Miley Cyrus Is Naked For VBy toddAugust 29, 2014
Miley Cyrus Is Naked For V

 

To raise awareness for teen homelessness, Miley Cyrus is naked in the upcoming issue of V Magazine. No, sorry. That’s incorrect. She’s not naked for that reason. She’s naked for another reason. Unclear what that reason might be, because she’s unattractive.

 

Miley Cyrus V Magazine

  To raise awareness for teen homelessness, Miley Cyrus is naked in the upcoming issue of V Magazine. No, sorry. That’s incorrect. She’s not naked for that reason. She’s naked…

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Anastasia Ashley Is Here For YouBy toddAugust 29, 2014
Anastasia Ashley Is Here For You

 

I’ve subjected you to Roger Goodell and his tone deaf response to domestic violence long enough, so here’s Anastasia Ashley and her perfect self to help your struggle until I post some other stuff, because I care you, the reader. Keep in mind, this is the second consecutive  photo of Anastasia that I’ve posted where I don’t draw specific attention to her equally perfect ass. I don’t know. I feel like I’m growing as a person. Anyway, I hope your Friday goes well. I’m off to live out an imaginary scenario where Anastasia and I go to Panera Bread before we go pick up our first rescue kitten.

  I’ve subjected you to Roger Goodell and his tone deaf response to domestic violence long enough, so here’s Anastasia Ashley and her perfect self to help your struggle until…

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If You’re In The NFL, You Can Only Beat Your Wife Once Now, Maybe TwiceBy toddAugust 28, 2014
If You’re In The NFL, You Can Only Beat Your Wife Once Now, Maybe Twice

 

If you’re in the NFL and smoke weed twice, you get suspended for a year. If you’re in the NFL and  drag your wife out of an elevator by the neck after you knock her unconscious, you get suspended for two games. But that’s okay, because television journalists will let everybody know that maybe that bitch deserved it. Those sound like totally acceptable punishments for those crimes, correct? No? I didn’t think so either. So today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced new disciplinary measures for all NFL employees involved in domestic violence incidents.

In light of the situation involving Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice and subsequent outrage over his two-game suspension, the NFL has announced a much stronger policy for domestic violence and sexual assault. According to Jane McManus of ESPNNewYork.com, citing a letter sent to all 32 NFL owners, offenders will receive a six-game suspension for the first offense and lifetime banishment for the second offense.

With this law, you only get one chance to beat your wife, so make sure it’s for something really important, because if you do it again, you’ll be banished from the NFL for life. Wait, sorry. By “lifetime ban”, they mean “a year”.

In reality, it’s an indefinite ban with a minimum of one year for a second offense on domestic violence or sexual assault.

Whew. At least a year is better than nothing. They’ll have plenty of time to sit and think about what they did while they serve out their punishment. Wait, no they won’t.

NFL’s new domestic violence policy could be challenged via antitrust law: it impacts players’ employment and wasn’t collectively bargained.

So, what have we accomplished here? Nothing. Mostly nothing. Goodell got to send out a letter, because I guess he likes writing letters. I’ll give the NFL some credit for actually acknowledging the problem and not attempting to cover over it unlike some professions, and I hate I even have to point this out, but don’t hit women. Like, just don’t hit them. The only time you should hit a woman is if she just recently turned into a zombie or got possessed by the devil. Those are the only two reasons. If she happened to recently turn into a werewolf or vampire, check to make sure she’s just not on her period first, then if she’s not, run away. Run as fast as you can. Because hitting them then will be pointless and futile, because werewolves and vampires are strong.

 

Addendum:  In Vegas, you can hit a woman if, and only if, the price is agreed upon beforehand.

 

 

 

  If you’re in the NFL and smoke weed twice, you get suspended for a year. If you’re in the NFL and  drag your wife out of an elevator by…

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Robert Pattinson Really Wants To Bang Katy PerryBy toddJune 16, 2014

Hey, here comes another "Robert Pattinson is trying to date Katy Perry" story.

Robert Pattinson and Katy Perry were looking cozy at an LA after-party for his movie “The Rover.” We’re told Perry sneaked into a Loft & Bear vodka-sponsored bash at Whiskey Blue at the W through the kitchen just before midnight and headed for a patio. “Later on, Robert joined her,” said a spy. Another witness said, “They were heavily flirting. At one point, Robert sauntered to the bar with a pal and was heard saying, ‘She’s so [bleeping] hot,’ nodding in Katy’s direction.”

Say what you want about Robert Pattinson playing a vampire who liked glitter and Kristen Stewart, but his great grankids will still be spending that Twilight money. Not that Katy Perry needs his money, but she should consult with her financial advisor to see if dating Robert Pattinson could alleviate a few expenses. She could probably get him to pay her phone bill and give her his Netflix login.

Hey, here comes another "Robert Pattinson is trying to date Katy Perry" story. Robert Pattinson and Katy Perry were looking cozy at an LA after-party for his movie “The Rover.”…

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Kim Kardashian Has A Butt Gym In Her HouseBy toddJune 16, 2014
Kim Kardashian Has A Butt Gym In Her House

Of course she does.

Have you ever heard of a "booty room"? Neither had we until we stumbled upon a rumor today that actually seems kind of believable given the recent Kimye happenings. Nevermind walls of roses or wedding celebrations at Versailles, outlets are reporting a rumor that Kim Kardashian has dedicated an entire room in her new Bel-Air mansion to beautifying, toning, and pampering her butt, and they're calling it a "booty room." So what does that involve exactly? Butt-toning gym equipment, including the ProForm Booty Firm, the Yukon Fitness Butt, and Thigh Shaper, the Suzanne Somers Buttmaster, and a range of butt-toning belts and resistance bands, the reports are saying. It doesn't stop there. There's also talk of a cellulite-busting "area" (whatever that means) and a bum-spa (whatever that means).

So does she just hang laundry in this room or what, because her ass has looked like a busted can of biscuits for like 10 years. You don't need a room in your house for that, you need outpatient surgery and a recovery room with candles. And while you're there you can give Ashley Greene the keys and wow that banner picture looks really Photoshopped.

Of course she does. Have you ever heard of a "booty room"? Neither had we until we stumbled upon a rumor today that actually seems kind of believable given the…

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Jennifer Lopez Is Twerking NowBy toddJune 16, 2014

 

Usually when a 44-year old woman picks up on a dance for the first time, it's at a wedding after two bottles of wine and the dance she's learning has only been done at weddings for like two years. On the other hand, if any ass was put here to be posted on YouTube twerking, it should be Jennifer Lopez's, right? I feel like it should be Jennifer Lopez's. We should all be in agreement on this.

  Usually when a 44-year old woman picks up on a dance for the first time, it's at a wedding after two bottles of wine and the dance she's learning…

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Miley Cyrus Is ToplessBy toddJune 16, 2014
Miley Cyrus Is Topless

 

Well, this picture now exists I guess. I don't know if it speaks to me on any sort of emotional level or whatever, but it does kinda let me know that Lana Del Rey recently hooked Miley up with her heroin dealer.

  Well, this picture now exists I guess. I don't know if it speaks to me on any sort of emotional level or whatever, but it does kinda let me…

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Wait, Han Solo Really Did Break His HipBy toddJune 16, 2014
Wait, Han Solo Really Did Break His Hip

 

Pictured: Rick Deckard and Rachael Not pictured: Han Solo

 

I was kidding, but not really I guess. Everything is basically broken on Harrison Ford now.

Harrison Ford’s injuries on the “Star Wars: Episode VII” set could be worse than previously reported. Ford, who plays Han Solo, broke his ankle Thursday when the door of a set fell on him at a British movie studio, but some news outlets claimed Saturday the actor, 71, also injured his pelvis. Ford had “pelvis injuries and may have had a chest X-ray,” an insider told the Sun newspaper.

Ok, Harrison Ford is 71. At 71 I'm guessing the hip kinda becomes hit or miss. So what exactly are they making him do, push the Millennium Falcon? I'm not understanding what's going on here. Just film all his scences in a chair. Why are we making this difficult? But as long as his arm is ok he can go pitch for the Braves.

  Pictured: Rick Deckard and Rachael Not pictured: Han Solo   I was kidding, but not really I guess. Everything is basically broken on Harrison Ford now. Harrison Ford’s injuries…

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Mila Kunis Will Have A Shredded VaginaBy toddJune 13, 2014
Mila Kunis Will Have A Shredded Vagina

 

In the July 2014 issue of Marie Claire, Mila Kunis talks about being pregnant and how big her boobs are now then this. Why always this?

“Two people are allowed in my delivery room. My doctor and my significant other. And he is staying above the action. He’ll be head to head. Not head to vag. Unless he wants to risk his life and see. But I wouldn’t if I were him. I highly doubt he wants to see that being ripped apart and shredded. Because it will be shredded. It’s just a matter of how badly.”

I'm not really sure about this post because what she said actually makes me like her more, but then I realize she's telling me to visualize her vagina being shredded. Are we talking like barbecue or tacos, because there are things I can associate with those so we can get past this.

  In the July 2014 issue of Marie Claire, Mila Kunis talks about being pregnant and how big her boobs are now then this. Why always this? “Two people are…

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Hey There, Good Lookin’By toddJune 13, 2014

My boo likes her some coffee, so here's some pictures of Ashley Greene in Soho, well, drinking coffee. And walking! Don't forget walking. Walking in those short ass shorts. Maybe I should have opened with that. In hindsight, that's way more interesting than the coffee angle I took. I mean, I guess it all depends on what kind of coffee it is though. I'm an iced Americano guy myself. I find they are refreshing and give me a solid boost of energy in the morning. Glad we talked about this. I feel like you know more about me now. We're really opening up to each other. I like it. Text me later.

My boo likes her some coffee, so here's some pictures of Ashley Greene in Soho, well, drinking coffee. And walking! Don't forget walking. Walking in those short ass shorts. Maybe…

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