Alice Eve Is A ThrowbackBy toddMay 03, 2018
Alice Eve Is A Throwback

 

Hey, remember Alice Eve? It seems like only 2013 when she was Hollywood’s go to for “blonde with huge breasts.” I wonder what happened? *Googles her age* Ah. I see. Well, she’s in a new movie called The Con Is On with Uma Thurman and Sofia Vergara, and here’s what she wore to the premiere. Vergara didn’t attend the premiere because either the movie is terrible or Alice Eve’s cleavage didn’t want to feel inadequate. Hey, don’t be like that, Alice Eve’s cleavage. I think you’re pretty special. Are you also in the movie? Is that so? Nice, nice.

 

  Hey, remember Alice Eve? It seems like only 2013 when she was Hollywood’s go to for “blonde with huge breasts.” I wonder what happened? *Googles her age* Ah. I…

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Anna Kendrick Did CinemaConBy toddMay 02, 2018
Anna Kendrick Did CinemaCon

 

I woke up mad planning to write about Kanye’s 400 years of “slavery was a choice thing, but then I realized I’m Native American and there’s a reason why you don’t see a whole group of us out literally anywhere. Y’all should helped us out, yo. I guess Buffalo Soldiers had an easier choice, but they killed us anyway. Thanks, guys. Glad we had that talk. So anyway, here’s Anna Kendrick at 2018 CinemaCon. Anna Kendrick who probably wouldn’t have existed if we had teamed up. I really like her dress.

 

  I woke up mad planning to write about Kanye’s 400 years of “slavery was a choice“ thing, but then I realized I’m Native American and there’s a reason why…

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Avicii Killed Himself With Broken GlassBy toddMay 01, 2018
Avicii Killed Himself With Broken Glass

 

On April 20, DJ Avicii was found dead in Oman at the age of 28. I was like, “who is Avicii?” Then somebody played me what I guess is his most famous song and I was like, “oh okay.” Then pretty much everybody had a GOOD FEELING he committed suicide, YEAH. Then his parents released a statement and pretty much confirmed it. What we didn’t know is how he did it. Until now. Yikes.

Our sources say the method of death was a shard of glass that caused massive bleeding. Two sources tell us Avicii broke a bottle and used the glass to inflict the fatal wound. One of the sources says it was a wine bottle.  Two sources tell us the point of injury was Avicii’s neck but another strongly denies that, saying it was his wrist. We cannot confirm this, but the sources were privy to specific information about Avicii’s death.

Damn. Dude really must have wanted to leave the Earth. He used a wine bottle, so at least he died doing what he loved. RIP, bro.

  On April 20, DJ Avicii was found dead in Oman at the age of 28. I was like, “who is Avicii?” Then somebody played me what I guess is…
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Happy Monday From Emily RatajkowskiBy toddApril 30, 2018
Happy Monday From Emily Ratajkowski

 

Good morning. How’s your Monday? Great, great, Glad to hear it. Lots of things happened this weekend. Michelle Wolf‘s sorta funny set at the White House correspondents’ dinner went well. The side who loves to call people snowflakes got super offended, and the side who gets super offended at children in Halloween costumes really loved a woman attacking another woman. Also, they took time out to tweet support Joy Reid who literally floated out “fake news” then is still trying to lie about it for some reason. They also used anecdotal evidence to throw support behind Tom Brokaw, who has been accused of sexual misconduct by two women. There is no right or wrong anymore, there’s just two sides. How cool is that?! Anyway, here’s Emily Ratajkowski in a tiny bikini dancing to a song that she probably doesn’t really listen to at all.

 

(more…)

  Good morning. How’s your Monday? Great, great, Glad to hear it. Lots of things happened this weekend. Michelle Wolf‘s sorta funny set at the White House correspondents’ dinner went…

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Here’s The ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ PremiereBy toddApril 27, 2018
Here’s The ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ Premiere

 

Since Avengers: Infinity War dropped last night, here’s a bunch of pics from the premiere. SPOILER: It has a lot of people in it. I hope some of these characters die, because this is too much. I also hope a lot of the DC characters die, but for different reasons. But yeah, here’s all the people you know from the Marvel movies not wearing their dumb ass costumes but wearing costumes picked out for them by a team of stylists months before.

 

  Since Avengers: Infinity War dropped last night, here’s a bunch of pics from the premiere. SPOILER: It has a lot of people in it. I hope some of these…

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Allison Mack Tried To Recruit Meryl Streep On Twitter To Join Her Sex CultBy toddApril 25, 2018
Allison Mack Tried To Recruit Meryl Streep On Twitter To Join Her Sex Cult

 

Hey, remember when Allison Mack was second in command of sex cult? Well, everybody is arrested now, including Mack, who got indicted for sex trafficking and got released on a $5M bond to her parents. That ride home could have been a sequel to A Quiet Place. She tried to recruit Emma Watson and Kelly Clarkson, and I guess she got comfortable jacking shit up from half court, because she also tried to recruit MERYL STREEP.

 

The act of picking up your phone, opening Twitter, and tweeting Meryl Streep to ascertain if she’d be interested in joining a sex cult is a psychosis we can’t accurately measure here. “Meryl, big fan. Big fan. Would you like to join a sex cult and have your vagina branded? Let me know!” Like, why do women fall for dudes who create some weird stuff just to get laid? I hope the future isn’t this female. She should have tweeted Justin Trudeau. He probably would’ve joined if it came with a free pink t-shirt.

 

  Hey, remember when Allison Mack was second in command of sex cult? Well, everybody is arrested now, including Mack, who got indicted for sex trafficking and got released on…

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‘Venom’ Has An Official Trailer And It Kinda Sucks Pretty HardBy toddApril 24, 2018
‘Venom’ Has An Official Trailer And It Kinda Sucks Pretty Hard

 

I really don’t know what to tell you. All I know about Venom is that dude from That 70s Show played him in that horrible Spider-Man movie. That is the extent of my Venom knowledge. I don’t know anymore Venom things. But yeah, this looks pretty wack. Tom Hardy not acting very well and doing some weird accent, Michelle Williams doing her best Michelle Williams concerned face, and that dude from Rogue One you loved so much you can even remember his character’s name. And Jenny Slate for some reason. Jenny Slate saying “sym-BI-ote” twice. From what I can tell, when you become Venom, you talk to yourself and get a long penis for a tongue. Missed opportunity not to make Venom a lesbian. Anyway, here’s the trailer. It’s a Sony movie, so expect Tom Hardy to eat Papa Johns at some point, but drink Coke separately because Papa Johns doesn’t carry Coke products. You heard it here first.

 

  I really don’t know what to tell you. All I know about Venom is that dude from That 70s Show played him in that horrible Spider-Man movie. That is…

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Kate Middleton Is Great At Her JobBy toddApril 23, 2018
Kate Middleton Is Great At Her Job

 

Kate Middleton (I still call her Kate) just dropped her third baby in five years, because why not be a broodmare for the royal family when you get to wear dumb hats and live in a castle? Live your best life, Katie. Also, her mother-in-law would probably tell her what happens when you stop spitting kids out and try to help AIDS victims and such, but she’s dead. Per People:

“Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a son at 1101hrs,” the statement said. “The baby weighs 8lbs 7oz. The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.” “The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Harry and members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news,” the statement continued. “Her Royal Highness and her child are both doing well.”

Wow, a woman and a man had a baby. That’s wild. Man, London is great. So sophisticated and more progressive than America. Unless you’re gay and don’t like the thrill of potentially being stabbed to death when you walk outside or aren’t super into rampant crime. Other than that, you get to be excited about a newborn who will have every advantage you never will, peasant. Pictures, please!

  Kate Middleton (I still call her Kate) just dropped her third baby in five years, because why not be a broodmare for the royal family when you get to…

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Javier Bardem Loves Woody Allen And Doesn’t Really Care Who KnowsBy toddApril 20, 2018
Javier Bardem Loves Woody Allen And Doesn’t Really Care Who Knows

 

Since Javier Bardem is an amazing actor and doesn’t have to worry about losing roles for his opinions, and since he’s banging Penelope Cruz and doesn’t have to worry about appearing woke for pussy, he did an interview with Paris Match, and when he was asked if he felt ashamed for working with Woody Allen on 2008’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona after Dylan Farrow accused the director of rape, he said “absolutely not.” Per People:

“If there was evidence that Woody Allen was guilty, then yes, I would have stopped working with him, but I have doubts,” he said. “I am very shocked by this sudden treatment. Judgments in the states of New York and Connecticut found him innocent. The legal situation today is the same as in 2007.”

Obviously, all of what Javier Bardem is true, but it’s 2018 and you better not fucking say shit like that, because you’ll get articles like this and this written about you. I totally understand the whole “believe women” thing, but I just watched Wild, Wild Country, and I have to tell you, I’m not sure if that should always be your go-to response. Allen marrying his adopted daughter is weird and kinda nauseating, but Prince William and Kate Middleton are cousins and their wedding was televised. They even let them around children. Pretty crazy.

  Since Javier Bardem is an amazing actor and doesn’t have to worry about losing roles for his opinions, and since he’s banging Penelope Cruz and doesn’t have to worry…

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Stormy Daniels Is Cashing In EverywhereBy toddApril 19, 2018
Stormy Daniels Is Cashing In Everywhere

 

Not content to be on The View, Jimmy Kimmel, Anderson Cooper and 60 Minutes, Stormy Daniels is now set to be on the cover of Penthouse and talk again about the time she had consensual, unprotected sex with Donald Trump then took $130K to not talk about it until Tom Brady threatened her into silence. She really just wants her story out there, it’s not about money. Totally. Not about money at all. Why would you even think that? You’re ridiculous for assuming that.

The issue, which hits newsstands across North America on May 8, brands the porn actress the “Penthouse Pet of the Century” followed by the sub-headline: “Getting Intimate with the Most Wanted Woman in America.” Sources close to Penthouse have informed The Daily Beast that Daniels “talks about everything” concerning her alleged 2011 affair with President Donald Trump during the interview—including several NSFW bits left out of her 60 Minutes chat.

Except, you know, she probably won’t talk about everything, because she hasn’t signed a book deal yet. The only way she’ll talk about everything is if people stop talking about her. That’s how all this usually works.

“We are really excited to have Stormy back on the cover of the magazine,” said Kelly Holland, CEO and owner of Penthouse. “She was a Penthouse Pet back in 2007, so we have a history with Stormy, and she has a good relationship with us.” Daniels’ magazine issue also boasts a “new nude photo spread shot by Keith Munyan,” as well as a “full-length, in-depth interview,” with a reporter for the publication spending “several days with the magazine.”

Yay, a nude photo shoot. If I wanted to see naked pics of a chick the President banged, I’d Google his wife. Or that Karen lady. Not sure if Ivanka has any out there. But you have to give it up for Stormy. Juanita Broaddrick got raped and can’t even get a call from Anderson Cooper or Kimmel. Stormy let Donnie hit it raw and gets a magazine cover and a special place in Democrats’ hearts. All you struggling IG models take note. I know you’re thinking about moving to LA since you got 85 likes on your latest selfie, but if you’re really concerned about your career, you’d bang the President.

 

banner pic = Penthouse

  Not content to be on The View, Jimmy Kimmel, Anderson Cooper and 60 Minutes, Stormy Daniels is now set to be on the cover of Penthouse and talk again…

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