Iggy Azalea Didn’t Win ShitBy toddFebruary 09, 2015

Iggy Azalea is a white girl from Australia who magically has a blaccent when she “raps”, and claims she is universally hated because she has a vagina. But remember in her last interview when she said “awards season” helps her deal with her “haters”? Well, she didn’t win shit last night at the Grammys, where she was up for Best Rap Album of the Year. This is probably the best thing happen to civil rights in this country since Air Jordans. And we’re not even going to talk about her hair today. Last time I saw something like that, it was glazed and came with a free coffee.

Iggy Azalea is a white girl from Australia who magically has a blaccent when she “raps”, and claims she is universally hated because she has a vagina. But remember in…

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BREAKING: Kanye West Is Still A DickBy toddFebruary 09, 2015

Kanye West performed twice at the 2015 Grammys last night. The first time, he told a ghost story in a velvet track assistant basketball coach suit. The second time, he performed a song where Sir Paul McCartney, one of the biggest influences in the history of pop music, had to sing the word “wildin'” on national television. You’d think that would have been enough Snickers for Kanye’s ego, but then Beck‘s Morning Phase won AOTY. When Beck went on stage to accept his award (also, Beck was surprised he won, but for the exact opposite reason everybody else did), Kanye walked on stage, but was unable to say anything, because Prince is magical and created a force field around Beck forcing Kanye to sit his dumb ass down. The came the E! aftershow:

“I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us. We ain’t gonna play with them no more. And Beck needs to respect artistry and he should’ve given his award to Beyoncé. Because when you keep on diminishing art and not respecting the craft and smacking people in their face after they deliver monumental feats of music, you’re disrespectful to inspiration. And we as musicians have to inspire people who go to work every day, and they listen to that Beyoncé album and they feel like it takes them to another place. Then they do this whole promotional event, they’ll run the music over somebody’s speech, the artist, because they want commercial advertising. Like, no, we not playing with them no more. By the way, I got my wife, my daughter and my clothing line, so I’m not going to do nothing to put my daughter at risk but I am here to fight for creativity. That’s the reason why I didn’t say anything tonight. But you all know what it meant when ‘Ye walks on the stage.

Okay, let’s not pretend here. Kanye will be sitting at the Grammys when his 80, because his entire existence is entirely based on the amount of gold trophies his gets. If he doesn’t win a Grammy for tying his shoes, mankind has failed in Kanye’s mind. Second, ever single track on Morning Phase is great. Hate to break it to you. So if you want to protect artistry, then you clap when Beck wins his award. Beck isn’t Mackelmore. If you don’t know who Beck is, that says more about you than it does it about him, so I’m sorry your music choices are limited to what radio stations tell you. And if we can really sit here and call “7/11”  a “monumental feat of music”, the alien invasion can’t come soon enough. Beyonce wasn’t robbed, she just lost. If you want to feel bad for somebody for being robbed, Ledisi was suppose to perform ““Precious Lord, Take My Hand” (the gospel track she performed for Selma) and got bumped because Beyonce said, “nah bitch”. Beck sings and performs his own songs. Just wanted to throw that out there. In closing, I honestly hope Kanye keeps walking on stage when he’s throwing a tantrum, because one day he’s gonna walk up on the wrong person and get his jaw wired shut again. Fuck Kanye is really all I’m trying to say here.

 

 

 

Kanye West performed twice at the 2015 Grammys last night. The first time, he told a ghost story in a velvet track assistant basketball coach suit. The second time, he…

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Micaela Schaefer Says Good Morning, Links (NSFW)By toddFebruary 06, 2015

Amanda Holden is very cold  (NSFWTaxi Driver Movie

Madonna‘s new video debuted on Snapchat   Dlisted

Brian Williams is your new Chris Kyle   The Superficial

Miss Spain spends a lot on eyebrows   Hollywood Tuna

Kim Kardashian is naked innn yawwwwwnnn (NSFW)  Drunken Stepfather

Sarah Hyland is pretty cute   Popoholic

This is what Iggy Azalea’s ass really looks like    Celebslam

 

Amanda Holden is very cold  (NSFW)  Taxi Driver Movie Madonna‘s new video debuted on Snapchat   Dlisted Brian Williams is your new Chris Kyle   The Superficial Miss Spain spends…

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Chris Brown Is Going To Rehab For Anger ManagementBy toddOctober 30, 2013
Chris Brown Is Going To Rehab For Anger Management

 

If you're wondering why Chris Brown would voluntarily enter rehab for anger management when he repeatedly says he's all about love and peace, it's because Chris Brown has a really good lawyer who understands his client is a ticking time bomb, and if he can stand up in court and say, "Hey, look! He went to rehab, he obviously wants to change even though he's already done 1,000 hours of community service and that didn't work!" then maybe he can keep Brown out of jail. Good times. TMZ reports:

Sources tell TMZ … Brown's attorney, Mark Geragos, just dropped him off at a facility in Malibu. The move doesn't come a day too soon. We've learned the L.A. County probation department is going full bore in its investigation to determine if Brown violated his probation in the Rihanna case by getting arrested in D.C. over the weekend … after allegedly punching a guy in the nose. Sources tell TMZ, Brown flew to L.A. after getting released from the D.C. jail and met with L.A. County Probation Department officials today. We're told it's likely the Probation Department will determine that Brown violated his probation, and a judge could sentence him to as much as 4 years in prison.

If Brad Pitt hadn't shot John Doe in Se7en, maybe he could help Chris out. But I guess we'll never know, will we? Thanks, Obama.

  If you're wondering why Chris Brown would voluntarily enter rehab for anger management when he repeatedly says he's all about love and peace, it's because Chris Brown has a…

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Sofia Vergara Wore These Pants, LinksBy toddOctober 30, 2013

The River Of Delusion That Runs Through Kanye West’s Head Just Turned Into A Tsunami [Dlisted]

LeAnn Rimes Should Really Consider Living in Reality [Fishwrapper]

Lady Gaga Nipple Peek on the X-Factor (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban Sext, This Is Information You Know Now [The Superficial]

Nicole Scherzinger Works It In Leather [Hollywood Tuna]

Awkwardly Angled Selena Gomez Bikini Pictures Are Still Totally Drop Dead Sexy [Popoholic]

More of Rihanna’s self-produced erotica (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather]

Guy Fieri got into a nuclear fight with his hairdresser Saturday [TMZ]

What do Kristen Stewart, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Nigella Lawson have in common? [Lainey Gossip]

Lisa Kudrow on her nose job at 16: ‘That was life altering’ [Celebitchy]

Separated Or Still Together? Miranda Kerr & Orlando Bloom Share A Kiss in NYC [Moe Jackson]

The Wolf of Wall Street has a new trailer [Film Drunk]

Maryna Linchuk is very photogenic [Celebslam]

42 Boobtastic Jessica Rabbit Costumes IRL [COED Magazine]

People Walked Out of Adrian Grenier’s Speaking Gig [The Blemish]

Taylor Swift Has Booked a Royal Gig [Evil Beet Gossip]

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Final Trailer Drops [Crave Online]

Kris Jenner has blacklisted ‘Access Hollywood’ [Popbytes]

Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart Are ‘Talking Every Day’ [Hollywood Life]

The River Of Delusion That Runs Through Kanye West’s Head Just Turned Into A Tsunami [Dlisted] LeAnn Rimes Should Really Consider Living in Reality [Fishwrapper] Lady Gaga Nipple Peek on…

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Miley Cyrus Is Partying With Lindsay Lohan NowBy toddOctober 29, 2013
Miley Cyrus Is Partying With Lindsay Lohan Now

 

Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan? Oh, this should turn out well. What could go wrong? Hollywoodscoop

The pair apparently hit it off at 1OAK Nightclub in Chelsea, NYC, initially sitting at different tables until Lindsay took it upon herself to get closer to the singer, jumping over tables and, as Miley would put it, coming in like a wrecking ball. “Lindsay climbed over from her table next to the DJ booth to Miley’s table,” an eyewitness told the New York Post’s Page Six. “The two immediately began whispering in the corner. From that point on, the two tables essentially became one. Lindsay and Miley then “stayed till just after 5 am” and then left the club together.

I wonder what they did after 5am? Probably went to a Redbox and got some ice cream, I bet.

 

pic source = Instagram

  Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan? Oh, this should turn out well. What could go wrong? Hollywoodscoop The pair apparently hit it off at 1OAK Nightclub in Chelsea, NYC, initially…

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Jennifer Love Hewitt gets new showBy brendonFebruary 13, 2005
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I’m totally ok admitting that I don’t understand the Oxygen channel. It’s television for women, but every time I flip through there it’s some movie about a woman getting her ass beat. Why that’s entertaining, I’m not sure, but what has been entertaining is my brilliant lead-in to mention that Jennifer Love Hewitt has a new show on there. I’d rather watch a video of the inbred at my Starbucks pissin in the coffee I’m drinking right now than watch a romantic comedy on the Oxygen channel, but hey, I have eclectic taste. And really, all this was just an excuse to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt pictures for an hour without my girlfriend scratching my fuckin eyes out. I’ll take my chances writing this article because like every other supermodel, my girlfriend is no genius. Even when she’s sober she can barely read. I likes ’em dumb!

I’m totally ok admitting that I don’t understand the Oxygen channel. It’s television for women, but every time I flip through there it’s some movie about a woman getting her…
Halle Berry changes her mindBy brendonFebruary 11, 2005
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So apparently Halle Berry won’t be wearing million dollar shoes to the Academy Awards. Someone must have pointed out it’s bad form to have a million dollars on your feet while at the same time wearing a black ribbon to show your “concern” over the mountain of dead in Indonesia. But the real victim here is me, cause I’d already written a brilliantly funny story about it. And since I’m too lazy to write something new, I’m posting it anyway:

“Halle Berry will wear diamond encrusted shoes with a net worth of one million dollars to this years Academy Awards. And if it’s not an hour later right now and you’re picking yourself up off the floor, you should probably read that first sentence again, cause I said “million dollar shoes.” It’s almost unthinkable. I didn’t even spend a million dollars on prostitutes last year. In this country. If you’re going to wear million dollar shoes, you might as well stop off somewhere and kick some orphans in the nuts, cause, really, its pretty much the same thing.”

And to think, her selfishness almost cost you the hilarity of this article. Tsk, tsk Halle. Tsk, tsk.

So apparently Halle Berry won’t be wearing million dollar shoes to the Academy Awards. Someone must have pointed out it’s bad form to have a million dollars on your feet…
the Academy AwardsBy brendonJanuary 27, 2005
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It’s 4:04 on the west coast, about an hour before the Academy Awards, and since there’s zero chance of me being smart enough to remember all this stuff tomorrow, I’m just gonna scrawl down whatever occurs to me as I watch this tonight. It’ll kinda be like us hanging out, except I’ll be the only one doing lines of coke off the hips of 18 year old models.

4:08 – Chris Rock hasn’t said a word yet and he’s already a billion times better than Billy Crystal. How any one could like that whiny little fuck baffles me. You could strap me down in an oxygen tent filled with nothing by nitrous and chronic then tickle me for an hour and I still wouldn’t laugh at anything Billy Crystal has ever said.

4:11 – If Rock is half as good as Steve Martin or Letterman, this should be great.

4:19 – One of the naked supermodels in my hot tub just asked if we were going to watch the Barbara Walters special. And even though that’s a perfectly reasonable question, she’s not here to think, so I just told her to pipe down.

4:20 – Actually I might have watched the Barbara Walters special except I don’t have a time machine that can take me to a point when Barbara Walters had a relevant thought in her fuckin head.

4:40 – I remember watching one of these and someone asked Conan O’Brien where he got his tuxedo and he said Sears. I always thought that was pretty cool, cause Sears does have pretty nice clothes. I get almost all of my Garfield stuff there.

4:43 – Spike Lee really is an idiot. And tonight he looks like a drag queen. Even guys at Pride Week would look at those glasses and tell him to butch it up a little.

4:55 – We’re about to start here, so my official stance on the Oscars is that they’re insufferable. Billionaires handed hundred thousand dollar outfits and fawning all over each other, then inevitably bawling like a retarded kid who spilled his Pepsi is pretty hard to stomach.

At the same time, no matter what you do, it’s nice to be told that your work has been noticed and your peers think you do a good job. So, to me, being nominated really is the prize. But being called the best in a subjective field like film is arrogance at an almost offensive level.

4:58 – What I said above is mostly about the actors. In the book ‘Hollywood Interrupted’, Trey Parker from South Park said, “People wonder why we rip on celebrities, when all around there are pages of shit glorifying celebrities like Winona Ryder. And celebrities view themselves as the fucking Mozarts of their time. Even fucking Ray Ramono thinks hes an enlightened individual. These people all think they’re enlightened artists and therefore speak for the country. But I haven’t met one celebrity who wasn’t a little bit fucked up. Actors and actresses are the worst, because they’re just fucking monkeys. Half the people in this country could do what they do but for some reason they think they’re opinion matters.”

5:02 – If anyone didn’t realize that there’s a heavy black influence to this years show, Star Jones and her fat ass will be more than happy to remind you. Oh, and she’s from New York. And she’s fat.

5:12 – I’m almost positive at this point that Hillary Swank is some kind of robot shape-shifter from the future. Every time I see her she looks just a little bit different. Which is exactly the kind of mistake a robot shape-shifter from the future would make. Because they don’t understand love. One minute she looks borderline hot, the next I’m ashamed of myself for wanting to fuck a retarded girl. I’m joking of course. I’m actually a little turned on by the idea.

5:19 – Kirsten Dunst. I hate you.

5:34 – Johnny Depp looks like he’s in the Fantastic Four.

5:35 – Chris Rock cursed on the third word he said. I love this guy. But the crowd is gonna hate him cause he’s not kissin their ass.

5:47 – I really hope Thomas Haden Church wins Best Supporting Actor. I don’t know if anyone else remembers a show called Ned and Stacy. It was only on Fox for like 10 minutes and it was him and Debra Messing. I think I was in high school, or maybe not yet, it wasn’t on long, but I remember he had a scene one time where he was arguing with Stacy and he got this Bond villain look on his face and he tapped his fingers together and he said, “but then how will I ever build my underwater city.” It was so random and pointless and had nothing to do with anything. I’m sure no on else thinks that’s funny – because I cant tell stories worth a damn – but it’s pretty much the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve loved jokes like that ever since.

I did warn you that this wasn’t gonna be funny, right? Oh, well I should have.

6:01 – Joan Rivers. Botox. “You go girl”. J Edgar Hoover. Brando doing Elmer Fudd.

Does Robin Williams have any fuckin idea what year it is. If anyone thinks he’s funny, leave this site and never come back. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever been kicked in the balls by a donkey, but I’m pretty sure it would be more enjoyable than having to listen to Robin Williams.

6:07 – I really thought that grace, dignity, self-respect and talent were an impediment to success in pop music lately. But Beyonce has done pretty well for herself, so I guess not. That first performance was fuckin amazing. But since I’m a shallow prick, I’m gonna point out that if her ass gets any bigger, she should change her name to buoyancy.

6:22 – Natalie Portman looks like she was made in a lab. And if that came out as a compliment, I should probably rephrase it cause I didn’t mean it too. It’s like I can tell she’s good looking, but I don’t care. She’s too perfect, it’s almost clinical. There’s a coldness to her hotness. And while everyone trembles in the shadows of the brilliance of that last statement, I’m gonna order a pizza.

6:30 – I’m really not feeling that Best Supporting Actress nod. I hate that any gimmicky shtick – like Hoffman in Rain Man, Rush in Shine, Blanchett in the Aviator – is somehow held in higher regard that acting like a real human being, an actual person with all the subtlety that entails. What Virginia Madsen did is infinitely more impressive to me.

6:35 – Alright, this Counting Crows song really sucks. So I’m listening to ‘Call 911’ by Westside Connection. And when I look at the TV it looks like a really inappropriate video. Jesus, I forgot how hard Westside is. Reminds me of when I was a shortie, bangin in my hood just to stay up. Wait, did I say “bangin in my hood just to stay up”, cause I meant to say “ordering curly fries at the country club”.

6:47 – As someone who is flailing away wildly as a failed screenwriter so far, this is really the only part I care about. Sideways was a great choice for Best Adapted Screenplay. And Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the greatest screenplay I’ve ever read, so maybe the academy will get both of these right.

6:51 – Al Pacino is a foot and a half tall.

7:00 – I’ve already jacked off twice to that chick in the silver dress during Sydney Lumets speech.

7:10 – It’s impossible for me to believe that a girl with this much talent dates Jay Z.

7:11 – Jeremy Irons has been funnier than Chris Rock so far. And did that animation guy just throw up a gang sign?

7:25 – I really hope Penelope Cruz was trying to look like that chick from Mars Attacks. I can’t imagine why she would, but its been a remarkable success.

7:26 – Does Jamie Foxx have a tattoo on his fuckin head?

7:32 – The winners recieving their awards in the crowd is really starting to work my nerves. This isn’t Jerry Springer. Yeah, we get it, the technical people aren’t fabulous enough to share the stage with the actors. Jesus, I’m a little surprised you didn’t bring them on stage just so you could push them down the stairs at the end. Maybe have a mud puddle down there too so everyone can laugh and point at the dumb pathetic bastards who weren’t born with perfect cheek bones.

7:34 – The song on the show right now is being sung by Antonio Banderas. And, shockingly, it sucks. The song I’m listening to is by Bumblebeez 81. And it’s called ‘pony ride’. Cause everyone likes pony rides.

7:41 – John Travolta used to come on to me when I was bartending at Hotel Casa del Mar in Santa Monica. I’m not saying he’s gay, I’m just saying that I’m a beautiful man. But he is gay. Really gay. Seriously.

8:00 – It’s nice to see Hollywood and the Academy Awards combat the racial questions of their past with their typical light touch and subtlety.

8:02 – Jimmy Walker, Kid-N-Play and that guy from the Police Academy movies should be on stage any minute now.

8:04 –Sean Penn really is a joyless prick. Sorry if Chris Rock didn’t kiss enough ass for you. God forbid he question you’re rightful place as lord and ruler over all you survey. After all, you’re an actor! Jackass. Seriously, if I ever see you, you better hope we’re not on a trail of some kind cause if there’s a rock around, I’m throwin it at your ass.

8:06 – Okay, I’m back to the Hillary Swank thing. Seriously, why does she look so different every time I see her? It’s like when I watch the Super Friends on Cartoon Network, the one from the 70’s, when the animators were way too stoned to ever draw Wonder Woman the same way twice. She’d have black hair in one scene, blue in the next. D-cups, A-cups. Lasso on the right, lasso on the left, no lasso. You can see the lines of the invisible jet, you can’t see the lines of the invisible jet. One minute she’d have on Superman’s cape, the next she’d be some big black guy, but still in that same outfit. And with the same voice.

I can’t remember why I thought this had anything to do with Hillary Swank.

8:09 – But she is a really good actress.

8:17 – Charlie Kaufman is an absolute fuckin genius. If anyone cares, you can download all of his scripts, including ‘Eternal Sunshine’, here.

8:25 – I really can’t make up my mind about Gweneth Paltrow. Sometimes she looks surprisingly average. And sometimes she looks like she did tonight. Or like this. And that’s pretty damn great.

8:30 – It’s impossible to not like Jamie Foxx.

8:38 – Clint Eastwood still drives a two door GMC Cyclone. That dude is fuckin cool.

9:00 – It’s all about you, isn’t it Barbara. God you’re an insufferable bitch. I’m so glad a former Republican mayor won while you were up there. Too bad you didn’t choke on your tongue as you handed him the prize.

9:01 – Well, Rock was good but not great. Which probably means we’ll be shackled with Billy Crystal and boring predictable ass-kissing next year, just like the Academy likes it.

That’s it for me. Later.

It’s 4:04 on the west coast, about an hour before the Academy Awards, and since there’s zero chance of me being smart enough to remember all this stuff tomorrow, I’m…