The Critics Choice Awards HappenedBy jessJanuary 15, 2011
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Another awards show that doesn’t matter happened, and people were there.

Mila Kunis was there and looked better and happier than that other chick in that ballerina movie with her. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have to pretend to enjoy sex with Macaulay Culkin anymore.

Oh yeah, Natalie Portman. She looks so thrilled and grateful to be there! I bet she’s just busy thinking about all the nominations she’ll get for her next movie. You know, the one with Ashton Kutcher.
I was going to make a cheap joke about Kim Kardashian‘s dress matching Todd’s skin, but sweet mother. What the Hell happened to her face? She went from looking like Princess Jasmine to something that Sigourney Weaver would kill in a movie.
I can’t figure out why Amber Rose was there considering she was only famous for having sex with a gay fish. She looks like she’s from another planet. A planet where they have vaginas in their armpits.
For someone whose job it is to emote, it looks really difficult for Nicole Kidman. Is it too much Botox? Marrying too many closeted gay men in rapid succession? Gas?
Eva Mendes showed up because she shows up to everything. Are critics still honoring her work in The Spirit and Hitch?

Mandy Moore used to be famous for being that popstar who wasn’t Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, or Jessica Simpson. Now she’s famous for voiceover work and apparently being a fucking Amazon.

Khloe Kardashian escaped Skull Island in time to make it, but had to fashion her own dress from her lunch on the way.

Keri Hilson has a song called “Pretty Girl Rock” in which she begs you, “Don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful!” I know, it’s hard. But from the neck up, don’t worry–I’m sure everyone really likes you.

Sofia Vergara was there because, well, look at her. She wins at everything forever.


Michelle Williams
was supporting Blue Valentine, in which she gets to have sex with Ryan Gosling. If I didn’t do my research I’d assume she was there for her lead role in The Kids Are All Right or a women’s prison film.

Another awards show that doesn’t matter happened, and people were there. Mila Kunis was there and looked better and happier than that other chick in that ballerina movie with her….

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Zsa Zsa Gabor Is Missing SomethingBy jessJanuary 15, 2011
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The original Paris Hilton, Zsa Zsa Gabor, had her leg amputated. E! Online says:

After being stricken with a barrage of recent health issues, the 93-year-old socialite checked in to the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center Friday morning to have a portion of her right leg removed.

I’m a little jealous. When I want to lose weight I have to lay off the Lays and do meth. This method seems a whole lot faster.

Here’s Kelly Brook walking around in LA, because guess what? She can!

The original Paris Hilton, Zsa Zsa Gabor, had her leg amputated. E! Online says: After being stricken with a barrage of recent health issues, the 93-year-old socialite checked in to…

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Scarlett Johansson Hates Sandra BullockBy toddJanuary 14, 2011

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My soul needs to believe this. National Enquirer reports:

“You’re a man-hungry tramp!” SCARLETT JOHANSSON exploded in rage when her pal SANDRA BULLOCK betrayed her by cozying up to estranged hubby RYAN REYNOLDS — before the ink on their divorce papers was even dry. The blonde beauty, 26, wanted her bitter words to get back to Sandra “because she still has intense feelings for Ryan and feels Sandra isn’t respecting that at all,” revealed a friend. Scarlett is having second thoughts about her recent split and has been holding out hope of reconciliation – -but now Sandy has captured Ryan’s attention and has even gone out on the town with him. “Sandra may be known as ‘America’s Sweetheart,’ but she’s NO sweetheart to Scarlett,” declared the friend.

Ok, here’s the deal. Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock, two former co-stars, ran into each other one night then talked and bonded over their recent divorces. That’s it. Nothing to see here. Scarlett tried to throw the pussy at Leonardo DiCaprio recently, so I really don’t think she’s sitting at home cutting out pictures of Sandra Bullock and taping them to her wall and drawing Xs over the eyes. But if Scarlett and Sandra really want to get in a fight, that’s cool. Oh, and can it involve pillows? And something double-sided? You have a pen? You writing this all down? C’mom, man. I gotta be somewhere.

My soul needs to believe this. National Enquirer reports: “You’re a man-hungry tramp!” SCARLETT JOHANSSON exploded in rage when her pal SANDRA BULLOCK betrayed her by cozying up to estranged…

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Lindsay Is Totally CuredBy toddJanuary 14, 2011

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In an open letter to Charlie Sheen yesterday, Michael Lohan told the actor that he can fight his addiction and “overcome it and control it like Lindsay has”. EXT. – THE VERY NEXT FUCKING NIGHT – LOS ANGELES:

Lindsay Lohan is spotted at Hal’s Bar on Abbot Kinney Blvd, CA

Man, I wonder what kind of establishment Hal’s Bar is? From the name, I’m guessing it hosts some kind of book club where Lindsay reads to blind orphans. That’s probably it.

In an open letter to Charlie Sheen yesterday, Michael Lohan told the actor that he can fight his addiction and “overcome it and control it like Lindsay has”. EXT. –…

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Lady Gaga Has A Leaked DemoBy toddJanuary 13, 2011


A :54 second clip of what is said to be a demo of a Lady Gaga song called “Animal” showed up online today, so if you like Lady Gaga, you’ll probably like this while you’re cutting yourself or getting beat up or whatever it is you people do. I tried to listen to it, then I realized what I was doing and threw my laptop in fireplace and hid behind my couch. It was scary. The beginning sounded like music I’d hear in a haunted house where a bunch of transvestites died.

A :54 second clip of what is said to be a demo of a Lady Gaga song called “Animal” showed up online today, so if you like Lady Gaga, you’ll…

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First Look Of Andrew Garfield As Spider-ManBy toddJanuary 13, 2011

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Hollywood is like your grandma with a new computer, constantly rebooting because it can’t possibly be her that doesn’t know what she’s doing. So, ask expected, they’re already starting a new Spider-Man franchise starring Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, and directed by a guy who shot a 3 Doors Down video. Ok, sure. Collider reports:

I don’t want to nitpick this one image to death when A) I don’t know the context of the scene; and B) it’s ultimately just a costume. It’s slightly stylized, but it still doesn’t deviate too far from the mesh-style of the costume from the first three films. I am curious to know why the Spider emblem’s leg reach all the way down to Peter Parker’s crotch, but I’m sure there’s a good reason for it. But now I’m curious to know what the mask looks like…

Man, Collider seems way too concerned about the costume. I’m more concerned about who Andrew Garfield is. Who is the dude? Were they filming and he just walked on set? Is he like that homeless dude with the golden voice? Is this the one where Spider-Man sings in front of a news reporter then gets hired by the Cavaliers then goes back to rehab because he was a lying drug addict the whole time? But not before my Facebook wall gets raped with links about Spider-Man and his “TOUCHING STORY!!” and “OMG I LOVE HIM! GOD IS GREAT!!”. I mean, if it is, I guess I can check out on Redbox or something.

Hollywood is like your grandma with a new computer, constantly rebooting because it can’t possibly be her that doesn’t know what she’s doing. So, ask expected, they’re already starting a…

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Michael Lohan Has Giant BallsBy toddJanuary 13, 2011

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Even though his daughter has been to rehab six times and has ingested more semen and blow than an Adam Lambert clone army, Michael Lohan has to decided to take his sanctimonious, judgmental talents to write an open letter to Charlie Sheen in a effort help the actor cure his addiction. Oh, and get his name in the news. Let’s don’t forget that. RadarOnline reports:

Charlie,

I have been wanting to speak to you for some time. I know that you and Emilio both know Lindsay, and while I can’t say the same about knowing you, I can say that I do know the path, the pain and what you your dad and the rest of your family have been going through. Both as an addict and a father, I have seen, felt and caused the pain. I have struggles just like the rest of us. People I admire, such as Jane Velez Mitchell (in her book Addict Nation) and Dr. Drew, shows so often on his show and interviews, we live with a disease. The problem between addiction and other diseases is the addiction is selfish, it’s a lie, and addiction takes other lives in so many ways. And while, there is NO CURE for addiction, where there is for other diseases, we can overcome it and control it like Lindsay has. BUT it’s up to you. Just look at the damage you’re causing Charlie. Not only to yourself, but to others. Look at your beautiful kids, Denise, Brooke and your family. I look at the same with Dina, my children and others. The network may be behind you and you may still have a job, but things like that WON’T last forever. God keeps knocking and giving you favor, but the chances will come to an end, and the leash will snap, and then you will be gone. Don’t do that. Like Lindsay, you are blessed with talent, ability and gifts to touch lives in such positive ways. Look in the mirror, HONESTLY. And say to yourself, “Is this who I am? Is this what I want? And most importantly, I this what God and my family want to see me as?” There are a lot of people there for you. And it doesn’t take a high end rehab to give you the help you need. I know that Dr Drew would be happy to help you. Like I said Charlie, we all have struggles; just as I do in so many ways. But the idea is to do something about it before it’s too late. As a matter of fact, these words of inspiration have inspired me. So thanks and I hope you can say the same. God Bless you, and may God protect you and the lives you touch.

Best,

Michael Lohan

Right, because if you want to take advice from anyone, it’s an ex-con in a mesh tank top with a Zune holster on his braided belt while his daughter is, at this exact moment, probably licking coke off the floor. With one of her high heels in her hand. And her panties around one ankle. And the blood…the blood. So much blood…oh, God. Oh, God! What happened here??!!

Even though his daughter has been to rehab six times and has ingested more semen and blow than an Adam Lambert clone army, Michael Lohan has to decided to take…

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Kate Hudson Is Pregnant AgainBy toddJanuary 12, 2011

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Kate Hudson’s ovaries paid tribute to, Matt Bellamy, the lead singer of the Radiohead tribute band, Muse. By allowing him not to pull out. Us Magazine reports:

A source confirms exclusively in the new Us Weekly, out Wednesday, that Kate Hudson, 31, is 14 weeks pregnant with boyfriend Matthew Bellamy’s baby. “It was not planned, but they are excited and embracing it,” the source reveals to Us.

“It was not planned”? Do what now? I mean, I not a doctor, but isn’t there only one way to get pregnant? That’s why I always speak at high schools and talk to young girls about the benefits of anal sex. My simply worded and informative pamphlets clearly show that anal sex greatly decreases your risk of pregnancy while at the same time greatly increases your chances for flowers.

Kate Hudson and Thom Yor…uh, I mean Matt Bellamy:

Kate Hudson’s ovaries paid tribute to, Matt Bellamy, the lead singer of the Radiohead tribute band, Muse. By allowing him not to pull out. Us Magazine reports: A source confirms…

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Taylor Swift Will Die AloneBy jessJanuary 11, 2011
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Jennifer Aniston has encouraging words for Taylor Swift. The New York Daily News says:

Is Taylor Swift the Jennifer Aniston of her generation? An insider at Wednesday’s People’s Choice Awards tells us the notoriously unlucky-in-love Aniston, 41, approached Swift, 21, inside the Nokia Theatre to tell her to “hang in there” in the face of relentless press about her love life. We hear the two had not previously met, but Aniston “wanted Taylor to know everything will be okay.”

Other than getting dumped by John Mayer and not having much discernible talent between them, these two really don’t have that much in common. Jennifer Aniston is a stage five clinger and box office poison. Taylor Swift is a professional beard that will still go platinum if she makes an audio recording of herself dropping a deuce. If Jennifer Aniston really wanted to give her dating advice, she could start with, “Stop picking fruits with fruits.”

Jennifer Aniston has encouraging words for Taylor Swift. The New York Daily News says: Is Taylor Swift the Jennifer Aniston of her generation? An insider at Wednesday’s People’s Choice Awards…

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Jay-Z Is A StereotypeBy jessJanuary 11, 2011

TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned Jay-Z — along with his mother Gloria (above left) and sister Andrea — secretly invested in a buffalo wing joint in Brooklyn called Buffalo Boss.

It’s not just because wings are delicious — Jay’s first cousin Jamar White (above right) is one of the owners.

A black guy bought stock in chicken. Next you’re going to tell me that Asian men invest in Civics, Russian girls in poles, and white guys in roofies and twine. C’mon man, I wasn’t born yesterday.

TMZ reports: TMZ has learned Jay-Z — along with his mother Gloria (above left) and sister Andrea — secretly invested in a buffalo wing joint in Brooklyn called Buffalo Boss….

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