I’m totally ok admitting that I don’t understand the Oxygen channel. It’s television for women, but every time I flip through there it’s some movie about a woman getting her ass beat. Why that’s entertaining, I’m not sure, but what has been entertaining is my brilliant lead-in to mention that Jennifer Love Hewitt has a new show on there. I’d rather watch a video of the inbred at my Starbucks pissin in the coffee I’m drinking right now than watch a romantic comedy on the Oxygen channel, but hey, I have eclectic taste. And really, all this was just an excuse to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt pictures for an hour without my girlfriend scratching my fuckin eyes out. I’ll take my chances writing this article because like every other supermodel, my girlfriend is no genius. Even when she’s sober she can barely read. I likes ’em dumb!
So apparently Halle Berry won’t be wearing million dollar shoes to the Academy Awards. Someone must have pointed out it’s bad form to have a million dollars on your feet while at the same time wearing a black ribbon to show your “concern” over the mountain of dead in Indonesia. But the real victim here is me, cause I’d already written a brilliantly funny story about it. And since I’m too lazy to write something new, I’m posting it anyway:
“Halle Berry will wear diamond encrusted shoes with a net worth of one million dollars to this years Academy Awards. And if it’s not an hour later right now and you’re picking yourself up off the floor, you should probably read that first sentence again, cause I said “million dollar shoes.” It’s almost unthinkable. I didn’t even spend a million dollars on prostitutes last year. In this country. If you’re going to wear million dollar shoes, you might as well stop off somewhere and kick some orphans in the nuts, cause, really, its pretty much the same thing.”
And to think, her selfishness almost cost you the hilarity of this article. Tsk, tsk Halle. Tsk, tsk.
It’s 4:04 on the west coast, about an hour before the Academy Awards, and since there’s zero chance of me being smart enough to remember all this stuff tomorrow, I’m just gonna scrawl down whatever occurs to me as I watch this tonight. It’ll kinda be like us hanging out, except I’ll be the only one doing lines of coke off the hips of 18 year old models.
4:08 – Chris Rock hasn’t said a word yet and he’s already a billion times better than Billy Crystal. How any one could like that whiny little fuck baffles me. You could strap me down in an oxygen tent filled with nothing by nitrous and chronic then tickle me for an hour and I still wouldn’t laugh at anything Billy Crystal has ever said.
4:11 – If Rock is half as good as Steve Martin or Letterman, this should be great.
4:19 – One of the naked supermodels in my hot tub just asked if we were going to watch the Barbara Walters special. And even though that’s a perfectly reasonable question, she’s not here to think, so I just told her to pipe down.
4:20 – Actually I might have watched the Barbara Walters special except I don’t have a time machine that can take me to a point when Barbara Walters had a relevant thought in her fuckin head.
4:40 – I remember watching one of these and someone asked Conan O’Brien where he got his tuxedo and he said Sears. I always thought that was pretty cool, cause Sears does have pretty nice clothes. I get almost all of my Garfield stuff there.
4:43 – Spike Lee really is an idiot. And tonight he looks like a drag queen. Even guys at Pride Week would look at those glasses and tell him to butch it up a little.
4:55 – We’re about to start here, so my official stance on the Oscars is that they’re insufferable. Billionaires handed hundred thousand dollar outfits and fawning all over each other, then inevitably bawling like a retarded kid who spilled his Pepsi is pretty hard to stomach.
At the same time, no matter what you do, it’s nice to be told that your work has been noticed and your peers think you do a good job. So, to me, being nominated really is the prize. But being called the best in a subjective field like film is arrogance at an almost offensive level.
4:58 – What I said above is mostly about the actors. In the book ‘Hollywood Interrupted’, Trey Parker from South Park said, “People wonder why we rip on celebrities, when all around there are pages of shit glorifying celebrities like Winona Ryder. And celebrities view themselves as the fucking Mozarts of their time. Even fucking Ray Ramono thinks hes an enlightened individual. These people all think they’re enlightened artists and therefore speak for the country. But I haven’t met one celebrity who wasn’t a little bit fucked up. Actors and actresses are the worst, because they’re just fucking monkeys. Half the people in this country could do what they do but for some reason they think they’re opinion matters.”
5:02 – If anyone didn’t realize that there’s a heavy black influence to this years show, Star Jones and her fat ass will be more than happy to remind you. Oh, and she’s from New York. And she’s fat.
5:12 – I’m almost positive at this point that Hillary Swank is some kind of robot shape-shifter from the future. Every time I see her she looks just a little bit different. Which is exactly the kind of mistake a robot shape-shifter from the future would make. Because they don’t understand love. One minute she looks borderline hot, the next I’m ashamed of myself for wanting to fuck a retarded girl. I’m joking of course. I’m actually a little turned on by the idea.
5:19 – Kirsten Dunst. I hate you.
5:34 – Johnny Depp looks like he’s in the Fantastic Four.
5:35 – Chris Rock cursed on the third word he said. I love this guy. But the crowd is gonna hate him cause he’s not kissin their ass.
5:47 – I really hope Thomas Haden Church wins Best Supporting Actor. I don’t know if anyone else remembers a show called Ned and Stacy. It was only on Fox for like 10 minutes and it was him and Debra Messing. I think I was in high school, or maybe not yet, it wasn’t on long, but I remember he had a scene one time where he was arguing with Stacy and he got this Bond villain look on his face and he tapped his fingers together and he said, “but then how will I ever build my underwater city.” It was so random and pointless and had nothing to do with anything. I’m sure no on else thinks that’s funny – because I cant tell stories worth a damn – but it’s pretty much the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve loved jokes like that ever since.
I did warn you that this wasn’t gonna be funny, right? Oh, well I should have.
6:01 – Joan Rivers. Botox. “You go girl”. J Edgar Hoover. Brando doing Elmer Fudd.
Does Robin Williams have any fuckin idea what year it is. If anyone thinks he’s funny, leave this site and never come back. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever been kicked in the balls by a donkey, but I’m pretty sure it would be more enjoyable than having to listen to Robin Williams.
6:07 – I really thought that grace, dignity, self-respect and talent were an impediment to success in pop music lately. But Beyonce has done pretty well for herself, so I guess not. That first performance was fuckin amazing. But since I’m a shallow prick, I’m gonna point out that if her ass gets any bigger, she should change her name to buoyancy.
6:22 – Natalie Portman looks like she was made in a lab. And if that came out as a compliment, I should probably rephrase it cause I didn’t mean it too. It’s like I can tell she’s good looking, but I don’t care. She’s too perfect, it’s almost clinical. There’s a coldness to her hotness. And while everyone trembles in the shadows of the brilliance of that last statement, I’m gonna order a pizza.
6:30 – I’m really not feeling that Best Supporting Actress nod. I hate that any gimmicky shtick – like Hoffman in Rain Man, Rush in Shine, Blanchett in the Aviator – is somehow held in higher regard that acting like a real human being, an actual person with all the subtlety that entails. What Virginia Madsen did is infinitely more impressive to me.
6:35 – Alright, this Counting Crows song really sucks. So I’m listening to ‘Call 911’ by Westside Connection. And when I look at the TV it looks like a really inappropriate video. Jesus, I forgot how hard Westside is. Reminds me of when I was a shortie, bangin in my hood just to stay up. Wait, did I say “bangin in my hood just to stay up”, cause I meant to say “ordering curly fries at the country club”.
6:47 – As someone who is flailing away wildly as a failed screenwriter so far, this is really the only part I care about. Sideways was a great choice for Best Adapted Screenplay. And Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the greatest screenplay I’ve ever read, so maybe the academy will get both of these right.
6:51 – Al Pacino is a foot and a half tall.
7:00 – I’ve already jacked off twice to that chick in the silver dress during Sydney Lumets speech.
7:10 – It’s impossible for me to believe that a girl with this much talent dates Jay Z.
7:11 – Jeremy Irons has been funnier than Chris Rock so far. And did that animation guy just throw up a gang sign?
7:25 – I really hope Penelope Cruz was trying to look like that chick from Mars Attacks. I can’t imagine why she would, but its been a remarkable success.
7:26 – Does Jamie Foxx have a tattoo on his fuckin head?
7:32 – The winners recieving their awards in the crowd is really starting to work my nerves. This isn’t Jerry Springer. Yeah, we get it, the technical people aren’t fabulous enough to share the stage with the actors. Jesus, I’m a little surprised you didn’t bring them on stage just so you could push them down the stairs at the end. Maybe have a mud puddle down there too so everyone can laugh and point at the dumb pathetic bastards who weren’t born with perfect cheek bones.
7:34 – The song on the show right now is being sung by Antonio Banderas. And, shockingly, it sucks. The song I’m listening to is by Bumblebeez 81. And it’s called ‘pony ride’. Cause everyone likes pony rides.
7:41 – John Travolta used to come on to me when I was bartending at Hotel Casa del Mar in Santa Monica. I’m not saying he’s gay, I’m just saying that I’m a beautiful man. But he is gay. Really gay. Seriously.
8:00 – It’s nice to see Hollywood and the Academy Awards combat the racial questions of their past with their typical light touch and subtlety.
8:02 – Jimmy Walker, Kid-N-Play and that guy from the Police Academy movies should be on stage any minute now.
8:04 –Sean Penn really is a joyless prick. Sorry if Chris Rock didn’t kiss enough ass for you. God forbid he question you’re rightful place as lord and ruler over all you survey. After all, you’re an actor! Jackass. Seriously, if I ever see you, you better hope we’re not on a trail of some kind cause if there’s a rock around, I’m throwin it at your ass.
8:06 – Okay, I’m back to the Hillary Swank thing. Seriously, why does she look so different every time I see her? It’s like when I watch the Super Friends on Cartoon Network, the one from the 70’s, when the animators were way too stoned to ever draw Wonder Woman the same way twice. She’d have black hair in one scene, blue in the next. D-cups, A-cups. Lasso on the right, lasso on the left, no lasso. You can see the lines of the invisible jet, you can’t see the lines of the invisible jet. One minute she’d have on Superman’s cape, the next she’d be some big black guy, but still in that same outfit. And with the same voice.
I can’t remember why I thought this had anything to do with Hillary Swank.
8:09 – But she is a really good actress.
8:17 – Charlie Kaufman is an absolute fuckin genius. If anyone cares, you can download all of his scripts, including ‘Eternal Sunshine’, here.
8:25 – I really can’t make up my mind about Gweneth Paltrow. Sometimes she looks surprisingly average. And sometimes she looks like she did tonight. Or like this. And that’s pretty damn great.
8:30 – It’s impossible to not like Jamie Foxx.
8:38 – Clint Eastwood still drives a two door GMC Cyclone. That dude is fuckin cool.
9:00 – It’s all about you, isn’t it Barbara. God you’re an insufferable bitch. I’m so glad a former Republican mayor won while you were up there. Too bad you didn’t choke on your tongue as you handed him the prize.
9:01 – Well, Rock was good but not great. Which probably means we’ll be shackled with Billy Crystal and boring predictable ass-kissing next year, just like the Academy likes it.
That’s it for me. Later.