Hollywood Is Remaking The Crow. With Bradley Cooper.By toddApril 13, 2011

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Christ, is nothing sacred? E! reports:

A source confirms to E! News that the Limitless star is in talks to star in a remake of the 1994 revenge thriller The Crow, based on a cult-favorite comic book series but sadly far more notable for the fact that 28-year-old star Brandon Lee was killed during filming. The story centers on a rock musician who is murdered along with his fiancée and, through supernatural forces, comes back to life to dispatch the evildoers in increasingly creative ways. Juan Carlos Fresnadillo (28 Weeks Later) is on board to direct. A critical and box-office hit that featured some fierce performances, the 1994 original would have been a gut-wrencher even without the back story: Lee died on The Crow’s North Carolina set in 1993 when a blank cartridge was fired in his direction and a piece of bullet somehow flew out along with it, hitting him in the abdomen. The fragment lodged in his spine and he died of his injuries at a nearby hospital. Director Alex Proyas had to rewrite various scenes that hadn’t been completed yet and had to ramp up the special effects to place Lee in the posthumously shot scenes.

Look, some roles are defined by the people who play them. Brandon Lee is and will always be Eric Draven. They can remake this 100 more times and nothing will be as good as the original. Nothing. Especially if they cast a tan, blonde dude who whips his hair and kills his enemies with a smolder. If Bradley Cooper wants me to take him seriously, he needs to get shot in the abdomen and die on the set. I’m pretty sure Hollywood can remake him.

“Stop me if you’ve heard this one”:

Christ, is nothing sacred? E! reports: A source confirms to E! News that the Limitless star is in talks to star in a remake of the 1994 revenge thriller The…

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Hayden Panettiere Talks About Having Sex With ThisBy toddApril 12, 2011

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On Ellen today, Hayden Panettiere discusses how she defies physics and laws of nature to have sex with what scientists believe is a Russian cyborg who was built in a lab…what? Surrounded by living tissue!! I…need to see h..most of the records were lost in the war. Skynet knew almost nothing about Panettiere. Her full name, where she lived. They just knew the city. Wladimir was just being systematic. I just need to sp..look! You have heard enough! I have answered your questions! Just tell m…then why am I talking to you? Who is in authority here?! Us Magazine reports:

During her Tuesday appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, the Scream 4 star opened up about the very personal question curious folks ask most–regarding her much taller Ukranian heavyweight boxer boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko. “He is quite a bit bigger than me,” the 5’1″ starlet, 21, said of her 6’6″ beau, 35. “I get the prudest people coming up to me and they’re like, ‘Does it work?’ Yeah, it works. We find a way,” the Heroes alum said. “Where there is a will, there is a way!” Panettiere quipped about sex with Klitschko. She began dating Klitschko after her February 2009 breakup with her 33-year-old Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia. “[The people who ask me how sex works with my boyfriend] are very conservative people most of the time but that just have to know,” she explained. “Like, ‘I have to know, I just have to ask you this question. I’m really sorry but…'”

Just looking at the banner picture, my vagina hurts and my cervix is in traction and I have neither of those things. Let’s just all assume that her vagina’s nickname is “Rihanna”.

On Ellen today, Hayden Panettiere discusses how she defies physics and laws of nature to have sex with what scientists believe is a Russian cyborg who was built in a…

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Samantha Ronson Just Got HotterBy toddApril 12, 2011

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If you didn’t think Samantha Ronson was a picture of striking femininity and beauty before, well hold on to your fucking hat! People reports:

It’s a scary picture: Samantha Ronson’s face banged up and her lip split after a bike accident on Saturday. The DJ, 33, posted the photo on Monday as a warning: “Wear a helmet kids!!!” “You should see what I looked like on Saturday,” she tells a Twitter follower. She adds with a smiley face emoticon: “Just a little uglier than usual. Other than that, Vicodin is handling the rest.”

Unless you have testicular cancer or named Debo, there’s no reason you should be in your 30s and riding a bicycle. Or a skateboard. Or rollerblades. Some guy named Ford, I don’t know if you heard of him, invented the car a while back. Ooh, look at you father of two doing tricks on your bike! Ooh, look at you surgeon saving the Earth by riding a 10-speed! Now watch me run you over because I thought your hand signals were because you were pointing and wanted me to look at something.

Dear Bicycle Enthusiasts Who Have Been Emailing Me,

Please stop wrapping yourself in the yellow jersey of “I RIDE A BIKE AND YOU PAY $4 FOR GAS HAHAHAHA!!”. You riding a bike in no way, I repeat, in no way, will magically solve the energy crisis or bring the price of oil down. Keep riding your bikes if you want to your glass blowing class or in a group activity with your commune to scout locations for your next friendship hut. I’ll drive. Mostly because I have shit to do and don’t have time to pedal through a meadow to get where I need to be. Time is of the essence in my life, I’m afraid. Also, yes, riding a bike is exercise. I think we all learned that before we had driver’s licenses. But, as it turns out, it’s not the only exercise you can do (i know, right?!). So calm down. Go make sure your bike lock is on tight, then go take a Xanax.

Love,
Todd

If you didn’t think Samantha Ronson was a picture of striking femininity and beauty before, well hold on to your fucking hat! People reports: It’s a scary picture: Samantha Ronson’s…

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Kaley Cuoco Does AllureBy toddApril 12, 2011

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Kaley Cuoco, who stars in that one show about nerds, is in the May issue of Allure. As far as I can remember, she’s never been on this site, but please keep in mind that she’s never posed naked in a magazine before. My journalistic standards are pretty high, you see.

Kaley Cuoco, who stars in that one show about nerds, is in the May issue of Allure. As far as I can remember, she’s never been on this site, but…

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Michael Shannon Is General ZodBy toddApril 11, 2011

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So remember when I said “might“? Yeah, it’s official now. Michael Shannon is the villain in Superman: Man Of Steel. THR reports:

Warners Bros. announced Sunday that Shannon, who received an Oscar nomination for best supporting actor for Revolutionary Road for his performance as a mentally-troubled man and who has also been seen as a stern federal agent in HBO’s Boardwalk Empire, has been cast as Superman’s nemesis. “Zod is not only one of Superman’s most formidable enemies, but one of the most significant because he has insights into Superman that others don’t. Michael is a powerful actor who can project both the intelligence and the malice of the character, making him perfect for the role,” Snyder said. Zod, like Superman, is from Krypton, where he commanded its armed forces. The character appeared in both 1978’s Superman and its 1980 sequel Superman II, where he was played by actor Terence Stamp.

Much like Gary Oldman, even when he’s not playing someone batshit crazy, you fully expect Michael Shannon to bite the head off a squirrel then cover himself in peanut butter mid-sentence at any point during one of his movies. So, basically what I’m saying is, I’m cool with this. Also, when this movie comes out, I can start going up to random chicks and saying, “Kneel before Todd!“. I can’t wait! I know all those women are gonna love it!

He’s not well:

He’s really not well:

So remember when I said “might“? Yeah, it’s official now. Michael Shannon is the villain in Superman: Man Of Steel. THR reports: Warners Bros. announced Sunday that Shannon, who received…

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Michael Lohan Tried To Break Into Lindsay’s HouseBy toddApril 11, 2011

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Sure, why not. TMZ reports:

Sources close to Lindsay Lohan tell TMZ… Lindsay hid in her apartment this afternoon, afraid of her father Michael Lohan, who was at the front door trying to break in. We’re told MiLo was also staring in the back windows of her Venice apartment, trying to spot Lindsay inside, and began banging on the windows. UPDATE 3:21 PM PT — We’re told Michael has finally left. According to our sources, the cops were not called.

I have no idea why this happened, and to be honest, I don’t give a shit. It’s the Lohans. It happened because it was Sunday? Who knows. Your guess is as good as mine. Everyone in this family is batshit. I could read a story that says Lindsay wears a camouflage hat because she believes people won’t be able to read her mind and I’d totally believe it.

Sure, why not. TMZ reports: Sources close to Lindsay Lohan tell TMZ… Lindsay hid in her apartment this afternoon, afraid of her father Michael Lohan, who was at the front…

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Rihanna Could Barely Open Her EyesBy toddFebruary 11, 2009

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This week is getting progressively worse for Chris Brown as TMZ has now confirmed that he didn’t just smack Rihanna around, he beat her so bad she may require plastic surgery. Yikes.

Cops took multiple pictures at the scene. Chris Brown allegedly hit Rihanna so hard with his fists, she could barely open her eyes for the photos — they were almost completely swollen shut. She had a fat lip, her mouth was swollen, her nose was badly bloodied, and she had contusions on her forehead and both sides of her face.

At this point, Rihanna should just join Al-Qaeda and get sent to Gitmo. There’s no way that could be any worse than dating Chris Brown.

Boobs:

This week is getting progressively worse for Chris Brown as TMZ has now confirmed that he didn’t just smack Rihanna around, he beat her so bad she may require plastic…

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Gemma Atkinson is NutsBy toddFebruary 11, 2009

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I’m not even kidding when I say I’ll do whatever a hot brunette with big tits tells me to do, so posting these pictures of Gemma Atkinson in this month’s Nuts Magazine is just an extension of that. Imagine if she had literally asked me to post these. I don’t know if anybody in California would be able to hear it or not, but that sonic boom would be me hitting “Publish”.

I’m not even kidding when I say I’ll do whatever a hot brunette with big tits tells me to do, so posting these pictures of Gemma Atkinson in this month’s…

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Inglourious Basterds Trailer Footage is OutBy toddFebruary 10, 2009

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The first footage of Quentin Tarantino’s long-awaited film, Inglourious Basterds, premiered on E.T. tonight. It shows Brad Pitt as Lieutenant Aldo Raine as he leads a group of rag tag Jewish-American soldiers on a quest of retribution against the Nazis. That sounds like a good plan, but why don’t they just get a time machine and show Hitler a picture Bar Refaeli? I have to imagine it would be pretty hard to plan world domination when you’re masturbating.

The first footage of Quentin Tarantino’s long-awaited film, Inglourious Basterds, premiered on E.T. tonight. It shows Brad Pitt as Lieutenant Aldo Raine as he leads a group of rag tag…

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Salma Hayek Feeds The WorldBy toddFebruary 10, 2009

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I had this long-winded intro for this video, but just skip to 5:25. I can’t think of any scenario where I would ask a magical genie to turn me into a starving black baby, but we can go ahead and make this #1 on my list of possibles.

I had this long-winded intro for this video, but just skip to 5:25. I can’t think of any scenario where I would ask a magical genie to turn me into…

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