Scarlett Johansson Might Be Banging Sean Penn

Or she might not, depending on the day and what you’re reading, but whatever. Continuing today’s theme of blonde divorcees, Scarlett Johansson is rumored to be dating Sean Penn. What, did you expect her to somehow upgrade from Ryan Reynolds? E! Online reports:

You gotta admit, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn make a pretty sultry pair, especially when you line up their gossipy pasts! But are they, in fact, a real item, as Us Weekly attests?

And sure, that’s some age gap—she’s 26, he’s 50. Not even Ashton and Demi are that far apart!

But all this scandalous talk about older love finding newer adoration is all crap, according to Scarlett’s reps:“Scarlett and Sean are not dating—they have been friends for years,” he insists. “Nothing more, nothing less. They have been talking over the last few months regarding Haiti Relief and Scarlett’s upcoming trip to Haiti as Oxfam’s Global Ambassador.”

Sean’s side hasn’t been so quick to deny the dating scuttlebutt, but, we expect a denial…soon?

For the record, for those of you confused about Sean and Scarlett having other partners right now, it’s perfectly understandable—both sexy stars are freshly out of their marriages (Robin Wright for him, Ryan Reynolds for her).

Also, you might be thinking you’ve heard this younger-thing about Sean before? Well, don’t worry, you’re not imagining things, you did. Mr. Penn has a way of getting pretty girls to act all come-hither with him, and, well, people do like to notice.

Maybe it’s because he’s got an Oscar, is a great humanitarian and he’s actually trying to help the world heal, particularly in Haiti!?

Perhaps. I think, certainly in the case of Ms. Johansson, it has more to do with eligibility: Who in the world is going to fill stud-muffin Ryan’s shoes, now that Scarlett seems to be done them, and him?

Sean Penn was married to Madonna and Princess Buttercup and banging supermodels the whole time, so I wouldn’t put anything past him. Scarlett banged Benicio del Toro in an elevator, so going from the future Deadpool to someone old enough to be her dad isn’t that shocking either. I’d rather her deal with her divorce by rebounding than by recording another album. Save all that for Ryan’s other ex. The one with smaller boobs and bigger talent.

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Alanis Morissette Is Pregnant

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A song from her first CD made one of my ex-girlfriends realize she should break up with me, but more to the point, some white rapper I’ve never heard of didn’t pull out of Alanis Morissette. Us Magazine reports:

The singer, 36, announces the happy news in the new Us Weekly, on newsstands now. In Us’ “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” section, Morissette lists “I am pregnant!” as No. 25. Morissette wed rapper Souleye, 30 (real name: Mario Treadway), this past May 22 at their Los Angeles home.”We’re very excited to embark on this journey with each other,” she wrote on her Twitter page at the time.

Whatever. Rachel Dratch and Amber are pregnant, too. If you really want to impress me, go squat by a tree and bite down on a stick in nine months.

Her kid might grow up to be the greatest white rapper of all time (here’s his mom signing the most depressing song of all time):

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Alinkis Morissette

Tom Cruise gets on his knees to save his career [Just Jared]
Jennifer Aniston’s nipples are her only attractive features [Hollywood Tuna]
Mariah Carey is coming for The Beatles [Dlisted]
Nicole Kidman is still pregnant [Popsugar]
Jennifer Lopez is still in love with herself [Hollywood Rag]
Maria Menounos is still trying too hard to be famous [Popoholic]
Rihanna looks like a tranny and almost slips his nip [Taxi Driver Movie]
Jonas Brothers are probably gay [City Rag]
Hulk Hogan is dating is daughter’s twin (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
Lara Flynn Boyle’s terrifying face [Egotastic]
Isla Fisher is not much more than Borat’s ginger sperm receptacle [ASL]

Alanis Morissette‘s promo shoot for her new album:

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