Victoria’s Secret has released their Valentine’s Day collection, so that means Candice Swanepoel, Miranda Kerr, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in more pictures looking nothing like your girlfriend when she wears stuff like this. I mean, don’t me wrong, your girlfriend is really nice, but hopefully if she writes enough letters Victoria’s Secret will start selling magic lamps.
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Not that anyone cares, but professional attention whore Heidi Montag released her debut album today. Heidi Montag. An album full of songs that she’s sings. Jesus, everyone involved in this should be tied to a tree and kicked by a donkey. Us Magazine reports:
On Tuesday, after three years of waiting, she officially dropped her debut album, Superficial — and she gets racy. Verrry racy. Take the track “I’ll Do It,” for instance. “I brought some treats / I know that you gon love em / Come eat my panties off of me / Do whatever you feel comes naturally”
Man, I hope whoever wrote this article at Us Magazine was able to splash some water in their face and do that thing where you take one hand and fan yourself and pull your collar away from your neck with the other hand, because pulling panties off with your teeth is verrry racy. Racy? Really? I’ve had more panties in my teeth that Kobayashi’s had hot dogs, and I’m not really seeing why I should be clutching my pearls and crossing myself after I read that. Maybe in another song she tells us how she’s churning butter or how she twirled her parasol in front of Nellie Oleson’s store or whatever was considered racy in 1872.
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Although she looks like a pleasure model replicant made by the Tyrell Corporation (“More Human Than Human”, that’s our motto), Olivia Wilde showed up to the FOX All-Star party seemingly unnoticed by government officials that she escaped her off-world colony. She apparently didn’t care about the Earth ban and committed crimes of being sexy among actual humans. I’m not gonna lie, if I saw this walking towards me, I wouldn’t never whether to fuck her or take her back to my lab and study her. Why did you come here?! What do you want with us??!!!
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I don’t know what the terror alert level should be raised to in cases like this, but somebody should probably look that up, because Jennifer Lopez just threatened to stay in show business until she’s 71. Mirror.co.uk reports:
“I’ll be doing some form of this when I’m 71. This is what I do. What, because I have kids and a husband I’m not supposed to be me? I’m hyper J.Lo. Everything I wanted before, I want twice as much now. Not material things – but to explore and think more. Being an artist doesn’t start because you’re 21 and it doesn’t end because you’re 51. You are who you are until the day you die. You need that time to grow,” she told US Elle. “You can’t be, ‘Oh, I’m out of the public, I’m going to have to make a comeback’.” The dancer-turned-singerturned-actress added: “My manager swears I should direct. I’m like, ‘I’m not ready. Maybe when I’m 71.’
And if by “some form” she means standing on a forklift and holding a megaphone in the middle of South Bronx counting down so the giant jalapeno can drop to welcome in 2031, then okay. But directing movies? No so much. Especially when your whole career is based on a gigantic ass and blowing Diddy to get a record deal. A clubbed seal has a better chance to direct a movie than Jennifer Lopez.
My penis would allow me to download and edit one Jennifer Lopez picture, so here’s Jamie Gunns in lingerie. I apologize for him. He has exacting tastes and only accepts the finest cuts of vagina.
Fuck you, Derek Jeter [Popeater]
Scarlett Johansson in leopard print [Popoholic]
Blake Lively’s breasts are in Green Lantern [The Superficial]
Amanda Seyfried is naked [Fatback Media]
If you haven’t bought Six Degrees of Paris Hilton yet, kill yourself. [Amazon]
Shauna Sand is see through, disgusting [TaxiDriver Movie]
Amanda Bynes is in Maxim [Egostastic]
Super Mario Texts From Last Night [College Humor]
Tila Tequila was lying [Celebslam]
Miss COED: Kelly Bentley. God Bless America [COED Magazine]
The A-Team trailer is god awful [Cele|bitchy]
Maria Kanellis is stacked [Heyman Hustle]
It really is with no small sense of pride that I say that I have never watched one single episode of The Jersey Shore, and trust me when I say that unless any of these idiots gets beheaded or becomes a suicide bomber, this is the last time any of them will appear on this site. I’m only putting these up because one of the “stars” of the show, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was photographed at an MTV party this weekend. Please take a look at these pictures, because apparently it’s not okay to punch the living shit out of this bitch. I’m glad somebody told me, because I didn’t realize it would be considered violence against women, I just have a thing for punching obnoxious assholes. Sometimes obnoxious assholes have tanning bed lines and tits, sometimes they don’t. I think it’s important as a society that we work diligently to break down the long-standing social injustice that says women can’t get their ass beat for being douchebags. The modern woman has worked hard to earn that right, so why should we take away those civil liberties? Who are you, Nacy Pelosi all of a sudden? Don’t you dare tell Snooki that her obituary can’t include the words “hammer strike” and “temple”. How dare you sir try to legislate a woman’s right to choose?! How dare you sir!
These pictures of Rosie Jones will lead you to believe that she's an active tennis player, but the discerning eye will notice that her perfect tits are hanging out, so I really don't think she plays tennis. At least not the kind of tennis that you play at the country club with Buffy and Blain. God, why do you have to be so stuck up? You think you're better that me, is that what you think?!
Note: Whoever makes the best one up in the comment section gets a prize! And by "prize", I mean the satisfaction of knowing that instead of doing your job, you're online thinking of tennis jokes about some chick's tits. Awesome!
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Because they obviously think people need more misery in their life, TMZ has posted the 911 call placed by Brittany Murphy’s mother. If you’re into calls about needless death, you can listen to the whole thing call HERE. But be warned, this might be the most depressing thing you hear all day.