Kris Jenner is trying to squeeze every last bit of use out of the old whores in her stable until Kendall Jenner makes the natural transition to full on porn, so here’s Kourtney Kardashian getting naked even though nobody wants to see it. Because “naked Kardashian” and “pregnancy” are routinely top annual lists of the grossest things in the natural world. I appreciate the fact she has her hand over her vagina in one of the pictures, but she should take my word for it, you really don’t need to guard it. Nobody really wants in. I mean, unless the baby is trying to jump out so it can be stillborn or try to live with another family. These pictures are NSFW for a whole multitude of reasons.
Victoria’s secret is probably knowing you won’t look good as these models in their bras and lingerie, but they want you buy the stuff anyway, so every year they have a fashion show, and gyms across the world can’t wait for it to air, because they’ll see a spike big ass spike in memberships for people who will sign up the day after it airs then go to the gym for a month then not come again, but they’ll be locked into a 12-month contract. That’s a pretty good business model. These ladies here are also good models.
I’ll have all the models up later, but first let’s all take a moment to give thanks for Ariana Grande‘s hot ass performing at the 2014 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. I still wouldn’t be able to recognize one of her songs, but what is the media’s fascination with women’s “songs”? Just another example of the patriarchy forcing unrealistic standards of music and art. Here’s some pictures of her in some tight clothes instead.
Taylor Swift is all about feminism and girl power, until you know, another girl publicly insults her, then of course, like most women, Swift has zero chill and the girl then becomes Taylor Swift’s sworn enemy who she must destroy and not be satisfied until she drinks her blood from a boot. So let’s flashback to last year when Jessica Hart had this to say about Taylor Swift’s performance during the 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.
“God bless her (Taylor Swift’s) heart. I think she’s great. But I don’t know, to me, she didn’t fit. I don’t know if I should say that.”
Doesn’t sound too bad, right? Actually it does, because anybody who lives in the South understands from an early age that “bless your heart” means “go fuck yourself”, because in the civilized parts of the South, we like to insult you, smile, and walk away without making a big deal out of it and with minimal drama. So everything Jessica Hart said after “God bless her heart”, is hollow and meaningless and should be read as, “Fuck her. Her music sucks and they could have picked somebody who doesn’t suck so much. She really fucking sucks. Sorry, not sorry.” Enter 2014. The year where Taylor Swift plays the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show again, but Jessica Hart was passed over to be one of the models.
“It’s not been announced that Jessica is not walking, but it was a direct request from Taylor that this be the case if she were to go,” one well-placed Victoria’s Secret insider tells Confidenti@l. “No one can know that Taylor requested Ms. Hart not be in the show. They want to keep that under wraps, but that’s the facts.”
Well, she wasn’t in the show. so there’s that. For all of Swift’s inspirational and feigned feminism, she basically just walks around waiting for someone to say she might not be a fantastic musical goddess, then she fucks with their employment and lives. Sounds about right. Girl power and all that.
Christmas is about celebrating the birth of a man who wasn’t born in December while simultaneously trying not to go into debt over forced consumerism or remembering it’s the highest suicide rate of the year, because you have to buy your whole family expensive shit even though Jesus only got some oil and some cologne and some gold his parents probably pawned because their kid was sleeping on hay and goat shit and maybe to get Mary into therapy because God Billy Cosby’d her while she was sleeping. Any possibly some anger management for Joseph, because he was all like, “bitch, what?”. Then an angel came down and was like, “bro, chill lol, we didn’t even have to tell you tbh but take care of this kid anyway. btw some people are coming to kill it so I’d probably leave imo”. Then Joseph said, “k”. And then they left. Then nothing happened for 30 years then Jesus did some stuff with a bunch of dudes then he died. Then 2,000 and something years later Kendall Jenner is bent over in lingerie in a Santa Hat. I’m not seeing the connection.
After a week The Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer hit online Friday, and there was a black guy on screen at the beginning, so you knew the reaction was going to go all down hill from there. Specifically, John Boyega (star of one of my favorite movies) in a stormtrooper suit because OMG A BLACK GUY IN A STORMTROOPER SUIT THAT’S UNRELAISTIC BECAUSE THE GUY IN THE SUITS WAS A WHITE GUY. Actually, the guy in a stormtrooper suit is Maori, and Han Solo and Luke Skywalker also wore stormtrooper suits. Also keep in mind that there will be a white guy in a Wookie suit, a Guatemalan flying an X-wing, and several people using laser swords. Also, keep in mind that George Lucas made all this shit up. It isn’t real. That’s probably the best thing to remember. Another good thing to remember is that another movie is coming out on December 12th where an Australian plays Moses and Jesse Pinkman plays one of the 12 spies of Israel, if you want to get mad about that instead. No? Oh, ok. But John Boyega would like to have a word.
You’re probably checking your corporate dress code to see if cotton-blend spandex is business casual since you ate like 250,000 calories this weekend because you secretly hate yourself, so here’s Miranda Kerr modeling the new WonderBra and basically being what your boyfriend or husband thinks about when she’s banging you while trying to avoid your face because it smells like gravy. Wait, what are you doing? That dress doesn’t fit anymore put it away. Stop making this worse on yourself. This is getting really embarrassing.
If you want to feel even worse, check the video after the jump.
Nina Agdal is butt ass naked (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Bai Ling is still alive and gives no damns (NSFW) Taxi Driver Movie
A puppy sings “Let It Go” Dlisted
A moment with Taylor Godfrey Hollywood Tuna
Emily Ratajkowski lingerie pics for days Popoholic
Minka Kelly probably got paid to wear this Moe Jackson
If you ever wanted to know wanted to know what sex with Hugh Hefner was like Fishwrapper
Kirk Cameron‘s Christmas movie lol The Superficial
Chris Brown and Rihanna attended the Grammy together and Brown wore white because he's Jesus and Rihanna wore red because women are the devil and she's a succubus who made Brown stomp her head in the street because nobody can know he's gay. Not even his girlfriend. So, things are probably going well tonight because Frank Ocean beat Brown in some category. Not to tell her how she should live her life, but Rihanna should set her alarm to wake her up every 15 minutes to see if she can still move her arms and smell kerosene.
Photo credit = Getty
I don’t want to bullshit you. The 55th Grammys sucked. It was a bunch of white dudes in capris with banjos and Bruno Mars did a Bob Marley tribute and LL Cool J looked like part of the wait staff. But, Katy Perry wore this dress. I don’t know what that is around her neck, but if I had to guess I’d say it was angel cum. He obviously can’t go back to heaven now, but there really doesn’t seem to be any point anymore.
Photo credit = Getty