Karl Lagerfeld Is Captain ObviousBy jessFebruary 07, 2012

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Karl Lagerfeld says Adele is too fat. Us Weekly says:

Famed fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld knows the fashion industry like the inside of a Chanel suit, but when it comes to being diplomatic about a woman’s body shape, he could use a little help. “The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice,” the 78-year-old head designer and creative director for Chanel told Metro Paris on Monday about the “Someone Like You” songstress, 23.

I’m not here to talk about how “real women” have curves and how the “average” woman is a size 14 and Marilyn Monroe was too (because by today’s size standards, she wasn’t) or how we need to be nicer. Because a lot of “real women” are size 2s, and yeah, Adele is pretty big. But what exactly is she “too fat” for? She makes her living by singing about men leaving her, not by modeling bikinis or fitting on rollercoasters. If she loses enough weight, a man may stick around a little longer and drunk girls won’t have as many good songs to sing when they’re sad. If her having some extra slices of pie means we’ll be subjected to hearing a little less Rihanna and Katy Perry all the time, by all means, let a fucking girl live.

Karl Lagerfeld says Adele is too fat. Us Weekly says: Famed fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld knows the fashion industry like the inside of a Chanel suit, but when it comes…

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M.I.A. Is Really EdgyBy jessFebruary 06, 2012


M.I.A. proved how edgy she is at the Super Bowl yesterday, where she gave cameras the finger while reciting lyrics like “I don’t give a shit.” Is this what flat chested girls do to get attention instead of ripping their tops off? Because really, if anything says “rebel,” it’s lip syncing along with a 53-year-old woman. I hear she may try jay-walking next. Look at this badass!

M.I.A. proved how edgy she is at the Super Bowl yesterday, where she gave cameras the finger while reciting lyrics like “I don’t give a shit.” Is this what flat…

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Blake Lively Has Only Banged Four DudesBy toddFebruary 03, 2012

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Blake Lively was interviewed for the March 2012 issue of Elle where she wants everyone to know that she’s only slept with four dudes. She sends naked pics (NSFW), but she’s not a slut. C’mom, you guys. Stop being so judgmental.

“I’ve had four boyfriends in my whole life. I’ve never been with anyone that’s not a boyfriend. If I spend time with a man, it’s because there’s somebody that I know well who has been a friend for a while.“

Since 2007, Blake Lively has dated Penn Badgley, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Ryan Reynolds. That’s five years, she’s 24. Badgley is on a show called Gossip Girl so it’s possible we can rule him out. Reynolds probably has her bent over as I’m typing this (fuck that guy) and you know for damn sure that when she dies they’ll still be able to find DiCaprio’s DNA on her somewhere. So is she lying? Who knows. But what I do know (listen up high school/college dudes) is that if the conversation of a woman’s “number” comes up, she will only count the penises that were attached to somebody she once called “boyfriend”. Every other penis not in that category will be omitted. She won’t count the guy she took home from the bar that one time because her cat died and she needed to be cuddled. She won’t count any penis that she met during vacation. She won’t count the drummer she banged in his van after she went to his show. She won’t count the sales guy at her company she fucks during her lunch break. Understand? Awesome. Stay tuned for more IDLYITW PSAs. The more you know and shit.

Blake Lively was interviewed for the March 2012 issue of Elle where she wants everyone to know that she’s only slept with four dudes. She sends naked pics (NSFW), but…

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Blue Ivy Carter Has Six Nannies And A Sapphire-Encrusted BottleBy toddFebruary 03, 2012

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Other than sounding like a really good strand of weed and crying on a Jay-Z track, Blue Ivy Carter hasn’t really accomplished that much. Hopefully one day she can get kids to sell crack for her like her dad or take other people’s songs then pay them off to shut the hell up about it like her mom. But until then, she’s just an average kid. Oh, wait. inTouch Weekly reports:

Beyonce isn’t leaving anything to chance when it comes to the welfare of her firthborn child. According to a friend, the new mom has two nannies on call at all times, which makes for a total of six nannies for little Blue Ivy Carter. “Beyonce wanted to make sure that her daughter has the best of care,” a friend of the singer tells In Touch. “Her diaper is changed every hour.” And proud papa Jay-Z, 42, is also lavishing attention on the newborn – by way of bling. “Jay-Z bought her diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet,” reveals the friend. “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it.” A little over the top perhaps, but what can you expect from the couple who reportedly spent $1.3 million to bullet-proof the delivery room!

Six nannies and a bullet-proof delivery room? Is Blue Ivy one of the X-Men? Is some sort of bio-engineered human weapon for the government to fight the war on terror? No? Oh then she’s just a fucking baby? I see.

Other than sounding like a really good strand of weed and crying on a Jay-Z track, Blue Ivy Carter hasn’t really accomplished that much. Hopefully one day she can get…

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Christina Hendricks Does CosmoBy toddFebruary 02, 2012

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Christina Hendricks and her massive and secured with bungee cords tits are on the cover of the March issue of Cosmopolitan where inside we learn how she “chased her man and caught him”. I assume they mean that figuratively.

Christina Hendricks and her massive and secured with bungee cords tits are on the cover of the March issue of Cosmopolitan where inside we learn how she “chased her man…

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Kate Upton Says Good MorningBy jessFebruary 02, 2012

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Kate Upton is doing what she does best and posing in bikinis without speaking (or dancing). I know, I know, you see better looking girls at the food court every day. Fair enough, but then why aren’t you busy having sex with them instead of reading this?

Kate Upton is doing what she does best and posing in bikinis without speaking (or dancing). I know, I know, you see better looking girls at the food court every…

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Yes, There’s MoreBy toddJanuary 31, 2012

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It’s way too early to bullshit each other, so let’s just all agree that Candice Swanepoel has the perfect body. Because she does. Anybody who disagrees either likes penis or just time traveled here from medieval times. I mean they were living somewhere between the 5th and 15th century, not the dinner theater where you eat twenty yards away from horseshit and a pothead in a knight costume. Jesus Christ, what are you people expecting to see? A dragon? You’re in Myrtle Beach, asshole. It’s Black Bike Week outside, these aren’t real knights. Oh, just shut up and go smile for your framed group entrance photo and eat your $50 chicken leg. Nobody cares.

Note: Sorry. I have no idea where all that just came from. I have so much hate inside of me. So much hate.

It’s way too early to bullshit each other, so let’s just all agree that Candice Swanepoel has the perfect body. Because she does. Anybody who disagrees either likes penis or…

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Holly Peers Is InteractiveBy jessJanuary 31, 2012

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Holly Peers and Rhian Sugden did an interactive shoot for Nuts. I don’t know what that means, but I’m sick of reading about the SAG Awards, so enjoy. As far as I can tell, she won’t be eligible for one just yet anyway.

Holly Peers and Rhian Sugden did an interactive shoot for Nuts. I don’t know what that means, but I’m sick of reading about the SAG Awards, so enjoy. As far…

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