Adele Was Actually Complimenting Chris Brown

Hey, remember this story from yesterday when everybody thought Adele confronted Chris Brown at the Grammys? Sorry for any of you who are now experiencing cognitive dissonance.

“Chris Brown and I were complimenting each other in that photo actually,” the Rolling in the Deep singer, 24, said on Twitter Tuesday.

Frank Ocean is totally going to write in his diary about this.

[h/t Radar Online]

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Adele Allegedly Yelled At Chris Brown At The Grammys

There was a story going around yesterday that Adele allegedly confronted Chris Brown and “told him off” at the Grammys on Sunday. This picture is the only evidence of the exchange, and nobody seems to have any sort of transcript of what was said. Looking at a picture and wishing it meant something else, is why Ashley Greene and I still aren’t married, so let’s all slow down and admit that this didn’t happen. If I had to guess, Adele was asking him if he had any good fried chicken recipes. Which would make her racist if she didn’t look like she really like fried things.

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Adele Had A Boy

If you remember, Adele was seven months pregnant before anybody realized she was pregnant. Most because she always looks pregnant. Now she’s not pregnant anymore. Congratulations! People reports:

Adele is officially rolling in the diapers! The British singing sensation, 24, is now Mum to a baby boy, a family source confirms to PEOPLE. “We are all over the moon,” the source says.

She had a baby. Cool. Whatever. But can we finally stop with this “over the moon” thing? What does that even mean? There’s a newborn in your house, why would you want to be over the moon? Seems a little irresponsible to me.

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Here’s Adele’s Song For Skyfall

The new theme song for Skyfall has been released today, and in case you didn’t know, it was co-written and performed by Adele. But what you may have not known is that the first three lines include Adele feeling the earth move then having a heart attack. That sounds about right.

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Adele is Pregnant

Not that you will be able to tell until she’s in her ninth month, but Adele is with child.

RadarOnline reports:

British songstress Adele announced on Friday that she is pregnant.
“I’m delighted to announce that Simon and I are expecting our first child together,” Adele wrote on her blog. “I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we’re over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time. Yours always, Adele xx.” Adele and boyfriend Simon Konecki have been together for nearly a year.

It’s a good thing her announcement was overshadowed by the TomKat divorce or today all the speculation would be about how monumentally stupid this is. Adele’s first love was a bisexual who left her for a man, (more…)

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Adele Is A Miraculous Healer Now Apparently

If I can be honest, I was hoping this was a food coma so I could have a built in joke. Us Magazine reports:

The Grammy winning singer’s trademark song “Rolling in the Deep” played a surprising role in the life and survival of Charlotte Neve, a 7-year-old British girl who had been languishing in a coma for months. Although doctors told Charlotte’s family that the little girl would not survive, she unexpectedly woke up — and smiled! — when the chart-topping track played on the radio. After suffering a brain hemorrhage in mid-April and undergoing two operations, Charlotte had slipped into a coma, one her doctors didn’t expect her to recover from. Her mother, Leila, tells British paper The Telegraph that she was getting ready to say goodbye to her comatose child when the song, one of Charlotte’s faves, came on. “Charlotte started smiling, and I couldn’t believe it,” Leila recalled. “It was the first time she had reacted to anything since the hemorrhage. The nurses were astounded and told me to keep singing, and she smiled again. The nurses said it was like I ‘unlocked her’ and from that day she started getting better and better.” A couple days later, Charlotte “literally went from smiling and being giddy to standing up in bed,” Leila continued. “It was a miracle.” She is now recovering at home, learning to walk again, and is even back at school.

Totally. Adele so saved this girl’s life. Or her mother did. Or the doctors. Or that thing where, I don’t know, people suddenly wake up from comas. I heard Adele was so moved by this story that she visited the girl and put hot sauce on her then ate her. Oh, please. You know she thought about it. You know, only after the girl wasn’t a vegetable. HAHAHAHA, BOOM! SAVE & PUBLISH!!

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Emma Stone And Olivia Wilde Have A Blonde-Off, Links

Lindsay Lohan might be Woody Allen’s new muse [The Superficial]
Katherine Heigl is at the gym [Popoholic]
Katy Perry found her calling, is selling sports bras now [Hollywood Tuna]
Just about every current blockbuster’s leading lady topless (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Hot Dog ‘N Handjobs was a thing that existed [Dlisted]
Tom Cruise is topless, tattooed [Celebuzz]
Alexander Skarsgard is still available [Celebitchy]
The best Beastie Boys tributes [COED Magazine]
The I’m Awesome Song [College Humor]
Back in my day sandboxes weren’t also interactive contour maps [The Chive]
Justin Bieber tries to look tough ringside, fails [Moe Jackson]
Miley Cyrus forgot her bra at Disneyland [Celebslam]
Octomom must masturbate a lot [The Blemish]
Justin Timberlake shits on the band that made him famous [Evil Beet Gossip]
AnnaLynne McCord is a natural beauty [Amy Gindhouse]
Jessica Biel is going to the Met Gala [Lainey Gossip]
Nicki Minaj is selling Pepsi now [Popcrush]
Logan Marshall-Green talks Prometheus [Popbytes]
Floyd Mayweather kicked some ass, is still going to jail [Heyman Hustle]
Gwen Stefani passed out [Allie Is Wired]
Lady Gaga loved her some cocaine [Celebrity VIP Lounge]

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Karl Lagerfeld Is Captain Obvious

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Karl Lagerfeld says Adele is too fat. Us Weekly says:

Famed fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld knows the fashion industry like the inside of a Chanel suit, but when it comes to being diplomatic about a woman’s body shape, he could use a little help. “The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice,” the 78-year-old head designer and creative director for Chanel told Metro Paris on Monday about the “Someone Like You” songstress, 23.

I’m not here to talk about how “real women” have curves and how the “average” woman is a size 14 and Marilyn Monroe was too (because by today’s size standards, she wasn’t) or how we need to be nicer. Because a lot of “real women” are size 2s, and yeah, Adele is pretty big. But what exactly is she “too fat” for? She makes her living by singing about men leaving her, not by modeling bikinis or fitting on rollercoasters. If she loses enough weight, a man may stick around a little longer and drunk girls won’t have as many good songs to sing when they’re sad. If her having some extra slices of pie means we’ll be subjected to hearing a little less Rihanna and Katy Perry all the time, by all means, let a fucking girl live.

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Adele Went On Vacation With Her New Boyfriend

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So I guess we can expect 23 some timesoon then? Page Six reports:

Adele and Simon Konecki were spotted in the Everglades National Park, getting on an airboat for an alligator-spotting tour. Adele wore a printed caftan over black leggings and had a smile across her face as Konecki, in a red hoodie, embraced her. Konecki then pulled the “Rolling in the Deep” singer in for a kiss.

I bet he’s really handsome.

Konecki, 36, operates an English charity called Drop4Drop. He is stocky and sports a full beard. But it may be his sense of humor that drew Adele to him. In a recent interview with trade publication The Grocer, Konecki was asked which celebrity he would hire to work for his company. “Snoop Dogg,” replied Konecki. “To answer the phones with his dulcet tones.” He is a dead ringer for hairy Hangover actor Zach Galifianakis — who Adele told The Sun she fancied last year. Simon, 36 — boss of Brighton-based charity Drop4Drop — joined Londoner Adele on a trip to the Everglades National Park near Miami. He made her giggle as they strolled on a beach before boarding an alligator-spotting airboat. So it’s no wonder she snapped him up. Adele, whose split from a previous boyfriend inspired her biggest hits, also told The Sun: “If they make me laugh, I’m in the bed.” (ed.’s note: Ladies?)

I like how the article thinly suggests that Adele’s boyfriend is ugly and fat yet she only condescended to go out with him because he makes her laugh. Yep, that’s the only reason. She could have her pick of male models or A-list actors, but she just wants the guy who makes her laugh. Totally. It couldn’t have anything do with the fact that they probably just closed down a Cracker Barrel together before they got on the airboat. Let’s not get carried away here, New York Post.

Note: Also, there’s really no need to include the phrase “Adele wore black leggings” in any more of your articles. That part was already assumed.

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Adele Had Successful Throat Surgery

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Apparently after walking into Boston Market and trying to swallow a whole chicken, Adele messed up her throat and had to have surgery. Haha, I made that first part up, you guys! It was a Bojangle’s. People reports:

British singer Adele is well on her way to a full recovery following throat surgery for a hemorrhaged vocal chord. “Thank you for all your positive thoughts and get well wishes,” the Grammy winner, 23, writes on her website. “I’m doing really well, on the mend, super happy, relaxed and very positive with it all.” She adds: “The operation was a success and I’m just chilling out now until I get the all clear from my doctors.”

This is the closest thing to a sports injury Adele will ever get, so I’m glad she’s remaining as inactive as possible during her recovery. I mean, you wouldn’t want to get on a treadmill or take a pliates class when recovering from throat surgery or anything. I read somewhere that if you do, that octopus from The Little Mermaid will come and steal your voice. I think it was the bible.

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