Jessica Alba is in ElleBy toddMarch 18, 2009

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I realize Jessica Alba is a talentless, miserable ice queen who isn’t anywhere near as hot as she used to be, but I’ve wanted to hit for so long, it doesn’t really matter. Some dreams just don’t go away. I wouldn’t turn it down. Because turning it down would be like turning down a ride in a Delorean or an invitation to join the A-Team.

Oh, here she is in Elle:

I realize Jessica Alba is a talentless, miserable ice queen who isn’t anywhere near as hot as she used to be, but I’ve wanted to hit for so long, it…

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Amber Le Bon is a ModelBy toddMarch 18, 2009

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Amber Le Bon, the 19 year old daughter of Duran Duran lead singer, Simon Le Bon and model Yasmin (Parvaneh) Le Bon has been named the face of Myla lingerie the Sun reports. In related news, my iTunes is reporting that it’s dark in the city, night is a wire. Steam in the subway, earth is a fire. Do-do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do, do do.

Amber Le Bon, the 19 year old daughter of Duran Duran lead singer, Simon Le Bon and model Yasmin (Parvaneh) Le Bon has been named the face of Myla lingerie…
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American Idol Might Be FixedBy toddMarch 18, 2009

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Although American Idol prides itself being able to pluck a singer out of obscurity and make them a star through weekly competition, it turns out this year’s winners may have already been secretly chosen by the show’s producers. Oh, my! How scandalous! New York Daily News reports:

The female “AI” worker told a “group of people that the last four are going to be Danny Gokey, Lil Rounds, Adam Lambert and Alexis Grace,” said our insider. Asked if this was opinion or actual fact, the staffer vehemently retorted, “Those ARE the people,” saying it wasn’t mere speculation. If it was just her prediction, she’d be spot-on with this week’s TV Guide, which also chose those exact four wanna-be crooners as its picks for stardom. But the lass took it a step further, claiming that higher-ups at the hit Fox show were taking an issue with two of the top contenders. “Adam Lambert and Lil Rounds are better singers and musicians than Gokey and Grace, but they’re too much like past winners and ‘A’ successes,” the woman said. “Adam’s too close in style and sound to Chris Daughtry, while Lil Rounds is a dead ringer for Fantasia. Even their background stories are similar! “The producers really want it to be Danny or Alexis. They think they’re very commercially viable, have a good image and a great story.”

I don’t know, I’m kinda not buying this. If they’re so worried about image, why did Kelly Clarkson win? Her image should be on breakfast sausages not album covers.

Note: The banner video is emo queer Adam Lambert’s complete butchering of the Johnny Cash classic, Ring of Fire last night. Instead of doing this, Lambert should have dug up Johnny Cash, propped him up on stage and shot him with paintballs. It would have basically been the same thing.

Carrie Underwood and her hot ass at Disney World:

Photo credit: Splash

Although American Idol prides itself being able to pluck a singer out of obscurity and make them a star through weekly competition, it turns out this year’s winners may have…

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F-U-Seek-LinKsBy daveMarch 12, 2009

Britney Spears‘ “If You Seek Amy” video. [ICYDK]

Speaking of Britney Spears, she played Manhattan last night a lured Madonna to the show. Madge didn’t stay for the encore…and left smirking…[LaineyGossip]

Vanessa Hudgen’s crack is already starting to peek out, and it’s only Thursday. Her crack is like the Punxsutawney Phil of the weekend. Site NSFW. [TaxiDriverMovie]

Tyra Banks and Oprah Winfrey have really latched on to this Chris Brown/Rihanna thing. [FadedYouthBlog]

Lily Allen got angry at the paparazzi. This happens so frequently that I’m starting to think it’s synced her menstrual cycle. Because I’m a guy, and that’s what I’m conditioned to blame things on. [ImNotObsessed]

Someone has came up with a crazy conspiracy theory (more…)

Britney Spears‘ “If You Seek Amy” video. [ICYDK] Speaking of Britney Spears, she played Manhattan last night a lured Madonna to the show. Madge didn’t stay for the encore…and left…

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Doutzen Kroes is at the BeachBy toddMarch 11, 2009

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Victoria’s Secrets hottie Doutzen Kroes is in Miami right now and here she is frolicking on the beach with her boyfriend. At least I think that’s her boyfriend. I’ve been told that I’m really, really racist, so I guess these pictures could have been taken right before he robbed her. During happier times.

Victoria’s Secrets hottie Doutzen Kroes is in Miami right now and here she is frolicking on the beach with her boyfriend. At least I think that’s her boyfriend. I’ve been…

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Miranda Kerr Isn’t GayBy toddMarch 11, 2009

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It goes without saying that Miranda Kerr is a piece of ass, but do all gay fashion guys have to look like Christian Siriano? I hate to sound like a prick here, but the only way he could be any gayer if he had fairy wings and a sparkly magic wand. Look, I’m trying to support gay marriage here. But when I see you in a parade wearing a pink tube top and twirling a baton, you can see how that would make me feel a little uncomfortable about my decision.

It goes without saying that Miranda Kerr is a piece of ass, but do all gay fashion guys have to look like Christian Siriano? I hate to sound like a…

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Jessica Simpson is DesperateBy toddMarch 11, 2009

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While she’s been on tour opening for Rascal Flatts, Jessica Simpson has been telling anyone in the audience who will listen that Tony Romo is the love of her life and how she wants to marry him and the spend forever skipping through a daffodil meadow. Mostly because her career mostly involves her movies going straight to DVD and her concerts not being able to sell out a high school gym. So of course Romo would propose on Christmas, right? New Year’s? Valentine’s Day? How about never. OK! Magazine reports:

“Jessica was really hoping that she was going to get an engagement ring,” says a source close to Simpson. “She wanted one for Christmas, then she thought maybe New Year’s Eve. Her last hope was that Tony would propose on Valentine’s Day–but he didn’t.”But she shouldn’t have been surprised. As OK! previously reported, Tony seemed distracted during a Feb. 13 dinner with Jess at NYC hotspot Waverly Inn, where he spent 15 minutes texting on his iPhone. “Jessica was not happy,” an eyewitness tells OK!, adding that the Dukes of Hazzard star tried desperately to get Tony to focus on her. “He just wasn’t picking up on the fact that she was starting to lose her patience.”…”You know, I really thought he was going to make it happen this time. I thought he was ready to propose,” Jess told Ashlee, according to a friend. “I know Tony loves me, but I don’t know if he’ll ever propose.” “Ashlee has always been the more realistic, more practical of the two sisters,” the insider tells OK!. “And Ashlee knows how much her sister wants to be married and have a baby of her own. But as wonderful as Tony is, he is not the marrying kind–probably not for years.”

Seriously, would anybody want to marry Jessica Simpson? I mean, she looks less fat in these pictures, but I’m pretty sure if you took an X-ray of her brain it would be a picture of a car on cinder blocks or a donkey being pushed up a hill.

Photo credit: Splash

While she’s been on tour opening for Rascal Flatts, Jessica Simpson has been telling anyone in the audience who will listen that Tony Romo is the love of her life…

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Jennifer Love Hewitt gets new showBy brendonFebruary 13, 2005
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I’m totally ok admitting that I don’t understand the Oxygen channel. It’s television for women, but every time I flip through there it’s some movie about a woman getting her ass beat. Why that’s entertaining, I’m not sure, but what has been entertaining is my brilliant lead-in to mention that Jennifer Love Hewitt has a new show on there. I’d rather watch a video of the inbred at my Starbucks pissin in the coffee I’m drinking right now than watch a romantic comedy on the Oxygen channel, but hey, I have eclectic taste. And really, all this was just an excuse to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt pictures for an hour without my girlfriend scratching my fuckin eyes out. I’ll take my chances writing this article because like every other supermodel, my girlfriend is no genius. Even when she’s sober she can barely read. I likes ’em dumb!

I’m totally ok admitting that I don’t understand the Oxygen channel. It’s television for women, but every time I flip through there it’s some movie about a woman getting her…
Halle Berry changes her mindBy brendonFebruary 11, 2005
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So apparently Halle Berry won’t be wearing million dollar shoes to the Academy Awards. Someone must have pointed out it’s bad form to have a million dollars on your feet while at the same time wearing a black ribbon to show your “concern” over the mountain of dead in Indonesia. But the real victim here is me, cause I’d already written a brilliantly funny story about it. And since I’m too lazy to write something new, I’m posting it anyway:

“Halle Berry will wear diamond encrusted shoes with a net worth of one million dollars to this years Academy Awards. And if it’s not an hour later right now and you’re picking yourself up off the floor, you should probably read that first sentence again, cause I said “million dollar shoes.” It’s almost unthinkable. I didn’t even spend a million dollars on prostitutes last year. In this country. If you’re going to wear million dollar shoes, you might as well stop off somewhere and kick some orphans in the nuts, cause, really, its pretty much the same thing.”

And to think, her selfishness almost cost you the hilarity of this article. Tsk, tsk Halle. Tsk, tsk.

So apparently Halle Berry won’t be wearing million dollar shoes to the Academy Awards. Someone must have pointed out it’s bad form to have a million dollars on your feet…
the Academy AwardsBy brendonJanuary 27, 2005
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It’s 4:04 on the west coast, about an hour before the Academy Awards, and since there’s zero chance of me being smart enough to remember all this stuff tomorrow, I’m just gonna scrawl down whatever occurs to me as I watch this tonight. It’ll kinda be like us hanging out, except I’ll be the only one doing lines of coke off the hips of 18 year old models.

4:08 – Chris Rock hasn’t said a word yet and he’s already a billion times better than Billy Crystal. How any one could like that whiny little fuck baffles me. You could strap me down in an oxygen tent filled with nothing by nitrous and chronic then tickle me for an hour and I still wouldn’t laugh at anything Billy Crystal has ever said.

4:11 – If Rock is half as good as Steve Martin or Letterman, this should be great.

4:19 – One of the naked supermodels in my hot tub just asked if we were going to watch the Barbara Walters special. And even though that’s a perfectly reasonable question, she’s not here to think, so I just told her to pipe down.

4:20 – Actually I might have watched the Barbara Walters special except I don’t have a time machine that can take me to a point when Barbara Walters had a relevant thought in her fuckin head.

4:40 – I remember watching one of these and someone asked Conan O’Brien where he got his tuxedo and he said Sears. I always thought that was pretty cool, cause Sears does have pretty nice clothes. I get almost all of my Garfield stuff there.

4:43 – Spike Lee really is an idiot. And tonight he looks like a drag queen. Even guys at Pride Week would look at those glasses and tell him to butch it up a little.

4:55 – We’re about to start here, so my official stance on the Oscars is that they’re insufferable. Billionaires handed hundred thousand dollar outfits and fawning all over each other, then inevitably bawling like a retarded kid who spilled his Pepsi is pretty hard to stomach.

At the same time, no matter what you do, it’s nice to be told that your work has been noticed and your peers think you do a good job. So, to me, being nominated really is the prize. But being called the best in a subjective field like film is arrogance at an almost offensive level.

4:58 – What I said above is mostly about the actors. In the book ‘Hollywood Interrupted’, Trey Parker from South Park said, “People wonder why we rip on celebrities, when all around there are pages of shit glorifying celebrities like Winona Ryder. And celebrities view themselves as the fucking Mozarts of their time. Even fucking Ray Ramono thinks hes an enlightened individual. These people all think they’re enlightened artists and therefore speak for the country. But I haven’t met one celebrity who wasn’t a little bit fucked up. Actors and actresses are the worst, because they’re just fucking monkeys. Half the people in this country could do what they do but for some reason they think they’re opinion matters.”

5:02 – If anyone didn’t realize that there’s a heavy black influence to this years show, Star Jones and her fat ass will be more than happy to remind you. Oh, and she’s from New York. And she’s fat.

5:12 – I’m almost positive at this point that Hillary Swank is some kind of robot shape-shifter from the future. Every time I see her she looks just a little bit different. Which is exactly the kind of mistake a robot shape-shifter from the future would make. Because they don’t understand love. One minute she looks borderline hot, the next I’m ashamed of myself for wanting to fuck a retarded girl. I’m joking of course. I’m actually a little turned on by the idea.

5:19 – Kirsten Dunst. I hate you.

5:34 – Johnny Depp looks like he’s in the Fantastic Four.

5:35 – Chris Rock cursed on the third word he said. I love this guy. But the crowd is gonna hate him cause he’s not kissin their ass.

5:47 – I really hope Thomas Haden Church wins Best Supporting Actor. I don’t know if anyone else remembers a show called Ned and Stacy. It was only on Fox for like 10 minutes and it was him and Debra Messing. I think I was in high school, or maybe not yet, it wasn’t on long, but I remember he had a scene one time where he was arguing with Stacy and he got this Bond villain look on his face and he tapped his fingers together and he said, “but then how will I ever build my underwater city.” It was so random and pointless and had nothing to do with anything. I’m sure no on else thinks that’s funny – because I cant tell stories worth a damn – but it’s pretty much the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve loved jokes like that ever since.

I did warn you that this wasn’t gonna be funny, right? Oh, well I should have.

6:01 – Joan Rivers. Botox. “You go girl”. J Edgar Hoover. Brando doing Elmer Fudd.

Does Robin Williams have any fuckin idea what year it is. If anyone thinks he’s funny, leave this site and never come back. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever been kicked in the balls by a donkey, but I’m pretty sure it would be more enjoyable than having to listen to Robin Williams.

6:07 – I really thought that grace, dignity, self-respect and talent were an impediment to success in pop music lately. But Beyonce has done pretty well for herself, so I guess not. That first performance was fuckin amazing. But since I’m a shallow prick, I’m gonna point out that if her ass gets any bigger, she should change her name to buoyancy.

6:22 – Natalie Portman looks like she was made in a lab. And if that came out as a compliment, I should probably rephrase it cause I didn’t mean it too. It’s like I can tell she’s good looking, but I don’t care. She’s too perfect, it’s almost clinical. There’s a coldness to her hotness. And while everyone trembles in the shadows of the brilliance of that last statement, I’m gonna order a pizza.

6:30 – I’m really not feeling that Best Supporting Actress nod. I hate that any gimmicky shtick – like Hoffman in Rain Man, Rush in Shine, Blanchett in the Aviator – is somehow held in higher regard that acting like a real human being, an actual person with all the subtlety that entails. What Virginia Madsen did is infinitely more impressive to me.

6:35 – Alright, this Counting Crows song really sucks. So I’m listening to ‘Call 911’ by Westside Connection. And when I look at the TV it looks like a really inappropriate video. Jesus, I forgot how hard Westside is. Reminds me of when I was a shortie, bangin in my hood just to stay up. Wait, did I say “bangin in my hood just to stay up”, cause I meant to say “ordering curly fries at the country club”.

6:47 – As someone who is flailing away wildly as a failed screenwriter so far, this is really the only part I care about. Sideways was a great choice for Best Adapted Screenplay. And Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is the greatest screenplay I’ve ever read, so maybe the academy will get both of these right.

6:51 – Al Pacino is a foot and a half tall.

7:00 – I’ve already jacked off twice to that chick in the silver dress during Sydney Lumets speech.

7:10 – It’s impossible for me to believe that a girl with this much talent dates Jay Z.

7:11 – Jeremy Irons has been funnier than Chris Rock so far. And did that animation guy just throw up a gang sign?

7:25 – I really hope Penelope Cruz was trying to look like that chick from Mars Attacks. I can’t imagine why she would, but its been a remarkable success.

7:26 – Does Jamie Foxx have a tattoo on his fuckin head?

7:32 – The winners recieving their awards in the crowd is really starting to work my nerves. This isn’t Jerry Springer. Yeah, we get it, the technical people aren’t fabulous enough to share the stage with the actors. Jesus, I’m a little surprised you didn’t bring them on stage just so you could push them down the stairs at the end. Maybe have a mud puddle down there too so everyone can laugh and point at the dumb pathetic bastards who weren’t born with perfect cheek bones.

7:34 – The song on the show right now is being sung by Antonio Banderas. And, shockingly, it sucks. The song I’m listening to is by Bumblebeez 81. And it’s called ‘pony ride’. Cause everyone likes pony rides.

7:41 – John Travolta used to come on to me when I was bartending at Hotel Casa del Mar in Santa Monica. I’m not saying he’s gay, I’m just saying that I’m a beautiful man. But he is gay. Really gay. Seriously.

8:00 – It’s nice to see Hollywood and the Academy Awards combat the racial questions of their past with their typical light touch and subtlety.

8:02 – Jimmy Walker, Kid-N-Play and that guy from the Police Academy movies should be on stage any minute now.

8:04 –Sean Penn really is a joyless prick. Sorry if Chris Rock didn’t kiss enough ass for you. God forbid he question you’re rightful place as lord and ruler over all you survey. After all, you’re an actor! Jackass. Seriously, if I ever see you, you better hope we’re not on a trail of some kind cause if there’s a rock around, I’m throwin it at your ass.

8:06 – Okay, I’m back to the Hillary Swank thing. Seriously, why does she look so different every time I see her? It’s like when I watch the Super Friends on Cartoon Network, the one from the 70’s, when the animators were way too stoned to ever draw Wonder Woman the same way twice. She’d have black hair in one scene, blue in the next. D-cups, A-cups. Lasso on the right, lasso on the left, no lasso. You can see the lines of the invisible jet, you can’t see the lines of the invisible jet. One minute she’d have on Superman’s cape, the next she’d be some big black guy, but still in that same outfit. And with the same voice.

I can’t remember why I thought this had anything to do with Hillary Swank.

8:09 – But she is a really good actress.

8:17 – Charlie Kaufman is an absolute fuckin genius. If anyone cares, you can download all of his scripts, including ‘Eternal Sunshine’, here.

8:25 – I really can’t make up my mind about Gweneth Paltrow. Sometimes she looks surprisingly average. And sometimes she looks like she did tonight. Or like this. And that’s pretty damn great.

8:30 – It’s impossible to not like Jamie Foxx.

8:38 – Clint Eastwood still drives a two door GMC Cyclone. That dude is fuckin cool.

9:00 – It’s all about you, isn’t it Barbara. God you’re an insufferable bitch. I’m so glad a former Republican mayor won while you were up there. Too bad you didn’t choke on your tongue as you handed him the prize.

9:01 – Well, Rock was good but not great. Which probably means we’ll be shackled with Billy Crystal and boring predictable ass-kissing next year, just like the Academy likes it.

That’s it for me. Later.

It’s 4:04 on the west coast, about an hour before the Academy Awards, and since there’s zero chance of me being smart enough to remember all this stuff tomorrow, I’m…