Zach Galifianakis Hates January JonesBy toddMay 24, 2011

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I think we can rule out Zach Galifianakis as the father. NY Daily News reports:

Don’t count January Jones as among Zach Galifianakis’ favorite celebrity encounters. The funny man revealed in an interview with Shortlist.com that the two had an icy first meeting that he just isn’t able to overlook. “She and I were very rude to each other,” he recalled. “It was crazy.” Galifianakis went on to recount being at a party where the “Mad Men” star invited him to sit with her. “So I sit at her table and talk for 10 minutes, and she goes, ‘I think it’s time for you to leave now,'” he claimed. “So I say, ‘January, you are an actress in a show and everybody’s going to forget about you in a few years, so f–king be nice,'” he continued, “and I got up and left.”…While many male stars would probably be quick to agree to a sex scene with the gorgeous blond, Galifianakis is one celebrity who wouldn’t be willing. “I wouldn’t want to,” he said. “I’d hate it.”

I hope it’s not a secret to anyone that January Jones is a raging ice queen who tries to intimidate men. That’s because you need liquid oxygen to reach the bottom of her issues and no amount of indifference or systematic neglect by a man can create the perfect woman you see today. Skinny, blonde, and the insecurity of a burn victim at a public pool fused to her DNA. When I see January Jones all I see is violent mood swings and unlimited anal. Basically what I’m saying is, where is the waiting list? Can I sign up online? How does this work?

I think we can rule out Zach Galifianakis as the father. NY Daily News reports: Don’t count January Jones as among Zach Galifianakis’ favorite celebrity encounters. The funny man revealed…

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Sophie Turner Is A Double RainbowBy toddMay 24, 2011

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Sophie Turner and I decided to take a break from our imaginary sexual relationship to see other people recently, mostly because she has no idea who I am and the fact that she’s too busy doing Half Off Hollywood. By the way, what is that? Is that some sort of euphemism for banging Jeremy Piven behind my back? Huh, is that what that means?! How could you?! Should I shave my head then get hair plugs? Will that make you love me, Sophie?! Whew, anyway. Sorry about that. I guess the point of this post is that Sophie uploaded these pics of a her recent photoshoot to her Twitter last night. I’m not sure how gay the photographer was to point the camera at her and not take a picture of this, but anyway, here they are. As you can see, she’s not just content to steal my heart. She also apparently stole Marisa Miller’s stomach.

Sophie Turner and I decided to take a break from our imaginary sexual relationship to see other people recently, mostly because she has no idea who I am and the…

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Lindsay Lohan Looks Afraid For Her LifeBy toddMay 23, 2011

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I know the first thing that I would want to do after I claimed that a Freemason was relentlessly stalking me with an unhinged desire to rape and kill me and use my ribcage as a hat, would be to flaunt my huge tits in a bikini at a pool in Miami surrounded by photographers who could be my killer in disguise. Man, Lindsay and I think a lot a like.

I know the first thing that I would want to do after I claimed that a Freemason was relentlessly stalking me with an unhinged desire to rape and kill me…

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Hey There, SexyBy toddMay 23, 2011

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Chelsea Handler‘s body was exhumed this weekend so she could sign copies of her book at Barnes & Noble for a group of lucky fans. When asked for comment, one of the lucky fans said, “The heart, you have to stake it in the heart!!! Break off a table leg an…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

Chelsea Handler‘s body was exhumed this weekend so she could sign copies of her book at Barnes & Noble for a group of lucky fans. When asked for comment, one…

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