Here’s Alicia Keys In A Bikini On Instagram



So here’s Alicia Keys in a bikini. I don’t know, I guess that’s her. I haven’t really seen her lately. Apparently she was in an accident and the doctors had to shave her head and replace the lower half of body with Julius Peppers’ since then.

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Presidential Crotch Star, Now In Dress Form

As is tradition for the White House Correspondents Dinner Party, the reporters and networks made sure to use their invitations to invite celebrities that shouldn’t be there. This year’s dinner saw George Lucas, three members of the Gossip Girl cast, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, a veritable who’s who of non-politicians.

I understand the need to have a media event associated with the White House every once in awhile, but did it really require THREE members of the Gossip Girl cast?

And poor Alicia Keys must have noticed at some point that her dress was sparsely decorated enough that it looks like she gave herself a coochie star to draw attention to that that thing.

Damn, woman, it’s politics, not the Grammys.

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Alicia Keys is in a Bikini, Hungry

I get a lot of hate mail whenever I call Alicia Keys fat, so I won’t mention that most of these pictures of Keys in Perth, Australia show her in varying forms of eating. However, I can say with confidence that if I was a kindergarten teacher, any of these pictures would be my flashcard for the word “lesbian.” Oh, please. There’s no way you can tell me if she got carpal tunnel you wouldn’t rule out “masturbating to Wanda Sykes and Queen Latifah” as one of the reasons.

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Alicia Keys Hates White People



Most celebrities are surrounded and coddled by a pit crew of PR people, because most celebrities in real life are mentally unstable basket cases who are so painfully oblivious to reality that they need constant supervision. Otherwise, they agree to be interviewed by Blender Magazine and say stuff like this:

The Grammy-winning singer-songwriter tells Blender magazine: “‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other. ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist.” Keys, 27, said she’s read several Black Panther autobiographies and wears a gold AK-47 pendant around her neck “to symbolize strength, power and killing ’em dead,” according to an interview in the magazine’s May issue, on newsstands Tuesday. Another of her theories: The bicoastal feud between slain rappers Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G. was fueled “by the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing.”

Hmm, I may have to go back and listen to my Ice-T CDs again, because I’m pretty sure he said something about a Mac-10 and killing cops. And I might be mistaken, but I don’t think NWA was originally a vocal harmony group before they caved in to government pressure. Man, it must be nice to be like Alicia Keys and read something then instantly believe it’s true. That would be cool. *Closes “Clifford’s Big Dig”* Clifford, he’s a big red dog! OMG, can you believe it?!

Note: Alicia’s mother is white.

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Stevie Wonder Falls Down



The Barack Obama rally in Los Angeles yesterday seemed like it would’ve been pretty fun. There would have been nothing I would have enjoyed more than hearing liberals tell about how AIDS is being spread by the lack of federal funding, or how cross-gender bestiality parades should be protected by the Constitution, but how manger scenes are offensive. Good times. Oh, and Stevie Wonder busted his ass. Which begs the question, why aren’t there more Stevie Wonder falling down videos? It seems like I should be able to subscribe to that YouTube channel by now.

Alicia Keys performing at the Super Bowl because she’s also black and plays the piano? Just go with it:

Video source: TMZ

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Alicia Keys is a Diva



Alicia Keys refused to enter New York nightclub, Pacha, for one of her new album’s promotional parties after club promoters had yet to pay the remaining $4,000 of her $15,000 appearance fee. While fans waited inside, Keys could not be removed her car. New York Daily News says:

Alicia was slated for a midnight arrival, but by the time 1:30 a.m. rolled around, her bodyguards, friends and even boyfriend were all inside waiting for her. Outside, Keys drove around the neighborhood. “These promoters were digging in their pockets, looking for cash, and were still short,” said another source. “The owner of the club even offered to pay the remainder of the owed money himself, just to get her in the club.” That’s where fans who’d paid $25 a pop were waiting, says the spywitness: “One eight-months-pregnant lady, who is an Alicia Keys superfan, showed up and waited for hours just to see her.”

In her videos, Alicia Keys lives in the ghetto and works as a waitress, but I have to assume that’s just make believe. So, I’m wondering why a seemingly big star like Alicia Keys would go through all this for $4,000. Oh yeah, she’s a bitch. She comes off as self-righteous and mankind’s gift to music in interviews, so it’s not a shock to think that she would fuck over her fans if she couldn’t enough money to cover her dinner tab. Plus she has acne, and it’s common knowledge that God hates chicks with acne. That’s why she’s dead and bitter inside.

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Alicia Keys Has Gorgeous Skin



I don’t know if anybody else is getting turned on right now, but damn Alicia Keys is hot. I just don’t know how she manages to look so young and vibrant. Sandpaper? Magic spells? Oh please Alicia, tell us your beauty secrets!

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