Heidi Montag Says She Works Out 14 Hours A DayBy toddJune 20, 2011

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Hey, you remember when your grandfather would sit you down on his knee and tell you about the utopia when women weren’t allowed to speak? Maybe we should revisit that. Us Magazine says:

Before she slipped back into a bikini for Saturday’s party at Las Vegas’ Wet Republic — the last time she was photographed in a two-piece was April 2010 — Heidi Montag spent some serious time in the gym. “I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape,” she told Us Weekly. “And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.” At her heaviest, the 5’2″ reality star claimed she weighed 130 pounds; she’s currently back down to 103. How did the Hills alum lose 27 pounds so quickly? “I’ve been running a lot, and I’ve been doing weights,” she said. “When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].” “My breasts, because they’re so big, really needed some time,” she explained. “So I’m just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that’s normal.”

Even if this were anywhere close to being true, please keep in mind that she worked out for 14 hours a day for two months so she could attend….a fucking pool party. Can we just shoot her? I mean, nobody has a problem with that, right? Or we can just put blinking lights on a shotgun and tell her the barrel has to go in her mouth and point toward her brain. Because it’s a magic barrel you see, Heidi. And when you pull the trigger, wait did I say trigger? I meant magic lever. And when you pull that magic lever, Heidi, the aliens who gave us this technology will make you the prettiest and smartest woman by the Wet Republic pool area. Just think of it, Heidi. The pool area!

Hey, you remember when your grandfather would sit you down on his knee and tell you about the utopia when women weren’t allowed to speak? Maybe we should revisit that….

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Cee Lo Hates All Gays Now, TooBy toddJune 20, 2011

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It’s Black Men Hate Gays Month, so now The Voice judge, Cee Lo Green, is being called homophobic because he used a word that homosexuals co-opted from 1920’s movies. Wonderful. Us Magazine reports:

Cee Lo Green came under fire Friday for sending a tweet that some deemed to be homophobic. The “Forget You” singer sent the tweet to music editor Andrea Swensson after she negatively critiqued his Thursday performance with Rihanna at the Target Center in Minneapolis. “I respect your criticism, but be fair!” The Voice coach wrote Friday. “People enjoyed last night! I’m guessing you’re gay? And my masculinity offended you? Well f*** you!”

And, of course, he had to give an explanation because homosexuals have no sense of humor about themselves.

“She was very critical of me. At the time I didn’t even know what gender the person was. I was being a little outspoken that night, a little outrageous,” he tells Us. “I always expect people to assume that everything I do is part of my character and sense of humor. I assumed that whoever it was would assume it was all in good fun. It wasn’t taken so well, apparently.”

Oh, Jesus. Really? Are we really doing this right now? First off, he was talking to a woman. Secondly, we can expect GLAAD to form hit squads and build death camps for anybody who uses the word “gay” or jokes about how being gay is kinda gross to heterosexuals? And how soon will Nia Vardalos and Perez Hilton start comparing him to Idi Amin and demand in a sternly worded letter with lots of exclamation points that Green be sent to a remote island with an exploding collar to film his PSA? They’ll also demand that the exploding collar is bedazzled with rhinestones. Oh, snap! Work it guurrlll!

It’s Black Men Hate Gays Month, so now The Voice judge, Cee Lo Green, is being called homophobic because he used a word that homosexuals co-opted from 1920’s movies. Wonderful….

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Vanessa Minnillo Has A Shitty Bridal PartyBy jessJune 19, 2011
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Vanessa Minnillo is engaged to Nick Lachey, so you’d think she’d celebrate her last few nights of freedom a little more. Here she is at her bachelorette party, and I’m a little confused. She’s still famous? And where are the strippers? The dick straws? The paintball guns? (Is that one just me?) The Stoli? The shame? This doesn’t look like fun at all.

Vanessa Minnillo is engaged to Nick Lachey, so you’d think she’d celebrate her last few nights of freedom a little more. Here she is at her bachelorette party, and I’m…

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Lady Gargamel Has OuttakesBy jessJune 19, 2011

Lady Gaga was featured in Japanese Vogue, and someone named Araki (note: that’s what it says on the Polaroid shots–not “A man,” as one would assume) thought it’d be cool to take a picture of her nipples (nsfw). Here’s hoping you have a strong gag reflex or Mrs. Butterworth nearby.

Lady Gaga was featured in Japanese Vogue, and someone named Araki (note: that’s what it says on the Polaroid shots–not “A man,” as one would assume) thought it’d be cool…

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Vanessa Hudgens Is A StereotypeBy jessJune 17, 2011
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Vanessa Hudgens
isn’t known for her ability to carry a movie or a tune. She’s known for her tendency to strip down and get her picture taken. And since she’s part Asian, she’s also known for her ability to do laundry. She may actually be too dedicated to her craft, because it looks like she ironed her chest.

Vanessa Hudgens isn’t known for her ability to carry a movie or a tune. She’s known for her tendency to strip down and get her picture taken. And since she’s…

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Kirstie Alley Is DelusionalBy jessJune 17, 2011

Kirstie Alley lost about 90 pounds and now claims to be almost Megan Fox’s size. No, really. The NY Daily News reports:

The only thing more shocking than Kirstie Alley’s dramatic weight loss is that she claims to be almost the same size as none other than Megan Fox. “My goal dress has a waist that’s 22 inches,” she told Life & Style. “I tried it on, and I can almost zip it up.” The svelte Fox, well-known for an extremely thin body, told the magazine she does indeed have a “22-inch waist.” And yet in recent photos, the two actress don’t even look remotely the same size.

It goes without saying that without a Flux Capacitor, genetic engineering, and gastric bypass, Kirstie Alley will never be the same size as Megan Fox. In the meantime, (more…)

Kirstie Alley lost about 90 pounds and now claims to be almost Megan Fox’s size. No, really. The NY Daily News reports: The only thing more shocking than Kirstie Alley’s…

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Tracy Morgan Should Thank David TyreeBy toddJune 16, 2011

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Former New York Giants wide receiver, David Tyree, made one of the greatest clutch catches in the history of the NFL during Super Bowl XLII. I guess now we know why. He thought it was a gay marriage bill. He could not let it pass. TMZ reports:

During the interview, Tyree is asked about the push to legalize gay marriage in the United States — and says if it happens, “This will be the beginning of our country sliding toward … it’s a strong word, but anarchy.” To reinforce his point, Tyree says, “You can’t teach something that you don’t have … so two men will never be able to show a woman how to be a woman.” And the kicker, Tyree — who’s black — says, “How can marriage be marriage for thousands of years and now all the sudden because a minority, an influential minority, has a push or agenda … and totally reshapes something that was not founded in our country.”

He’s right because Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Iowa, and Connecticut are all under martial law because of the rioting in the streets. Maybe he should go preach there instead. Or maybe he should go back to smoking that half pound of weed he was arrested for 2004. Maybe he’ll get high and realize he’s black and has four kids out of wedlock at some point.

Former New York Giants wide receiver, David Tyree, made one of the greatest clutch catches in the history of the NFL during Super Bowl XLII. I guess now we know…

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