Aaron Hernandez’s Prison Boyfriend Was A 22-Year Old Bank Robber
Aaron Hernandez’s Prison Boyfriend Was A 22-Year Old Bank Robber

 

This Aaron Hernandez story has become increasingly batshit, but here’s what we might or might not know: 1.) Aaron Hernandez shot and killed Odin Lloyd a mile away from his house because may or may not have threatened to tall people Hernandez was bisexual. 2.) Aaron Hernandez may have committed suicide in prison or Hernandez may have been murdered for reasons nobody has really explained. 3.) Aaron Hernandez left three suicide notes and one of the three may or may not have been addressed to his prison piece. 4.) Aaron Hernandez’s lawyer says none of this is true except the part where Hernandez shot and killed Odin Lloyd then died in prison.

Hernandez’s lawyer, Jose Baez, tells TMZ Sports, “Rumors of letters to a gay lover, in or out of prison, are false. These are malicious leaks used to tarnish somebody who is dead.” The D.A. announced Thursday 3 letters were next to Hernandez’s Bible, and that’s when the rumors began.

 

It’s 2017, so I know that we’re supposed to feel sympathetic for a violent murderer instead of people who chose to vote for Trump, but fuck all that.  We can talk all day about the social constructs and stigmas in America that lead someone to commit murder to conceal their sexual identity, but if you’re looking for me to feel sorry for Aaron Hernandez, nah. Senselessly murdering people kinda makes a lot of opinions change on your internal struggle. Whatever happened or didn’t happen, two people are dead and only one doesn’t deserve to be. I’ll let you decide which one depending on how many Patriots jerseys you have.

 

This post is about living a lie to cover up your true identity, but I didn’t want to post any Aaron Hernandez pics, so here’s Kylie Jenner.

 

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Aaron Hernandez Killed Those Two Dudes in 2012 Because They Spilled His Drink
Aaron Hernandez Killed Those Two Dudes in 2012 Because They Spilled His Drink

 

Aaron Hernandez leads all NFL tight ends in overreactions.

Aaron Hernandez was arraigned today for the drive-by murders of Daniel Abreu and Safiro Furtado outside a Boston club in July 2012. He pleaded not guilty, and for the first time, the prosecution offered a suspected motive: disrespect. According to the D.A., Abreu accidentally bumped into Hernandez, spilling a drink, and did not apologize. This infuriated Hernandez, who according to the prosecution felt he had been increasingly disrespected at clubs. Surveillance video captured Hernandez angrily pacing outside the club before the victims left. The victims had no idea Hernandez was angry at them, let alone that he was following them when they left the club. According to the prosecution, Hernandez pulled up alongside their car at a stop light, said "Yo, what's up now, [racial slur]?" and fired at least five shots.

Damn, homey. Stalking someone and shooting them at point blank range seems like a perfectly sane response to someone accidentally bumping into you in a crowded club. You signed a 5-year extension with the Patriots that included the largest signing bonus ever given to a tight end in NFL history the month before, so why not kill two people because they didn't apologize? Money isn't everything. You deserve respect. But I'm not sure how much you're gonna get in America, bro. You had a bunch of guns, but you only managed to kill like what, three people total? What's up with that? Kinda amateur. Sorry.

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Aaron Hernandez Basically Just Murders Everyone
Aaron Hernandez Basically Just Murders Everyone

 

Already in prison for killing a dude in 2013, Aaron Hernandez was indicted today on two counts of first-degree murder for killing Daniel Abreu and Safiro Furtado in a drive by shooting outside a Boston nightclub in July 2012. Authorities have no surveillance footage, because Bill Belichick did not film it.

 In addition to the two counts of first-degree murder in Abreu and Furtado's deaths, Hernandez has also been charged with three counts of armed assault with intent to murder and one count of assault and battery by means of a dangerous weapon, Suffolk County District Attorney Daniel Conley said at a Thursday news conference. The latter four counts reflect shots fired at three people inside the car that Abreu and Furtado were in, Conley said. One of the people in the car suffered a gunshot wound, he said. Conley said that Hernandez was driving an SUV that pulled up alongside Abreu and Furtado's car near the nightclub and that the former football star fired a .38-caliber revolver at them. Hernandez has also been charged with unlawfully carrying the gun he allegedly used in the attack, Conley said.

Listen, and understand. Aaron Hernandez is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. What?! Look! You have heard enough! I have answered your questions! Now, I have to see Tom Brady! You still don't get it, do you? He'll find her! That's what he does! That's ALL he does! You can't stop him! He'll wade through you, reach down her throat and pull her fuckin' heart out!

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Tim Tebow Broke Up An Aaron Hernandez Bar Fight In 2007
Tim Tebow Broke Up An Aaron Hernandez Bar Fight In 2007

 

Let's ignore the fact that Tim Tebow was at a bar in Florida while underage, the real story here is that Tebow used his Jesus powers to stop his psychotic teammate at the University of Florida, Aaron Hernandez, from beating a bouncer to death in 2007. ESPN reports:

Tim Tebow  tried to play peacemaker in a 2007 bar fight involving Florida teammate Aaron Hernandez, according to a supplemental police report obtained by ABC News. Tebow, whose name was not included in the first report, told police that he urged the then-17-year-old Hernandez to leave peacefully and offered to pay the disputed bill. Employee Michael Taphorn suffered a burst ear drum when punched by Hernandez, and initially told police he wanted to pursue charges. But he later had second thoughts, according to the supplemental report. Taphorn stated he had been contacted by legal staff and Florida coaches about a possible agreeement in the case. A Florida spokesperson told ESPN.com's Andy Katz Tuesday night that "No one from the university's general counsel's office was involved in this matter." When police arrived at the scene and could not find Hernandez, they interviewed Tebow about the incident, the Orlando Sentinel reported. According to police records obtained by the newspaper, Tebow said he witnessed the dispute and tried to "help resolve the conflict."

28 NFL players have been arrested since the Super Bowl, and while that might sound bad, the Patriots are the only ones who drafted a mass murderer. And no matter how many times the burning bush leads Tebow to live under the delusion that he'll ever be a NFL quarterback, he seems like a truly decent guy and at least he's never been arrested or tried to kill anything (unless you want to count the first time he enters a vagina). And that's pretty much a compliment you give someone in the NFL now: "at least he's never been arrested or tried to kill anything". But none of that matters. It's the NFL. They could burn puppies alive at halftime during every game and it would still be the highest rating thing on television every fall.

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Aaron Hernandez Was Denied Bail
Aaron Hernandez Was Denied Bail

 

In case you need further proof that New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez murdered Odin Lloyd execution style, he was denied bail today. TMZ reports:

NFL star and murder suspect Aaron Hernandez has just been denied bail … meaning he'll rot behind bars until his trial … and that could take forever. Hernandez was present in court today for a bail review hearing, where his lawyer begged the judge to release Hernandez from custody while he awaits trial. But the judge wasn't moved by his arguments — that Hernandez is an upstanding citizen and family man with no flight risk — claiming the prosecution already had very strong evidence that Hernandez had committed the crime.

We can say say he is an "upstanding citizen" and "family man with no flight risk", but let's remember that he has millions that a non-extradition country's economy would welcome. Also, he was probably denied bail over the little fact that HE'S A SUSPECT IN A 2012 DOUBLE MURDER NOW

There are reports that Hernandez is being investigated about a shooting incident from July 2012 — when two men were killed in a late-night drive-by in Boston. We reached out to the Suffolk County District Attorney … and a rep for the office would only confirm there is an "active investigation" into the case. When we pushed and asked if Hernandez was a person of interest … the rep had no comment. However, one source close to the situation tells us, "It's safe to assume he is now involved."

I think a good question for everybody right now is who hasn't Aaron Hernadez killed? Lawyers should make commercials about this dude like they do about mesothelioma and asbestos.

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Patriots’ Aaron Hernandez Got Arrested And Released From The Team In The Same Day
Patriots’ Aaron Hernandez Got Arrested And Released From The Team In The Same Day

 

A good rule of thumb for life is not to let a dead body be discovered a mile away from house, the house that you just had professionally cleaned and the security surveillance system destroyed. Police tend to pick up on things like that. NBC News reports:

New England Patriots star tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested Wednesday morning, more than a week after a body was found near his home in Massachusetts.

Less than two hours after the arrest, the Patriots announced they were releasing Hernandez.

"A young man was murdered last week and we extend our sympathies to the family and friends who mourn his loss. Words cannot express the disappointment we feel knowing that one of our players was arrested as a result of this investigation. We realize that law enforcement investigations into this matter are ongoing. We support their efforts and respect the process. At this time, we believe this transaction is simply the right thing to do," a statement from the team read.


Although Aaaron Hernandez has never been officially named as a suspect in the case, the police have seached his home several times. And know he'sin custody. Seems like Hernandez is really going out of his way not to play with Tim Tebow.

 

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