Hayden Panettiere Is Dating The 227th Pick In The NFL DraftBy toddJune 09, 2011

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Jess put her dead, frozen vagina in the microwave yesterday to thaw away it’s sadness after she heard New York Jets’ quarterback Mark Sanchez wasn’t dating Hayden Panettiere. That’s because Hayden Panettiere is dating Scotty McKnight. A 7th round draft pick who hasn’t received his first game check. Us Magazine reports:

Just eights days after Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko announced the end of their two-year relationship, the 21-year-old Scream 4 actress stepped out in West Hollywood with a new man: New York Jets wide receiver Scotty McKnight. After sharing a meal at Mel’s Diner on May 20, McKnight, 23, lovingly rubbed the actress’ shoulders; the new couple also spent Memorial Day together in Laguna Hills, Calif. with mutual pal Mark Sanchez. “I’m a huge Jets fan and became very good friends with Mark and his buddies,” Panettiere told Us Weekly in NYC June 2. “I’ve always been that girl who has a lot of dude friends. I’m into sports so we have a lot in common.

I hope she’s into psychosis and writing letters threatening to torture and kill an entire family also because that will give them something else in common. New York Post reports:

McKnight, a former Colorado receiver and boyhood friend of Mark Sanchez, nearly got himself expelled during his senior year of high school in 2005 for penning some threatening words directed at his Tesoro (Calif.) High School English teacher in a journal that was supposed to be private, but became public. One of the entries McKnight and Tesoro teammate Sam Smith wrote referred to gluing the teacher naked to a wall, cutting off her feet and killing her family while she watches, according to court documents. “I am planning on coming in your room late one night while you’re still working,” read one partial entry. “I will smother you in gasoline and light your head on fire … “

So basically, if you’re tall and have rage consuming you from within, Hayden Panettiere will blow you. “Is that so? Tell her to Facebook me,” Megatron was quoted as saying.

Jess put her dead, frozen vagina in the microwave yesterday to thaw away it’s sadness after she heard New York Jets’ quarterback Mark Sanchez wasn’t dating Hayden Panettiere. That’s because…

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This Is Jessica Simpson. At Yale.By toddJune 08, 2011

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Like most gold diggers before him, Eric Johnson knows that you don’t necessarily have to graduate from Yale to separate a functioning retard with problems with alcoholism and cholesterol from their money. But Eric Johnson did any way. So, on Friday, he walked hand in hand with his economics thesis around the campus of Yale. I wish I could be mean here, but Jessica Simpson looks really happy here. I mean, she should. Because I assume Yale has a great cafeteria.

Like most gold diggers before him, Eric Johnson knows that you don’t necessarily have to graduate from Yale to separate a functioning retard with problems with alcoholism and cholesterol from…

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This Is SingleBy jessJune 08, 2011

Are you turned on yet? It’s okay, we’ll wait. From Us Weekly:

After nearly eight months together, Jersey Shore’s Snooki and beau Jionni LaValle have parted ways, a source confirms to Us Weekly.

“They broke up,” the insider says. LaValle, 23, recently visited Snooki, 22 (real name: Nicole Polizzi) in Italy, where she and her Jersey Shore cast are currently shooting season 4 of their MTV smash. But the dolce vita holiday didn’t work out. “[He] came home early,” the insider says.

The duo first stepped out together at NYC’s Butter in September of last year– and got serious in October, with LaValle “bonding” ‘with the reality star’s dad. “She wasn’t sure about him at first and kept asking her friends what they thought of him,” another pal told Us at the time. “She was hesitant because he isn’t the typical gorilla.”

Adds the first source: “She was planning on buying a house … down the street from his parents.”

(more…)

Are you turned on yet? It’s okay, we’ll wait. From Us Weekly: After nearly eight months together, Jersey Shore’s Snooki and beau Jionni LaValle have parted ways, a source confirms…

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Jennifer Aniston Won An Award For Being HotBy toddJune 06, 2011

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As expected, Jennifer Aniston showed up to accept her Decade Of Hotness award at the Spike TV’s Guy’s Choice thing this weekend. Okay, for the sake of argument, let’s say she’s hot. Is there anything else we can say about her? Is she a great actress? Is she a charitable human being? Is she respectful of who she dates and fights to keep her private life private? Is she gracious and humble in interviews? No? Okay, then why in the fuck is famou…TODD ANGELINA JOLIE STOLE HER HUSBAND AND SOME GUY CHEATED ON ME TOO SO JENNIFER ANISTON IS JUST LIKE ME SO THAT MEANS ANISTON IS A WONDERFUL PERSON AND ANGELINA IS PURE EVIL AND ANISTON WAS AN INNOCENT VICTIM SO I WILL KEEP HER FAMOUS BECAUSE I KNOW SHE DOESN’T USE WHAT HAPPENED SIX YEARS AGO TO HER ADVANTAGE AND PLAY ON THE PUBLIC’S SYMPATHY TO CONTINUE TO BE CAST IN MOVIES. AND HER DOG DIED AND I HAVE A DOG TOO SO SHE LOVES ANIMALS LIKE ME THAT’S WHY WE ARE SO MUCH A LIKE. Oh, okay. I get it now. Sorry about that.

As expected, Jennifer Aniston showed up to accept her Decade Of Hotness award at the Spike TV’s Guy’s Choice thing this weekend. Okay, for the sake of argument, let’s say…

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Justin Timberlake And Mila Kunis Are So Shocking!By toddJune 06, 2011

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He grabbed her boobs! She grabbed his junk! Like OMG YOU GUYS!!! Us Magazine reports:

At Sunday’s MTV Movie Awards, Justin Timberlake had a hands-on moment with his Friends With Benefits costar, Mila Kunis, when they presented the night’s first award for Best Male Performance. “Even though we’re in the movie Friends With Benefits, we’ve never dated,” Timberlake, 30, told the audience. Added Kunis: “We’re like brother and sister.” “[We have a] totally platonic relationship, which is why I can do this,” he said as he grabbed her boobs. In return, Kunis, 27, cupped his genitals. Presenting the award to Twilight’s Robert Pattinson, Timberlake couldn’t resist making one more joke after Kunis uttered the famous “and the winner is…” phrase. “I think we just found out,” Timberlake said with a chuckle. “What a shameless reference to my penis!”

I was going to live tweet the MTV Movie Awards then I realized I wasn’t 13 and the Heat/Mavericks game was on, so I guessed I missed this scripted and rehearsed moment between Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. So, they’re like brother and sister so they fondle each other? Are we supposed to know what that means? Was this some sort of demonstration to raise awareness for the tornado victims in Alabama? I don’t get it.

He grabbed her boobs! She grabbed his junk! Like OMG YOU GUYS!!! Us Magazine reports: At Sunday’s MTV Movie Awards, Justin Timberlake had a hands-on moment with his Friends With…

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Oh, Hey There DumbassBy toddJune 30, 2009

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I realize this has absolutely nothing to do with celebrities or me, so I probably really shouldn’t be posting this, but I’d really like you to meet Jeremy Lloyd Martin – the dumbest fucking dude on Earth. Splash News says:

Meet the man accused of being so upset at how McDonald’s handled his order he called 911 – and ended up being arrested himself. Jeremy Lloyd Martin, 23, is said to have flipped out when he was only handed a single burger and fries and told to pull away from the fast food restaurant in Clackamas, Oregon. He is accused of calling 911 and being told: “Sir, this is not a police matter.” He then allegedly called back to demand officers were sent over. “This is a 911 emergency,” the caller said. “I got robbed for eight dollars.” “Sir, 911 is life-and-death only,” the dispatcher said. “If you do continue calling 911 you will be arrested for misuse.” The furious caller then said: “Well, arrest me. Send a cop right now. I swear to God all my life…” Martin was arrested at the scene. He later stood by his actions in a radio interview. “I was very upset that they tried to charge me for food I had already paid for,” he said. “For me to end up going to jail over a $10 order, that’s just ridiculous”.

I’ve sat here, I’ve tried, but I can’t for the life of me think of a reason why I would call 911 because Consuela or some recovering meth addict with the fresh tat on her neck got my order wrong at a drive thru. You know how not to get your order wrong at a drive thru? Don’t go to a fucking drive thru. In case you didn’t know, McDonald’s isn’t exactly SAS or Google. You’re lucky the person behind the window isn’t beating the cash register with a brontosaurus bone or being amazed by fire. In hindsight, I’m pretty sure this dude will realize he’s an idiot. Just like the San Diego State Alpha Phi’s did after they called 911 because I was too sexy. Hey, ladies, no need to be like that. We got all night, baby.

Since this post is completely random, let’s keep the party going with yet even more randomness – Sofia Vergara’s damn near perfect body on a yacht. You’re welcome:

I realize this has absolutely nothing to do with celebrities or me, so I probably really shouldn’t be posting this, but I’d really like you to meet Jeremy Lloyd Martin…
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