Taylor Swift Hates Adele Now
Taylor Swift Hates Adele Now

If her albums don’t already clue you in, Taylor Swift, fueled by revenge, takes things personally and has crafted an almost angelic public persona with meticulous calculation to the point where some human living on Earth right now truly believe she invented people being friends. With that being said.

Adele’s brand new music video for her first single in years, “Hello,” debuted Friday to rave reviews and mounting views—so many, in fact, that it surmounted Swift’s record-breaking music video “Bad Blood” for most views in the first 24 hours. Adele may have taken a hiatus from breaking pop records, but this recent news indicates the 27-year-old Grammy winner hasn’t lost her midas touch. 

“Hello” has 91M views right now, so you think Taylor Swift broke a YouTube record for “Bad Blood” for some other bitch to break it? Her boyfriend is already getting handjobs from Thai massage ladies. This will not end well for Adele. You’ve been warned. You can expect Taylor to retaliate by passive aggressively liking a tweet saying Adele uses a flip phone.

Just doing my part.

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Adele Was Actually Complimenting Chris Brown

Hey, remember this story from yesterday when everybody thought Adele confronted Chris Brown at the Grammys? Sorry for any of you who are now experiencing cognitive dissonance.

“Chris Brown and I were complimenting each other in that photo actually,” the Rolling in the Deep singer, 24, said on Twitter Tuesday.

Frank Ocean is totally going to write in his diary about this.

[h/t Radar Online]

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Adele Allegedly Yelled At Chris Brown At The Grammys

There was a story going around yesterday that Adele allegedly confronted Chris Brown and “told him off” at the Grammys on Sunday. This picture is the only evidence of the exchange, and nobody seems to have any sort of transcript of what was said. Looking at a picture and wishing it meant something else, is why Ashley Greene and I still aren’t married, so let’s all slow down and admit that this didn’t happen. If I had to guess, Adele was asking him if he had any good fried chicken recipes. Which would make her racist if she didn’t look like she really like fried things.

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Adele Had A Boy

If you remember, Adele was seven months pregnant before anybody realized she was pregnant. Most because she always looks pregnant. Now she’s not pregnant anymore. Congratulations! People reports:

Adele is officially rolling in the diapers! The British singing sensation, 24, is now Mum to a baby boy, a family source confirms to PEOPLE. “We are all over the moon,” the source says.

She had a baby. Cool. Whatever. But can we finally stop with this “over the moon” thing? What does that even mean? There’s a newborn in your house, why would you want to be over the moon? Seems a little irresponsible to me.

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Here’s Adele’s Song For Skyfall

The new theme song for Skyfall has been released today, and in case you didn’t know, it was co-written and performed by Adele. But what you may have not known is that the first three lines include Adele feeling the earth move then having a heart attack. That sounds about right.

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Adele is Pregnant

Not that you will be able to tell until she’s in her ninth month, but Adele is with child.

RadarOnline reports:

British songstress Adele announced on Friday that she is pregnant.
“I’m delighted to announce that Simon and I are expecting our first child together,” Adele wrote on her blog. “I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we’re over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time. Yours always, Adele xx.” Adele and boyfriend Simon Konecki have been together for nearly a year.

It’s a good thing her announcement was overshadowed by the TomKat divorce or today all the speculation would be about how monumentally stupid this is. Adele’s first love was a bisexual who left her for a man, (more…)

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Adele Is A Miraculous Healer Now Apparently

If I can be honest, I was hoping this was a food coma so I could have a built in joke. Us Magazine reports:

The Grammy winning singer’s trademark song “Rolling in the Deep” played a surprising role in the life and survival of Charlotte Neve, a 7-year-old British girl who had been languishing in a coma for months. Although doctors told Charlotte’s family that the little girl would not survive, she unexpectedly woke up — and smiled! — when the chart-topping track played on the radio. After suffering a brain hemorrhage in mid-April and undergoing two operations, Charlotte had slipped into a coma, one her doctors didn’t expect her to recover from. Her mother, Leila, tells British paper The Telegraph that she was getting ready to say goodbye to her comatose child when the song, one of Charlotte’s faves, came on. “Charlotte started smiling, and I couldn’t believe it,” Leila recalled. “It was the first time she had reacted to anything since the hemorrhage. The nurses were astounded and told me to keep singing, and she smiled again. The nurses said it was like I ‘unlocked her’ and from that day she started getting better and better.” A couple days later, Charlotte “literally went from smiling and being giddy to standing up in bed,” Leila continued. “It was a miracle.” She is now recovering at home, learning to walk again, and is even back at school.

Totally. Adele so saved this girl’s life. Or her mother did. Or the doctors. Or that thing where, I don’t know, people suddenly wake up from comas. I heard Adele was so moved by this story that she visited the girl and put hot sauce on her then ate her. Oh, please. You know she thought about it. You know, only after the girl wasn’t a vegetable. HAHAHAHA, BOOM! SAVE & PUBLISH!!

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Emma Stone And Olivia Wilde Have A Blonde-Off, Links

Lindsay Lohan might be Woody Allen’s new muse [The Superficial]
Katherine Heigl is at the gym [Popoholic]
Katy Perry found her calling, is selling sports bras now [Hollywood Tuna]
Just about every current blockbuster’s leading lady topless (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Hot Dog ‘N Handjobs was a thing that existed [Dlisted]
Tom Cruise is topless, tattooed [Celebuzz]
Alexander Skarsgard is still available [Celebitchy]
The best Beastie Boys tributes [COED Magazine]
The I’m Awesome Song [College Humor]
Back in my day sandboxes weren’t also interactive contour maps [The Chive]
Justin Bieber tries to look tough ringside, fails [Moe Jackson]
Miley Cyrus forgot her bra at Disneyland [Celebslam]
Octomom must masturbate a lot [The Blemish]
Justin Timberlake shits on the band that made him famous [Evil Beet Gossip]
AnnaLynne McCord is a natural beauty [Amy Gindhouse]
Jessica Biel is going to the Met Gala [Lainey Gossip]
Nicki Minaj is selling Pepsi now [Popcrush]
Logan Marshall-Green talks Prometheus [Popbytes]
Floyd Mayweather kicked some ass, is still going to jail [Heyman Hustle]
Gwen Stefani passed out [Allie Is Wired]
Lady Gaga loved her some cocaine [Celebrity VIP Lounge]

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Karl Lagerfeld Is Captain Obvious

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Karl Lagerfeld says Adele is too fat. Us Weekly says:

Famed fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld knows the fashion industry like the inside of a Chanel suit, but when it comes to being diplomatic about a woman’s body shape, he could use a little help. “The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice,” the 78-year-old head designer and creative director for Chanel told Metro Paris on Monday about the “Someone Like You” songstress, 23.

I’m not here to talk about how “real women” have curves and how the “average” woman is a size 14 and Marilyn Monroe was too (because by today’s size standards, she wasn’t) or how we need to be nicer. Because a lot of “real women” are size 2s, and yeah, Adele is pretty big. But what exactly is she “too fat” for? She makes her living by singing about men leaving her, not by modeling bikinis or fitting on rollercoasters. If she loses enough weight, a man may stick around a little longer and drunk girls won’t have as many good songs to sing when they’re sad. If her having some extra slices of pie means we’ll be subjected to hearing a little less Rihanna and Katy Perry all the time, by all means, let a fucking girl live.

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