Jennifer Love Hewitt Has Basically Just Given UpBy toddApril 20, 2011

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It’s going to take an elderly Mexican dragon to unlock a great, leather bound book and read a passage from the chapter “1998” for anybody under 20 to believe the myth that Jennifer Love Hewitt was once a hot piece of ass. She was. Now either she thinks it’s Christmas or L.A. is under a sever winter weather advisory, because she’s wearing about twenty layers of clothes. Maybe she wants people to think it’s Christmas, because that when people bring over pies. Who knows why she’s getting so fat. Maybe she wants to be one of People’s 2012 Most Beautiful People.

It’s going to take an elderly Mexican dragon to unlock a great, leather bound book and read a passage from the chapter “1998” for anybody under 20 to believe the…

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People Magazine Is SarcasticBy toddApril 19, 2011

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Is “Bombshell” some new kind of burrito? No, then why is Jessica Simpson in People magazine telling me she’s a sex symbol? Because the banner pic and the video below look like a before and after picture in a commercial where a guy tells me that I’ll burn fat and lose inches from my waist or I can return the bottle for a full refund! Real people! Real results! (*)

Double chins and Big Mama’s nightgown are hot:

(*) = These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. The pretend product Todd is rambling about instead of making an actual joke is not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any diseases. Especially whatever your sister has. I mean, what is that? Look at that dude. Christ, what is that?!

Is “Bombshell” some new kind of burrito? No, then why is Jessica Simpson in People magazine telling me she’s a sex symbol? Because the banner pic and the video below…

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Miley Cyrus Has A New Tattoo. Yep, Its A Dream CatcherBy toddApril 18, 2011

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Since I generally like to make every post about me, whenever I meet someone, first they ask me if I speak Spanish. When I tell them no, they seem confused then awkwardly ask what the hell I am, basically. When I answer, 9 times out of 10 they follow with, “Oh, really?! My great-grandmother was 1/16 Cherokee!”. I’m not sure if they expect a hug or want me to trade with them or what, but this is really my long-winded segue into saying that a chick who was probably conceived on a flatbed truck with a bottle with Xs on it nearby has a tattoo of a dream catcher. Then posed with it in pigtails. Okay, you’ve seen Pocahontas. We get it. But I’m pretty sure Pocahontas has better weed.

Since I generally like to make every post about me, whenever I meet someone, first they ask me if I speak Spanish. When I tell them no, they seem confused…

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Vanessa Hudgens Looks Happy At Coachella, Probably Didn’t Just EatBy toddApril 18, 2011

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Vanessa Hudgens attended Coachella this weekend where a lot of people think she was doing blow in broad daylight. Who knows? Maybe she was. She cashes checks from Disney and agreed to star in Beastly, so there’s a pretty good chance. I’m just more concerned with all the hipster chicks who are there. They’ll probably think I’m deep because I have “BE” tattooed on my penis. That’s before they see it actually says “BEAST MODE”. They’re still right about the deep part of course, but not for the reasons they initially thought.

Vanessa Hudgens attended Coachella this weekend where a lot of people think she was doing blow in broad daylight. Who knows? Maybe she was. She cashes checks from Disney and…

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