Kim Kardashian got a second hand invitation to the Brit Awards, and she showed up wearing another one of special made outfits that was specially crafted by Chinese kids with a firm grasp on the law of physics. Like, for real, who looks at her ass and legitimately wants to stick their penis in it? It looks like something you’d lower into the velociraptor cage.
I posted about Taylor Swift yesterday and now I’m posting about Taylor Swift today. Good times. I’m not sure what’s up with her wardrobe choices lately, but I’m not going to ask too many questions. Maybe her cats destroyed all her rompers and ASOS coats. Nice job, cats.
She’ll sadly never gonna be as hot as her mom, but any human who came out of Lisa Bonet’s vagina wasn’t going to be unattractive, so here’s Zoe Kravitz on the cover of Ocean Magazine. Giuliana Rancic saw these pictures and threw up the rice cake she thought about eating yesterday. Then Kelly Osbourne snarled and snatched it off the ground and deep fried it in Nutella.
I know me posting this first is the online equivalent of me banging Abigail Ratchford against her kitchen counter then sneaking out the back and wiping off my mouth before The Superficial comes over with three dozen long stems and a dinner reservation, but I’m up early today. Sorry, Mike! Your girl is lookin’ hot as fuck though. Big fan, big fan.
One could make the case that Chelsea Handler should have smoked weed while she had a show, but she posted her legal medical marijuana card on Twitter yesterday. If I was high right now, I’d point at the DOB and laugh. C’mon, now. You can’t be 40 for 10 years unless you’re a vampire or Gwen Stefani.
I’ve made no secret of the fact that I want to pin Taylor Swift‘s knees to her ears and take out my anger over her music on her vagina, because I’m a romantic at heart. The dress she wore to the Elle Style Awards doesn’t change that. Just thought everyone should know that. I’m really big on sharing and communicating my emotions.
E!’s Fashion Police is a culturally relevant and enlightening show where D-list white chicks and a gay guy attempt to eviscerate women with better careers by simply panning a camera up and down their bodies and questioning their wardrobe choices even though Giuliana Rancic looks like she has a number tattooed on her wrist. So when Zendaya appeared on the 2015 Oscar’s red carpet in a Vivienne Westwood gown and dreadlocks to celebrate her culture, it got a little confusing for the white people. Take it away Rancic:
“I feel that she smells like patchouli oil… or weed. Yeah, maybe weed.”
Oh, I know! Such a harmless joke! Why can’t people who have been constantly stereotyped because of their hair and endure the negative connotations because they choose to wear their hair naturally?! People need to lighten up! Or not. Take it away, Zendaya.
“There is a fine line between what is funny and disrespectful,” she wrote. “Someone said something about my hair at the Oscars that left me in awe. Not because I was relishing in rave outfit reviews, but because I was hit with ignorant slurs and pure disrespect. To say that an 18-year-old young woman with locs must smell of patchouli oil or ‘weed’ is not only a stereotype, but outrageously offensive.” (read full rant here)
Rancic could have replaced all the words in this video with, “oh god plz don’t fire me” and it would have meant the same thing, but if she really wants to smell weed on somebody with dreadlocks, I’d like to invite her to come to Decatur. I can introduce her to all the trust fund white kids who are discovering themselves while talking a lot about organic coffee and dolphin massacres.
The only reason Fifty Shades of Grey didn’t make Passion Of The Christ numbers is because I assume churches frown upon using their buses to drive horny, sexually oppressed women to the theater who just want to watch the only porn they can. Anyway, the movie sucked and Jamie Dornan won’t be in the other ones.
Jamie Dornan won’t star in a sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey – because his wife doesn’t want him to, it has been claimed. Actress Amelia Warner, who has a 15-month-old daughter with the star, is said to be unhappy with him acting out the explicit sex scenes in the controversial film. And Jamie, from Holywood, Co Down, has been left reeling by a barrage of scathing reviews for the movie adaptation of the risque S&M book.
Now this is real love. Jamie Dornan and his wife saw the movie, then his wife said, “you can put this on me. just say it’s because of me. fuck it.”.
Dan Gilroy won Best First Feature for the fucking awesome Nightcrawler at the Independent Spirit Awards, then used his acceptaance speech to say, “I think are holdouts against a tsunami of superhero movies that have swept over this industry. We have survived and we have thrived and I think that’s true spirit.” That’s cool, Gilroy. But I wish you would have told us more about the time you wrote Reel Steel and The Bourne Legacy. And Tim Burton’s Superman Lives movie that never happened. Jack Black got in on the fun at the Oscars by doing Jack Black things. Anyway, Guardians Of The Galaxy director, James Gunn, wasn’t happy about it, so he did what any angry mom would do when bully son gets called out at school. He wrote a really long Facebook post about it.
“I didn’t really find the Jack Black superhero jokes offensive, did you guys? It was, like, a joke. I’m not sure if you guys noticed, but the writing on the Oscars didn’t seem to be all that well thought out. As far as Dan Gilroy saying that attendees of the Independent Spirit Awards have survived against a “tsunami of superhero films” – well it seems a bit weird coming from a guy whose wife has acted in two Thor films – really, that seems like you’ve drowned horribly in that tsunami. But I know I just kind of make up stuff as I go along on these awards shows, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Whatever the case, the truth is, popular fare in any medium has always been snubbed by the self-appointed elite. I’ve already won more awards than I ever expected for Guardians. What bothers me slightly is that many people assume because you make big films that you put less love, care, and thought into them then people do who make independent films or who make what are considered more serious Hollywood films. I’ve made B-movies, independent films, children’s movies, horror films, and gigantic spectacles. I find there are plenty of people everywhere making movies for a buck or to feed their own vanity. And then there are people who do what they do because they love story-telling, they love cinema, and they want to add back to the world some of the same magic they’ve taken from the works of others. In all honesty, I do no find a strikingly different percentage of those with integrity and those without working within any of these fields of film. If you think people who make superhero movies are dumb, come out and say we’re dumb. But if you, as an independent filmmaker or a “serious” filmmaker, think you put more love into your characters than the Russo Brothers do Captain America, or Joss Whedon does the Hulk, or I do a talking raccoon, you are simply mistaken.”
Christ. Fucking boo hoo. Like, I really want to like superhero movies, and I know they want to be taken seriously, but Google comic book Captain America then look at Chris Evans in that Party City costume. Google comic Hulk then go look at Mark Ruffalo’s CGI head cut and pasted on Shrek’s body. No matter what theme of the human condition you’re trying to explore, it just doesn’t work when Jennifer Lawrence is covered in blue scales. Sorry. I know you really want it to, but it’s not gonna happen. Hiring actual directors doesn’t really legitimize those movies, it just means Marvel and DC wrote some numbers on a check that nobody could turn down. You walk into a superhero movie and walk out having seen a superhero movie. Your opinions or worldview hasn’t really changed, you just saw some shit get blown up and Robert Downey, Jr. put his great great grandkids through college. Superhero movies exist because they make a tsunami of money. That being said, Guardians of Galaxy and American Sniper were the two best movies about fictional superheros last year. Sorry, that movie where Captain America tried to uncover a political conspiracy with that black guy. You tried.
It was cool at the Oscars when Lady Gaga sang shit from The Sound Of Music and everybody said, “oh yeah, she can sing. forgot about that”. But you can have your memory wiped and still know that Christina Aguilera can sing better than about 99% of the people who have ever lived on the Earth. That’s just pretty much a fact. That being said, she went on Jimmy Fallon last night and did “random” musical impressions. One was Britney Spears. So if you ever wondered what Britney Spears would sound like if her voice wasn’t computer generated, then you’re in luck.