People Think Kanye West Is A Vampire Because Of This PictureBy toddMarch 27, 2014
People Think Kanye West Is A Vampire Because Of This Picture

 

You'd think most of Kanye West's days would be spent mostly staring at his own reflection, but as it turns out, he doesn't have one. This, of course, has caused people to claim he's a vampire. He lives beyond the grace of God, a wanderer in the outer darkness. He is "vampyr", "nosferatu". These creatures do not die like the bee after the first sting, but instead grow strong and become immortal once infected by another nosferatu. So, my friends we fight not one beast but legions that go on age after age after age, feeding on the blood of the living. We are dealing with forces beyond all human experience! Or, I don't know, something like that. Maybe they're not like how they are in movies.

  You'd think most of Kanye West's days would be spent mostly staring at his own reflection, but as it turns out, he doesn't have one. This, of course, has…

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Justin Timberlake Wanted To Bang Everything But ThisBy toddMarch 17, 2011

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Everyone knows by now that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up after four years because Timberlake wanted to take a Hollywood vagina tasting tour. But what you don’t know is that Justin Timberlake is some sort of infidelity ninja, his penis lying in wait ready to strike at a moment’s notice. Radar Online reports:

Star magazine claims that Justin had been “pursuing women behind Jessica’s back,” for a while and that he was spotted whispering with co-star Mila Kunis at a recent party. Justin reportedly “actively tried to pursue” Kunis last year, but she spurned his many advances. Mila and Justin filmed nude scenes together for Friends With Benefits in 2010, but despite his telling her that he and Jessica were secretly over, Mila didn’t take the bait. Knowing he still had a girlfriend, Mila didn’t accept his affections or advances. In addition, Timberlake was reportedly having “amazing sex” with Olivia Munn in October while they were filming together. According to other reports, Justin would often use a guy friend as his wingman and cover guy, having the buddy get a number from the girl and leave with her, while Justin would be the one who would eventually hook-up with her. As Justin’s fame is increasing with the attention he received from The Social Network, Jessica had tried being supportive, attending awards season parties with him, but the pair finally called it splits last week. And according to Us Weekly Timberlake was “miserable” with dating Biel for a couple of years and had been actively trying to end the relationship since January. “Justin thinks the breakup will be good because he can focus on his other ventures and just enjoy being single,” a source told the magazine. “You’d be surprised at how soon the love was lost on this one.

Don’t get me wrong, Jessica Biel’s ass could launch a thousand ships, but after four years sometimes you get tired of fucking a bitch. It happens. If you want unconditional love and someone to be happy every time you walk into a room, buy a dog. If you want to blow me in exchange for flowers and an 8:00 reservation at that restaurant you like, we can hang out until that gets boring.

Everyone knows by now that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up after four years because Timberlake wanted to take a Hollywood vagina tasting tour. But what you don’t know…

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Sara Jean Underwood Is In A CostumeBy toddMarch 17, 2011

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Sara Jean Underwood is the new whiter, blonder, implantier version of Olivia Munn on Attack Of The Show! now, so here she is dressed as some sort of superhero in an episode. I have no idea who she’s supposed to be. Or what her special powers are. To incapacitate her foes with raging hard ons? To allow the police to get there on time because the bank robbers had to stop to jack off? I don’t know. I’m just throwing out suggestions here.

Sara Jean Underwood is the new whiter, blonder, implantier version of Olivia Munn on Attack Of The Show! now, so here she is dressed as some sort of superhero in…

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Kate Middleton Wants To Spend $150K On Plastic SurgeryBy toddMarch 16, 2011

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Prince William‘s girlfriend is a high maintenance narcissist? Oh, heavens no. Why would you think that? Oh, wait. The Enquirer reports:

The soon-to-be princess – who’s marrying Prince William on April 29 – needs a head-to-toe makeover to ensure she looks her best for the future king of England, say experts. And the total body overhaul comes with a royal price tag – $150,000! “Kate knows she’s about to become the most photographed person in the world – and women will scrutinize every inch of her. She’s really dreading that,” an insider told The ENQUIRER. “She wants to project a modern, glamorous image, and she knows that it’s best to have cosmetic intervention before any aging, sagging, drooping or wrinkling can mar her figure.” The quest for perfection will come with a hefty price tag for the 29-year-old, whose parents are millionaire entrepreneurs. The insider estimates she would have to drop well over $150,000 for her initial “aesthetic adjustment” and for “periodic tune-ups.” Kate’s makeover plan includes a breast augmentation, a more full and shapely derriere, hip liposuction, lip fillers, Botox shots, delicate touch-ups around the eyes, a minor nose job and porcelain caps on her teeth, says the insider. “Now that she’s joining the royal family, Kat obviously has to be discreet about her body changes. She doesn’t wan to be embarrassingly photographed covered with bandages and with ugly black eyes from plastic surgery,” maintained the insider. “She needs to plan mini- surgeries that won’t be obvious to the public. “And for procedures where she will have to stay out of the public eye for a short while Kate has been looking for top surgeons in Switzerland.”

This is great and all, but can she throw her boyfriend a couple grand to do something about his hair? I can’t tell if he has male pattern baldness or if he’s on his last round of chemotherapy.

Prince William‘s girlfriend is a high maintenance narcissist? Oh, heavens no. Why would you think that? Oh, wait. The Enquirer reports: The soon-to-be princess – who’s marrying Prince William on…

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Hold Still, Ma’amBy toddMarch 16, 2011

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Jessica Biel was leaving the Cutting Room Club in L.A. the other night, and based on these pictures, I think she wants guys to know she’s single now. Or maybe she’s just getting into a car. I don’t know. My penis is sensing some sort of subtext.

Jessica Biel was leaving the Cutting Room Club in L.A. the other night, and based on these pictures, I think she wants guys to know she’s single now. Or maybe…

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