Hey there, people. It’s Thanksgiving. The day we celebrate America’s first Alt-Right Convention. Good times. Hope you spend the day with the people you love, and if you’re not, I hope you have lots of wine. You can tell me all about it on Monday.
In case you need further proof that New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez murdered Odin Lloyd execution style, he was denied bail today. TMZ reports:
NFL star and murder suspect Aaron Hernandez has just been denied bail … meaning he'll rot behind bars until his trial … and that could take forever. Hernandez was present in court today for a bail review hearing, where his lawyer begged the judge to release Hernandez from custody while he awaits trial. But the judge wasn't moved by his arguments — that Hernandez is an upstanding citizen and family man with no flight risk — claiming the prosecution already had very strong evidence that Hernandez had committed the crime.
We can say say he is an "upstanding citizen" and "family man with no flight risk", but let's remember that he has millions that a non-extradition country's economy would welcome. Also, he was probably denied bail over the little fact that HE'S A SUSPECT IN A 2012 DOUBLE MURDER NOW
There are reports that Hernandez is being investigated about a shooting incident from July 2012 — when two men were killed in a late-night drive-by in Boston. We reached out to the Suffolk County District Attorney … and a rep for the office would only confirm there is an "active investigation" into the case. When we pushed and asked if Hernandez was a person of interest … the rep had no comment. However, one source close to the situation tells us, "It's safe to assume he is now involved."
I think a good question for everybody right now is who hasn't Aaron Hernadez killed? Lawyers should make commercials about this dude like they do about mesothelioma and asbestos.
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America has Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lady Gaga. England has Kelly Brook, Rosie Jones, Keeley Hazell, and Cheryl Cole. If those two sentences don’t make you want to shoot yourself in the stomach then jump into a lion cage enough already, then please realize that Cheryl Cole might die of malaria soon. Daily Star reports:
The star is being treated for falciparum, which expert David Mabey called “the kind that can kill you”. Mr Mabey, from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, added: “Other forms are milder.” Cheryl contracted the disease on a trip to Tanzania with dance hunk Derek Hough, 25. She has pulled out of filming this weekend’s X Factor audition in Manchester. Worried show boss Simon Cowell, 50, said: “We’re all thinking of Cheryl but she shouldn’t come back until she’s well enough. The important thing is to take care of her health and strength.”
My penis isn’t really capable of flying at half mast, but if it could, today might be the day. Look at the banner pic. Now look two posts down. One has an infectious viral disease, and the other more than likely fell asleep last night without taking her butt plug out. I don’t know how angry this makes you, but the only thing keeping me from ripping my shirt off like The Hulk is the manicure I got yesterday. I find that paraffin wax allows for deeper absorption of emollients and essential oils.
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Even God has been checking his watch the last three years wondering when the hell Lindsay Lohan would finally be held accountable for her actions, and yesterday it finally happened. It could have been way worse, but according to Dina Lohan, Lindsay apparently just had a number burned on her arm.
Dina Lohan watched in disbelief as her daughter Lindsay was sentenced Tuesday to 90 days in jail for violating terms of probation over a three-year-old drug case. “This is so not fair to do this to my child,” a flabbergasted Dina Lohan told PopEater exclusively shortly after Judge Marsha Revel made the announcement.
Enabling cunts aside, one of the terms of Lindsay’s probation is that she is not allowed to take drugs. Someone should tell her dentist. TMZ reports:
According to sources familiar with Lindsay’s most recent probation report, LiLo has a prescription for Dilaudid — an extremely powerful painkiller … often compared to morphine … and even heroin. As long as she has the prescription, Lohan is in the clear to pop the painkiller — presuming she follows the dosage guidelines. We’re told a doctor wrote the prescription after Lindsay’s recent dental surgery. We do not know the quantity the doctor prescribed. But as we first reported, that’s not all she’s allowed to have in her medicine cabinet — Lindsay also has prescriptions for two other drugs — Ambien and Adderall.
First of all, if any of you feel even slightly sorry for Lindsay Lohan. Fuck yourself. Seriously. Shit in your hand, fuck yourself, then jump into a nuclear reactor. She’s a narcissistic sociopath who has pissed and snorted away every single chance she has ever been given and repeatedly laughed in the face of the law. She should be licking the judge’s ass for not burying her under the jail. Secondly, did Lindsay’s dental insurance only cover going back in time to a Civil War field hospital? Is this the only dentists in her network? I broke my collarbone and all they gave me was a Midol. The only reason you need to be prescribed Dilaudid is if you get attacked by a werewolf.
Note: Oh by the way, if you’re wondering if Lindsay took court seriously yesterday or thought for one minute that she’d do anything but walk out of the courtroom with another slap on the wrist, check out her nails in this picture. You’ll be glad you did.
Oh boo hoo:
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HILARIOUS UPDATE: While Lindsay was in the courtroom elevator, her freckled ass got served with legal papers in a civil suit by a process server working for Tough As Nails, a company that Lindsay owes $17,000 for clothes and accessories. “MUAHAHAHAHA!!!”, God was overheard as saying.
Lindsay is in court as I’m typing this, but don’t worry. Everything will be okay.
Multiple sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ … as far as Lindsay’s concerned, any missteps she may have made in the past are completely cured. She’s now up to date on all her alcohol ed classes, so, she thinks, what’s the big deal? What Lindsay does not understand is that Judge Revel could indeed throw her in the pokey for missing three alcohol ed classes as of her last court appearance. And the whole thing of not showing up in court because the dog/thief ate her passport could be a deal breaker as well. The people close to her tell us … Lindsay has become so accustomed to good lawyers bailing her out of seemingly impossible situations, she simply expects the same thing to happen again. As one source put it, “Shawn [her lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley] will just fix this like everything else.” The source adds, “It’s no big deal to her, even though she totally believes Judge Revel hates her guts.” But even if Lindsay gets thrown in the pokey, people close to her think she’d be fine. As one source put it, “She is one tough bitch. She can hold her own.”
As much as I hate to say this, Lindsay has a point. She’s had multiple DUIs, been found with cocaine, has been on video snorting coke in a bathroom, had her picture taken with coke on the table next to her, has fled the scene of a crime, and has stolen from everywhere that’ll let her through the door. And she’s spent a total of 84 minutes in jail. I would cut my own heart out of my chest and set it on fire while I blew Adam Lambert if Lindsay’s father was named Abdul right now.
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At this point, Jessica Simpson’s career is a body wrapped in a tarp that just got found on the bank of a river, but at least her love life is going well.
Sources tell TMZ Jessica is dating ex San Francisco 49ers tight end Eric Johnson. He last played for the New Orleans Saints back in 2008. Johnson split from his wife earlier this year, filing for divorce in February. Simpson — whose show, “The Price of Beauty,” returns to VH1 in 2011 — began dating Johnson in May. A source tells us they are “very happy.”
As much as I hate the Kardashians, Kim’s last boyfriend just won a Super Bowl and her new boyfriend ( wide receiver Miles Austin) spends Sundays trying to catch overthrown balls with the Dallas Cowboys. Her sister, Grape Ape, is married to a 2010 NBA Champion. On the other hand, Jessica Simpson is dating an ex-tight end who averaged 9.1 yards a game and only scored 9 TD’s in seven years. Mostly because when he stepped on the field he turned into Mr. Glass. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but maybe when he opens his car dealership, Jessica can add the commercial to her IMDB profile. Brightside!
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UPDATE: Ok, this is my last post on this. Instead of asking why this defenseless girl was almost murdered by her own family, it’s become a flame war over culture vs. religion. Fine, it’s a cultural thing. It just so happens that it’s a cultural thing with people where Islam is the primary religion (Southeast, Asia, Middle East, and North Africa). Look, killing someone because of their race, sexual orientation, or because the waiter they were banging returned a pair of eyeglasses is horrific and wrong. But you know what’s more horrific and wrong? Killing a child you raised because she might have offended you somehow by wanting to wear a bikini or a having relationship with a Hindi man. Sorry. Call it want you want, but it is what it is.
An honor killing is the murder of a (typically female) family or clan member by one or more fellow (mostly male) family members, in which the perpetrators (and potentially the wider community) believe the victim to have brought dishonor upon the family, clan, or community. The perceived dishonor is normally the result of the following behaviors, or the suspicion of such behaviors: (a) utilizing dress codes unacceptable to the family/community, (b) wanting to terminate or prevent an arranged marriage or desiring to marry by own choice, or (c) engaging in certain sexual acts, including those with the opposite or same sex. Such killings or attempted killings result from the perception that the defense of honor justifies killing a person whose behavior dishonors their own clan or family.
Oh, by the way, the reason why Harry Potter actress Afshan Azad’s family tried to kill her is now known. Man, what a perfectly good reason that had nothing to do with religion or a map at all!
She was attacked on May 21 because her Muslim family did not approve of her relationship with a Hindu man. They reportedly threatened to kill her if she did not back out of the relationship.
Wait, there’s more. Daily Mail reports:
[Her father and brother] appeared at Manchester Magistrates’ Court on Tuesday and the case was adjourned until July 12 for committal proceedings to crown court. They had been in custody until this week’s court appearance when they were bailed. As part of their bail conditions, they have to abide by an 11pm to 6am curfew and must not travel to London or contact an unnamed man.
Man, I’m so glad all of you gave me geography lessons. I feel so much better about calling her Asian now. Awesome. Now back to the part of the story that actually matters. Her Muslim family tried to kill her because she was dating a Hindu man. Yeah, that sounds reasonable. Is this Hindu man a Sith Lord? Does he kill prostitutes in Whitechapel? I’m gonna take a wild stab and say no. If I feel bad for anyone it’s got to be the father and the brother. They’re not really good Muslims if they can’t kill a defenseless girl right. They might want to turn in their boxcutters and sucide vests, because I don’t think Allah has any virgin boys waiting for them.
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I could win the Powerball, die, be resurrected, then win the Powerball again and still not have as much money as Britney Spears, so if you someone can explain to be why she looks like she’s infected with the rage virus and lives in a trashcan on Sesame Street, that would be awesome. You know what else would awesome? Flying cars.
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Christina Hendricks is famous for her red hair and the things on her chest that could breastfeed the Cloverfield monster. One of these is fake. Stylelist reports:
“I was obsessed with the Canadian novel ‘Anne of Green Gables.’ So my mother said, ‘Let’s just go to the drugstore and get one of those cover-the-gray rinses!’ My hair was very blond at the time, but it went carrot red. And I was over the moon.”
I can’t really picture Hendricks as a blonde, so I guess she was smart to do this. I don’t know. But I don’t understand how rinsing dye out of her hair in a sink made her go over the moon. Does she mean like the cow? Zing! Haha, see what I did there?!
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Heidi Montag was in a bikini doing whatever the hell she does on a beach in the Bahamas this weekend, and as much as I hate her, I’d probably hit it. Who am I kidding? For the past two weeks my penis has been like a lion that just escaped from the zoo. If you have a body like this you might as well be a limping gazelle.