The 86th Annual Academy Awards Were Last NightBy toddMarch 03, 2014
The 86th Annual Academy Awards Were Last Night

 

As my brilliant title suggests, the 86th Annual Academy Awards were last night, and before we get into everything, here's the list of winners that you care about. Please note that Sound Mixing and Cinematography are not listed. Mostly because I have no idea what those things are. What does mixing stuff with cinnamon have to do with a making a movie? It just makes no sense. Also, Matthew McConaughey is damn handsome man. I can admit that.

 

BEST PICTURE: 12 Years a Slave

BEST ACTOR: Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club

ACTRESS: Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine

SUPPORTING ACTOR: Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club

SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years a Slave

DIRECTOR: Alfonso Cuarón, Gravity

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: John Ridley, 12 Years a Slave

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Spike Jonze, Her

  As my brilliant title suggests, the 86th Annual Academy Awards were last night, and before we get into everything, here's the list of winners that you care about. Please…

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Muslims Hate Katy Perry NowBy toddFebruary 28, 2014

 

Katy Perry is probably the furthest thing from what Jesus had in mind when he made people climb a mountain to hear him talk. Apparently Jesus also wanted people to get exercise, but then he gave them a bunch of bread. Carbs? Make up your mind, Jesus! Damn.  Also, a mountain? Nice acoustics, jackass. Anyway, like most Christians, Katy Perry likes to pull out the Christian card when it fits her needs, and she sees herself as some evolved spiritualist who embraces all faiths and religions, but mostly those people just smoke a lot of weed. But for her music video for "Dark Horse", she did a thing that pissed off Muslims. That's always a good idea.

A number of Muslim netizens around the world are upset with her music video and are insulted by a scene in which Katy was seen destroying a man with his pendant depicting the Arabic word for "Allah".  Petitions for Youtube to bring down the music video have also been issued by Muslim netizens.

A person who wasn't Muslim mentioned the word "Allah" in something, so naturally there's petitions going around to have this video removed and Katy Perry beheaded or stoned or whatever Muslims do to women who won't have sex with them. Hey, man. Try a few compliments and maybe a nice dinner. Also, make her laugh. All religions are dumb and make no sense, but one thing they all do well is wait for the chance to get offended. Religious people love that shit. They also always want you to join because if you join, that means they aren't as crazy because it sounded like a good idea to you too. But Islam? Nah, brah. I can't fuck with a religion that promises you get to bang 1,000 virgins when you get to heaven. Sorry. That sounds mad boring. I don't have time to sit down and have a talk to explain things a thousand times. If you could just bend over and let me pull your arms behind your back so I can use you as a counterweight without me having to use a logistics flow process diagram that would be ideal.

  Katy Perry is probably the furthest thing from what Jesus had in mind when he made people climb a mountain to hear him talk. Apparently Jesus also wanted people…

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There’s A Yeezus Movie Coming OutBy toddFebruary 28, 2014

 

If you feel like paying money to sit in the dark and listen to Kanye West tell you how great Kanye West is for two hours, you're in luck, because he released the trailer for his upcoming movie Yeezus yesterday on his official site. It looks like a  concert film, but Brett Easton Ellis wrote a script for it, so there's a good chance it'll have a serial killer and a gay dude in it at some point. Also, somebody might have AIDS or be hooked on heroin and speak in run on sentences that last five pages. The last movie Ellis wrote could only cast Lindsay Lohan and a porn star, so let's try to keep our expectations low. Not sure if Kim Kardashian will be in it or not, but I imagine Kanye West in a fur coat will get more screen time than that bar that runs at the bottom of Sportscenter.

  If you feel like paying money to sit in the dark and listen to Kanye West tell you how great Kanye West is for two hours, you're in luck,…

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Do Not Attempt To Grab Justin Timberlake’s AssBy toddFebruary 28, 2014

 

Justin Timberlake took his 20/20 Experience tour to Philly on Tuesday, and since Philly is a shit hole of degenerates and drunks, of course someone would attempt to sexually assault him. You can clearly see Timberlake slap a hand away twice and give the face the hand belongs to a stare down, then he just dances away. Note: Dancing away after an attempted unwarranted sexual advance has not been shown as an effective rape prevention tool. Us here at IDLYITW suggest you contact the authorities immediately if you or someone you know is the victim of a sexual assault. But do not dance to the phone.

  Justin Timberlake took his 20/20 Experience tour to Philly on Tuesday, and since Philly is a shit hole of degenerates and drunks, of course someone would attempt to sexually…

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Mila Kunis And Ashton Kutcher Are EngagedBy toddFebruary 28, 2014
Mila Kunis And Ashton Kutcher Are Engaged

 

Mila Kunis was spotted with a big ass diamond on her ring finger, so I guess this means she's engaged to Ashton Kutcher. We'll play along.

You are not about to be punk'd. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are engaged, E! News exclusively confirms. Kunis was spotted shopping earlier today wearing a diamond ring on that finger, and a source tells us that she and her former That '70s Show costar are indeed planning to make it official.

They've been dating for two years, so I guess this might be true or she just likes big ass diamonds. But two years is plenty of time for Kutcher to have seen her without makeup, and if you haven't seen Kunis without makeup, I suggest you get a night light and check under your bed before you go to sleep because its the stuff of goddamn nightmares. Seriously. You'd bring your pets inside if you saw a Mila Kunis without makeup in your backyard. Hopefully Sephora was mentioned in the prenup.

  Mila Kunis was spotted with a big ass diamond on her ring finger, so I guess this means she's engaged to Ashton Kutcher. We'll play along. You are not…

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Linka KellyBy jessJanuary 16, 2012

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Some dude’s wife had a nip slip at the Golden Globes [Taxidriver Movie]
Mena Suvari is single [The Superficial]
Gemma Arterton is attractive [Shock Til You Drop]
Miranda Kerr looks uncomfortable [Popoholic]
My husband Gerard Butler won everything [Celebitchy]
Ben Kingsley‘s wife probably thought he was dying a lot sooner [The Blemish]
Sarah Tooke is Todd’s type [Zoo Today]
Heather Locklear before she was damaged goods [Coed Magazine]
I WANT [Cityrag]
Elton John and Madonna summed up perfectly [Dlisted]
Kate Moss is old [I’m Not Obsessed]
SO MANY DRESSES. [Moe Jackson]
At first glance I seriously thought this was the witch from Drag Me to Hell. [Popbytes]
Irina Shayk boob [Egotastic]
Justin Bieber working with a negative image of himself [Allie Is Wired]
If you’re feeling festive today [The Chive]
Lana Del Rey is good at this and only this [Popcrush]
Kelly Clarkson sleeps with a Colt 45 [Popcrush]
Selena Gomez definitely just got laid [A Socialite’s Life]
Brad Pitt still has it [Amy Grindhouse]
Daniel Craig has a buttcrack and SKYFALL IS COMING YES YES YES [Tabloid Prodigy]
Maria Menuonos didn’t help Denver [Huffington Post]
Nicole Scherzinger is subtle [Hollywood Tuna]
Demi Moore is standing strategically [Celebuzz]
Rihanna was probably still high when she thought of this outfit [Celebslam]
Elisabetta Canalis is downgrading [Evil Beet]

Follow us [Facebook][Twitter][Todd’s Formspring] [Jess’s Formspring][Todd][Jess]

Some dude’s wife had a nip slip at the Golden Globes [Taxidriver Movie] Mena Suvari is single [The Superficial] Gemma Arterton is attractive [Shock Til You Drop] Miranda Kerr looks…

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Lindsay Lohan Snuck Into A Party To Get This Picture TakenBy toddJanuary 16, 2012

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Since the cocaine and the delusional disorder have long since taken over her brain, Lindsay Lohan truly believes she is still an A-list star and has every right to attend industry parties. By sneaking around back and commando crawling through the kitchen apparently. NYDN reports:

LINDSAY LOHAN don’t need no stinkin’ Golden Globe nomination to get her picture taken. On Wednesday the Weinstein Company hosted a pre-Globes party at the Chateau Marmont in L.A., and an insider says Lohan snuck in via the hotel’s back entrance. She then “made her way to the entrance for photo ops,” where the Weinstein firm’s Globe nominees, Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo from “The Artist” and Kenneth Branagh and Michelle Williams from “My Week With Marilyn,” were being snapped. Bradley Cooper also showed.

I’ve been writing about Lindsay Lohan for a quarter of her life now, and she makes it difficult for me to come up with different ways to say WTF DAMN CRACKHEAD BITCH. Mostly because there’s seemingly no bottom to her depravity and psychosis. She should be a Batman villain at this point.

Since the cocaine and the delusional disorder have long since taken over her brain, Lindsay Lohan truly believes she is still an A-list star and has every right to attend…

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The 69th Golden Globes Were Last NightBy toddJanuary 16, 2012

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Angelina was seriously giving Brad this look all night. The “you’re getting your balls drained and a sandwich of your choice as soon as we get home” look.

The Oscars’ half sister who only gets to see their dad every other weekend and every other holiday but not even then because her mom is on meth and therefore not very reliable the courts are involved now were last night, and it was even more mind-numbingly more boring than you’d imagined. Ricky Gervais was supposed to come and be funny again, but NBC only let him on stage for five minutes. And Madonna won an award. And somebody let a serial leg rapist dog with ADHD on stage. And I’m pretty sure Sidney Poitier died. Just a bad night all around. Anyway, here’s who won:

Best Motion Picture – Drama
The Descendants

Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
The Artist

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama
George Clooney, The Descendants

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture Octavia Spencer, The Help

Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion PictureChristopher Plummer, Beginners

Best Director – Motion Picture
Martin Scorsese, Hugo

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
Midnight in Paris

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt:

George Clooney and OMG Just Glad To Be Here Guys I’m Dating George Clooney Don’t Know If You Heard:

Sofia Vergara andsweetlordinheavendaddylike:

Gerard Butler and oh look Jess’ ovaries just dropped and she’s knitting something now:

Charlize Theron and probably a one-hitter hidden somewhere in that dress:

Kate Beckinsale and I just came twice I’m sleepy :

Salma Hayek and Siri what’s Spanish for “motorboat”?:

Jessica Alba and why was she there it was about acting oh that’s right tits:

Angelina was seriously giving Brad this look all night. The “you’re getting your balls drained and a sandwich of your choice as soon as we get home” look. The Oscars’…

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Charlize Theron Wears Cutlets And Didn’t Have Teeth Until She Was 8By toddJanuary 14, 2012
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In an interview with W Magazine, Charlize Theron that she wears a padded a bra and that her two front teeth rotted out when she was a kid. Anybody masturbating yet?

Like the “cutlets.” Mavis wears flesh-­colored glue-on gel-filled “breasts” over her real ones.
I wear those! If you don’t have boobs, you wear those cutlets. I heard a story of a girl who was on a date, started making out, and thought, Oh, he’s going to touch the cutlets! So she went to the bathroom to take them off, but her purse was too small to put them in there. I always thought that was a funny image, a woman not knowing what to do with these things that you stick onto your boobs. It’s just the most bizarre, unsexy thing there is—so I added that to Mavis.

Growing up in South Africa, were you always tall and blonde and beautiful?
For the first eight years of my life, I didn’t have front teeth. I was pretty sick as an infant, and antibiotics rotted them. But then I started to take dance classes, and I eventually got some teeth [laughs]. When I was 16, I went to Milan to model.

I hope this isn’t some big scheme and diabolical ploy to make me not want to have unprotected sex with her. Because I still would. Or protected sex. The letter I wrote to her didn’t really specify I guess. Haha, let’s see your lawyers get around that loophole, Charlize!

In an interview with W Magazine, Charlize Theron that she wears a padded a bra and that her two front teeth rotted out when she was a kid. Anybody masturbating…

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Lamar Odom Fell In Love With A Stripper(s)By toddJanuary 13, 2012

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“We bought a zoo! This thing came with it! Not sure what it is let me take a picture with it.”

Since his wife is a bastard and an abomination against nature who will eventually be tracked and killed in a windmill by villagers after a marginally successful stint at power forward in the NBA D-League, Lamar Odom went to a Washington, D.C. strip club and made it rain on several hos. Radar Online reports:

The 27-year-old reality star’s husband of more than two years, Dallas Mavericks star Lamar Odom, had a wild night with strippers at a notorious Washington D.C. strip club on January 8, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned. Multiple eyewitnesses have told RadarOnline.com that Odom dropped hundreds of dollars on dancers and at one point was sprawled out in a dimly lit corner of Stadium Club strip club, a venue that bills itself as a “five star dining and premier gentleman’s club experience.”…”Strippers were grinding on him,” the onlooker said in an exclusive interview. He attended the seedy club with Mavericks’ teammates Shawn Marion and Delonte West in the hours before the 2011 NBA champions were honored by President Barack Obama in a ceremony at the White House on January 9….“That’s where the VIPs go when they don’t want to be seen publicly with a stripper,” the source at the venue said. “Lamar disappeared into the back of the venue where the private rooms are. He was there for quite awhile, but eventually came back to hang with the strippers in the main area again. The stripper that gave him most of his lap dances was a complete Khloe look-a-like.”

Also, as a rule of thumb, if you go to a strip club, make sure your wife doesn’t have 82 billion Twitter followers:

Several strip-clubbers posted Tweets about Odom’s visit, too.

@IamBentleyEvans wrote, “Oh oh Lamar Odom gon (sic) be at Stadium. Khloe can sleep well tonight. The girls r too pretty and not muscular enough for him.”

@Dai_laSoul wrote, “Lamar Odom at stadium n dc ACTING BAD @KhloeKardashian.

Wait, all I got from this is “five star dining and premier gentleman’s club experience”. Anybody know if they’re on Yelp?

“We bought a zoo! This thing came with it! Not sure what it is let me take a picture with it.” Since his wife is a bastard and an abomination…

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