Miranda Kerr Is EngagedBy toddDecember 14, 2009

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Miranda Kerr’s brother probably shouldn’t join the mob. OK! reports:

ORLANDO Bloom is engaged to his model girlfriend Miranda Kerr after finally popping the question during a holiday in Morocco. Pirates of the Caribbean star Orlando Bloom and Victoria’s Secrets model Miranda Kerr are engaged after dating for nearly three years. Miranda’s brother confirmed the news, saying: “He’s finally done it. Orlando has proposed. They’re getting married.” The pair, who have been denying rumours of wedding bells for months, are reportedly planning to tie the knot next summer, although a date has not yet been confirmed.

I have no idea why it took this dude so long to propose. It’s Miranda Kerr for chrissakes. You’d have to give her snakes for hair and hooks for hands to make her slightly unattractive, so I guess I’m not understanding what Bloom’s problem is. If I banged Miranda Kerr once, I’d cut my penis off and put it on a satin pillow while I was in a parade riding on that thing Xerses had.

IT’S A MIRANDA KERR PICTURE BONANZA!!!

Miranda Kerr’s brother probably shouldn’t join the mob. OK! reports: ORLANDO Bloom is engaged to his model girlfriend Miranda Kerr after finally popping the question during a holiday in Morocco….

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Elin Nordegren Is Missing SomethingBy toddDecember 14, 2009

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Tiger Woods’ wife took her kids to a Christmas party in Florida on Saturday, and for the first time in five years, she was photographed without her wedding band and diamond engagement ring. I have no idea what this means, but I’m sure when the PODS she orders arrive at the bank, I’m sure Tiger will let us know.

Photo credit: Splash

Tiger Woods’ wife took her kids to a Christmas party in Florida on Saturday, and for the first time in five years, she was photographed without her wedding band and…

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Olivia Munn Does MaximBy toddDecember 14, 2009

Attack of The Show‘s Olivia Munn is on next month’s cover of Maxim, and if you can find the perfect combination of hot, smart, and funny let me know. She’s half Chinese and half Irish, which is a coincidence because my girlfriend is half Chinese and half Irish. I also call her vagina “the wok”, because it’s always hot and it’s always available to eat from. Wait, I didn’t mean to put that out there, baby….I, um, well, I’m sor…uhhh…hey, so how do you like your diamond earrings I bought?

Attack of The Show‘s Olivia Munn is on next month’s cover of Maxim, and if you can find the perfect combination of hot, smart, and funny let me know. She’s…

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Child Protection Services Went To Tiger’s HouseBy toddDecember 13, 2009

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If you happened to need further proof that Tiger Woods got beat down by his wife, The Florida Department of Children and Families and Orange County Sheriff’s Department deputies paid a visit to Tiger’s Florida home yesterday. Radar Online reports:

The Florida Department of Children and Families, escorted by deputies from the Orange County Sheriff’s Department, visited Tiger Woods’ home near Windermere on Saturday, RadarOnline.com is reporting exclusively. Capt. Angelo Nieves of the Orange County Sheriff’s Department confirmed to RadarOnline.com: “Our deputies met with members of the Department of Children and Families. But all details are being kept secret.” Nieves would neither confirm nor deny that the deputies and DCF officials went to Woods’ house. But a source close to the situation told RadarOnline.com that the visit was in fact to Woods’ home and that it occurred around mid day. The source also tells RadarOnline.com that the deputy’s car was a marked car, while the Florida Department of Children and Families’ car was unmarked. It’s a shocking twist in a scandal that seemingly has no boundaries. The visit stems from the events leading up to Tiger’s bizarre one-car crash right after Thanksgiving. Reports from that incident indicated there was a heated altercation between Tiger and wife Elin over his cheating. Now, the presence of DCF at Tiger’s house adds credence to those reports as it is protocol for DCF to investigate after an in-home suspected domestic violence incident. Typically investigators from DCF would want to evaluate the safety of a home for children after a domestic violence incident. Officials were at the home for roughly an hour, sources told RadarOnline.com exclusively. Woods two young children were at home during Thanksgiving when the golfer and Elin allegedly got into a heated argument. Elin and Tiger are parents to two-year-old daughter Sam and 10-month-old son Charlie.

Jesus Christ, man. Will this crap ever end? Tiger could be found with a dead, naked Vietnamese boy in his trunk or the government could find plutonium in his basement and that would be the best PR Tiger’s had in a week.

Hey look, Kelly Brook! How did she get in here?!:

If you happened to need further proof that Tiger Woods got beat down by his wife, The Florida Department of Children and Families and Orange County Sheriff’s Department deputies paid…

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Sweetie, This Just Won’t DoBy toddDecember 12, 2009

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After seeing her naked all the time in Californication (NSFW), I have no idea why Eva Amurri showed up to the 12th Annual Cracked Xmas Gala in LA dressed like a British nanny. She has huge tits, so quite frankly, her dressing like this is just rude. To my penis. If she wears stuff like this you should be legally allowed to tase her.

After seeing her naked all the time in Californication (NSFW), I have no idea why Eva Amurri showed up to the 12th Annual Cracked Xmas Gala in LA dressed like…

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Candice Swanepoel Is There TooBy toddDecember 11, 2009

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St. Barts is apparently ground zero for hot Victoria’s Secret ass right now, and as my penis hoped for in his diary, Candice Swanepoel showed up yesterday. Christ, she’s beautiful. This chick might be too perfect to fuck. I’m afraid if I bent her over the arm of the couch I might get my penis caught in a rainbow.

St. Barts is apparently ground zero for hot Victoria’s Secret ass right now, and as my penis hoped for in his diary, Candice Swanepoel showed up yesterday. Christ, she’s beautiful….

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Katy Perry Is ShyBy toddDecember 11, 2009

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Katy Perry posted this picture on her official Twitter yesterday, and it’s hard to imagine the message she’s trying to send here. The spirit of Christmas? The importance of family during the holidays? The many uses of string lights? Probably none of that, because I can’t shake the feeling that she saved this picture in her “Me! Me! Me! Look At Me!” folder.

Katy Perry’s Understated Elegance: A Retrospect:

Katy Perry posted this picture on her official Twitter yesterday, and it’s hard to imagine the message she’s trying to send here. The spirit of Christmas? The importance of family…

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Tiger Spent $40K A Weekend On WhoresBy toddDecember 11, 2009

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Michelle Braun, former owner of a VIP escort service, is the latest person to roll Tiger Woods under the bus, claiming he regularly paid for sex with two of her employees: “Holly Sampson and onetime Trashy Lingerie model Jamie Jungers.” E! Online reports:

“He had a pretty big appetite for girls,” Braun concluded. And, supposedly, Tiger had a type. “He would request the college-cutie, girls-next-door look.” The last time she communicated with him was in mid-2008, Braun said. Most of her celebrity clients, including Woods, were always “smart enough” to pay in cash, she said. The golfer, in particular, “liked to communicate by text message.” Woods spent three weekends in Vegas with her girls over the years, Braun said, dropping $30,000 to $40,000 per trip. Braun surmises that people like Woods (rich, famous, etc.) utilized her business because “it’s supposed to be discreet. When you pay it’s established that it’s a business relationship. You don’t have a girl thinking he is going to leave his wife for her and they will fall in love and have a fairy tale relationship.” As far as having proof that Tiger was even a client, Braun says she’s sure she has phone records. They never communicated by email, she says.

So basically, Tiger paid $40K to have sex with carny versions of his wife. So while he’s on his way to enroll in sexual addiction class, maybe he can stop by my apartment so I can drive the base of my palm into his nose. You know, just on general principle.

Banner pic: Jamie Jungers Pic Gallery: Holly Sampson

Michelle Braun, former owner of a VIP escort service, is the latest person to roll Tiger Woods under the bus, claiming he regularly paid for sex with two of her…

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Tiger Woods Has Classy Whores, Pt. 2By toddDecember 10, 2009

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On Wednesday, the New York Daily News reported that Holly Sampson, a porn star, had sex with Tiger Woods. I did a post on it and called her a whore. So not only am I a raging misogynist who uses derogatory terms to describe women, I’m also apparently a psychic.

On Wednesday, the New York Daily News reported that Holly Sampson, a porn star, had sex with Tiger Woods. I did a post on it and called her a whore….

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Kylie Bisutti Is New HereBy toddDecember 10, 2009

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Victoria’s Secret model Kylie Bisutti is also in St. Barts. I guess this is why when I woke up this morning my penis’ vagina tracking system felt a disturbance in France. I won’t go into the science behind it, but it’s pretty complex.

Note: Dear Valerie, I’m in America. Meaning, I don’t care.

Victoria’s Secret model Kylie Bisutti is also in St. Barts. I guess this is why when I woke up this morning my penis’ vagina tracking system felt a disturbance in…
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