Cardi B Is PregnantBy toddApril 09, 2018
Cardi B Is Pregnant

 

Hey, that one dude from Migos got Cardi B pregnant, and for some reason they both seem excited about it. Apparently there’s been rumors for a while, but she decided to confirm those rumors on the most recent SNL. Why did she keep it a secret? If you can decipher this, you’ll have your answer.

 

I guess I’m not one of those people who is supposed to understand why Cardi B is famous. She’s basically Woah Vicky and Bhad Bhabie, but she’s not white so people think this is great. Unlike Bruno Mars, who is somehow being accused of cultural appropriation. Must be his male privilege. This is basically her target audience:

 

 

So congrats to Cardi B and her pregnancy. Oh, and congrats on her new album which will give white girls, who don’t understand irony, Instagram captions for the duration of the summer.

 

  Hey, that one dude from Migos got Cardi B pregnant, and for some reason they both seem excited about it. Apparently there’s been rumors for a while, but she decided…

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The Rock Is Really Running For PresidentBy toddApril 05, 2018
The Rock Is Really Running For President

 

When Republicans throw up a candidate who has no business of winning, Democrats pretty much abandon their base and attempt to copy that model in order to get a win since they don’t know how to do that. Like Conor Lamb, the former Marine, pro-gun, anti-abortion, “Democrat.” As long as a candidate had a (D) in front of their name, that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter if they vote with Republicans most of the time or not. Like Doug Jones, the dude who barely won against a child molester. Then when people thought Oprah was going to run, it was met with, “YASSS QUEEN,” even though the same people had spent two years saying a television personality with no political experience was unfit for office. Anyway, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is on the latest cover of Rolling Stone, so that means he was interviewed. They asked him about the rumor that he plans to run for President. He made a good point.

“I think in a lot of people’s minds, what Trump has proved is that anybody can run for president,” Johnson says. “And in a lot of people’s minds, what he’s also proved is that not everybody should run for president. What I’m sensing now is that we have to pivot back to people who have a deep-rooted knowledge of American history and politics and experience in policy and how laws get made. I think that pivot has to happen.”

Pretty much. The problem with America’s belief that anybody has the chance to be President means that anybody has the chance to be President. That sounds great and all until a corporate spokesman or board member of Goldman Sachs running. Or, you know, Trump. The Rock then basically said he plans to Run for President at some point.

“Republicans, Democrats, independents, mayors, strategists, you name it. Just soaking in and listening. Trying to learn as much as I possibly can. I entertain the thought, and thank you, I’m so flattered by it. But I feel like the best thing I can do now is, give me years. Let me go to work and learn.”

Great. Obviously I wouldn’t tell The Rock why him running would be a horrible idea because I prefer my spine inside my body, so if you’re reading this, Dwayne, may I call you Dwayne? Please don’t do it. I mean, I guess do it if you make Air Force One a helicopter to stay more on brand. But, if he decides to run, he might hit a snag.

“At the time, I just felt like it was either vote for the [candidate] I thought would make a better president than the other, even though I would rather have someone else, or not vote at all. I wrestled back and forth with it. We were on the set of Jumanji in Hawaii, and it really was like calling on the gods. Give me the answer. Ultimately, it was [to not vote].”

He didn’t vote for Hillary? Well, shit. Apparently he’s a sexist. And obviously he’s racist despite being black and Samoan, according to what white woman blue checkmark and Hillary stans tell us because they refuse to believe she generally sucks. So, good luck to you, The Rock. I hope you win, because nothing really matters anyway.

 

 

  When Republicans throw up a candidate who has no business of winning, Democrats pretty much abandon their base and attempt to copy that model in order to get a…

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Fergie Is Sorry For Her National AnthemBy toddFebruary 20, 2018
Fergie Is Sorry For Her National Anthem

 

If told me that in 2018 a person who didn’t work in the White House would bring shame and embarrassment to America, I wouldn’t have believed you. Now that we know it was Fergie, it kinda makes sense in retrospect. Anyway, her National Anthem performance was so bad, she had to release a statement to TMZ.

 “I’ve always been honored and proud to perform the national anthem and last night I wanted to try something special for the NBA. I’m a risk taker artistically, but clearly this rendition didn’t strike the intended tone. I love this country and honestly tried my best.

Like, did you though? If this was your best, maybe decline the offer and let a cat being strangled give it a shot.

 

  If told me that in 2018 a person who didn’t work in the White House would bring shame and embarrassment to America, I wouldn’t have believed you. Now that…

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Jennifer Lawrence Did The ‘Red Sparrow’ PhotocallBy toddFebruary 20, 2018
Jennifer Lawrence Did The ‘Red Sparrow’ Photocall

 

According to Mueller, we’re pretty much all Russian bots now because we mostly get our news from memes, so I’m not sure if a movie glamorizing the effectiveness of a Russian spy is what Hollywood needs to be sending out into the world right now, but here we are. Jennifer Lawrence attended the Red Sparrow photocall with her boobs out to distract us from the fact that she’s a Russian spy in the movie. She really has a career in politics.

 

  According to Mueller, we’re pretty much all Russian bots now because we mostly get our news from memes, so I’m not sure if a movie glamorizing the effectiveness of…

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Hello, Christina AguileraBy toddFebruary 20, 2018
Hello, Christina Aguilera

 

It’s easy to forget to how hot Christina Aguilera was before the Latin genes and having a bunch of kids caught up to her, but she wants to remind you in Instagram with a few pics in black and white that she took in very low lighting with several filters. You know, much like your Instagram pics. The rack still looks great and what an amazing bathtub. Very decadent.

 

A post shared by Christina Aguilera (@xtina) on

  It’s easy to forget to how hot Christina Aguilera was before the Latin genes and having a bunch of kids caught up to her, but she wants to remind…

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Chadwick Boseman Covers ‘Rolling Stone’By toddFebruary 19, 2018
Chadwick Boseman Covers ‘Rolling Stone’

 

Black Panther is making all the money right now and Disney has pledged to take 25% of the profits to help the black community. Haha jk, Disney is going to keep all of it because they are a soulless media conglomerate. Wakanda profits forever. But Chadwick Boseman and director Ryan Coogler are profiled (in a good way) in the latest issue of Rolling Stone, and that’s really great. You should also see the movie, because it’s also pretty great except the CGI.

 

  Black Panther is making all the money right now and Disney has pledged to take 25% of the profits to help the black community. Haha jk, Disney is going…

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Russia Hacked Fergie’s VoiceBy toddFebruary 19, 2018
Russia Hacked Fergie’s Voice

 

Man, what a wild Black History Month it’s been so far.  The 2018 NBA All-Star Game was last night and Fergie paid tribute to famous black singer Jessica Rabbit with her stunning rendition of the National Anthem. After performing, Fergie immediately fled the country and is now seeking asylum at the Embassy of Ecuador in London. My sources haven’t confirmed this yet, but she probably also deleted her Twitter.

 

  Man, what a wild Black History Month it’s been so far.  The 2018 NBA All-Star Game was last night and Fergie paid tribute to famous black singer Jessica Rabbit…

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Jennifer Lawrence Did The ‘Red Sparrow’ PremiereBy toddFebruary 16, 2018
Jennifer Lawrence Did The ‘Red Sparrow’ Premiere

 

Jennifer Lawrence basically plays John Wick in Red Sparrow, but since it’s a woman John Wick, Hollywood had to make her a prostitute instead of just a woman John Wick. Oh, I’m sorry. They made her a “seductive Russian spy.” Not the same thing. My apologies. I remember in Taken when Liam Neeson had to put on a low cut dress and give one of those guys a handjob to find out where his daughter was. Pretty intense scene. Also, lol at Jennifer Lawrence’s Russian accent.

 

 

  Jennifer Lawrence basically plays John Wick in Red Sparrow, but since it’s a woman John Wick, Hollywood had to make her a prostitute instead of just a woman John…

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Bella Thorne Has A Music VideoBy toddFebruary 16, 2018
Bella Thorne Has A Music Video

 

Bella Thorne is in a new movie called, Midnight Sun, and she sings a song off the soundtrack called, “Burn So Bright.” Get it? Do you get it? As expected, the song is super generic and boring, but at least she looks like she took a shower for the video shoot. That’s a plus. Good for her for practicing contractually obligated self-care.

 

  Bella Thorne is in a new movie called, Midnight Sun, and she sings a song off the soundtrack called, “Burn So Bright.” Get it? Do you get it? As…

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Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux Split UpBy toddFebruary 16, 2018
Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux Split Up

 

Still don’t understand why somebody would want to marry Jennifer Aniston, but Justin Theroux did in 2015 and I guess almost three years was enough.

“In an effort to reduce any further speculation, we have decided to announce our separation. This decision was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year. We are two best friends who have decided to part ways as a couple, but look forward to continuing our cherished friendship,” the couple said in a joint statement to E! News. “Normally we would do this privately, but given that the gossip industry cannot resist an opportunity to speculate and invent, we wanted to convey the truth directly. Whatever else is printed about us that is not directly from us, is someone else’s fictional narrative. Above all, we are determined to maintain the deep respect and love that we have for one another.”

I mean, it’s not like Jennifer Aniston’s career was prolonged ten years longer than it should have because of the gossip industry, but that’s not here nor there. But, of course,  now people are saying Brad Pitt and Aniston should get back together, but remember that Pitt is (reportedly) a violent alcoholic and Aniston is a narcissist who is a raging coke head (allegedly) according to everybody I know in LA. Brad would probably leave her ass on read anyway. Who knew Angelina Jolie would be the one with her shit together? Hit her up, Justin. Chelsea Handler is gonna blame you anyway, so might as well.

 

  Still don’t understand why somebody would want to marry Jennifer Aniston, but Justin Theroux did in 2015 and I guess almost three years was enough. “In an effort to…

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