Amy Winehouse Was Almost A Model ParentBy jessJuly 31, 2011

Amy Winehouse was thisclose to adopting a 10-year-old girl named Dannika Augustine from St. Lucia before she died. TMZ reports:

Dannika tells The Sunday Mirror, “Amy was already my mother. I would call her mum and she would call me her daughter. She took care of me and we had fun together. I loved her and she loved me … She was the most amazing person and I was looking forward to living with her here or in London. I cannot believe she is gone. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Dannika’s grandmother Marjorie says she spoke to Amy a few weeks ago and that Amy planned to return to St. Lucia next month. She told the paper, “Amy wanted to have a child so bad. If she had not died, there is no doubt she would be here in St Lucia completing the adoption process. There is no way she would have done what she did to herself if Dannika was with her.” Both of Dannika’s parents had signed off on the adoption.

I don’t know why this girl’s parents bothered doing paperwork at all. If you’re willing to relinquish your 10-year-old to a self-destructive drug addict, you could save yourself a lot of time and money and just toss her to a pack of wolverines. The meat you have to tie around her neck would be a lot cheaper and more accessible than the smack you’d have to hide in her pockets for Amy to pay her any mind.

Amy Winehouse was thisclose to adopting a 10-year-old girl named Dannika Augustine from St. Lucia before she died. TMZ reports: Dannika tells The Sunday Mirror, “Amy was already my mother….

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The Kardashians Like KakeBy jessJuly 30, 2011
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Kim Kardashian hosted and filmed a wedding cake tasting where only Khloe actually tasted any cake. I guess “urinal” flavor wasn’t on the menu.

Kim Kardashian hosted and filmed a wedding cake tasting where only Khloe actually tasted any cake. I guess “urinal” flavor wasn’t on the menu.

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Scarlett Johansson Supports The FrenchBy jessJuly 30, 2011

Newly single again Scarlett Johansson recently received an invite to a Marine Corps ball. Too bad it wasn’t in Haiti. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Scarlett Johansson is the latest Hollywood type to be invited to the Marine Corps Ball, this time to the Nov. 10 event in Albany, Ga. Perhaps rebounding from that whirlwind Sean Penn thing, or maybe even the Ryan Reynolds thing, Johansson declined. She cited a “prior commitment,” but the Ministry suspects something else was to blame: a high-concept video. Original inviter Sgt. Scott Moore, who asked Mila Kunis to his Nov. 18 event on a bet, stood in front of a camera in Afghanistan and simply asked. Cpl. Kelsey de Santis, who’s ball-bound with Justin Timberlake on Nov. 12, had a few burly fellow Marines as background, but essentially stood in front of a camera in Quantico, Va., and simply asked. Then things went south — quite literally, to video shoots in Texas and Georgia. Betty White declined the invitation of Sgt. Ray Lewis, whose video included various calisthenics and a costume change. Now “Avengers” actress Johansson says no to Sgt. Dustin L. Williams, whose video included various calisthenics and a picture of Johansson toasting with bubbly. White and Johansson both declined graciously — with the latter promising to send a case of Champagne to help Williams and his pals celebrate the Marine Corps’ birthday, and “Terminator” actress Linda Hamilton posting her own video offering to step into White’s party shoes.

(more…)

Newly single again Scarlett Johansson recently received an invite to a Marine Corps ball. Too bad it wasn’t in Haiti. The Los Angeles Times reports: Scarlett Johansson is the latest…

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Ashley Greene Is WonderfulBy toddJuly 29, 2011

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Ashley Greene went shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday, and I’d like to think if I happened to walk by and meet her, that I’d tell her that I was big fan and that I enjoy all of her movies. I haven’t even seen them. I’d tell her that Hollywood should recognize her as an actress not just a pretty face. Then she would twirl her hair and laugh and then we would talk about our common interests and find out we have a lot in common. We’d talk about our families and she’d lick her lips and I would gently stroke her arm as I mention in passing that I adopted a three-legged cat and saved him from a certain death. What? Oh, no. It’s something anybody would do. I’m no hero, Ashley. You know, then I’d throw her on the hood of her car and bang her. The end.

Ashley Greene went shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday, and I’d like to think if I happened to walk by and meet her, that I’d tell her that I was big…

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Lindsay Is Being Sued By Somebody Else NowBy toddJuly 28, 2011

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During Lindsay Lohan‘s house arrest, she paid her debt to society by partying and having a $1,100 custom stereo system installed in her Venice apartment. But since Lindsay is a thief and kleptomaniac drug addict and alcoholic who’s more cash poor than Haiti, the installer, Stephen Clark, installed the stereo then never heard from Lindsay again. TMZ has transcripts of their email correspondence. Man, look at that! Here it is!

Clark: Hi Lindsay! Well, I sent you two invoices and several BBMs and texts. I have never heard back from you. So I guess you just aren’t going to pay for my labor or your equipment. I am sorry, but I cannot let that much money go.”

Lindsay: “Sorry!!I will have it to you this wk! I’m changing business managers and such so I’m trying to handle it asap.”

*Clark waiting for “ASAP”* *crickets*

Clark: “You’re a RECOVERING addict who goes to the santa monica probation dept. Should I share this as well?” And Clark continued, “You’re a born druggie!”

I’m sure Lindsay’s excuse will hold up in court. Because every small claims court judges know that Lindsay’s business manager has a key around his neck to Lindsay’s vault, and if Lindsay tried to go to an ATM cyborg pumas are trained to kill her. And if Lindsay tries to write a check then she’ll be cursed by a gypsy. Then werewolves will kill her family. These werewolves can’t be bargained with. They can’t be reasoned with. They don’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear! And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until her family are dead! C’mon, everybody knows this.

Update: Hey! She paid! It took a while because the only ATM that would take her card is in Mordor.

During Lindsay Lohan‘s house arrest, she paid her debt to society by partying and having a $1,100 custom stereo system installed in her Venice apartment. But since Lindsay is a…

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W Magazine Is BoringBy toddJuly 28, 2011

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Content on bringing you boring photoshoots of actresses you may recognize from that one movie you saw that one time, Leelee Sobieski, Kat Dennings, and Christina Ricci posed in the August 2011 issue of W Magazine. This issue really isn’t that exciting except for when it will be on the news later because a hipster bought it and jacked off so hard he died.

Content on bringing you boring photoshoots of actresses you may recognize from that one movie you saw that one time, Leelee Sobieski, Kat Dennings, and Christina Ricci posed in the…

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Amy Winehouse Was Very TalentedBy toddJuly 28, 2011

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Because capitalizing on someone’s death is fun, photographer Terry Richardson released pictures of Amy Winehouse that he took in 2007 when she was just a junkie and not the beloved genius we all know and feign to love today. There’s a lot more, and you can see them here, but please keep in mind that none of the other pictures show Amy Winehouse pretending to fuck a chicken. So feel free to make fun of her if you want. She’s dead. She won’t mind.

Note: Seriously, what’s the criteria to become a dentist in England? Having your own hammer?

Because capitalizing on someone’s death is fun, photographer Terry Richardson released pictures of Amy Winehouse that he took in 2007 when she was just a junkie and not the beloved…

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Jasmine Waltz Washes Her Car Like ThisBy toddJuly 28, 2011

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Since she’s not famous enough, Jasmine Waltz called the paparazzi and told them to meet her at a car wash. Because she’d be in a bikini. And she’d be eating ice cream afterward. Some of you may know Jasmine Waltz from the time she punched Lindsay Lohan in the face at Lindsay’s own birthday party at Voyeur. Or some of you may know Jasmine Waltz for being the chick David Arquette was banging after he split from Courteney Cox. Which will cause many people who read that last sentence to say, “Fuck you, David Arquette.”

Since she’s not famous enough, Jasmine Waltz called the paparazzi and told them to meet her at a car wash. Because she’d be in a bikini. And she’d be eating…

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Kim Kardashian Has “Psoriasis”By toddJuly 26, 2011

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I guess vitiligo was already taken. Us Magazine reports:

During the episode, Kardashian was diagnosed with psoriasis, a skin disorder that occurs in the form of red, flaky patches on the body — and a pestering beauty problem that her mother, Kris, has suffered from since the age of 30. “People don’t understand the pressure on me to look perfect,” Karashian, 30, said during the episode. “When I gain a pound, it’s in the headlines. Imagine what the tabloids would do to me if they saw all these spots?”

Uh, pressure to be perfect? From who? Her professor? Her medical internship? Or is it just this bitch is a fame whore who is only still famous because she’s tricked people into thinking she’s a flawless beauty so to stay famous she has to say she has some sort of skin disease so she won’t be questioned the next time she has plastic surgery and denies it. Ooh!! She has red spots on her skin! Let’s burn her at the stake before the world spins off its axis and the President puts a moratorium on cameras because Kim Kardashian didn’t take a nice picture.

I guess vitiligo was already taken. Us Magazine reports: During the episode, Kardashian was diagnosed with psoriasis, a skin disorder that occurs in the form of red, flaky patches on…

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Alessandra Ambrosio Seems To Really Enjoy PilatesBy toddJuly 25, 2011

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Victoria’s Secret legend Alessandra Ambrosio was at a Santa Monica Pilates studio yesterday where she seemed to fully enjoy the body conditioning routine that helps to not only build flexibility, but also strength, endurance, and coordination in the legs, abdominals, arms and back. People who want to get in shape, but don’t want to go to a gym, should know that there are many alternatives out there so they shouldn’t feel discouraged or deal with the embarrassment of working out in front of others. There’s Pilates, yoga, cycling, swimming, and even walking! And that’s why I posted these pics, to show people that you don’t have to lift weig…haha, jk!! I posted these pics because she looks like she’s totally having sex, you guys!

Victoria’s Secret legend Alessandra Ambrosio was at a Santa Monica Pilates studio yesterday where she seemed to fully enjoy the body conditioning routine that helps to not only build flexibility,…

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