‘Black Panther’ Had A Seoul PremiereBy toddFebruary 06, 2018
‘Black Panther’ Had A Seoul Premiere

 

Black Panther drops in 10 days, and it’s set to break Marvel box-office records unless the people who it was made for don’t bootleg it and try to sell me a copy on the MARTA. So let’s not do that. In the meantime, they had a premiere in Seoul last night and Lupita Nyong’o looked like a black angel. It’s cool because Koreans have probably never seen a black person up close.

 

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#WCW Stormy DanielsBy toddJanuary 31, 2018
#WCW Stormy Daniels

 

I’m not saying Stormy Daniels looks like the type of chick who would have an affair with a rich man then accept $130,000 to not talk about it then go on a late night talk show and talk about it to another man who is using her for ratings, but you gotta respect the hustle.

 

 

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Matt Lauer Is A Sexual Deviant, Really SorryBy toddNovember 30, 2017
Matt Lauer Is A Sexual Deviant, Really Sorry

 

When we woke up yesterday, we found out that Matt Lauer had been fired by NBC for “inappropriate sexual behavior“. That was definitely one way to say it. Another way to say it, was what we found out when a Variety article dropped yesterday afternoon. We learned that Lauer liked to pull his dick out. We learned that Lauer liked sending random staffers dildos and telling them how he’d like to use it on them. We learned that Lauer had a button in his office that locked women inside. We learned that NBC was cool for it for a while because Today had great ratings. This morning, Matt Lauer is really sorry.

 

 

Here’s the full transcript if you haven’t pivoted to video yet:

“There are no words to express my sorrow and regret for the pain I have caused others by words and actions. To the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry. As I am writing this I realize the depth of the damage and disappoint I have left behind at home and at NBC. Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I regret that my shame is now shared by the people I cherish deeply,” the former Today anchor wrote. “Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I am committed to beginning that effort. It is now my full-time job.” Lauer, who was fired from NBC News after a swift internal investigation, added, “The last two days have forced me to take very hard look at my own troubling flaws. It’s been humbling. I am blessed to be surrounded by people I love. I thank them for their patience and grace.”

Basically, as it always goes with these apologies, he’s just sorry he got caught and is said he can’t hit his rape button and show young woman trying to do her job a dildo. But like, imagine having a rape button and thinking you’re cool and everyone in the office loves you. Wild.

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Here’s The Dude Who Deactivated Donald Trump’s Twitter For 11 MinutesBy toddNovember 30, 2017
Here’s The Dude Who Deactivated Donald Trump’s Twitter For 11 Minutes

 

Earlier this month, Donald Trump’s Twitter account was deactivated for 11 minutes and Twitter rejoiced. Like, people were legit happy about it. Not me, because Trump’s tweets are hilarious because I enjoy laughing into the void, and I don’t think I follow anybody on Twitter who constantly self-owns themselves daily. Anyway, it was learned his account was deactivated by a contractor on his last day on the job. His name is Bahtiyar Duysak and this is him (via TechCrunch):

Duysak, a twenty-something with Turkish roots who was born and raised in Germany, was working as a contractor for a fixed term for the last part of his stay in the U.S. under a work and study visa. In addition to his role at Twitter with Pro Unlimited, other assignments had included stints in monetization at Google and YouTube via another contractor, Vaco.

Duysak is back in Germany now, but after deactivated the most precious thing in the President of the United States’ life, he now just wants everybody to leave him alone and not kill him and his family.

“I want to continue an ordinary life. I don’t want to flee from the media,” he said. “I want to speak to my neighbors and friends. I had to delete hundreds of friends, so many pictures, because reporters are stalking me. I just want to continue an ordinary life.” “I didn’t do any crime or anything evil, but I feel like Pablo Escobar,” he said, “and slowly it’s getting really annoying.”

I’m really surprised “I didn’t do any crime or anything evil” isn’t Trump’s Twitter bio by now, because it sounds like something he’d say. But as far as Duysak goes, I’d probably stay in Germany for the rest of my life in a drone-free zone.

 

  Earlier this month, Donald Trump’s Twitter account was deactivated for 11 minutes and Twitter rejoiced. Like, people were legit happy about it. Not me, because Trump’s tweets are hilarious…

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Izabel Goulart Did The Venice Film FestivalBy toddAugust 31, 2017
Izabel Goulart Did The Venice Film Festival

 

Full disclosure: when I saw the thumbnails this for these pics, I thought this was Eiza Gonzales and immediately started downloading them by reflex. These pictures are not Eiza Gonzales, they are pictures of Izabel Goulart. After typing those letters in sequence into Google, I found that she’s a Brazilian model who used to be a Victoria’s Secret model and she was also in Baywatch. That doesn’t seem like a Venice Film Festival type movie. I guess a dude whose family is really rich invited her. Shout out to him.

 

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Mark Hamill Is Old Man Skywalker NowBy toddAugust 31, 2017
Mark Hamill Is Old Man Skywalker Now

 

Mark Hamill shared a new picture of Star Wars: The Last Jedi‘s Luke Skywalker from a Hungarian magazine of all places, and oh man, it’s super dark! Everything you once loved has to be super dark and edgy now. Superman, Luke Skywalker, Twitter. Everything. Everything has to be dark and miserable. His lightsaber probably shoots out a Nietzsche ebook.

 

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Joel Osteen Said He Just Was Waiting To Be Asked To Shelter Hurricane Harvey VicitmsBy toddAugust 30, 2017
Joel Osteen Said He Just Was Waiting To Be Asked To Shelter Hurricane Harvey Vicitms

 

Joel Osteen, seen here waiting to yell at Smithers, appeared on Today to defend his decision to delay sheltering the Houston victims of Hurricane Harvey. Just turns out nobody asked him! Totally understand, bro.

“[The city] didn’t need us as shelter then,” Osteen said. “We coordinate with them all the time. If we needed to be a shelter, we certainly would’ve been a shelter right when they first asked.” He added, “We work very closely with the city. Four miles down the road, the city established its biggest shelter with rooms for thousands. With beds, kitchen supplies — everything they need. Security. … Once they filled up, never dreaming we’d have this many displaced people, they asked us to become a shelter. And we said, ‘Hey, we’d love to be a shelter. That’s what Lakewood is all about.’ ”

I appreciate how Joel Osteen just destroyed the entire concept of Libertarianism in a 5 minute video. Good work. I also appreciate how people on Twitter believe they made this happen. I assume people who give Osteen money every month are still gonna give him money every month, and if he surrounded Lakewood Church with the Lannister Army and killed displaced victims wandering in the parking lot, he’ll still need UPS truck to bring him all his checks. You guys keep fucking around on Twitter and Joel is gonna bring out his ice dragon.

 

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Taylor Swift Wants You To Know Why She’s Been Hiding Or WhateverBy toddAugust 30, 2017
Taylor Swift Wants You To Know Why She’s Been Hiding Or Whatever

 

It seems like only 6 months ago that Taylor Swift would call the paparazzi to take pictures of her walking out of her apartment in her OOTD or posting something on Instagram with a group of white women. A “source” tells People why we haven’t seen this lately and have been forced to live in darkness and existential dread awaiting the return of the savior of girls who are at Target right now.

Between a messy breakup with ex-boyfriend Calvin Harris, a subsequent high-profile fling with Tom Hiddleston and a very public feud with the Wests, “she felt like her personal life was spinning out of control,” a source close to the star, 27, tells PEOPLE exclusively. “It was draining her and she needed to disappear to reinvent herself. It was time to change things up and take another approach.”

Man, this source seems really concerned about Tay-

Taylor is very talented and wants the focus to be on her music,” says the source of the entertainer, who’s been quietly dating actor Joe Alwyn, 26, since late last fall. “She is a master at reinventing herself.”

Oh. The source is her PR team. Or somebody in her squad who just cashed a from Taylor Swift’s PR Team LLC. We probably should have expected that. I’m digging the CGI boobs in the video though. Good stuff.

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Sandra Bullock Donated $1M To Help The Hurricane Harvey ReliefBy toddAugust 30, 2017
Sandra Bullock Donated $1M To Help The Hurricane Harvey Relief

 

While most of us are content to sit back and wait for the likes to pour in after we use a natural disaster as the framing device for every smug political hot take imaginable, Sandra Bullock poured some money into the Hurricane Harvey problem.

“This is an incredible gift. We’re so thankful. It’s times like this when we do receive such an incredible amount of support. Especially during times of disaster, people see what’s happening in Texas and our hearts all go out to them,” Elizabeth Penniman, Vice President of Communications for American Red Cross national headquarters, tells PEOPLE. “Having someone like Sandra Bullock make this kind of commitment, it helps bring people together and open their hearts and be even more generous.”….“There are no politics in eight feet of water,” says the star. “There are human beings in eight feet of water.”

Yeah. I’m not gonna be that liberal asshole who tells people trying to tread water in their house how they should have voted (you learned the most important societal lesson of all, Sociology Professor Kenneth) , I’ll just like Joel Osteen memes and donate money then go about my day.

 

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Kathy Griffin Is Super EdgyBy toddMay 31, 2017
Kathy Griffin Is Super Edgy

 

While liberals dropped their vapes over a dog statue peeing on a girl statue and hate crimeterrorism because the guy was white, conservatives clutched their pearls and free healthcare for all accidentally fell out a because they were so shocked that Kathy Griffin and artist Tyler Shields went full ISIS video in mocking Donald Trump. Here’s her reasoning from her now deleted Instagram post. It didn’t go over well.

Here’s my artsy fartsy statement! I’m mocking the guy who mocks everybody. EVERYBODY (well, not the Russians so much) Anywhoo…If you could’ve seen us trying to fashion a Trump mask…haha We started playing around w props, etc, so I shall title this work “there was blood coming out of his eyes, blood coming out of his…WHEREVER.” OBVIOUSLY…I do not condone or encourage any of my fans / followers or ANYONE to cause harm to ANYONE. Verbally or otherwise. KG.

Trump or Obama or anyone, is it really a good idea to joke about killing the President? Is that something you really out here trying to to do? You too, Ted Nugent. Dumbass. In their defense, most of my fellow liberals called Kathy Griffin an idiot (shout out to Chelsea Clinton). I don’t know what Lena Dunham had to say, but I assume it was this.  Kathy Griffin was basking in her newfound relevance until the Secret Service was like, “oh”, then Kathy put on her worse wig to make an apology video.

 

 

Now there’s outrage over the outrage because there’s always something WORSE going on in the world. Specifically, the political narrative you were trying to push before this pic dropped. You’re all pretty stupid.

 

It’s ok, boo.

 

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