Katy Perry Is Very TalentedBy toddFebruary 23, 2011

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For some unexplained reason, Katy Perry is performing an acoustic version of Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'” during her California Dreams tour, and as wonderful as that sounds, nothing can prepare you for what happens at the 2:07 mark. A bedazzled recorder is presented to Katy and she plays the flute part in the song. Then at the 2:22 mark, she pulls it away from her face and the flute part can still be heard. Then her voice can be heard even when she doesn’t even have a microphone! As if through some kind of magic! What demonry is this?! Tell us your secrets Katy!!

For some unexplained reason, Katy Perry is performing an acoustic version of Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin’” during her California Dreams tour, and as wonderful as that sounds, nothing can prepare you…

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Gaylor Split Because Taylor Swift Was Too Young. Riiiiggghht.By toddJanuary 05, 2011

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I don’t know if Jake Gyllenhaal and his publicist pulled reasons out of hat to explain why he broke up with a hot, skinny, 21-year old blonde, but congratulations! They pulled the gayest one! Us Magazine reports:

Taylor Swift, 21, may be hard at work penning her next break-up ballad — sources confirm to UsMagazine.com that she and Jake Gyllenhaal, 30, have ended their brief romance. “Jake reached out to her and started all of this, but now he’s not acting as interested,” a source reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly (on stands Wednesday). The previously inseparable pair called it quits just before New Year’s Eve, then rang in 2011 separately. “He said he wasn’t feeling it anymore and was uncomfortable with all the attention they got,” says the insider of the just over two-month romance. “He also said he could feel the age difference. Taylor is really upset. We told her not to move so fast with this but she didn’t listen.” Explains a Gyllenhaal insider, “Jake cares about her, but [the publicity] was a lot for him. He wants to keep his private life private, and that’s hard to do dating Taylor.

He could feel the age difference, huh? Isn’t that the point of banging 21-year old chicks? To feel the age difference? I’m a man. If I wanted to fuck somebody my own age it would be in a land development deal, not on my couch with her knees pinned to her ears.

I don’t know if Jake Gyllenhaal and his publicist pulled reasons out of hat to explain why he broke up with a hot, skinny, 21-year old blonde, but congratulations! They…

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Lindsay Had No IdeaBy toddJanuary 05, 2011

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With billions of apartments in and surrounding L.A., Lindsay Lohan claims she had no idea that she moved within a 100 yards of the woman that she stalked for three years. Of course she didn’t. Because that would be mean she would have to accept responsibility for her actions and admit she’s a ticking time bomb of psychosis and need. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan is telling friends she had “no idea” her new badass beach house was right next door to ex-girlfriend Sam Ronson …but she’s ready to move out in order to “keep the peace.” Sources close to Lindsay tell us … Lohan was aware Sam lived somewhere in Venice, Ca — but she didn’t know how close her new pad was to Ronson’s home until family members saw the DJ pull in to the garage next door on Monday. Now — after Lindsay’s father went through all the trouble of moving her in — we’re told Lohan is considering moving out of the place after learning Sam was “pissed” at the situation. We’re told Lindsay doesn’t want to break the lease — which would cost her big bucks — but she also doesn’t want to “ruffle any feathers.”

Please. Why would Lindsay know that only a grappling hook and a glass door would separate her from the woman she’s obsessed with? Lindsay is a delicate, fragile flower and would never do anything sketchy then try to manipulate the situation after the fact to paint herself as the hapless victim. Lindsay’s right, she doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers. She actually wants to break in and make Samantha Ronson saw through her own arm if Samantha really wants to break free from the bonds of their love. Bonds of their love being actual handcuffs welded to a chain around the toilet.

With billions of apartments in and surrounding L.A., Lindsay Lohan claims she had no idea that she moved within a 100 yards of the woman that she stalked for three…

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Montel Williams Loves WeedBy toddJanuary 05, 2011

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Since marijuana is a gateway drug and anybody who uses it is a violent criminal who can’t possibly function in society, airport security in Milwaukee found a pipe on Montel Williams. He paid a fine and was released. This makes the second time Williams has been cited for carrying drug paraphernalia. (Breaking news: I like this guy). Radar Online reports:

Former talk show host Montel Williams was cited Tuesday for possession of drug paraphernalia in Wisconsin, RadarOnline.com has learned. The Milwaukee County sheriff’s office says the Transportation Security Administration found Williams had a pipe commonly used for marijuana as he passed through a security checkpoint at General Mitchell International Airport in Milwaukee. Williams, 54, has said he uses marijuana to relieve chronic pain caused by multiple sclerosis that was diagnosed in 1999. The sheriff’s office says Williams paid the $484 citation and was allowed to continue his trip.

Unlike most wars, when you capture your enemy, he can’t just cut you a check a be on his way. But apparently the war on drugs is different. That’s because marijuana should be legal and everyone knows it. Common sense and the government knows it, but if it were, Conservatives and religious nuts would try to rent a space shuttle to go kidnap Jesus so he’d come back sooner and rid the world of all the evil doers who just ordered a pizza. In the meantime, the government is content to make their money off it any way they can. Specifically, charging $484 for the right to carry a pipe on you. It all boils down t…wait, isn’t there supposed to be a joke in here somewhere? I’m typing but nothing’s happening. I thought this was supposed to be a comedy site? It is right? I mean, I thin….oh God…oh God what’s happening?!!

Since marijuana is a gateway drug and anybody who uses it is a violent criminal who can’t possibly function in society, airport security in Milwaukee found a pipe on Montel…
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It’s Everybody Else’s FaultBy toddAugust 13, 2010


Dina Lohan, the enabling cunt who should have her uterus ripped out, sat down for an interview with Today’s Matt Lauer, and proceeded to blame everyone and anyone for Lindsay’s problems. I bet you didn’t see that coming.

An argumentative Dina Lohan – placing the blame on the judge no longer on the case and staunchly defending the behavior of her daughter Lindsay Lohan – appeared on Friday’s Today show, declaring there was nothing wrong with her child. “I’m not condoning drinking and driving, but she’s still paying the price for what she did in 2007,” said an often-agitated Dina, 47, referring to Lindsay’s two DUI cases from three years ago. As for Lindsay, 24, today, “She’s changed,” says her mother. “She’s grown up considerably.” Repeatedly accusing Judge Marsha Revel of “going overboard” and “playing hardball” by ordering Lindsay to jail for 90 days (she served 13) and into rehab, Dina said that information will be coming out next week showing that the jurist had to remove herself from the case before she was about to be fired. Defending Lindsay, who was at the Cannes Film Festival when she was expected in court in Los Angeles for a progress review, Dina said, “She was in [jail] for just missing a couple of classes and was working at the time.” In addition, Dina noted, by Lindsay’s being behind bars, “She missed driving classes.” The actress also came into personal contact with murderers, said her mother, adding, “She made friends with them.” Pressed about her daughter’s problems, Dina said, “That’s all propaganda,” and called tabloid coverage of Lindsay “pre-orchestrated. You’re reading things that are not based on fact.” Unlike Julia Roberts and other stars, said Dina, Lindsay’s behavior is unfairly scrutinized. “Her life is magnified. Her life is under a microscope … Lindsay doesn’t realize a lot of people are watching her.” Asked if she’s been there for her daughter – after a visibly frustrated Lauer first suggested that Dina, ex-husband Michael Lohan and Lindsay’s friends “have done nothing to help Lindsay” – Dina said that part of a parent’s responsibility is to grant a child her freedom.

I would never condone violence against women in any way (unless you paid up front), but I could accidentally run over Dina Lohan with my truck and I would jump out and high-five people to make it seem I did it on purpose.

Dina Lohan, the enabling cunt who should have her uterus ripped out, sat down for an interview with Today’s Matt Lauer, and proceeded to blame everyone and anyone for Lindsay’s…

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Lindsay Will Be Released Early. Again.By toddAugust 13, 2010

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Lindsay Lohan was released from jail with the promise of being forced to serve 90 days in a rehab facility at UCLA Medical Center. I guess 90 is code for “45”.

Danette Meyers, the prosecutor in Lindsay’s case, told RadarOnline.com that Lindsay most likely will be free before spending her entire 90 day sentence in rehab at UCLA Medical Center. “My understanding from conversations with Shawn Chapman Holley is that Miss Lohan could be released early from the treatment facility,” Meyers told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “It is looking as if that is what the health care professionals are going to recommend. “How much earlier she could be released I’m unsure of at this point. “I will follow what the health care professional advise. That could involve follow up treatment for Miss Lohan, however, it is my understanding that it is looking like the health care professionals will be recommending that she be released earlier than the 90 days Judge Revel previously ordered.”

This is the time when I would go into the temple and start overturning tables and getting all righteous indignation on your ass, but damn this bitch needs to get out today. You hear me? Today. We’ve been writing about Fantasia and Justin Bieber. To reiterate, Fantasia and Justin Bieber. This can’t happen. Plus, I have a joke that compares the Trail of Tears to cocks I need to use, so if they could hurry things up, that would be fantastic.

Note: Just in case you were wondering, this crying baby next to me in Starbucks is about to get punched in the fontanelle. All they have is muffins, you asshole and your mother is comically unprepared to deal with you. Suck it up.

Lindsay in the August 2010 issue of Maxim:

Lindsay Lohan was released from jail with the promise of being forced to serve 90 days in a rehab facility at UCLA Medical Center. I guess 90 is code for…

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