Miley Cyrus Is Naked For VBy toddAugust 29, 2014
Miley Cyrus Is Naked For V

 

To raise awareness for teen homelessness, Miley Cyrus is naked in the upcoming issue of V Magazine. No, sorry. That’s incorrect. She’s not naked for that reason. She’s naked for another reason. Unclear what that reason might be, because she’s unattractive.

 

Miley Cyrus V Magazine

  To raise awareness for teen homelessness, Miley Cyrus is naked in the upcoming issue of V Magazine. No, sorry. That’s incorrect. She’s not naked for that reason. She’s naked…

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Anastasia Ashley Is Here For YouBy toddAugust 29, 2014
Anastasia Ashley Is Here For You

 

I’ve subjected you to Roger Goodell and his tone deaf response to domestic violence long enough, so here’s Anastasia Ashley and her perfect self to help your struggle until I post some other stuff, because I care you, the reader. Keep in mind, this is the second consecutive  photo of Anastasia that I’ve posted where I don’t draw specific attention to her equally perfect ass. I don’t know. I feel like I’m growing as a person. Anyway, I hope your Friday goes well. I’m off to live out an imaginary scenario where Anastasia and I go to Panera Bread before we go pick up our first rescue kitten.

  I’ve subjected you to Roger Goodell and his tone deaf response to domestic violence long enough, so here’s Anastasia Ashley and her perfect self to help your struggle until…

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If You’re In The NFL, You Can Only Beat Your Wife Once Now, Maybe TwiceBy toddAugust 28, 2014
If You’re In The NFL, You Can Only Beat Your Wife Once Now, Maybe Twice

 

If you’re in the NFL and smoke weed twice, you get suspended for a year. If you’re in the NFL and  drag your wife out of an elevator by the neck after you knock her unconscious, you get suspended for two games. But that’s okay, because television journalists will let everybody know that maybe that bitch deserved it. Those sound like totally acceptable punishments for those crimes, correct? No? I didn’t think so either. So today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced new disciplinary measures for all NFL employees involved in domestic violence incidents.

In light of the situation involving Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice and subsequent outrage over his two-game suspension, the NFL has announced a much stronger policy for domestic violence and sexual assault. According to Jane McManus of ESPNNewYork.com, citing a letter sent to all 32 NFL owners, offenders will receive a six-game suspension for the first offense and lifetime banishment for the second offense.

With this law, you only get one chance to beat your wife, so make sure it’s for something really important, because if you do it again, you’ll be banished from the NFL for life. Wait, sorry. By “lifetime ban”, they mean “a year”.

In reality, it’s an indefinite ban with a minimum of one year for a second offense on domestic violence or sexual assault.

Whew. At least a year is better than nothing. They’ll have plenty of time to sit and think about what they did while they serve out their punishment. Wait, no they won’t.

NFL’s new domestic violence policy could be challenged via antitrust law: it impacts players’ employment and wasn’t collectively bargained.

So, what have we accomplished here? Nothing. Mostly nothing. Goodell got to send out a letter, because I guess he likes writing letters. I’ll give the NFL some credit for actually acknowledging the problem and not attempting to cover over it unlike some professions, and I hate I even have to point this out, but don’t hit women. Like, just don’t hit them. The only time you should hit a woman is if she just recently turned into a zombie or got possessed by the devil. Those are the only two reasons. If she happened to recently turn into a werewolf or vampire, check to make sure she’s just not on her period first, then if she’s not, run away. Run as fast as you can. Because hitting them then will be pointless and futile, because werewolves and vampires are strong.

 

Addendum:  In Vegas, you can hit a woman if, and only if, the price is agreed upon beforehand.

 

 

 

  If you’re in the NFL and smoke weed twice, you get suspended for a year. If you’re in the NFL and  drag your wife out of an elevator by…

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Ashley Benson Is WeirdBy toddJuly 23, 2013

Ashley Benson is ridiculously hot and has huge boobs, and I want to speak my truth to you all right now: those two things are very important to me. That you be ridculously hot and have huge boobs. Way down on that list is chicks who walk around on pavement in socks with the toes cut out. What's that about? Is she playing Britney Spears in a movie? I don't get it. I guess I have to go back to looking at her boobs again 🙁

Ashley Benson is ridiculously hot and has huge boobs, and I want to speak my truth to you all right now: those two things are very important to me. That…

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Amanda Bynes Started A Fire In A Driveway, Is On 5150 Hold NowBy toddJuly 23, 2013

Hey, what's Amanda Bynes been up to? Carrying around a gas can and starting fires in strangers' driveways, you say? Cool. TMZ reports:

Amanda Bynes is currently hospitalized on a 5150 hold … after starting a small fire in the driveway of some random person's house Monday night, TMZ has learned. Law enforcement sources tell us, the fire department responded to the home in Thousand Oaks, CA around 9 PM — near where Amanda was just accused of trespassing — after someone noticed the small blaze in the driveway. The sheriff's department was subsequently called when Amanda was found standing near the campfire. When sheriff's deputies arrived, they questioned Amanda about what she was doing, and why she was doing it — and based on her answers, they determined she needed to be hospitalized on a 5150 hold.

"Based on her answers"? The police obviously don't follow her on Twitter. Oh, and the house is owned by an elderly lady who who will now spend the rest of her life profiling white girls in wigs.

TMZ just spoke to the woman whose driveway Amanda built the fire on, and she tells us, she had no idea what was going on until cops knocked on her front door. She says cops asked her, "Do you know anyone by the name of Amanda Bynes, or why she would have some vendetta against you?" She said no … not surprising because the woman is elderly. Cops then described to her that there was a young lady in her driveway, who had lit a fire and was carrying a "little red gas tank." The homeowner says cops told her Amanda had burned part of her clothing.

This is probably just some misundertanding and hopefully they'll let Amanda go. Obviosuly the driveway is ugly and was trying to steal Drake and said something about her nose.

Hey, what's Amanda Bynes been up to? Carrying around a gas can and starting fires in strangers' driveways, you say? Cool. TMZ reports: Amanda Bynes is currently hospitalized on a…

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