Here’s Diora Baird in the upcoming remake of Night Of The Demons, where she enjoys her Hollywood run as “Girl With Huge Tits” in that one thing and “Topless Chick” in that other one. And it’s all because of these (NSFW). I’m not saying her tits are perfect, but Jesus would have a hard time not prematurely ejaculating to these.
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Jersey Shore is about drunk idiots who go to bars and clubs to get drunker, so it wasn’t really surprising when Snooki got arrested for being a drunk bitch last month in Seaside Heights. I wonder if she was drunk when she thought of this.
Get ready for a war in Jersey — because TMZ has learned Snooki is launching a full-scale legal offensive over her messy arrest in Seaside Heights last month. Snooki’s lawyer is demanding that prosecutors turn over all of the evidence they plan to use against the “Jersey Shore” star in her disorderly conduct case … and that includes everything from witnesses to lab reports to photos and even video footage.
Ok, here’s the photos and the video is below, but lab reports? Are scientists involved? Wait, is she a Cro-Magnon that was unthawed then shaved? Did she escape her cage and try out for a reality show? Because that would make a lot of sense.
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There’s a story out today where Kim Kardashian overshares and says she’s completely hairless, but her sister Kourtney is in a bikini. So Kourtney wins. As you look at these, please remember that she just had a baby. She is and will always be the hot one. Especially now since Kim’s face looks like nonstick cookware. Can she even move her face? You could drop hot coals down her shirt and her facial expression would look like she rusted after she got caught in the rain chopping down a tree.
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Orlando police responded to a call outside a Star Wars convention this weekend, but not because a button on a nerd’s Darth Vader suit dialed 911 instead of his mom by mistake. TMZ reports:
Former “America’s Next Top Model” champ Adrianne Curry called police in Orlando this weekend … claiming an allegedly drunk man reached up her skirt and “molested” her outside of a Star Wars convention. Curry called police around 3:00 AM on Sunday to report the incident that allegedly went down in front of the hotel where the Star Wars expo was going down … but claims it took more than an hour before cops arrived on scene. According to the police report, obtained by TMZ, the officer who arrived at the hotel claims he “came in contact with the male as he lay in the bushes at the entrance to the hotel.” The officer claims he spoke to multiple witnesses — one of which said the suspect “attempted several times to fight several other people as they stood outside waiting to be picked up for the Star Wars convention.” The man was eventually arrested for disorderly intoxication. Curry later Tweeted, “cops are here..molesting pervert drunk in the back of their car…going to bed … i cannot believe last night happened….love starwars…but ready to leave.”
Yeah, so I’m not really sure what Adrianne Curry was expecting here. She’s a model at a Star Wars convention. A place where grown men dress up as make believe people from a non-existent universe then congregate together. The only time these dudes hear “drink specials” or “bottle service” is places where they sell game tokens and Mountain Dew Red. The last time they saw a hot girl is when she was hit with a fire spell on WoW. Adrianne Curry should just be glad that when she walked in they all didn’t change their name to Darth Multiple Miggs.
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Kelly Brook‘s much anticipated issue of Playboy is out now, and you’ve probably already clicked the banner pic (NSFW) to see her pictures so I’ll just take this time to say that the stripper at the bachelor party I went to on Friday might be able to get money for the college classes that she’s not enrolled in if she didn’t talk about her 1-year old son’s trip to the emergency room for being compacted. You know, just a suggestion.
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According to Tila, she took the stage at the Gathering of the Juggalos in Illinois — a concert featuring such acts as Insane Clown Posse and Kottonmouth Kings.
Tila gave TMZ a very detailed account of what happened, saying: “I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the sh*t out of the port-0-potty and threw sh*t and piss at me when I was onstage.” She went on to say: “These people were trying to kill me. So then after the last blow to my head with the firecracker they threw at me exploded, my bodygaurd and the other security grabbed me and ran as fast as they could to the shitty trailor. Since their security SUCKS, the 2 thousand people ran after us, trying to kill me. They almost got me so they finally reach the trailor, blood all over myself, cant stop bleeding, then all of a sudden, all 2 thousand people surround the trailor and busts the windows!!! Even the guys INSIDE with me were shaking! Their hands were shaking cuz they were so scared! So 3 guys inside the trailor had to grab a table and push it over the broken windows and grabbed all the chairs they could find so hold the people from outside back. It was scary as hell!”
A lot of people have denounced me as sexist, against my own sex mind you, so there really isn’t a whole lot I can say about this alleged incident without somebody accusing me of being pro violence on women. I won’t question why she was on stage at an ICP concert, and I certainly won’t make any remarks about how, even without being covered in human waste, she’s qualified by FEMA as hazardous material. I also won’t mention her brilliant diction, spelling, and grammar. Nope, even though it’s my job to be snarky, and even though I’m not even half serious, I won’t do it. I would just feel terrible if I offended anybody, most of all a no-talent reality show whore and a small group of the humorless.
George Clooney’s next movie is The American in which he plays an assassin hiding out in the Italian countryside. To promote the film, the director, former photographer Anton Corbijn, did a photoshoot for the September issue of W magazine with the cast on location. Included in that shoot is this picture of Clooney doing pull-ups without a shirt, and I think I can speak for most women when I say, “eh”. The man is undeniably handsome, but in a classic-Cary Grantish-looks great in a suit-kinda way, not an oh my god I wanna run my tongue along your eight pack kinda way. Let’s leave the shirtlessness to Matthew McConaughey, k Georgie boy?
Don’t worry baby, I still love you!
Dina Lohan, the enabling cunt who should have her uterus ripped out, sat down for an interview with Today’s Matt Lauer, and proceeded to blame everyone and anyone for Lindsay’s problems. I bet you didn’t see that coming.
An argumentative Dina Lohan – placing the blame on the judge no longer on the case and staunchly defending the behavior of her daughter Lindsay Lohan – appeared on Friday’s Today show, declaring there was nothing wrong with her child. “I’m not condoning drinking and driving, but she’s still paying the price for what she did in 2007,” said an often-agitated Dina, 47, referring to Lindsay’s two DUI cases from three years ago. As for Lindsay, 24, today, “She’s changed,” says her mother. “She’s grown up considerably.” Repeatedly accusing Judge Marsha Revel of “going overboard” and “playing hardball” by ordering Lindsay to jail for 90 days (she served 13) and into rehab, Dina said that information will be coming out next week showing that the jurist had to remove herself from the case before she was about to be fired. Defending Lindsay, who was at the Cannes Film Festival when she was expected in court in Los Angeles for a progress review, Dina said, “She was in [jail] for just missing a couple of classes and was working at the time.” In addition, Dina noted, by Lindsay’s being behind bars, “She missed driving classes.” The actress also came into personal contact with murderers, said her mother, adding, “She made friends with them.” Pressed about her daughter’s problems, Dina said, “That’s all propaganda,” and called tabloid coverage of Lindsay “pre-orchestrated. You’re reading things that are not based on fact.” Unlike Julia Roberts and other stars, said Dina, Lindsay’s behavior is unfairly scrutinized. “Her life is magnified. Her life is under a microscope … Lindsay doesn’t realize a lot of people are watching her.” Asked if she’s been there for her daughter – after a visibly frustrated Lauer first suggested that Dina, ex-husband Michael Lohan and Lindsay’s friends “have done nothing to help Lindsay” – Dina said that part of a parent’s responsibility is to grant a child her freedom.
I would never condone violence against women in any way (unless you paid up front), but I could accidentally run over Dina Lohan with my truck and I would jump out and high-five people to make it seem I did it on purpose.
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Lindsay Lohan was released from jail with the promise of being forced to serve 90 days in a rehab facility at UCLA Medical Center. I guess 90 is code for “45”.
Danette Meyers, the prosecutor in Lindsay’s case, told RadarOnline.com that Lindsay most likely will be free before spending her entire 90 day sentence in rehab at UCLA Medical Center. “My understanding from conversations with Shawn Chapman Holley is that Miss Lohan could be released early from the treatment facility,” Meyers told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “It is looking as if that is what the health care professionals are going to recommend. “How much earlier she could be released I’m unsure of at this point. “I will follow what the health care professional advise. That could involve follow up treatment for Miss Lohan, however, it is my understanding that it is looking like the health care professionals will be recommending that she be released earlier than the 90 days Judge Revel previously ordered.”
This is the time when I would go into the temple and start overturning tables and getting all righteous indignation on your ass, but damn this bitch needs to get out today. You hear me? Today. We’ve been writing about Fantasia and Justin Bieber. To reiterate, Fantasia and Justin Bieber. This can’t happen. Plus, I have a joke that compares the Trail of Tears to cocks I need to use, so if they could hurry things up, that would be fantastic.
Note: Just in case you were wondering, this crying baby next to me in Starbucks is about to get punched in the fontanelle. All they have is muffins, you asshole and your mother is comically unprepared to deal with you. Suck it up.
Lindsay in the August 2010 issue of Maxim: