Matt Lauer Is A Sexual Deviant, Really SorryBy toddNovember 30, 2017
Matt Lauer Is A Sexual Deviant, Really Sorry

 

When we woke up yesterday, we found out that Matt Lauer had been fired by NBC for “inappropriate sexual behavior“. That was definitely one way to say it. Another way to say it, was what we found out when a Variety article dropped yesterday afternoon. We learned that Lauer liked to pull his dick out. We learned that Lauer liked sending random staffers dildos and telling them how he’d like to use it on them. We learned that Lauer had a button in his office that locked women inside. We learned that NBC was cool for it for a while because Today had great ratings. This morning, Matt Lauer is really sorry.

 

 

Here’s the full transcript if you haven’t pivoted to video yet:

“There are no words to express my sorrow and regret for the pain I have caused others by words and actions. To the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry. As I am writing this I realize the depth of the damage and disappoint I have left behind at home and at NBC. Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I regret that my shame is now shared by the people I cherish deeply,” the former Today anchor wrote. “Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I am committed to beginning that effort. It is now my full-time job.” Lauer, who was fired from NBC News after a swift internal investigation, added, “The last two days have forced me to take very hard look at my own troubling flaws. It’s been humbling. I am blessed to be surrounded by people I love. I thank them for their patience and grace.”

Basically, as it always goes with these apologies, he’s just sorry he got caught and is said he can’t hit his rape button and show young woman trying to do her job a dildo. But like, imagine having a rape button and thinking you’re cool and everyone in the office loves you. Wild.

  When we woke up yesterday, we found out that Matt Lauer had been fired by NBC for “inappropriate sexual behavior“. That was definitely one way to say it. Another…

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Here’s The Dude Who Deactivated Donald Trump’s Twitter For 11 MinutesBy toddNovember 30, 2017
Here’s The Dude Who Deactivated Donald Trump’s Twitter For 11 Minutes

 

Earlier this month, Donald Trump’s Twitter account was deactivated for 11 minutes and Twitter rejoiced. Like, people were legit happy about it. Not me, because Trump’s tweets are hilarious because I enjoy laughing into the void, and I don’t think I follow anybody on Twitter who constantly self-owns themselves daily. Anyway, it was learned his account was deactivated by a contractor on his last day on the job. His name is Bahtiyar Duysak and this is him (via TechCrunch):

Duysak, a twenty-something with Turkish roots who was born and raised in Germany, was working as a contractor for a fixed term for the last part of his stay in the U.S. under a work and study visa. In addition to his role at Twitter with Pro Unlimited, other assignments had included stints in monetization at Google and YouTube via another contractor, Vaco.

Duysak is back in Germany now, but after deactivated the most precious thing in the President of the United States’ life, he now just wants everybody to leave him alone and not kill him and his family.

“I want to continue an ordinary life. I don’t want to flee from the media,” he said. “I want to speak to my neighbors and friends. I had to delete hundreds of friends, so many pictures, because reporters are stalking me. I just want to continue an ordinary life.” “I didn’t do any crime or anything evil, but I feel like Pablo Escobar,” he said, “and slowly it’s getting really annoying.”

I’m really surprised “I didn’t do any crime or anything evil” isn’t Trump’s Twitter bio by now, because it sounds like something he’d say. But as far as Duysak goes, I’d probably stay in Germany for the rest of my life in a drone-free zone.

 

  Earlier this month, Donald Trump’s Twitter account was deactivated for 11 minutes and Twitter rejoiced. Like, people were legit happy about it. Not me, because Trump’s tweets are hilarious…

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Charles Manson Is Gonna Die SoonBy toddNovember 16, 2017
Charles Manson Is Gonna Die Soon

 

Charles Manson is 83 and has lived about 46 years longer than he should have, so this is great news. Per LA Times:

Authorities confirmed Wednesday that mass murderer Charles Manson is back in a Bakersfield hospital, though the severity of his condition is unclear. Kern County Sheriff’s Lt. Bill Smallwood confirms that Manson is at a local hospital but could not say more. Vicky Waters, a spokeswoman for the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation, declined to comment, citing federal and state medical privacy laws that preclude the agency “from commenting on protected health information for any inmate in our custody.” Waters did confirm, however, that Manson is alive.

TMZ, as usual, gets more to the point.

We’re told the 83-year-old Manson, who lays still covered in blankets, looks ashen. Our sources say Manson’s health has been steadily deteriorating and, as it was put to us, “It’s just a matter of time.”

Man, I’m brown and it’s November, so I am also ashen. Didn’t know we had that in common. Gonna stop now to put on some lotion.

 

Horrific mass murder aside, this is still better than anything on Reputation:

 

  Charles Manson is 83 and has lived about 46 years longer than he should have, so this is great news. Per LA Times: Authorities confirmed Wednesday that mass murderer Charles…

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Nicki Minaj Didn’t Break The InternetBy toddNovember 16, 2017
Nicki Minaj Didn’t Break The Internet

 

Kinda naked women don’t break the Internet anymore, because it’s usually broken by Trump tweets and telecom monopolies who keep data speeds trapped in a tower like Rapunzel. But Nicki Minaj tried, I guess. I was gonna post this yesterday, but I was waiting for more pics to come out because nobody cared and I realized Minaj wouldn’t be able to let it go. I was right. She dropped more pics on her photoshoot with Paper Magazine on her Instagram. I downloaded them. Not sure if knowing Minaj wants to have sex with herself and lick her own asshole is supposed to be shocking. Like, we kinda already knew that, right? Cool cool.

 

  Kinda naked women don’t break the Internet anymore, because it’s usually broken by Trump tweets and telecom monopolies who keep data speeds trapped in a tower like Rapunzel. But…

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