Eh, Why NotBy toddAugust 25, 2009

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Heidi Montag was in a bikini doing whatever the hell she does on a beach in the Bahamas this weekend, and as much as I hate her, I’d probably hit it. Who am I kidding? For the past two weeks my penis has been like a lion that just escaped from the zoo. If you have a body like this you might as well be a limping gazelle.

Heidi Montag was in a bikini doing whatever the hell she does on a beach in the Bahamas this weekend, and as much as I hate her, I’d probably hit…

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Screw You, GwynethBy toddAugust 24, 2009

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Just in case you wanted more reason to hate Gwyneth Paltrow, she now has a 33 room house. The Daily Mail reports:

Madonna has done it and Jamie Oliver too. Now Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin have become the latest celebrities to spread out into the house next door. After snapping up the property adjoining their London home, the couple are to create a £7million superhouse with 33 rooms.Pictures submitted with a planning application show the couple’s garden with a slide for daughter Apple, five, and son Moses, three. Plans show they intend to knock through the connecting walls to create eight rooms on the lower ground floor, six on the upper ground, five on the first floor and eight on the second floor. A two-storey extension at the side of the existing house includes a gym, changing room, three bedrooms and a bathroom. The couple moved out of the house in May to spend time in America. They own several other homes, including one in the Hamptons, near New York, but see the London property as their base because they want the children to have a British education. A neighbour said: ‘It will be a massive house. What they have already is a substantial family home, but to double and add a bit on will make it a real mansion.”

I’m not gonna lie, spelling and grammar are my white whale, but I’m not really sure that a British education would have helped that. Mostly because I’m a dumbass, but mainly because spelling shit with a “u” is retarded and based on movies I’ve seen, British kids have buckles on their shoes and tie their books together with belts. They also walk with canes and will die unless The Ghost of Christmas Future shows Scrooge how sick they are. What the hell is going on over there?!

And again, I have no idea what these pictures of Jenna Jameson have to do with Gwyneth Paltrow other than the fact that they aren’t of Gwyneth Paltrow. BTW, I don’t know if “Jenna Jamseon” gave it away, but these are NSFW:

Just in case you wanted more reason to hate Gwyneth Paltrow, she now has a 33 room house. The Daily Mail reports: Madonna has done it and Jamie Oliver too….

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Emma Roberts Is A FreakBy toddAugust 24, 2009

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If you’ve ever starred on a Disney or Nickelodeon show, it’s only a matter of time before you become a sexual deviant. So, um, hey there Emma Roberts. What’s up? Page Six reports:

IT sounds like Emma Roberts is really into her boyfriend, Dathan Kuppin. The Nickelodeon actress and niece of Julia Roberts went to the hit Broadway musical “Rock of Ages” last weekend, where a spy reports, she brought Kuppin backstage during intermission. His neck was covered with hickeys, and he wore a tank top to show them off.” The source said Roberts was snubbing the cast and “didn’t talk to anyone, even though she came back to take pictures with them.” The couple left before the second act.

Covered in hickeys? Whatever, dude. All State has me covered in case of fire, accident, flood, or theft! I’m the big winner!

Emma Roberts on the set of Valentine’s Day:

If you’ve ever starred on a Disney or Nickelodeon show, it’s only a matter of time before you become a sexual deviant. So, um, hey there Emma Roberts. What’s up?…

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Calm Down, She’s DeadBy toddAugust 24, 2009
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I guess knowing the only reason you're on this site is because you got brutally murdered isn't much consolation, but here's Jasmine Fiore, a model who was chopped up and dumped in a trash bin by her husband, reality contestant (Megan Wants a Millionaire) Ryan Jenkins. I didn't really cover this, because really, it was too depressing. I'm only posting it now because I'm bored and she's in a bikini and her piece of shit husband hanged himself last night. Men who kill women and kids deserve every bit of hate and pain imaginable, so hopefully this asshole suffered when he died. If not, maybe we can resurrect him and pull him apart by horses just to be safe.

I guess knowing the only reason you're on this site is because you got brutally murdered isn't much consolation, but here's Jasmine Fiore, a model who was chopped up and…
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Katherine Heigl…Well, You KnowBy toddAugust 24, 2009

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Katherine Heigl and her whipped husband went shopping for strollers yesterday, and as you see, she spent all day with a lollipop shoved in her mouth. I realize I’m supposed to make some lame sexual joke right about now, but please keep in mind you’re looking at Katherine Heigl. It’s hard to get turned on when know that after she finished she called a reporter and wrote a 10-page letter to the candy company complaining that the lollipop was sexist and made more money than her.

Katherine Heigl and her whipped husband went shopping for strollers yesterday, and as you see, she spent all day with a lollipop shoved in her mouth. I realize I’m supposed…

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LeAnn Rimes Dresses AppropriatelyBy toddAugust 23, 2009

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I’m not gonna lie, I barely know who Leann Rimes is. Mostly because I don’t listen to music about barbecues and incest. But she was leaving a salon in Beverly Hills yesterday and whatever the hell she’s wearing decided it didn’t want to cover her panties anymore. Awesome. Maybe tomorrow she can have her picture taken knitting a sweater or putting a glass on a coaster. You know, so we can all relive the excitement of this moment.

I’m not gonna lie, I barely know who Leann Rimes is. Mostly because I don’t listen to music about barbecues and incest. But she was leaving a salon in Beverly…

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Brad Pitt Is A CommercialBy toddAugust 22, 2009

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As you already know, a lot of actors star in commercials for overseas companies because if you want an extra Gulfstream to carry your dogs around on vacation, the Japanese will pay you like $2M to pimp watches or banks. Like Brad Pitt is doing here for Softbank. Usually anything on Japanese television is sheer, unadulterated insanity, so prepare to be disappointed. I didn’t really know what a Sumo wrestler and Brad Pitt riding on tricycles with a Komodo dragon on their heads trying to eat the most marshmallows in the allotted time had to do with a bank, but I fully expecting to see that.

As you already know, a lot of actors star in commercials for overseas companies because if you want an extra Gulfstream to carry your dogs around on vacation, the Japanese…

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Damn, AlexisBy toddAugust 21, 2009

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Alexis Bledel looks just like my ex-girlfriend’s best friend Jessica except with brown hair, smaller ears, and a bigger ass, so you can see how me masturbating to these can be a little awkward. Much unlike those pictures that your fiancee sent me.

Alexis Bledel looks just like my ex-girlfriend’s best friend Jessica except with brown hair, smaller ears, and a bigger ass, so you can see how me masturbating to these can…
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Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman Are Gonna Have SexBy toddAugust 21, 2009

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I can think of worse things than Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman having sex. In fact, I can think of a lot of worse things. So, if I could buy my ticket for Black Swan right now, chances are very favorable that I would. Script Editor reports:

“Can I just tell you why none of my review matters? Can I just tell you why my review is absolutely pointless? Because in this movie, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have sex,” the review reads. “Yeah. You read that right. And not just nice sweet innocent sex either. We’re talking ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex. Yeah so…this movie is already on the must-see list of 2010.”

Darren Aronofsky is a damn genius, and when you can get Jennifer Connelly to fuck another girl with a double-sided dildo then get Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman to go down on each other, you should probably be paraded down the street like Xerses.

I can think of worse things than Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman having sex. In fact, I can think of a lot of worse things. So, if I could buy…

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