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Hey, you remember when your grandfather would sit you down on his knee and tell you about the utopia when women weren’t allowed to speak? Maybe we should revisit that. Us Magazine says:
Before she slipped back into a bikini for Saturday’s party at Las Vegas’ Wet Republic — the last time she was photographed in a two-piece was April 2010 — Heidi Montag spent some serious time in the gym. “I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape,” she told Us Weekly. “And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.” At her heaviest, the 5’2″ reality star claimed she weighed 130 pounds; she’s currently back down to 103. How did the Hills alum lose 27 pounds so quickly? “I’ve been running a lot, and I’ve been doing weights,” she said. “When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].” “My breasts, because they’re so big, really needed some time,” she explained. “So I’m just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that’s normal.”
Even if this were anywhere close to being true, please keep in mind that she worked out for 14 hours a day for two months so she could attend….a fucking pool party. Can we just shoot her? I mean, nobody has a problem with that, right? Or we can just put blinking lights on a shotgun and tell her the barrel has to go in her mouth and point toward her brain. Because it’s a magic barrel you see, Heidi. And when you pull the trigger, wait did I say trigger? I meant magic lever. And when you pull that magic lever, Heidi, the aliens who gave us this technology will make you the prettiest and smartest woman by the Wet Republic pool area. Just think of it, Heidi. The pool area!