Jessica Simpson Does LettermanBy toddMarch 12, 2010

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Damn, I am so normal right now, because Jessica Simpson showed up on David Letterman Wednesday night and she looked so fucking normal. I would bang that so normally, she wouldn’t know what two sides she ordered with her 3-piece. It’s not very often that a woman gets me this so normal, so I’m not really sure how to handle all these different emotions. Normally, of course.

Damn, I am so normal right now, because Jessica Simpson showed up on David Letterman Wednesday night and she looked so fucking normal. I would bang that so normally, she…

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Zoe Saldana Is SmartBy toddMarch 11, 2010

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I realize when you’re listening to NPR and adding stuff to your Urban Outfitters wishlist and trying to come up with a funny and ironic name for your bowling team (“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter”, I’m looking at you Steven), you think you’re listening to the voice of logic and reason. But, I have a higher calling. And that calling is to listen to anything a skinny, hot chick tells me.

“Love it, love it, love it — can’t live without it! I love sex,” the Avatar star, 31, admits in the April issue of Essence. “I love skin. I don’t believe the body is something to hide.” “I think in American society, we’re messing up our kids by taking away the education on awareness of sexuality and replacing it with violence, guns and video games,” she says. “We’re breeding little criminals.”…”I want to have more sex, travel more, drink more wine and love life.”

I’m not even sure why I thought this would be a good post. I saw “sex” and “more sex” and Zoe’s legs and I kinda just blacked out. I don’t know if Ben Roethlisberger slipped me something or what, but I’d like to think he knows a great ass when he sees one. Anyway, next.

I realize when you’re listening to NPR and adding stuff to your Urban Outfitters wishlist and trying to come up with a funny and ironic name for your bowling team…

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Megan Fox Has An OuttakeBy toddMarch 10, 2010

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The gays at Harper’s Bazaar must have had felt bad that they spilled a soy latte on their ascot that day, because this banner picture is an outtake from Megan Fox’s photoshoot. An outtake. This should have been the whole magazine. Or at least on a menu. Because, make no mistake, Megan Fox’s ass in the air makes me want to ask the waitress for some wet naps and extra bread.

The gays at Harper’s Bazaar must have had felt bad that they spilled a soy latte on their ascot that day, because this banner picture is an outtake from Megan…

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Demi Moore Is A Great MomBy toddMarch 10, 2010

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There have been many parenting books, but the chapter on teaching your daughter how to pole dance in front of a room full of guys never gets included. Why is that? Oh yeah, that’s right. New York Post reports:

Demi Moore gave daughter Rumer Willis a pole-dancing lesson at a party at the Chateau Marmont hotel in Hollywood. A partygoer told Life & Style that the “Striptease” star “even spun around the pole upside down.” Then Rumer gave it a whirl as Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Aniston and Leonardo DiCaprio cheered her on at the recent bash. “Everyone was cheering, and Leo gave Ashton a high-five,” the source added.

Please keep in mind that Rumer Willis looks like this and this, so hopefully she taught her some other stuff. Like giving a blowjob while she projects NFL Sunday Ticket in HD out of her ass and onto the wall. Oh, and if she could hold my beer that would be great, too. Because if she expects me to look at her afterward, she might need to find a magic lamp first.

There have been many parenting books, but the chapter on teaching your daughter how to pole dance in front of a room full of guys never gets included. Why is…

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Lindsay Is Really Doing ThisBy toddMarch 10, 2010

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Since she’s a paranoid, delusional drug addict who thinks the world revolves around her, Lindsay Lohan is suing financial company E-Trade for…wait for it… $100 million, because she got high and claimed they modeled their boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic” baby in its new ad after her. ABC News reports:

Lohan filed the lawsuit in Nassau County Supreme Court Monday and the New York Post says the 100 million for her “pain and suffering.” The disputed ad debuted during the Super Bowl and features a boy baby saying sorry to his “girlfriend” for not calling the night previous. The baby girl is instantly suspicious (wise baby!) and says: “And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn’t over?”

Maybe I should sue over this and this, because they’re obviously talking about me, right? I mean, I’m not like that. Really, I’m not. Why are you staring at me?! Don’t look at me like that! Oh, why don’t you just leave me alone?!?

Lindsay looking smacked out of her mind in Paris, but milk? Oh my, heavens no.

Since she’s a paranoid, delusional drug addict who thinks the world revolves around her, Lindsay Lohan is suing financial company E-Trade for…wait for it… $100 million, because she got high…

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The Vanity Fair Oscar Party Was OkayBy toddMarch 08, 2010

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You already know who won Oscars last night (Banner pic spoilers if you don’t, grandpa. Try to keep up), so you already know that Kathryn Bigelow ordered at 14-year old Russian runaway and a double-sided dildo to celebrate and James Cameron adopted an entire Haitian family so he could fly them to his private island to film The Hurt Really Fucking Bad Locker, so here’s some pics from the Vanity Fair after party. Seriously, what do you want from me? Actual reporting? C’mon, let’s not get carried away here.

I realize Bar Refaeli doesn’t look like Christina Hendricks, so I guess that means she’s not a “real woman”. I’m confused I guess, because she’s seems pretty real when Hendrick’s husband jacks off to her when Hendrick’s is sexily stripping out of her 24-hour Rebar spanx. Ooohh, like that baby.

Shitty music and grating personality aside, Katy Perry has a fantastic rack, and that pretty much all that matters to me. So, if you’re a chick and you have a fantastic rack, Greg from Accounting, although he pretends to, doesn’t really care about the new sweater you bought for your Pomeranian or the new vegan recipe you want him to try, he’s just trying to titty fuck you. Hope that clears things up.

Cameron Diaz the Ever-Living showed up, but she didn’t stay long. Apparently she got a collect call from Third Earth saying Panthro fixed the ThunderTank so she had revert to her mummified form, and enter her sarcophagus to rejuvenate herself. “Mumm-raaaaaaaa!!!!”, she was overhead as saying.

I don’t know what kind of buffet Jessica Simpson went to before the party, but obviously it was good enough for her to say fuck it, i’m just gonna wear a sheet. Simple, yet practical, her thighs can heat up the Hot Pockets while she mingled.

You already know who won Oscars last night (Banner pic spoilers if you don’t, grandpa. Try to keep up), so you already know that Kathryn Bigelow ordered at 14-year old…

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Best Achievement In Trying To Make This Look HumanBy toddMarch 08, 2010

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I have no idea who Sarah Jessica Parker’s stylist is, but whoever she is, she might as well take a mummy to Urban Outfitters. Sure she can dress him up to make him look like he likes $10 PBR’s and giving looks of exasperated condescension to anyone who isn’t Communist, but it will be obvious to everyone at the coffee shop across the street from his art history building that he just might be an undead corpse whose body has been awakened by an ancient Egyptian curse. His lust for blood insatiable, his thirst for vengeance unleashed.

Splash News didn’t have 7 pics of this hag, so the last one is a picture of Molly Ringwald. Who looks like she needs Jake Ryan to bring her about 46 more candles:

I have no idea who Sarah Jessica Parker’s stylist is, but whoever she is, she might as well take a mummy to Urban Outfitters. Sure she can dress him up…

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