‘American Idol’ Is Firing All Four Judges
‘American Idol’ Is Firing All Four Judges

 

Since networks will not stop until every person on Earth auditions to win a glorified karaoke contest, we now have Americal Idol, The Voice, and The X-Factor. Even though American Idol was the original, its ratimgs are horrible because instead of focusing on the contestants, its all about the judges and all their scripted drama. Also, it's been on for 12 damn years. Usually, you'd take it out back and shoot it in the head, but FOX wants to squueze every dime they can from you, so they are firing everybody and retooling the entire show. Daily Beast reports:

After a series of ratings bum notes, Fox is planning to fire all four American Idol judges after this season, according to a report by The Wrap. Mariah Carey, Keith Urban, Nicki Minaj, and Randy Jackson, who so far has survived every round of Idol judges' musical chairs, are expected to get the boot along with longtime producer Nigel Lythgoe as the network hopes to retool the series to compete in the ratings with NBC’s The Voice. In addition to the judges shake-up, Fox is reportedly planning to redesign the show and nix dated tribute theme nights.

FOX, trust me, if you cancel this abomination, nobody will care. Seriosuly. Trust me on this. If you want the show to work, don't hire judges, and give people who want to form their own bands some shitty intstruments and let them practice in a warehouse for three months. Then they perform all original songs. Then let people vote. And if they win, the get a record contract. Or not. I'm afraid I come across like I care about all this.

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Scotty McCreery Won American Idol



My Facebook feed and the city of Raleigh went ape shit last night because reinforcing Southern stereotype and down home dork Scotty McCreery won this season’s karaoke contest on American Idol. If you’re in NC and you’re reading this, I bet you’re kissing your Scotty McCreery poster right now and thinking to yourself, “Don’t be a hater, Todd. If you don’t like him then why are you posting about him?”. Good question. But ask yourself, if I didn’t post about it, how else would the banner picture come up in a Google image search for “Scotty McCreery” from now until the end of time?

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Jennifer Lopez May Want To Rethink This

After American Idol yanked her back into the limelight, Jennifer Lopez wants to leave. Popeater reports:

‘American Idol’ judge Jennifer Lopez is reportedly shopping around her own reality singing competition show, further fueling the rumors of her departure from the ‘Idol’ judges panel after just one season on the hit show.

Tentatively titled ‘Que Viva,’ Jennifer’s show would feature herself and hubby Marc Anthony talent scouting Latin American countries for future stars. The Puerto Rican couple are teaming up with ‘Idol’ creator and executive producer Simon Fuller to make the project happen. Apparently the show has been in the works for some time now.

What an awesome idea! Leave behind the very reason you’re still relevant. On that note, I’m going to book a breast reduction now. I’m in it to win it!

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Jennifer Lopez, Steven Tyler Are The New American Idol Judges



Less than a day after Ellen Degeneres announced she was leaving American Idol after one season, she has been replaced by someone with even less musical talent.

We’ve just learned the backstory of how Ellen DeGeneres bowed out of American Idol and who will be the new judge taking her place. It’s Jennifer Lopez, JENNIFER LOPEZ whose singing and acting career has been on the skids after her recent movie failed at the box office in the spring and she was dropped by her record company Sony Music Epic Records this past winter...As for Ellen Degeneres, we’re told she wanted off the show two months ago and complained that Idol producers “couldn’t control Cowell”, one insider tells us. Least of all Cecile Frot-Coutaz, the CEO of FremantleMedia North America. “Cecile is doing X Factor with Simon, so she’s in his back pocket.” DeGeneres and her reps went in to to see Fox Broadcasting’s Entertainment Chairman Peter Rice and Alternative TV President Mike Darnell and asked to be let out of the year left on her contract. “She’s not comfortable. She’s not happy. It’s not been fun,” Fox was told. But Rice and Darnell responded that, with Cowell leaving, “We can’t let you out now because it would be bad for our franchise. Give us a chance to figure out who we could get.”

So, it will be Randy Jackson, Kara DioGuardi, Jennifer Lopez, and whoever replaces Simon, right? Wrong. Kara DioGuardi just got fired. TMZ reports:

Sources connected with the “American Idol” negotiations tell TMZ Kara DioGuardi has judged her last contestant on “American Idol” — because she’s been fired. We’re told the show will be going back to a three-judge format and assuming all deals are finalized, the judge’s panel will consist of Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. We’re told the only way Kara could get a reprieve is if the J-Lo deal falls apart — but we’re told that deal is done.

I just feel bad for Perez Hilton. Not really. He’s been tweeting all night literally begging for the job and thinks he and Jessica Simpon would be a better option than Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Yeah, because that’s what America wants to see. A guy with cockbreath and sequins offering singing advice while he waits for the fat blonde next to him to finish her Big Gulp and coloring a picture of a bacon cake with hearts around it. If I was Randy Jackson behind the desk with these two, I wouldn’t last five minutes before I set myself on fire.

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Bret Michaels Is Replacing Simon Cowell



I guess being in a shitty band and having brain damage are pretty good qualities in a American Idol judge. Contacting Music reports:

The ailing rocker, who is still recovering from a near-fatal brain haemorrhage and a recent stroke, was an instant hit with fans, who gave him a standing ovation as he walked out to sing a rendition of Poison’s Every Rose Has Its Thorn. And Cowell was left so impressed he’s considering handing him his judging seat now that the Brit has quit the show after nine years on the panel. He says, “Actually, he’d be good. He’s funny. He’s got experience. He’d be a good choice – and you saw the audience reaction to him. They love him.”
And Michaels is hopeful he will be handed the job: “I’m sorry he (Cowell) has to go but sometimes things happen. Provided my health holds up, I think I’m taking that chair next year!”

I don’t know how being an expert in bandanas and the proper way to sanitize stripper poles has to do with karaoke, but hey, I wish him luck. He got the pity vote on Celebrity Apprentice, now he’s set to replace the best judge of talent on television. Almost dying is the best thing that ever to a person since Jesus. Maybe if he shoots himself in the face he can get a Grammy. Go for it, Bret!

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Katy Perry Is Catty, Stacked



Katy Perry was a guest judge on American Idol last night, and in case you were wondering if she had a delightful personality to go with her caked on makeup and pushup bra, you’re barely gonna believe it!

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Bikini Girl Is, Well, You Know



I know this site is supposed to be about actual celebrities or whatever, but that was before American Idol’s Katrina Darrell (aka Bikini Girl) decided to prance around in a bikini. She’s not particularly that hot or anything, but she’s hot enough I guess. She has a vagina and my penis likes to go in vaginas, so I guess that can be a good starting point.

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American Idol Judges Are Catty



During this year’s Idol auditions, a chick simply named Bikini Girl sang Mariah Carey and as soon as she walked in the room, judge Kara DioGuardi unleashed her claws and told her she sucked and tried to sing her over her. Bikini Girl in turn told Kara she couldn’t sing, and despite bitching from Kara and Paula, Simon put Bikini Girl through to the next round anyway. During the finale last night, it was apparent that DioGuargi was staying up nights plotting her revenge, because while Bikini Girl was on stage, DioGuardi sang over her again then stripped out of her dress to show off her bikini. I have no idea why she would ask her to sing on national television just to embarrass her, but I think it has something to do with being a bitch.

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