesn’t understand how people can support Trump. At one point, she asked for a Trump supporter – preferably one with sleeves, she told security personnel – to join her up on stage to explain their enthusiasm for Trump. One fellow did, but he said he was voting for Trump mainly because he doesn’t trust Clinton. When some audience members booed, the actor/comedian invited them to leave and also asked security to remove anyone booing.

Just like their Supreme Leader, when faced with even the slightest bit of criticism, Trump stans have an unhinged meltdown, but also, Amy Schumer is a horrible person. I’m voting third party on this one. Nope. Still not Gary Johnson. Dude needs to just eat the other half of his brownie and go to sleep.

 

UPDATE: The video was removed from YouTube. It’s a global conspiracy and the media is trying to rig the election or something.

 

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Amy Schumer Is A Ray Of Sunshine Everywhere She Goes
Amy Schumer Is A Ray Of Sunshine Everywhere She Goes


Amy Schumer was a guest of Alexander Wang at this year’s Met Gala, and annual fundraising event for Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute. The she went on Howard Stern and shit all over it. 

“It’s people doing an impression of having a conversation.… I don’t like the farce. We’re dressed up like a bunch of fucking assholes. I got to meet Beyoncé and she was like, ‘Is this your first Met Gala?’ And I was like, ‘It’s my last.’ I don’t like it. I have no interest in fashion.… I don’t care. I don’t think it’s stupid; there’s no moral reasoning. It’s just not my thing. I just have this sense of entitlement that I should be able to feel comfortable at all times, like I could go to bed at any moment in what I’m wearing.”

Imagine having to deal with this miserable bitch everyday. Oh, and these pictures is what she wore to the Met Gala. So you can see why she’s projecting when this is what Taylor Swift wore. And when this is what Beyonce wore. Amy Schumer looks like she was there because she won a radio show contest and Alexander Wang lost a bet. 


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Amy Schumer Wore This For Some Reason

The Internet keeps telling me that Amy Schumer isn’t fat, and Amy will have unhinged meltdown if you call her “plus-sized“, so they only real explanation is that she’s constantly storing nuts for winter. Another explanation is that she’s overweight. Whatever she’s a horrible person

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Amy Schumer’s First Time Having Sex Was ‘Not A Good One’, Maybe Rape
Amy Schumer’s First Time Having Sex Was ‘Not A Good One’, Maybe Rape


I had this all ready for yesterday, but Kim Kardashian provided more proof than two years of Benghazi hearings, so it had to wait. Whatever. You understand. Anyway, glad we moved past this. But yeah, for some reason Marie Claire  put Amy Schumer on the cover and interviewed her, where she discussed the only penis that’s been inside her that she hasn’t told us about yet. This is how the article starts, so off top you know the Marie Claire staff and her PR team had been hashing this out for like three months prior. This opening probably went through 240 drafts before Amy thought it adequately reflected what she always wanted in a Tinder message. 

Amy Schumer has killed her way to the top with an unapologetic and unabashed brand of humor. Virtually no topic is off-limits in her comedy—nor, as it turns out, in her real life​.

Awesome. Except none of that first sentence is true. And nothing is “off-limits” unless it’s specifically directed at her, then shit goes “unapologetic” to “problematic” real damn quick. But we’re here for her to talk about the sex thing. 

My first sexual experience was not a good one. I didn’t think about it until I started reading my journal again. When it happened, I wrote about it almost like a throwaway. It was like, And then I looked down and realized he was inside of me. He was saying, ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘I can’t believe I did this.'”

This is rape, right? I’m gonna say this is rape. The whole journal and apologizing thing is maybe meant to throw us off. Not sure if he was apologizing for being in, or apologizing for blowing as soon as he got in. Neither of those is good. I did the last one in 7th grade. So, Lisa, if you’re reading this, just wanna say I’m sorry again. The many other after you appreciated your sacrifice. It won’t soon be forgotten.


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Ashley Graham Just Went In On Amy Schumer’s ‘Plus Size’ Bullshit
Ashley Graham Just Went In On Amy Schumer’s ‘Plus Size’ Bullshit


Amy Schumer loves the Instagram likes from preaching body positivity and shooting down “trolls” who don’t think she looks great, but she’ll have an unhinged meltdown if you dare mention her with other women who are proud to be called “plus-sized”. Ashley Graham is not here for that today. 

“I can see both sides, but Amy talks about being a big girl in the industry,” Graham told Cosmo. “You thrive on being a big girl, but when you’re grouped in with us, you’re not happy about it? That, to me, felt like a double standard.”

Full disclosure: I’ve never wanted to have sex with Ashley Graham until this very moment. I’d have sex with her so hard. Not sure if I want her on top though. Don’t want my life in danger. Baby steps.


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Amy Schumer Did This For Gun Safety
 

Today please #wearorange for gun safety! #everytown

A photo posted by @amyschumer on



Not entirely sure why Amy Schumer immediately thought to take off her panties for a post about gun safety, but she did, so that’s something I should probably post about. I hope this means Amy Schumer is happy with her body now. That would cool. It would be cool because we won’t have to hear about it anymore. That can’t be more exhausting than exercising. That, and being a miserable person has to take a lot out of her. But I agree with her platform. If you have a firearm, you should utilize proper gun safety. Whoa, you took a NRA course online? Dude, sorry. Didn’t realize that. You could probably take Wyatt Earp now. Just let me go ahead and get out of your way. Badass coming through lol

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Amy Schumer Put Deodorant On Her Thighs For The MET Gala & Links

No chafe #nothighgapnoproblem

A video posted by @amyschumer on



Kelly Rohrbach has serious cameltoe on Baywatch  (NSFW site)   [  Taxi Driver Movie   ]

Kanye West is wearing blue contacts now   [  Dlisted   ]

A Blac Chyna sex tape with Tyga is coming  [  The Superficial   ]

Ashlee Simpson is alive and see through  (NSFW)   [  The Nip Slip  ]

Kristen Stewart said some things in Marie Claire  [  DrunkenStepfather   ]

A moment with Catrinel Menghia  [  Hollywood Tuna  ]

Bella Thorne‘s butt tho  [  Popoholic  ]

Kendall Jenner is a hot catwalker  [  Moe Jackson  ]

Demi Lovato looked liked ass at the MET Gala  [  Cele|bitchy  ]

Justin Bieber‘s dad brought a tiger to a birthday party  [  The Blemish  ]

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