Lindsay Has It All Figured OutBy toddMay 17, 2010

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A judge has basically told Lindsay Lohan that if she doesn’t complete her 13 required traffic school classes by Thursday she will go to jail. Lindsay has completed 9. So, trying to remain in full compliance with the court’s orders, Lindsay went to Cannes and got drunk instead. TMZ reports:

As TMZ first reported, Lohan has completed nine traffic school classes out of the required 13. Her DUI progress report hearing is Thursday and she’s in France. Lohan, who is clearly living in the world of denial, says she needs a few more weeks to fully complete her traffic school obligations. The judge has made it clear — Thursday is D-day, and if she is in violation of probation LiLo is going to jail. And, if Lindsay is shy of 13 on Thursday, the judge will almost certainly issue a warrant for her arrest if she doesn’t show up for court.

I hope nobody is surprised that Lindsay would completely bail on her responsibilities while at the same time justifying her actions in her cracked out mind. At this point, maybe Lindsay should kidnap a baby or get a tattoo with a needle she found in an alley. You know, to fully drive the point home that she may not be the best at making life decisions.

All that’s missing from this video is the Goblin King and a dark crystal to complete this world of delusion and fantasies that don’t exist:

A judge has basically told Lindsay Lohan that if she doesn’t complete her 13 required traffic school classes by Thursday she will go to jail. Lindsay has completed 9. So,…

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We’re Registered At Crate & BarrelBy toddMay 17, 2010

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I have no idea who Arianny Celeste is, but all that changed when she decided to pose in a bikini for the Maxim Magazine May Cover Party in Las Vegas this weekend. Hot brunette? Check. Big tits? Check. Ridiculous ass? Check. Hey. God. I think we’re pretty much done here. Thanks, bro.

I have no idea who Arianny Celeste is, but all that changed when she decided to pose in a bikini for the Maxim Magazine May Cover Party in Las Vegas…

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Juan Carlos Cruz Is Basically RetardedBy toddMay 16, 2010

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Former host of Food Network host’s Calorie Commando, Juan Carlos Cruz was arrested last week after he recruited homeless people to kill someone for $1,000. CNN reports:

The plan fell apart when the homeless people Cruz allegedly recruited told officers with the Santa Monica Police Department’s Homeless Liaison Program, authorities said. An undercover investigation, which began on May 7, revealed the murder-for-hire method, where and when the individual was to be killed and the terms of payment, Trisler said. Cruz was arrested at a dog park in the Cheviot Hills neighborhood of Los Angeles, California, on Thursday afternoon, he said. Cruz, who is being held on a $5 million bail on a charge of solicitation to commit murder, is expected to make a first appearance in court Monday.

Oh, who was he trying to kill? His wife. TMZ reports:

The homeless men Juan-Carlos Cruz allegedly tried to hire to kill his wife claim they were instructed to “cut [a] woman’s throat.” The men told TMZ an elaborate story. According to Little Dave, Cruz — who had a show on The Food Network — said he wanted someone to do “dirty deeds done dirt cheap.” He says Cruz told him he would give him “a grand.” Cruz then gave Little Dave a box which contained a box cutter, a disposable cell phone, gloves and a pocket watch. He says Cruz gave he 1/2 of 10 hundred dollar bills, and promised to give him the other halves when the job was done. Little Dave says Cruz showed him a picture of the other half of the money.

Man, paying homeless guys $1,000 to kill someone? Why hasn’t anybody else thought of that. I thought all homeless people were crackheads with schizophrenia and PTSD who yelled a mailboxes for keeping secrets about them. Who knew they could be trusted to carry out elaborate murder schemes? I don’t why Cruz didn’t tie his wife over a pit of sharks or tie her to a railroad track while he set out to prove that you can have all those diner classics you crave without loading up on fat and calories, because obviously he some sort of criminal mastermind.

He should have hired this guy:

Former host of Food Network host’s Calorie Commando, Juan Carlos Cruz was arrested last week after he recruited homeless people to kill someone for $1,000. CNN reports: The plan fell…
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Miranda Kerr Is Topless In I-DBy toddMay 15, 2010
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Usually the words "Miranda Kerr" and "topless" in the same sentence are enough to get through the chicks at last call, but I really want to know what color parasol was covering the photographer and his white tiger cubs during this shoot, because you have to be really fucking gay to make Miranda Kerr look like a discontinued pleasure model replicant who escaped from a Mars colony. Look homo, I'm sure alien autopsies are fascinating, but if you could put down your bedazzled cigarette holder and giver her some eyebrows, I would appreciate it.


 

 

Usually the words "Miranda Kerr" and "topless" in the same sentence are enough to get through the chicks at last call, but I really want to know what color parasol…

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Billy Ray Cyrus Is A Great Parent, Pt. 2By toddMay 14, 2010

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Earlier this week, video foortage of then 16-year old Miley Cyrus grinding on a 44-year old man’s lap sparked controversy and outrage. But don’t worry. Drying humping dudes at parties while it’s being filmed is just what kids do. TMZ reports:

Billy Ray Cyrus is blowing off the controversy over his then 16-year-old daughter Miley Cyrus grinding on a 44-year-old man — saying, “It’s what people her age do.” In our poll, an overwhelming majority said the dance was inappropriate … and 40 percent of readers blamed Miley’s parents — who were not there when the dancing deed was done.

Flash forward five years, Billy Ray Cyrus is Dina Lohan. He doesn’t want to go back to performing in the back of a flatbed truck at the State Fair, and he knows his daughter is the reason why he doesn’t have to shoot into a bubblin’ crude to get money. He’s perfectly fine with enabling all the way to the Maybach dealership. Basically what I’m saying is, if Miley hasn’t accepted an AVN Award by the time she’s 23, how does Billy Ray expect to buy that Arabian horse?

Earlier this week, video foortage of then 16-year old Miley Cyrus grinding on a 44-year old man’s lap sparked controversy and outrage. But don’t worry. Drying humping dudes at parties…

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Adrianne Curry Is Still PlayingBy toddMay 14, 2010

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Adrianne Curry really needs to get a job, because all she does is post pictures of her tits on Twitter. I mean, unless this is her job. Then hey, by all means. Continue.

Adrianne Curry really needs to get a job, because all she does is post pictures of her tits on Twitter. I mean, unless this is her job. Then hey, by…

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