John Edwards Is Indicted, A DouchebagBy jessJune 03, 2011

Former vice-presidential candidate John Edwards was charged with a slew of shit this week. From The Huffington Post:

A federal grand jury indicted two-time presidential candidate John Edwards on Friday over $925,000 spent to keep his mistress and their baby in hiding during the peak of his 2008 campaign for the White House.

The case of USA v. Johnny Reid Edwards contains six counts, including conspiracy, four counts of illegal campaign contributions and one count of false statements.

The indictment said the payments were a scheme to protect Edwards’ White House ambitions. “A centerpiece of Edwards’ candidacy was his public image as a devoted family man,” the indictment said.

“Edwards knew that public revelation of the affair and the pregnancy would destroy his candidacy by, among other things, undermining Edwards’ presentation of himself as a family man and by forcing his campaign to divert personnel and resources away from other campaign activities to respond to criticism and media scrutiny regarding the affair and pregnancy,” the indictment added.

The indictment and an arrest warrant were filed in Greensboro, N.C., which is in the district where his campaign was headquartered.

Negotiations between Edwards’ attorneys and federal prosecutors to settle on a charge to which Edwards was willing to plead guilty continued through Thursday, but proved fruitless, according to people with knowledge of the negotiations. Prosecutors had insisted on a plea to a felony, which would endanger his ability to keep his license to practice law.

A federal grand jury indicted two-time presidential candidate John Edwards on Friday over $925,000 spent to keep his mistress and their baby in hiding during the peak of his 2008 campaign for the White House.

The case of USA v. Johnny Reid Edwards contains six counts, including conspiracy, four counts of illegal campaign contributions and one count of false statements.

The indictment said the payments were a scheme to protect Edwards’ White House ambitions. “A centerpiece of Edwards’ candidacy was his public image as a devoted family man,” the indictment said.

“Edwards knew that public revelation of the affair and the pregnancy would destroy his candidacy by, among other things, undermining Edwards’ presentation of himself as a family man and by forcing his campaign to divert personnel and resources away from other campaign activities to respond to criticism and media scrutiny regarding the affair and pregnancy,” the indictment added.

The indictment and an arrest warrant were filed in Greensboro, N.C., which is in the district where his campaign was headquartered.

Negotiations between Edwards’ attorneys and federal prosecutors to settle on a charge to which Edwards was willing to plead guilty continued through Thursday, but proved fruitless, according to people with knowledge of the negotiations. Prosecutors had insisted on a plea to a felony, which would endanger his ability to keep his license to practice law.

An Edwards spokeswoman said she wasn’t aware of the filing and declined immediate comment.

The indictment is the culmination of a federal investigation that lasted more than two years and scoured through virtually every corner of Edwards’ political career. That included his political action committees, a nonprofit and a so-called 527 independent political group. It even examined whether he did anything improper during his time in the U.S. Senate, which ended seven years ago.

But the centerpiece of the investigation has long been the hundreds of thousands of dollars privately provided by two wealthy Edwards supporters
– his former campaign finance chairman Fred Baron and Rachel “Bunny” Mellon, the 100-year-old widow of banking heir Paul Mellon. That money eventually went to keep mistress Rielle Hunter and her out-of-wedlock baby in hiding in 2007 and 2008, during the apex of the Democratic nomination campaign.

The indictment refers to $725,000 in payments made by Mellon and another $200,000 made by Baron. It said the money was used to pay for Hunter’s living and medical expenses and for chartered airfare, luxury hotels and rental for a house in Santa Barbara, Calif., to keep her hidden from the public.

It accused Edwards of lying when he told the media he never knew about any payments.

Former campaign staffer Andrew Young, who initially claimed paternity of Hunter’s child, has said Edwards was aware of the private financial support that helped keep the mistress satisfied and secluded. Prosecutors believe the private gifts should have been considered campaign contributions since they aided his candidacy.

To summarize: John Edwards allegedly used campaign funds to hide his butterface mistress from not only the public, but also from his dying wife. To be fair, he’s innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, but in the court of public opinion, it’s pretty safe to assume he’s sentenced to the chair. Or to eternal teabagging by Rush Limbaugh.

Former vice-presidential candidate John Edwards was charged with a slew of shit this week. From The Huffington Post: A federal grand jury indicted two-time presidential candidate John Edwards on Friday…

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Olivia Wilde Is WantedBy toddJanuary 12, 2010

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Although she looks like a pleasure model replicant made by the Tyrell Corporation (“More Human Than Human”, that’s our motto), Olivia Wilde showed up to the FOX All-Star party seemingly unnoticed by government officials that she escaped her off-world colony. She apparently didn’t care about the Earth ban and committed crimes of being sexy among actual humans. I’m not gonna lie, if I saw this walking towards me, I wouldn’t never whether to fuck her or take her back to my lab and study her. Why did you come here?! What do you want with us??!!!

Although she looks like a pleasure model replicant made by the Tyrell Corporation (“More Human Than Human”, that’s our motto), Olivia Wilde showed up to the FOX All-Star party seemingly…

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Jennifer Lopez Is DelusionalBy toddJanuary 12, 2010

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I don’t know what the terror alert level should be raised to in cases like this, but somebody should probably look that up, because Jennifer Lopez just threatened to stay in show business until she’s 71. Mirror.co.uk reports:

I’ll be doing some form of this when I’m 71. This is what I do. What, because I have kids and a husband I’m not supposed to be me? I’m hyper J.Lo. Everything I wanted before, I want twice as much now. Not material things – but to explore and think more. Being an artist doesn’t start because you’re 21 and it doesn’t end because you’re 51. You are who you are until the day you die. You need that time to grow,” she told US Elle. “You can’t be, ‘Oh, I’m out of the public, I’m going to have to make a comeback’.” The dancer-turned-singerturned-actress added: “My manager swears I should direct. I’m like, ‘I’m not ready. Maybe when I’m 71.’

And if by “some form” she means standing on a forklift and holding a megaphone in the middle of South Bronx counting down so the giant jalapeno can drop to welcome in 2031, then okay. But directing movies? No so much. Especially when your whole career is based on a gigantic ass and blowing Diddy to get a record deal. A clubbed seal has a better chance to direct a movie than Jennifer Lopez.

My penis would allow me to download and edit one Jennifer Lopez picture, so here’s Jamie Gunns in lingerie. I apologize for him. He has exacting tastes and only accepts the finest cuts of vagina.

I don’t know what the terror alert level should be raised to in cases like this, but somebody should probably look that up, because Jennifer Lopez just threatened to stay…

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Whalewatching LinksBy toddJanuary 11, 2010


Fuck you, Derek Jeter [Popeater]
Scarlett Johansson in leopard print [Popoholic]
Blake Lively’s breasts are in Green Lantern [The Superficial]
Amanda Seyfried is naked [Fatback Media]
If you haven’t bought Six Degrees of Paris Hilton yet, kill yourself. [Amazon]
Shauna Sand is see through, disgusting [TaxiDriver Movie]
Amanda Bynes is in Maxim [Egostastic]
Super Mario Texts From Last Night [College Humor]
Tila Tequila was lying [Celebslam]
Miss COED: Kelly Bentley. God Bless America [COED Magazine]
The A-Team trailer is god awful [Cele|bitchy]
Twoobs [Cityrag]
Maria Kanellis is stacked [Heyman Hustle]

Fuck you, Derek Jeter [Popeater] Scarlett Johansson in leopard print [Popoholic] Blake Lively’s breasts are in Green Lantern [The Superficial] Amanda Seyfried is naked [Fatback Media] If you haven’t bought…

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She Didn’t Get Punched Hard EnoughBy toddJanuary 11, 2010
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It really is with no small sense of pride that I say that I have never watched one single episode of The Jersey Shore, and trust me when I say that unless any of these idiots gets beheaded or becomes a suicide bomber, this is the last time any of them will appear on this site. I’m only putting these up because one of the “stars” of the show, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was photographed at an MTV party this weekend. Please take a look at these pictures, because apparently it’s not okay to punch the living shit out of this bitch. I’m glad somebody told me, because I didn’t realize it would be considered violence against women, I just have a thing for punching obnoxious assholes. Sometimes obnoxious assholes have tanning bed lines and tits, sometimes they don’t. I think it’s important as a society that we work diligently to break down the long-standing social injustice that says women can’t get their ass beat for being douchebags. The modern woman has worked hard to earn that right, so why should we take away those civil liberties? Who are you, Nacy Pelosi all of a sudden? Don’t you dare tell Snooki that her obituary can’t include the words “hammer strike” and “temple”. How dare you sir try to legislate a woman’s right to choose?! How dare you sir!

It really is with no small sense of pride that I say that I have never watched one single episode of The Jersey Shore, and trust me when I say…

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Rosie Jones Is AthleticBy toddJanuary 11, 2010

These pictures of Rosie Jones will lead you to believe that she's an active tennis player, but the discerning eye will notice that her perfect tits are hanging out, so I really don't think she plays tennis. At least not the kind of tennis that you play at the country club with Buffy and Blain. God, why do you have to be so stuck up? You think you're better that me, is that what you think?!

 

Note: Whoever makes the best one up in the comment section gets a prize! And by "prize", I mean the satisfaction of knowing that instead of doing your job, you're online thinking of tennis jokes about some chick's tits. Awesome!

These pictures of Rosie Jones will lead you to believe that she's an active tennis player, but the discerning eye will notice that her perfect tits are hanging out, so…

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Hugh Jackman is Not GayBy toddApril 23, 2009

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I’m not even sure who asked, but Hugh Jackman wants everybody know he isn’t gay. Apparently when you’re really into musical theater and prance around on stage playing a gay dude, people might get the wrong idea. Us Magazine reports:

“I’d be happy to go and deny it, because I’m not,” he says in this Sunday’s Parade magazine. “But by denying it, I’m saying there is something shameful about it, and there isn’t anything shameful.” “The questions about sexuality I find more here in America than anywhere else, because it’s a big hang-up and defines what people think about themselves and others,” the actor, 40, adds. “It’s not a big issue in Australia.”

Hugh didn’t really help his case when he hosted the Oscars, but he’s Wolverine, man. Wolverine isn’t gay. If he was he’d wear a cop hat and roller skates. Or smoke his cigar through a gold cigarette holder. Or walk a barefoot teenage Mexican boy in Daisy Dukes around on a leash. I mean, that’s what gays do, right? Of course they do. That’s what momma told me from the Bible.

I’m not even sure who asked, but Hugh Jackman wants everybody know he isn’t gay. Apparently when you’re really into musical theater and prance around on stage playing a gay…

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Links Sound Better Auto-TunedBy daveApril 23, 2009

Yeah, I thought this video sucked to. Then Katie Couric rocked my world at about 1:22 [EbaumNation]

Vanessa Hudgens and Lindsay Lohan might be starring in a film together. A film I will put on mute and watch with porno music playing in the background. [FatBackMedia]

Texas is going to hold a Twilight convention. Because everything is bigger in Texas, especially the tweens who lust after Robert Pattinson. And the ones who read. And by “big” I mean “fat.” Harry Potter chick 4 lyfe. [ImNotObsessed]

UsWeekly had a Hot Hollywood Style party and while we weren’t there to collect the pics ICYDK was. [DrunkenStepfather]

After the Brad-leaving-Angie rumors of earlier this week, Angelina Jolie wore a big black dress on the street. Who smells pregnancy rumors? [LaineyGossip]

Yeah, I thought this video sucked to. Then Katie Couric rocked my world at about 1:22 [EbaumNation] Vanessa Hudgens and Lindsay Lohan might be starring in a film together. A…

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Jamie Foxx is Getting SuedBy toddApril 22, 2009

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In a lawsuit filed yesterday in L.A. County Superior Court, William Presler claims he was severely injured at a 2007 party that was hosted by Foxx. The incident happened at Social in Hollywood where Presler was working the bar. The bar that was made completely out of ice. TMZ reports:

Presler claims drunk guests dropped their drinks around the bar and glass shattered everywhere. He claims he tried cleaning it up but was told to leave it be. Presler says the manager preferred kicking the glass along the side of the ice bar. At the end of the party, Presler says he slipped, fell and landed on the shattered glass, severely injuring himself. He needed 170 stitches to repair the damage to the severed nerves in his left hand. Presler says he obtained a neuroscience degree and was forced to abandoned his career to become a brain surgeon due to the damage in his left hand.

Jamie Foxx is a self-aggrandizing douchebag, but I’m not really sure what he has to do with this. I don’t know, maybe he did. Maybe he threw down a banana peel or hired Jerry’s cousin Muscles to push this dude down. Or I don’t know, maybe the guy should have realized he was walking on a fuckin sheet of ICE and shards of glass and been more careful. Like when I bury prostitutes.

In a lawsuit filed yesterday in L.A. County Superior Court, William Presler claims he was severely injured at a 2007 party that was hosted by Foxx. The incident happened at…

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Touch My Were-Links, No Homo.By daveApril 22, 2009

Hey ladies (or – you know – whomever)! Check out the shirtless Wolf Pack from New Moon, the Twilight sequel. I’m never gonna hear the end of linking this for you, so you should totally click it. [USAToday]

Fake drama of the week? Brad moving out on Angelina Jolie. [ICYDK]

Mia Farrow is going on a hunger strike, which I would have cared about…oh…20 years ago? [ImNotObsessed]

Aubrey O’Day upskirts are still kind of thrilling even though I wouldn’t touch Aubrey without disinfecting her. Site NSFW [TaxiDriverMovie]

That is Gavin Rossdale hanging out with a dude in a dress right? I really can’t tell which on is the man. Wait, both?!?! [BWE]

I want this BBQ & Foot Massage place to be real. [CityRag]

Can we pause a moment to look at Rihanna (more…)

Hey ladies (or – you know – whomever)! Check out the shirtless Wolf Pack from New Moon, the Twilight sequel. I’m never gonna hear the end of linking this for…

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