Miley Cyrus Is Naked For VBy toddAugust 29, 2014
Miley Cyrus Is Naked For V

 

To raise awareness for teen homelessness, Miley Cyrus is naked in the upcoming issue of V Magazine. No, sorry. That’s incorrect. She’s not naked for that reason. She’s naked for another reason. Unclear what that reason might be, because she’s unattractive.

 

Miley Cyrus V Magazine

  To raise awareness for teen homelessness, Miley Cyrus is naked in the upcoming issue of V Magazine. No, sorry. That’s incorrect. She’s not naked for that reason. She’s naked…

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Anastasia Ashley Is Here For YouBy toddAugust 29, 2014
Anastasia Ashley Is Here For You

 

I’ve subjected you to Roger Goodell and his tone deaf response to domestic violence long enough, so here’s Anastasia Ashley and her perfect self to help your struggle until I post some other stuff, because I care you, the reader. Keep in mind, this is the second consecutive  photo of Anastasia that I’ve posted where I don’t draw specific attention to her equally perfect ass. I don’t know. I feel like I’m growing as a person. Anyway, I hope your Friday goes well. I’m off to live out an imaginary scenario where Anastasia and I go to Panera Bread before we go pick up our first rescue kitten.

  I’ve subjected you to Roger Goodell and his tone deaf response to domestic violence long enough, so here’s Anastasia Ashley and her perfect self to help your struggle until…

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If You’re In The NFL, You Can Only Beat Your Wife Once Now, Maybe TwiceBy toddAugust 28, 2014
If You’re In The NFL, You Can Only Beat Your Wife Once Now, Maybe Twice

 

If you’re in the NFL and smoke weed twice, you get suspended for a year. If you’re in the NFL and  drag your wife out of an elevator by the neck after you knock her unconscious, you get suspended for two games. But that’s okay, because television journalists will let everybody know that maybe that bitch deserved it. Those sound like totally acceptable punishments for those crimes, correct? No? I didn’t think so either. So today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced new disciplinary measures for all NFL employees involved in domestic violence incidents.

In light of the situation involving Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice and subsequent outrage over his two-game suspension, the NFL has announced a much stronger policy for domestic violence and sexual assault. According to Jane McManus of ESPNNewYork.com, citing a letter sent to all 32 NFL owners, offenders will receive a six-game suspension for the first offense and lifetime banishment for the second offense.

With this law, you only get one chance to beat your wife, so make sure it’s for something really important, because if you do it again, you’ll be banished from the NFL for life. Wait, sorry. By “lifetime ban”, they mean “a year”.

In reality, it’s an indefinite ban with a minimum of one year for a second offense on domestic violence or sexual assault.

Whew. At least a year is better than nothing. They’ll have plenty of time to sit and think about what they did while they serve out their punishment. Wait, no they won’t.

NFL’s new domestic violence policy could be challenged via antitrust law: it impacts players’ employment and wasn’t collectively bargained.

So, what have we accomplished here? Nothing. Mostly nothing. Goodell got to send out a letter, because I guess he likes writing letters. I’ll give the NFL some credit for actually acknowledging the problem and not attempting to cover over it unlike some professions, and I hate I even have to point this out, but don’t hit women. Like, just don’t hit them. The only time you should hit a woman is if she just recently turned into a zombie or got possessed by the devil. Those are the only two reasons. If she happened to recently turn into a werewolf or vampire, check to make sure she’s just not on her period first, then if she’s not, run away. Run as fast as you can. Because hitting them then will be pointless and futile, because werewolves and vampires are strong.

 

Addendum:  In Vegas, you can hit a woman if, and only if, the price is agreed upon beforehand.

 

 

 

  If you’re in the NFL and smoke weed twice, you get suspended for a year. If you’re in the NFL and  drag your wife out of an elevator by…

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Jennifer Garner Can’t Even With Ben Affleck’s Gambling ProblemBy toddJune 20, 2014
Jennifer Garner Can’t Even With Ben Affleck’s Gambling Problem


Ben Affleck got banned from a casino last month for counting cards or something. He's still gambling apparently.

Affleck, 41, has been seen spotted at Detroit-area casinos when he's off the clock filming as Batman for the upcoming Man of Steel sequel. But though tabloid rumors have buzzed that his gambling hobby is causing strain on his marriage to wife Jennifer Garner, a source close to the family says their relationship is solid. "She never understood his gambling obsession and she doesn't want him to be in the news [for it],” says the source in PEOPLE’s new issue. “[But] she's the most patient wife ever and is still very much in love with Ben."

Kinda weird to think that Aflleck is some kinda degenerate gambler, but he did what you should normally do when your wife/gf doesn't like something: he just threw a bunch of diamonds at the problem and Jennifer is cool now. But if Affleck needs me to talk to somebody in a casino, I can call some people. Lemme start a fire first and find a blanket I don't mind getting burned.

 

Ben Affleck got banned from a casino last month for counting cards or something. He's still gambling apparently. Affleck, 41, has been seen spotted at Detroit-area casinos when he's off…

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Hi, SelenaBy toddAugust 26, 2013

If you want to know who wore the best dress at the 2013 MTV VMAs last night, it was Selena Gomez. I really can't overstate that enough. I don't who the designer is, but I think it's from his Get Me Pregnant Collection.

If you want to know who wore the best dress at the 2013 MTV VMAs last night, it was Selena Gomez. I really can't overstate that enough. I don't who…

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