Miley Cyrus’ Homeless Dude Has Outstanding Warrants
Miley Cyrus’ Homeless Dude Has Outstanding Warrants

 

By now, we’ve all heard the heartwarming story about how Miley Cyrus was browsing H&M’s website and found a homeless guy to accompany her to the 2014 MTV VMAs, because she needed a different prop besides Robin Thicke and a sexually assaulted teddy bear to make people forget the last time she was there.  The dude gave an emotional speech about teen homelessness, but forgot to give a shout out to his probation officer.

Miley Cyrus introduced the world to Jesse Helt when he accepted her MTV VMA for Video of the Year on her behalf over the weekend, but now more information about the homeless youth is being revealed. E! News has learned that there is a warrant out for the arrest of the Salem, Ore., native for violation of probation, stemming from previous charges including criminal trespassing and criminal mischief. He was also charged with burglary after a 2010 incident where he attempted to break into an apartment. According to recent court documents, Helt violated his probation on numerous occasions after failing to take a drug test, failing to report to his probation officer, breaching his curfew, not finishing his community service hours and more.

The media has done a great job of painting Jesse Helt as a helpless youth down on his luck who was saved by Miley Cyrus, but please keep in mind, this is a violent criminal and drug addict with an extensive record who is on the run from the authorities. The only way to prevent further victims of this man’s criminal activity is to shoot him immediately. At least 11 times. Anything less than 11 wouldn’t be sufficient justice for those he has permanently damaged with his criminal mischief and burglary or what have you. Doesn’t matter. He has a criminal record. Ask yourself, do you feel safe with this man walking the streets? I mean, like he literally walks the streets because he’s homeless.

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Sofia Vergara Gives No Damns
Sofia Vergara Gives No Damns

 

A day after they were dressing up their cats like Beyonce after she twerked on a stripper pole and humped furniture in front of her 2-year old, feminists the world over collectively dropped their crochet needles to voice their displeasure over Sofia Vergara‘s bit at the Emmys last night. She doesn’t give a fuck.

During the 66th annual awards, the Modern Family actress stepped onto on a slowly rotating pedestal, showing off her curves while the president of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences Bruce Rosenblum did his annual dull drone-speech. The gag was immediately slammed on Twitter and some news sites: “A very troubling turn,” wrote HuffPo. “She was treated like a literal object,” fumed Jezebel. “A bizarre, objectifying Emmy moment,” headlined Salon. Yet when asked whether the stunt was sexist and demeaning, Vergara shot back: “I think its absolutely the opposite. It means that somebody can be hot and also be funny and make fun of herself. I think it’s ridiculous that somebody started this—I know who she was—who has no sense of humor [and should] lighten up a little bit.” It’s not immediately clear who Vergara was referring to has having started the criticism.

I don’t want to sound like a woman here, but this literally makes no sense. We all saw what Beyonce did, and we all saw what Sofia Vergara did, sooo….like what’s the difference? Seriously. Tell the difference. I need to know. Beyonce is a rich, famous, woman who chooses to hypersexualize herself even though she’s reached a point where that’s not a patriarchal requirement. Sofia Vergara’s entire career has been built on her sex appeal and goofiness, so of course she would agree to to this. Was it lame? Yeah. Was it misogyny? Sure, if that’s what you to call it. Or, maybe, it could be a hot ass woman who knows she’s hot and is cool with being in on the joke however lame it might be. Vergara is obviously fine with being a caricature of herself, and here’s the shocking twist, that doesn’t mean she’s a direct reflection on you. Trust me, if I see you, I won’t be thinking about Sofia Vergara. Especially if you continue to wear those yoga pants you have convinced yourself that they fit. I only think about Sofia Vergara when I’m thinking about Sofia Vergara.  If a woman has a right to choose what she does with her own body, then a woman has a right to do choose what she wants to do with her own body.  That sentence isn’t just limited to abortions and birth control. Women, we love you. We all do. But at some point you need to learn to get out of your own way.  I’ll be in the kitchen doing stuff because I feel the patriarchy shouldn’t define my gender role. Gurrll, don’t be mad. Wait until you get a bite of this omelet.

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Christ

 

Let me preface this by saying Breaking Bad is one of my all-time favorite shows, but I’m not understanding why the Ferguson riots didn’t move to the Nokia Theater after Bryan Cranston won over Matthew McConaughey. But in a related True Detective story, Alexandra Daddario went to the Emmys last night and damn, son. I said damn, son. Skinny, hot, brunette, blue eyes, huge rack, likes to get topless. Not sure what else I’d need in life except maybe burritos. And I’d gladly accept tacos if burritos weren’t available. Lack of burritos isn’t a deal breaker in this scenario.

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So, Sofia Vergara Did This Thing
So, Sofia Vergara Did This Thing

 

Julianna Margulies told us last night that it’s a “wonderful time for women on television“, but it was also a wonderful time to be a feminist on Twitter, because when Sofia Vergara stepped on a rotating platform to be blatantly objectified, the toxic shock syndrome took effect and feminists went apeshit because it was another opportunity to talk about the patriarchy and rape stats.  Like, I can get the outrage since they had her ass up there like a piece of  sweet potato pie in a diner (which is considerably less messy to eat btw), but I just assumed that everyone loves looking at Sofia Vergara like this. Even Sofia Vergara. Remember, Beyonce was on a literal stripper pole the night before and now she’s Dora Russell. And to be honest, there’s a reason they didn’t ask Lena Dunham to step up on that platform. Nobody should be subjected to that.

 

That being said, Happy Women’s Equality Day, everyone!

 

 

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Hayden Panettiere Is Super Pregnant

With all the unrest happening in the world right now, we seemed to have overlooked what appears to be a scientific breakthrough in interspecies procreation, because garden gnome  Hayden Panettiere attended the Enmmys last night still carrying Russian government experiment Wladimir Klitschko‘s unborn “child”. It’s only a matter of time before it claws through her vagina and terrorizes villagers and disemboweling farm animals for sport, but his mother looks absolutely radiant here. She also seems to have gotten pregnant in her ass. I slept through most of my biology classes so I didn’t know that was a thing.

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