Jon Gosselin Has A Sex Tape, Likes CocaineBy toddNovember 12, 2009

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I defended Jon Gosselin for a while, because his wife is an emasculating cunt who only cares about money and being famous, but I’ve realized that both of them should thrown into a volcano. This isn’t helping. National Enquirer reports:

Jon’s bodyguard Thomas Meinelt has been subpoenaed to testify in TLC’s lawsuit against Jon, and The ENQUIRER has learned Meinelt claims he saw Jon snort cocaine many times, and that he’s watched Jon’s secret sex tape! “Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape!” said Stephanie Santoro, Jon’s former flame and family nanny. “Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. “He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!”

Yeah, that’s what I want to see. A father of eight with hairplugs doing blow off some chick he met at a convenient store. I don’t know if he really met her at a convenient store, but Koreans are into that sort of thing, right?

Sofia Vergara because my image editing software is racist against Koreans:

I defended Jon Gosselin for a while, because his wife is an emasculating cunt who only cares about money and being famous, but I’ve realized that both of them should…

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Sweet Death Take Me NowBy toddNovember 12, 2009

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I would like to apologize for not posting yesterday but apparently I have either been bitten by a zombie or caught a hybrid government released strain of H1N1 designed to kill the Chinese. For the last 24 hours I’ve been coughing like I’m having an epileptic seizure and trying not to go towards the light like Carol Anne. I opened my email today with a lot of people asking me if I was dead, so fortunately (or unfortunately depending how you look at it) I’m still here. I’ll be making it up to you today. On the brightside, I’m pumped full of medicine, so I’m kinda high, so there’s no telling what you might see on here today. Hopefully tits.

I would like to apologize for not posting yesterday but apparently I have either been bitten by a zombie or caught a hybrid government released strain of H1N1 designed to…
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Nicolas Cage Is Great With MoneyBy toddNovember 10, 2009

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Nicolas Cage owes $6 million in back taxes and last month he sued his former money manager because Cage said he was led “down a path of financial ruin”. And by “down a path of financial ruin”, I mean Cage was spending like a black guy who just won the lottery. Us Magazine reports:

Bad financial advice or not, Cage, 45, lived a super-sized life. While most of his possessions are now for sale, already sold or in foreclosure, the star once owned a staggering — and bizarre — array of, well, stuff. Among Cage’s many, many expenditures — as tabulated by New York magazine — were the following: One jet and two yachts. In 2007, he outbid Leonardo DiCaprio for a dinosaur skull, shelling out $276,000 for the artifact. His homes included three castles — plus two islands in the Bahamas. Among his “dozen or so” mansions, one Bel Air home, purchased in 1998, features a billiard room with a 1955 Jaguar parked inside plus an array of “shrunken heads.” Out of his 50 cars, the most Cage ever shelled out was $495,000 on Lamborghini — used. (Its former owner was the shah of Iran.) Obsessed with superheroes (he was once set to star in a Superman sequel), he sold his comics collection in 1997 for $1.6 million. While portraying an alcoholic in Leaving Las Vegas (his Oscar-winning role) in 1995, he hired an “on set drinking-consultant-poet.”

Well of course it’s the money manager’s fault. How dare he try to stop Nicolas Cage from buying a dinosaur skull, three castles, and two private islands? People need that stuff. People said the island I bought to hunt homeless people on was frivolous and unnecessary, but I like to keep my overhead low. If they make it to safe zone within 24 hours, they get a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Oh man, those guys love that stuff!!

The insanely hot cougar, Monica Bellucci, is in an upcoming movie with Nic Cage, so here she is in GQ. You really weren’t expecting pics of Nicolas Cage were you?

Nicolas Cage owes $6 million in back taxes and last month he sued his former money manager because Cage said he was led “down a path of financial ruin”. And…

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Christian Serratos Is Confusing, NakedBy toddNovember 10, 2009
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I really hope you're not eating breakfast, but I was coughing up stuff that looked like snails yesterday, so sorry about the lack of posts (and jokes) yesterday. I'm feeling much better now, thanks for asking, and I promise to make it up to you. But not like how I made it up to your sister. The doctor said she won't need the walker soon, so that's good news. I don't know where I was going with that, but here's 19-year old Twilight star, Christian Serratos, in PETA's new "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaign. Really? They do make clothes not made out of fur now, right? I mean, this isn't 10,000 B.C and the wooly mammoth isn't the hottest trend for fall. I have an idea, wear something else. For example, the lady in Kohl's told me that the tie-dyed henley really brings out my eyes. Long story short, she blew me. True story!

 

I really hope you're not eating breakfast, but I was coughing up stuff that looked like snails yesterday, so sorry about the lack of posts (and jokes) yesterday. I'm feeling…

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Sophie Monk Is StylishBy toddNovember 09, 2009

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Paddington Bear Sophie Monk went shopping on Oxford Street in Sydney yesterday, and look Sophie, I appreciate the short skirt and the big tits, but it might not be a good idea to wear something that is gonna draw attention to your face. Specifically, a ridiculously oversized hat. I can’t even look at the banner picture for that long because you’re looking me directly in the eye. How dare you try to thwart my quest for the Golden Fleece?! Be gone!! The throne of Iolcos shall be mine!!

Note: Our kick ass sister horror site, Shock Till You Drop, has the trailer for her new lesbian demon movie. Oh, and Ryan, don’t you owe me something? *cough* Megan Fox *cough*

Paddington Bear Sophie Monk went shopping on Oxford Street in Sydney yesterday, and look Sophie, I appreciate the short skirt and the big tits, but it might not be a…

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