Reese Witherspoon’s Daughter Is Basically 90s Reese WitherspoonBy toddFebruary 09, 2017
Reese Witherspoon’s Daughter Is Basically 90s Reese Witherspoon

 

If you’re not old enough to remember how hot Reese Witherspoon was in the 90s (I know you have Google but THAT’S NOT THE SAME, MAN!), you just need to look at her daughter Ava Phillippe. But Ava Phillippe is 17, so don’t look that hard. What the hell is wrong with you? Weirdo.

 

With my always @avaphillippe .. #MotherDaughter #MatchyMatchy #Premiere #BigLittleLies

A photo posted by Reese Witherspoon (@reesewitherspoon) on

 

 

  If you’re not old enough to remember how hot Reese Witherspoon was in the 90s (I know you have Google but THAT’S NOT THE SAME, MAN!), you just need…

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‘Spring Breakers’ Is Getting A SequelBy toddMay 07, 2014
‘Spring Breakers’ Is Getting A Sequel

 

YES LAWD.

Wild Bunch will also launch Spring Breakers: The Second Coming, in which the Spring Breakers do battle with an extreme militant Christian sect that attempts to convert them. Scottish writer Irvine Welsh has written the screenplay and Swedish Jonus Akerlund will direct. Wild Bunch sold his 2002 film, Spun. “It’s not a direct sequel although there are allusions to some of the characters in the original,” says Maraval, adding there will be a mix of new and old cast in the production. LA-based Muse Productions, which owns the concept to the first film, is producing alongside Wild Bunch and French distributor Mars Films. Follow us: UPROXX on Facebook.

The writer of Trainspotting and the director of Spun. Christ. My boner can only talked down because apparently none of the original cast appear to be coming back. So that means no Ashley Benson bouncing in every scene. This saddens me. To be honest, this saddens me a great deal. Hold me.

 

#neverforget:

 

  YES LAWD. Wild Bunch will also launch Spring Breakers: The Second Coming, in which the Spring Breakers do battle with an extreme militant Christian sect that attempts to convert…

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Chelsea Handler Still Hates Angelina JolieBy toddMay 12, 2011

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Two old, unfunny busted whores shared the screen last night when Chelsea Handler was a guest on The Joy Behar Show (you can watch the clip here), where Handler says she will never apologize for calling Jolie a “homewrecker” and going onstage in New Jersey and calling her a “fucking cunt”.

I’ll never apologize for calling Angelina a homewrecker. It shouldn’t have gotten a lot of press because I’ve been making fun of Angelina Jolie since she made-out with her brother. I would never speak for anyone else – or any of my friends – I’m speaking from my heart and soul when I call someone a homewrecker.

As you read that quote, please keep in mind that Handler’s “friend” is, of course, Jennifer Aniston. So, there’s really no bias here, just a woman speaking her mind about the time Angelina Jolie broke into Aniston’s house and stole her husband at gunpoint then took him to her secret underground lair where she implanted a microchip in his brain to fall in love with her and have children with her and adopt more children and move to France. Oh, it didn’t happen like that? Oh, so then basically Chelsea Handler is a bitter cunt whose vagina got passed around like a collection plate to get her show and at the height of her fame she had to settle for blowing 50 Cent? Oh, okay. Thanks for clarifying that for me. I mean, you read things and sometimes it’s hard to understand what the person is actually saying.

Angelina Jolie promoting her new film at Cannes Film Festival yesterday while Chelsea Handler was promoting her book on a show on Headline News:

Two old, unfunny busted whores shared the screen last night when Chelsea Handler was a guest on The Joy Behar Show (you can watch the clip here), where Handler says…

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Lindsay Lohan: “Glad to Be Able to Put This Past Me. You Know, So I Can Drink Again.”By toddMay 12, 2011



I actually got emails yesterday asking me why I didn’t cover Lindsay Lohan‘s “sentencing”, but really, what’s the point? She’s been breaking the law without remorse or punishment for over four years now. But to make sure we’re all on the same page here, Lindsay’s 120 jail sentence got reduced to 14-days house arrest. Apparently because her house is overcrowded. And Lindsay is still a narcissistic, delusional drug addict with no concept of reality who will continue to do whatever the fuck she wants to do when she wants to do it without fear of ever having to be held accountable. E! Online reports:

“I am glad to be able to put this past me and move on with my life and my career. I support the judge’s decision and hold myself accountable for being in this situation,” Lohan says…”I have already started my community service at the Downtown Women’s Center and thank everyone there for their warm welcome,” she adds. “I hope to be able to fulfill my obligation without any press attention. I think the media spotlight should be on issues such as homelessness and domestic violence instead of on me.

In the media’s defense, it’s hard to focus on homelessness and domestic violence when you call the paparazzi ahead of time to let them know exactly where you’ll be at all times then throw in the fact that you won’t be wearing a bra. But more to the point, Lindsay’s probation report was released. Guess what she was doing at The Betty Ford Clinic the whole time? If you said, “drinking anything she could get her hands on”, congratulations! You’re the big winner! People magazine reports:

Lindsay Lohan drank alcohol the night she scuffled with a Betty Ford employee and failed a random alcohol test after she left rehab, according to a probation report. The probation report says Lohan indeed drank alcohol after sneaking out from the Betty Ford Center in December, citing local police interviews with restaurant and nightclub employees. Charges that she battered a rehab employee that night were dropped for lack of evidence. And Lohan, 24, tested positive for alcohol in February, one week after her assistant surrendered the allegedly stolen necklace to the LAPD. “The probation officer believes that substance abuse is the root of the defendant’s problems,” the report says, although L.A. Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner disagreed with that assessment on Wednesday.

She steals from businesses, photoshoots, her friends, she gets drunk and chases people, she gets caught with coke, and she lies straight to the judge’s face. And nothing. Any time a judge tries to help her by sending her to rehab, she just shits in her hand and throws it at everyone involved then leaves early to go drink. Nothing will ever happen to Lindsay. Nothing. Ever. And when she’s finally found in a ditch with a syringe in her arm and a broken bottle up her ass and semen in her hair, people will say it’s a tragedy. And it will be. A tragedy for my pageviews.

I actually got emails yesterday asking me why I didn’t cover Lindsay Lohan‘s “sentencing”, but really, what’s the point? She’s been breaking the law without remorse or punishment for over…

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Jessica Lowndes Attends SomethingBy toddMay 12, 2011

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I don’t know what the National Movie Awards are in London are, but now you do because Jessica Lowndes wore this dress. Man, how exciting! Stay tuned to IDLYITW for breaking news as it happens!

I don’t know what the National Movie Awards are in London are, but now you do because Jessica Lowndes wore this dress. Man, how exciting! Stay tuned to IDLYITW for…

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Adele’s Ex-Boyfriend Wants RoyaltiesBy toddMay 11, 2011

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Swag. NME reports:

Adele’s ex-boyfriend is supposedly cheekily claiming for a slice of the profits she made on debut album ‘19’ – because he feels their doomed relationship was the inspiration for a number of the LP’s lovelorn tracks. The singer should be happy after her latest album, ‘21’, clocked up its 14th week at the summit of the UK charts last week. ‘19’ – which was released in 2008 – is currently occupying the Number Three slot. But according to the tabs today (May 10) she’s furious that her former partner is trying to claim the credit for her initial success – as well as a cut of the royalties. She is quoted in The Sun as saying: “For about a week he was calling and was deadly serious about it. Finally, I said ‘Well, you made my life hell, so I lived it and now I deserve it’.” She added: “He really thought he’d had some input into the creative process by being a prick. I’ll give him the credit – he made me an adult, and put me on the road that I’m travelling.”

Adele appeals to overweight women and bitter women who have been fucked over by a man, so if my math is right, every woman in the world loves Adele. If you count gay dudes, then she’s Alexander The Great, conquering the world by singing songs that go great with tears and ice cream about a guy who she says will never forget her although he dumped her already. I mean, she already said the dude could have had it all, so now he just wants a little bit. Why she gotta be so greedy? Damn. Make up your mind woman!

Swag. NME reports: Adele’s ex-boyfriend is supposedly cheekily claiming for a slice of the profits she made on debut album ‘19’ – because he feels their doomed relationship was the…

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A New Princess Diana Documentary Will Have A Death PhotoBy toddMay 11, 2011

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Unlawful Killing, a documentary about the death (and subsequent cover up) of Princess Diana will premiere at Cannes next week, and will contain a graphic paparazzi photo taken of Diana minutes after the crash as she lay dying. Called an “inquest of the inquest”, filmmaker Keith Allen might be the next one to go. Guardian reports:

Unlawful Killing is not about a conspiracy before the crash, but a provable conspiracy after the crash. A conspiracy organised not by a single scheming arch-fiend, but collectively by the British establishment – judges, lawyers, politicians, police chiefs, secret services, even newspaper editors – all of whom have been appointed to their positions because they are “a safe pair of hands”. Just as compass needles all point north without being told to, so these people instinctively know what is expected of them when the state’s interests are under threat and they act accordingly, quietly suppressing uncomfortable evidence or undermining the credibility of witnesses whose evidence contradicts the official narrative.

Besides the fact that it took them two hours to get her to a hospital that was four miles away and the note she left behind that basically said “I’M GOING TO DIE IN A CAR CRASH AND THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO PLANNED IT” then she died in a car crash and the person who she said was responsible wasn’t questioned, I don’t believe in this conspiracy theory. Unlike the one I do about the female orgasm. Haha, yeah right. I’ve had sex with tens of women and none of them ever had an orgasm. Not buying it liberal media!

Unlawful Killing, a documentary about the death (and subsequent cover up) of Princess Diana will premiere at Cannes next week, and will contain a graphic paparazzi photo taken of Diana…

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Ooh, Hey There SexyBy toddMay 10, 2011

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Sarah Jessica Parker has spent her entire career tricking women into thinking that four ugly chicks could live in New York City and have every wealthy, attractive man fall at their feet with lavish gifts and professions of undying love. So women in their 20s flocked to the city with nothing but a Vogue subscription and a dream, knowing they would find the perfect man. Then they find out that actual hot chicks live in NYC and wealthy, attractive men would actually fuck them instead, so these women are now in their 30s at the bar talking shit into their Cosmopolitan because they know they have to go home to nothing but a closet full of Louboutins and their Wish Book filled with clippings from fashion week and pictures of destination weddings. But long story short, Sarah Jessica Parker attended the Robin Hood Foundation last night. You can click on the rest of the pics if you want, but nobody got scared and clubbed her to death so they really don’t get any better.

Sarah Jessica Parker has spent her entire career tricking women into thinking that four ugly chicks could live in New York City and have every wealthy, attractive man fall at…

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Sophia Bush Reminded Me AgainBy toddMay 10, 2011

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I know I talk a lot about how much I want to explore Megan Fox and Kate Upton‘s vaginas like an explorer discovering a new world, but in a Quantum Leap episode where that would actually happen, I realize that I would have to hold a conversation with them at some point. And that’s not something I’m particularly interested in. My penis just called me a fag, but Sophia Bush makes an appearance on here when I’m reminded how fucking cute and adorable she is. We could go on a picnic and she could twirl her hair while I open a bottle of wine. We could talk about our past experiences and our common interests. We could discuss or dreams and our beliefs. We could inch our hands closer together until our eyes meet. Then, you know, I’d lick her vagina. Let’s not forget the part where I lick her vagina.

I know I talk a lot about how much I want to explore Megan Fox and Kate Upton‘s vaginas like an explorer discovering a new world, but in a Quantum…

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Kelly Brook Had A MiscarriageBy toddMay 09, 2011

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This child was conceived with weak sperm. The Sun reports:

The model, 31, was five months pregnant with her first child which was due in August. But she miscarried last week and has been grieving privately at home surrounded by close family and Thom. Kelly fell pregnant just five months after meeting the rugby player but insisted they were ready to be parents. She announced the news on Twitter on March 16, saying: “We are delighted.” Last night Kelly’s spokesman Jonathan Hackford told The Sun: “I can confirm that Kelly and Thom have very sadly lost their baby. They request that everyone please respects their privacy at this very painful time and there will be no further comment.”

This is a sad day. But not for Lily Allen. She’s still the reigning champion. Go Lily!

This child was conceived with weak sperm. The Sun reports: The model, 31, was five months pregnant with her first child which was due in August. But she miscarried last…

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