Whore HalloweenBy toddOctober 22, 2010

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Paris Hilton went Halloween costume shopping at Trashy yesterday, and it looks like she decided on “Slutty Sailor”. Which is weird, because I thought she would go as a submarine. You know, since she’s pointy and is always filled with seamen. Hahahaha, I crack myself up!!

Paris Hilton went Halloween costume shopping at Trashy yesterday, and it looks like she decided on “Slutty Sailor”. Which is weird, because I thought she would go as a submarine….

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Bring Your Daughter To Work DayBy toddOctober 21, 2010

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Apparently a Daytona day shift stripper convention was in Manhattan today, because the herpes train of JWoww, Snooki, and that one thing visited The Early Show. I was going to write more, but the Asian lady holding the sign in the back pretty much has it covered.

Apparently a Daytona day shift stripper convention was in Manhattan today, because the herpes train of JWoww, Snooki, and that one thing visited The Early Show. I was going to…

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I Don’t Know What’s Worth MoreBy toddOctober 21, 2010

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When people talk about Christina Hendrick’s curves, it’s hard to tell if they’re talking about the ones that the corsets and duct tape make on Mad Men or her franchise, but there’s no reason to speculate with Adriana Lima (none at all). The Adriana Lima who revealed the Victoria’s Secret $2 million Bombshell Fantasy Bra in NYC yesterday. “Man, that’s a really expensive bra,” a man jacking off in NYC was quoted as saying.

When people talk about Christina Hendrick’s curves, it’s hard to tell if they’re talking about the ones that the corsets and duct tape make on Mad Men or her franchise,…

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Beach Bunny Is SmartBy toddOctober 12, 2010

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Apparently the Kardashian sisters designed bikinis for Beach Bunny, and as you might have noticed, Candice Swanepoel is modeling them and not this (NSFW) or this. I guess because Beach Bunny wants to avoid any confusion. I can see how it might be awkward in the ordering process when customers ask if the suits could be used as a boat tarp or if the straps are reinforced with rebar.

Apparently the Kardashian sisters designed bikinis for Beach Bunny, and as you might have noticed, Candice Swanepoel is modeling them and not this (NSFW) or this. I guess because Beach…

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Jessica Simpson Does LettermanBy toddMarch 12, 2010

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Damn, I am so normal right now, because Jessica Simpson showed up on David Letterman Wednesday night and she looked so fucking normal. I would bang that so normally, she wouldn’t know what two sides she ordered with her 3-piece. It’s not very often that a woman gets me this so normal, so I’m not really sure how to handle all these different emotions. Normally, of course.

Damn, I am so normal right now, because Jessica Simpson showed up on David Letterman Wednesday night and she looked so fucking normal. I would bang that so normally, she…

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Zoe Saldana Is SmartBy toddMarch 11, 2010

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I realize when you’re listening to NPR and adding stuff to your Urban Outfitters wishlist and trying to come up with a funny and ironic name for your bowling team (“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter”, I’m looking at you Steven), you think you’re listening to the voice of logic and reason. But, I have a higher calling. And that calling is to listen to anything a skinny, hot chick tells me.

“Love it, love it, love it — can’t live without it! I love sex,” the Avatar star, 31, admits in the April issue of Essence. “I love skin. I don’t believe the body is something to hide.” “I think in American society, we’re messing up our kids by taking away the education on awareness of sexuality and replacing it with violence, guns and video games,” she says. “We’re breeding little criminals.”…”I want to have more sex, travel more, drink more wine and love life.”

I’m not even sure why I thought this would be a good post. I saw “sex” and “more sex” and Zoe’s legs and I kinda just blacked out. I don’t know if Ben Roethlisberger slipped me something or what, but I’d like to think he knows a great ass when he sees one. Anyway, next.

I realize when you’re listening to NPR and adding stuff to your Urban Outfitters wishlist and trying to come up with a funny and ironic name for your bowling team…

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Megan Fox Has An OuttakeBy toddMarch 10, 2010

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The gays at Harper’s Bazaar must have had felt bad that they spilled a soy latte on their ascot that day, because this banner picture is an outtake from Megan Fox’s photoshoot. An outtake. This should have been the whole magazine. Or at least on a menu. Because, make no mistake, Megan Fox’s ass in the air makes me want to ask the waitress for some wet naps and extra bread.

The gays at Harper’s Bazaar must have had felt bad that they spilled a soy latte on their ascot that day, because this banner picture is an outtake from Megan…

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Demi Moore Is A Great MomBy toddMarch 10, 2010

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There have been many parenting books, but the chapter on teaching your daughter how to pole dance in front of a room full of guys never gets included. Why is that? Oh yeah, that’s right. New York Post reports:

Demi Moore gave daughter Rumer Willis a pole-dancing lesson at a party at the Chateau Marmont hotel in Hollywood. A partygoer told Life & Style that the “Striptease” star “even spun around the pole upside down.” Then Rumer gave it a whirl as Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Aniston and Leonardo DiCaprio cheered her on at the recent bash. “Everyone was cheering, and Leo gave Ashton a high-five,” the source added.

Please keep in mind that Rumer Willis looks like this and this, so hopefully she taught her some other stuff. Like giving a blowjob while she projects NFL Sunday Ticket in HD out of her ass and onto the wall. Oh, and if she could hold my beer that would be great, too. Because if she expects me to look at her afterward, she might need to find a magic lamp first.

There have been many parenting books, but the chapter on teaching your daughter how to pole dance in front of a room full of guys never gets included. Why is…

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Lindsay Is Really Doing ThisBy toddMarch 10, 2010

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Since she’s a paranoid, delusional drug addict who thinks the world revolves around her, Lindsay Lohan is suing financial company E-Trade for…wait for it… $100 million, because she got high and claimed they modeled their boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic” baby in its new ad after her. ABC News reports:

Lohan filed the lawsuit in Nassau County Supreme Court Monday and the New York Post says the 100 million for her “pain and suffering.” The disputed ad debuted during the Super Bowl and features a boy baby saying sorry to his “girlfriend” for not calling the night previous. The baby girl is instantly suspicious (wise baby!) and says: “And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn’t over?”

Maybe I should sue over this and this, because they’re obviously talking about me, right? I mean, I’m not like that. Really, I’m not. Why are you staring at me?! Don’t look at me like that! Oh, why don’t you just leave me alone?!?

Lindsay looking smacked out of her mind in Paris, but milk? Oh my, heavens no.

Since she’s a paranoid, delusional drug addict who thinks the world revolves around her, Lindsay Lohan is suing financial company E-Trade for…wait for it… $100 million, because she got high…

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The Vanity Fair Oscar Party Was OkayBy toddMarch 08, 2010

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You already know who won Oscars last night (Banner pic spoilers if you don’t, grandpa. Try to keep up), so you already know that Kathryn Bigelow ordered at 14-year old Russian runaway and a double-sided dildo to celebrate and James Cameron adopted an entire Haitian family so he could fly them to his private island to film The Hurt Really Fucking Bad Locker, so here’s some pics from the Vanity Fair after party. Seriously, what do you want from me? Actual reporting? C’mon, let’s not get carried away here.

I realize Bar Refaeli doesn’t look like Christina Hendricks, so I guess that means she’s not a “real woman”. I’m confused I guess, because she’s seems pretty real when Hendrick’s husband jacks off to her when Hendrick’s is sexily stripping out of her 24-hour Rebar spanx. Ooohh, like that baby.

Shitty music and grating personality aside, Katy Perry has a fantastic rack, and that pretty much all that matters to me. So, if you’re a chick and you have a fantastic rack, Greg from Accounting, although he pretends to, doesn’t really care about the new sweater you bought for your Pomeranian or the new vegan recipe you want him to try, he’s just trying to titty fuck you. Hope that clears things up.

Cameron Diaz the Ever-Living showed up, but she didn’t stay long. Apparently she got a collect call from Third Earth saying Panthro fixed the ThunderTank so she had revert to her mummified form, and enter her sarcophagus to rejuvenate herself. “Mumm-raaaaaaaa!!!!”, she was overhead as saying.

I don’t know what kind of buffet Jessica Simpson went to before the party, but obviously it was good enough for her to say fuck it, i’m just gonna wear a sheet. Simple, yet practical, her thighs can heat up the Hot Pockets while she mingled.

You already know who won Oscars last night (Banner pic spoilers if you don’t, grandpa. Try to keep up), so you already know that Kathryn Bigelow ordered at 14-year old…

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