Simon Cowell Had Sex 11 Times In One NightBy toddApril 23, 2012



Because whores like to talk, some chick and ex-model, Alicia Douvall, claims she dated Simon Cowell in 2001 and on the fourth date they banged 11 times. Also, whores are good with numbers. Metro UK reports:

‘On the third or fourth date we ended up doing it 11 times in one night,’ she claimed. ‘We started having sex and went on through the night. We slept a little bit in between but only for a few minutes.’ Despite the marathon session, Cowell was apparently eager for her to develop her skills in the bedroom. Douvall explained: ‘Every time we had sex he would analyse my performance just like a judge on the TV and say how there could be an improvement next time.’

Whatever. I banged Ashley Greene 11 times in one night last month. It would have been 12, but my grandma came in and said she had to use the computer.

Because whores like to talk, some chick and ex-model, Alicia Douvall, claims she dated Simon Cowell in 2001 and on the fourth date they banged 11 times. Also, whores are…

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Charlie Sheen’s Kids Were Forcibly Removed From His House #LOSINGBy toddMarch 02, 2011

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You know how when you’re a kid and you have a favorite aunt, then you get older and realize she was funny and spontaneous because she was batshit insane? Yeah. The whole Charlie Sheen has been fun, but make no mistake, he’s a psychopath who needs to be chained to a wall in a dungeon next to a skeleton. TMZ reports:

A judge temporarily stripped Charlie Sheen of custody of his twin sons Tuesday, after Brooke Mueller submitted a declaration in which she alleged Charlie said, “I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom” … TMZ has learned. TMZ broke the story … Brooke’s lawyer got a temporary restraining order against Charlie, prohibiting him from going near her. The judge also ordered Charlie to surrender their twin boys — Bob and Max — to Brooke while the TRO remains in effect. Police removed the twins from Charlie’s house late Tuesday. According to legal docs, Brooke also claims … on February 23 Charlie threw a phone inside his house and then with a penknife in hand, threatened to stick it in Brooke’s eye….Sources tell TMZ Charlie’s team is furious that the order was issued and plans to go to court tomorrow in an attempt to undo it. Charlie tweeted Tuesday night, “My sons are fine … My path is now clear …. Defeat is not an option!” UPDATE: Charlie was just live on “Today” where he said he didn’t say those words, adding “it’s colorful … that’s a good one I guess. If you spend enough time around me you can formulate things and make it sound like it could have come from my mouth, but you can do that watching reruns.”

I really have no idea what the police were waiting for. Him to smoke crack out of his kid’s skull? Get them the fuck outta there. Even an alien who just came to Earth four days ago knows that Charlie Sheen shouldn’t even be allowed around pictures of his kids much less his own kids.

You know how when you’re a kid and you have a favorite aunt, then you get older and realize she was funny and spontaneous because she was batshit insane? Yeah….

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Alessandra Ambrosio Isn’t Charlie SheenBy toddMarch 02, 2011

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Alessandra Ambrosio posed in something called French in a see through something (NSFW). I don’t know what you call it exactly. I’m sure Perez Hilton could tell me, but the 13-year old Dominican boy just made him another batch of pancakes so he’s probably busy right now.

Alessandra Ambrosio posed in something called French in a see through something (NSFW). I don’t know what you call it exactly. I’m sure Perez Hilton could tell me, but the…

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Charlie Sheen Is Winning At InterviewsBy toddMarch 01, 2011

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Charlie Sheen‘s oh-goddamn-it-can’t-get-here-soon-enough interview on 20/20 is tonight, and ABC has blessed us by releasing excerpts where he talks about WINNING, his porn star girlfriends, polygamy, golden sombreros, chocolate milk, the benefits of prostitutes, being a rock star, his kids, Chuck Lorre, being the administer of violent hatred, and how he’s just an old-fashioned guy. I’ll let you guess which ones are which. All I can say is, hold on to your fucking hat.

“It’s perfect. It’s awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.”

“You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart.”

“I tried marriage. I’m 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer — I believe in numbers. I’m not going 0 for 4. I’m not wearing a golden sombrero.”

“Maybe the three of us will get married. I don’t know. I’m gonna say this. It’s a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It’s like an organic union of the hearts.”

“We have a few rules here. Nobody panics. There’s no judgment. You park your judgment at the door. Nobody dies. And — enjoy every moment. What did I miss? Drink chocolate milk. We just have fun. There’s a ton of laughter in this house. A ton of love in this house. There’s a ton of nobility in this house.”

“Who wants to deal with all the small talk and nonsense? And you’re paying for something that eliminates that. And I don’t know. It makes sense to me,” he said. “As long as you’re not lying to anybody. As long as you’re not lying to people, I think whatever you’re doing, there’s no children involved in, then you’re OK. But people are going to judge it, because they’re so jealous.”

“I’m not gonna worry about it, or I can say, ‘Hey, kids, your dad’s a rockstar. Look at his experiences. Look at what he survived.’ Bang. There are some of your lessons, but the real lessons are gonna be in the future.”

“It was a fake friendship. I never felt respected in a way that I should have been. … I showed up and this dude won the lottery. And so I always felt like, ‘Why am I being treated like an unwelcome relative and being given cold coffee at, like 8 PM in the middle of the fourth inning?'”

“If you destroy my family then I will deal with you with violent hatred. Sorry, it’s my code. And it’s not like it has to be delivered in a way that’s, like, you know, all obvious and — and like, you know, radio speak. But yeah, there’s some wrongs to be righted.”

“They’ll wake up one day and realize how cool dad is. And, you know, signs all the checks on the front, not the back. And you know, we need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin’-ness.”

The numbers don’t lie. Chuck [Lorre] was on his way back. He had a $48 million, four-year deal or something. He had three failed pilots. And they were ready to just like write him that final check and just be like, ‘Thanks, dude, we tried. But it didn’t work out.’ And then I walk in and deliver the lottery.”

“I think the honesty not only shines through in my work, but also my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I’m extremely old-fashioned. I’m a nobleman. I’m chivalrous.”

The only way this interview can possibly end is with Charlie Sheen burning an X into Bree Olsen and Natty Kenly’s heads then telling them to go murder Natalie Portman.

Note: A special thanks to Chrissy Teigen who is God’s gift to Twitter and whose last name flies in the face of the whole “i before e except after c” rule. [Photo credit: I Am Legend]

Charlie Sheen‘s oh-goddamn-it-can’t-get-here-soon-enough interview on 20/20 is tonight, and ABC has blessed us by releasing excerpts where he talks about WINNING, his porn star girlfriends, polygamy, golden sombreros, chocolate milk,…

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Natalie Portman Is A HypocriteBy toddMarch 01, 2011

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Last Thursday, British fashion designer John Galliano got drunk and was caught on video just before Paris Fashion Week spewing anti-Semitic remarks to a group of women at a bar before saying, “I love Hitler” and “Your mothers, your forefathers would all be fucking gassed”. As expected, he was fired by Christian Dior. Since Natalie Portman is Jewish and never misses and opportunity to be a sanctimonious cunt, she has released a statement. You’ll never guess what it says!! Us Magazine reports:

The star, who is the face of Miss Dior Cherie perfume, said in a statement: “I am deeply shocked and disgusted by the video.” Adds the expectant mom, 29: “In light of this video, and as an individual who is proud to be Jewish, I will not be associated with Mr. Galliano in any way.” “I hope at the very least, these terrible comments remind us to reflect and act upon combating these still-existing prejudices that are the opposite of all that is beautiful.” In the shocking video, Galliano gets into a vile argument at a Paris cafe. He says, “I love Hitler,” drops offensive epithets and makes references to people being “gassed”.

Let me preface this by saying that anyone who identifies with Hitler and agrees with anything he did is a delusional sociopath who I would gladly give the gift of a morphine drip, but please keep in mind that this is the same Natalie Portman who was one of the biggest supporters of Roman Polanski. So to recap, drugging and forcibly butt fucking a 13-year old girl? No big deal. Saying you like Hitler? Well, clutch my pearls. To condemn a drunk queer who was talking out of his ass while at the same time condemning others for wanting a sexual predator brought to justice is just bad form. Like your sister when she’s on top. Dude, what’s her deal? Do I need to buy a metronome?

Last Thursday, British fashion designer John Galliano got drunk and was caught on video just before Paris Fashion Week spewing anti-Semitic remarks to a group of women at a bar…

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Christina Aguilera Got Arrested For Public IntoxicationBy toddMarch 01, 2011

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Christina Aguilera has been on a slow train to crazy for weeks now, and it finally came to its first stop last night when she was arrested for being drunk off her ass. To her credit though, getting drunk in private is kind of a waste. TMZ reports:

Christina Aguilera was arrested early this morning along with her boyfriend in West Hollywood, TMZ has learned. Christina was popped for public intoxication and her boyfriend was arrested for driving under the influence. Aguilera was arrested at 2:45 AM and booked at the West Hollywood Sheriff’s substation on a misdemeanor charge. On the booking report, Aguilera was listed at 5’2″ and 100 pounds. Aguilera’s 25-year-old boyfriend Matthew Rutler was also arrested last night at the same time for a misdemeanor offense. According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department, Rutler’s bail was set at $30,000. Law enforcement sources tell us Aguilera appeared to be “extremely intoxicated” and was “unable to take care of herself.” However, the source adds, “If the driver had NOT been arrested for DUI, [Christina] would have never been in trouble.” Sources close to Xtina tell us they have been trying to get the singer into a rehab program for weeks.

I’m a big fan of tiny white girls too drunk to stand, so I’m really more concerned about this whole 100 pounds thing. Really? Did she lose a leg in the war recently? Because the only way she’s 100 pounds right now is if she’s an amputee or met a rabbit last night and had to follow him down a hole.

Christina Aguilera has been on a slow train to crazy for weeks now, and it finally came to its first stop last night when she was arrested for being drunk…

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