Hey, Remember Paris Hilton? By todd September 26, 2014
Hey, Remember Paris Hilton?

 

Remember when Kim Kardashian was basically another one of Paris Hilton accessories? Good times, good times. And remember when all of you would hit it, even though you say you never said that now? Good times, good times. Well, apparently her herpes medication is being taken regularly, because here she is “#Killingit on set today” at some photoshoot. A photoshoot for what I’m really not sure. Maybe something about squat awareness.

  Remember when Kim Kardashian was basically another one of Paris Hilton accessories? Good times, good times. And remember when all of you would hit it, even though you say…

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Kim Kardashian Got “Attacked” At Paris Fashion Week By todd September 25, 2014
Kim Kardashian Got “Attacked” At Paris Fashion Week

 

Bruh. Kanye West in Paris looking like a mariachi.

Kim Kardashian was tackled and almost knocked to the ground in an alarming assault during a Paris Fashion Week event. Kim, Kanye and Kris Jenner arrived at a Fashion Show Thursday … and several hundred people — including a gaggle of photogs — were squeezed in to watch them arrive. As Kim gets out of the car, a guy lunges at her, tackling her legs and tries to pull her to the ground. You see security jump in, subdue the guy … and then quickly escort Kim and Kris into the building. TMZ has learned the attacker may be Vitalii Sediuk — the Ukrainian prankster who did the same thing to Leo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and Will Smith. According to his rep, Sediuk is taking credit for lunging at Kim. He wasn’t arrested on the scene — but our Kardashian sources say the paparazzi actually turned on Sediuk and held him down while Kim was whisked away.

Ok, so maybe she wasn’t really attacked. Some dude tried to tackle her, because that’s a funny prank or something, I guess? I’m not sure. You’d think nobody would bother Kim in Paris because she looks kinda Muslim, but she also dresses like pastor’s wife, so it was probably confusing to a lot of bystanders.

  Bruh. Kanye West in Paris looking like a mariachi. Kim Kardashian was tackled and almost knocked to the ground in an alarming assault during a Paris Fashion Week event….

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Justin Bieber Jumped Off A Cliff, Bursted His Eardrum By todd September 25, 2014
Justin Bieber Jumped Off A Cliff, Bursted His Eardrum

 

When you’re rich and white, you have to do things that make you feel more alive by being closer to death, because being pulled over by police or walking down the street just doesn’t cut it. So you have to do things like skydiving, getting in a shark cage, and date raping girls in a fraternity. Also cliff diving.

If anyone was going to be injured after deliberately hurling themselves off a cliff, it was going to be Justin Bieber. The singer was left potentially needing surgery for a ruptured eardrum after he attempted to leap into the sea from a particularly high piece of land. “Busted my ear drum cliff diving,” he told his followers on Twitter. “Doc says might need surgery now. Sucks.”

Now for the bad news.

“My ear drum might back us up a little but I’m still bringing you this new music,” he commiserated.

Can I burst my eardrum instead? That would be pretty helpful.

  When you’re rich and white, you have to do things that make you feel more alive by being closer to death, because being pulled over by police or walking…

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Lindsay’s Stage Debut Thing Was A Complete Disaster By todd September 25, 2014
Lindsay’s Stage Debut Thing Was A Complete Disaster

 

Lindsay Lohan has been in London for a while now because she was hooking and because she was cast in David Mamet’s play Speed The Plow. But mostly hooking. Well, her first performance was last night and it was just as Lohaned as you’d expect.

Lohan was a disaster … unprepared, nervous and flubbing lines left and right. According to several accounts … people backstage were feeding Lindsay her lines. Even more obvious … she carried a prop book with her dialogue and repeatedly consulted it. The theater was reportedly only half full. Lohan was described as looking pale and nervous … a look she usually reserves for the judge.

Like, for real, did anybody think this was gonna be any different? I wouldn’t cast Lindsay as an extra in a movie about Lindsay Lohan.

  Lindsay Lohan has been in London for a while now because she was hooking and because she was cast in David Mamet’s play Speed The Plow. But mostly hooking….

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Oh No, You Guys By todd September 25, 2014
Oh No, You Guys

 

At least it was longer than 72 hours. That’s a plus.

The latest issue of In Touch Weekly talks up a “Nasty $250M Divorce” on the way for the couple dubbed Kimye, as they allegedly got involved in the “fight to end all fights” and their union will be over. Kardashian supposedly “wants out” because she’s tired of her husband’s big ego and controlling behavior, an anonymous insider hilariously claims, while the tabloid writes that the pair has never even “lived together full-time.” Kanye is also mad about the Kim Kardashian nude photos that leaked this week because they were snapped (a long time ago) for another man, while he’s been pushing her to “quit” her reality show – and Kim just can’t take it anymore.

OMG, you guys. Two narcissistic, ego maniacs who would shrivel and die unless they get put outside in the spotlight once a day can’t get a long? Why didn’t anybody see this coming? And why does North have a comb over? And what was worse than Kendra knew? That new show Gotham? It’s pretty bad.

 

  At least it was longer than 72 hours. That’s a plus. The latest issue of In Touch Weekly talks up a “Nasty $250M Divorce” on the way for the…

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So That Whole Emma Watson Thing Was A Marketing Hoax To Shut Down 4Chan By todd September 24, 2014
So That Whole Emma Watson Thing Was A Marketing Hoax To Shut Down 4Chan

 

Ummm…okay then.

The nude photo leak threat targeting Emma Watson earlier this week turned out to be a viral marketing stunt by a site calling itself Rantic Marketing. Rantic claims to want to shut down the website 4chan, but the “social media marketing enterprise” may itself just be a hoax. The original website surrounding the false leaks, EmmaYouAreNext.com, threatened to release nude photographs of the 24-year-old actress and included a clock counting down to Saturday at midnight ET. The person who posted the website said it was in retaliation for Watson’s well-received speech that she gave at the United Nations on Sept. 20. However, by midnight on Wednesday, the URL redirected to Rantic Marketing’s website. Watson’s face and the countdown clock has been replaced with a banner that says, “#shutdown4chan” and an open letter to President Barack Obama that claims celebrity publicists hired the marketing company to popularize a call for Internet censorship and the end of 4chan. Initially, the threats were reportedly posted on the anonymous, forum-based website 4chan, which was previously the center of previous celebrity photo hacks. An earlier version of Rantic’s website claimed to have worked with such companies as McDonald’s and Rockstar Games.

So, let me see if I understand this: a marketing company was hired to launch an anti-nude leak campaign or whatever and their big plan was to scare the living shit of Emma Watson by pretending to be a person claiming to have nude pics of her just so they can shut down the site where this whole thing started? This company must have a lot of interns. If you’re gonna make your whole company interns, it’s probably best to let them post things that will get a lot of hits thereby making you more money that you don’t have to pay them. Things like, “14 Animals That Make You Wish You Had A Mustache” for instance.

  Ummm…okay then. The nude photo leak threat targeting Emma Watson earlier this week turned out to be a viral marketing stunt by a site calling itself Rantic Marketing. Rantic…

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Lana Del Rey Is Playing Two Shows At A Cemetery By todd September 24, 2014
Lana Del Rey Is Playing Two Shows At A Cemetery

 

Lana Del Rey always looks like she’s mid-roofie and her music sounds like Heroin: The Musical. Also, she could get it. Also again, she’s playing two gigs at Hollywood Forever Cemetery in October. Some people are mad about it.

Lana Del Rey’s latest album Ultraviolence has been accused of being gloomy, doomy and outright dark. Now she’s out to prove her critics right by announcing a pair of concerts at a cemetery. The American artist will play two special shows at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery on Oct. 17 and 18 in support of her latest Polydor/Interscope album. Del Rey’s choice of venue will surely raise eyebrows, though she’s certainly done her homework.

You know whose eyebrows won’t be raised? All the dead people buried in the cemetery. Because dead people can’t really raise anything because they’re dead. If they could raise stuff they wouldn’t be buried there, so I don’t think they’ll care too much about Lana performing a concert on top of them. They don’t care about anything, because I just pointed out, they’re dead and when your dead your brain doesn’t work. It’s kinda just chillin in your skull until worms or whatever find a way to get to it, then it’s Aaron’s Party up in your head except instead of people the party is with worms and stuff like that (come get it). And let’s just say there’s one dead person who isn’t really dead and they’re awake in the casket. It’ s still cool, because Lana will put him back to sleep by say, like, the third song.

  Lana Del Rey always looks like she’s mid-roofie and her music sounds like Heroin: The Musical. Also, she could get it. Also again, she’s playing two gigs at Hollywood…

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Nobody Watched Beyonce and Jay-Z’s HBO Concert By todd September 24, 2014
Nobody Watched Beyonce and Jay-Z’s HBO Concert

 

 The “On The Run” HBO Concert event got hyped more Tim Tebow and chicks with bangs, but apparently people like college football and a show about nerds more. Sorry, Bey. (via ONTD)

Beyonce and Jay-Z’s MUCH hyped HBO concert special was a ratings FLOP on Saturday night. The special drew UNDER 900,000 viewers and didn’t even make the Top 20 cable shows of the evening …..

So what were all the feminists watching on the 20th? Was HelloGiggles having some sort of webinar about how to be kind to yourself or how to make a playlist that will make you stop all the negative self-talk? Probably a lot of TLC and Michelle Branch.

   The “On The Run” HBO Concert event got hyped more Tim Tebow and chicks with bangs, but apparently people like college football and a show about nerds more. Sorry,…

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Ariana Grande Is A Monster By todd September 24, 2014
Ariana Grande Is A Monster

 

Hey. guys. Ariana Grande went somewhere and was a huge bitch to everybody. Pretty shocking stuff!

Ariana Grande’s diva behavior continues. We’re told the “Problem” singer, who will only be photographed from her left side, was a problem on her Marie Claire cover shoot. Sources say Grande, who came with her mom, arrived late, was a “monster” about her hair and treated everyone terribly.

Then these are the next two sentences:

A mag rep said, “She did not postpone the shoot and nothing about her arrival time was a surprise to us. She was professional and accommodating and she posed for photos with editor Anne Fulenwider’s kids.”

Did Ariana steal the media’s boyfriend or something? The media seems to be really after her.  But you know what the media can’t touch, Ariana? Our hearts.

  Hey. guys. Ariana Grande went somewhere and was a huge bitch to everybody. Pretty shocking stuff! Ariana Grande’s diva behavior continues. We’re told the “Problem” singer, who will only…

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4Chan Is Gonna Leak Emma Watson Nudes Because She Gave That Feminism Speech By todd September 23, 2014
4Chan Is Gonna Leak Emma Watson Nudes Because She Gave That Feminism Speech

 

Emma Watson gave some speech about feminism or whatever that a lot of people posted on Facebook, and apparently feminism includes dudes now. I guess they’re rebranding. They probably won’t take the “fem” part out though. Anyway, because she wants equal pay and rights for women and tack men on as an afterthought, because women want men to be a “real man” when it comes to child support and killing spiders while the rest is up for debate, a 4Chan user is now going to leak a bunch of her nudes to teach her a lesson or something I don’t know.

The thread that sparked this site has either been removed from /b/—4chan’s most notorious board—or already been lost in the sands of time (4chan threads self-destruct as new ones pop up). But some of the posts were preserved by Death and Taxes—here is a rather emblematic response:

she makes stupid feminist speeches at UN, and now her nudes will be online, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

The validity of the claim that Watson’s nudes will be leaked at a certain hour obviously remains in question until the images either materialize or not, but some posters in the original /b/ thread were maintaining that there will be a payoff: It is real and going to happen this weekend.

That feminist bitch Emma is going to show the world she is as much of a whore as any woman.

Let me preface this by saying “Emma Watson upskirt” has remained the highest search term on this site since it was posted, so obviously the demand is high. Whether the supply can match remains to be seen. Maybe she should get a third boob or something before they come out to be less attractive. Or she can get the face of the chick who said she got a third boob. Either or will work.

  Emma Watson gave some speech about feminism or whatever that a lot of people posted on Facebook, and apparently feminism includes dudes now. I guess they’re rebranding. They probably…

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