Allison Mack Tried To Recruit Meryl Streep On Twitter To Join Her Sex CultBy toddApril 25, 2018
Allison Mack Tried To Recruit Meryl Streep On Twitter To Join Her Sex Cult

 

Hey, remember when Allison Mack was second in command of sex cult? Well, everybody is arrested now, including Mack, who got indicted for sex trafficking and got released on a $5M bond to her parents. That ride home could have been a sequel to A Quiet Place. She tried to recruit Emma Watson and Kelly Clarkson, and I guess she got comfortable jacking shit up from half court, because she also tried to recruit MERYL STREEP.

 

The act of picking up your phone, opening Twitter, and tweeting Meryl Streep to ascertain if she’d be interested in joining a sex cult is a psychosis we can’t accurately measure here. “Meryl, big fan. Big fan. Would you like to join a sex cult and have your vagina branded? Let me know!” Like, why do women fall for dudes who create some weird stuff just to get laid? I hope the future isn’t this female. She should have tweeted Justin Trudeau. He probably would’ve joined if it came with a free pink t-shirt.

 

  Hey, remember when Allison Mack was second in command of sex cult? Well, everybody is arrested now, including Mack, who got indicted for sex trafficking and got released on…

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Kate Middleton Is Great At Her JobBy toddApril 23, 2018
Kate Middleton Is Great At Her Job

 

Kate Middleton (I still call her Kate) just dropped her third baby in five years, because why not be a broodmare for the royal family when you get to wear dumb hats and live in a castle? Live your best life, Katie. Also, her mother-in-law would probably tell her what happens when you stop spitting kids out and try to help AIDS victims and such, but she’s dead. Per People:

“Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a son at 1101hrs,” the statement said. “The baby weighs 8lbs 7oz. The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.” “The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Harry and members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news,” the statement continued. “Her Royal Highness and her child are both doing well.”

Wow, a woman and a man had a baby. That’s wild. Man, London is great. So sophisticated and more progressive than America. Unless you’re gay and don’t like the thrill of potentially being stabbed to death when you walk outside or aren’t super into rampant crime. Other than that, you get to be excited about a newborn who will have every advantage you never will, peasant. Pictures, please!

  Kate Middleton (I still call her Kate) just dropped her third baby in five years, because why not be a broodmare for the royal family when you get to…

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Javier Bardem Loves Woody Allen And Doesn’t Really Care Who KnowsBy toddApril 20, 2018
Javier Bardem Loves Woody Allen And Doesn’t Really Care Who Knows

 

Since Javier Bardem is an amazing actor and doesn’t have to worry about losing roles for his opinions, and since he’s banging Penelope Cruz and doesn’t have to worry about appearing woke for pussy, he did an interview with Paris Match, and when he was asked if he felt ashamed for working with Woody Allen on 2008’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona after Dylan Farrow accused the director of rape, he said “absolutely not.” Per People:

“If there was evidence that Woody Allen was guilty, then yes, I would have stopped working with him, but I have doubts,” he said. “I am very shocked by this sudden treatment. Judgments in the states of New York and Connecticut found him innocent. The legal situation today is the same as in 2007.”

Obviously, all of what Javier Bardem is true, but it’s 2018 and you better not fucking say shit like that, because you’ll get articles like this and this written about you. I totally understand the whole “believe women” thing, but I just watched Wild, Wild Country, and I have to tell you, I’m not sure if that should always be your go-to response. Allen marrying his adopted daughter is weird and kinda nauseating, but Prince William and Kate Middleton are cousins and their wedding was televised. They even let them around children. Pretty crazy.

  Since Javier Bardem is an amazing actor and doesn’t have to worry about losing roles for his opinions, and since he’s banging Penelope Cruz and doesn’t have to worry…

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Stormy Daniels Is Cashing In EverywhereBy toddApril 19, 2018
Stormy Daniels Is Cashing In Everywhere

 

Not content to be on The View, Jimmy Kimmel, Anderson Cooper and 60 Minutes, Stormy Daniels is now set to be on the cover of Penthouse and talk again about the time she had consensual, unprotected sex with Donald Trump then took $130K to not talk about it until Tom Brady threatened her into silence. She really just wants her story out there, it’s not about money. Totally. Not about money at all. Why would you even think that? You’re ridiculous for assuming that.

The issue, which hits newsstands across North America on May 8, brands the porn actress the “Penthouse Pet of the Century” followed by the sub-headline: “Getting Intimate with the Most Wanted Woman in America.” Sources close to Penthouse have informed The Daily Beast that Daniels “talks about everything” concerning her alleged 2011 affair with President Donald Trump during the interview—including several NSFW bits left out of her 60 Minutes chat.

Except, you know, she probably won’t talk about everything, because she hasn’t signed a book deal yet. The only way she’ll talk about everything is if people stop talking about her. That’s how all this usually works.

“We are really excited to have Stormy back on the cover of the magazine,” said Kelly Holland, CEO and owner of Penthouse. “She was a Penthouse Pet back in 2007, so we have a history with Stormy, and she has a good relationship with us.” Daniels’ magazine issue also boasts a “new nude photo spread shot by Keith Munyan,” as well as a “full-length, in-depth interview,” with a reporter for the publication spending “several days with the magazine.”

Yay, a nude photo shoot. If I wanted to see naked pics of a chick the President banged, I’d Google his wife. Or that Karen lady. Not sure if Ivanka has any out there. But you have to give it up for Stormy. Juanita Broaddrick got raped and can’t even get a call from Anderson Cooper or Kimmel. Stormy let Donnie hit it raw and gets a magazine cover and a special place in Democrats’ hearts. All you struggling IG models take note. I know you’re thinking about moving to LA since you got 85 likes on your latest selfie, but if you’re really concerned about your career, you’d bang the President.

 

banner pic = Penthouse

  Not content to be on The View, Jimmy Kimmel, Anderson Cooper and 60 Minutes, Stormy Daniels is now set to be on the cover of Penthouse and talk again…

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Carrie Underwood Lied To UsBy toddApril 16, 2018

 

Barely two months after Carrie Underwood said her face was disfigured because she might have got drunk and decided to argue with her husband and fell down before she made her point, she showed up to the 53rd Academy of Country Music Awards this weekend looking like this. Apparently she heals like Wolverine when it’s time for an awards show.  Is this the next stage of human evolution? Does the government know about this? What are they hiding from us? Mutant rights now. Also, her legs tho. Good lawd.

 

Had a great rehearsal for the @acmawards ! Can’t wait until tomorrow night! #CryPretty #ACMAwards A post shared by Carrie Underwood (@carrieunderwood) on Apr 14, 2018 at 6:23pm PDT  …

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Khloe Kardashian Is Doing Great, Just GreatBy toddApril 12, 2018
Khloe Kardashian Is Doing Great, Just Great

 

Yesterday, we all learned that Khloe Kardashian‘s baby daddy, Tristan Thompson, was banging everything with a vagina who isn’t Khloe Kardashian.  Maybe it’s because he realized she looks like a trans woman. Or maybe not. Who am I to know the heart of another? Anyway, Khloe seems to be taking it well.

A source close to the Kardashian family said pregnant Khloé, who is due to give birth to their daughter any day now, “was devastated when she saw the pictures of Tristan with that girl, she went absolutely ballistic at him. She is not only hurt, she is humiliated and worried for their child. How could he do this, and so publicly, when their baby daughter could arrive within a week?”

Khloe lives in Cleveland with Thompson now, but Kris Jenner just flew out there, so you know how this going to end.

“The goal is to get Khloé out of there as fast as they can without jeopardizing the safety of the baby after she’s arrived,” a source told PEOPLE. “Khloé just wants to be home.”

As soon as the baby comes out, Kris Jenner is gonna have Tristan Thompson immediately paying insane child support payments to save up for the child’s complete body plastic surgery procedure when she turns 15. That shit ain’t cheap. I assume the Kardashian/Jenner family have a Groupon by now.  But if there’s anybody who totally devastated by this, it’s Kim Kardashian. She’s so distraught that her sister was betrayed that she’s posting bikini pics on Instagram. Just look at the sadness in her eyes. It’s truly painful to see.

 

  Yesterday, we all learned that Khloe Kardashian‘s baby daddy, Tristan Thompson, was banging everything with a vagina who isn’t Khloe Kardashian.  Maybe it’s because he realized she looks like…

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KONG MATE CHEAT ALSO HAVE SEX TAPEBy toddApril 11, 2018
KONG MATE CHEAT ALSO HAVE SEX TAPE

 

Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian posted this sweet and not staged at all pic of herself with Tristan Thompson (Black? Check. Average NBA player that her family fetishizes? Check.) on Instagram to celebrate the birth of their daughter who could pop out any time now. That’s wonderful. But what you might not know is that Khloe Kardashian is pregnant by Tristan Thompson because in 2016 Tristan Thompson cheated on his then pregnant girlfriend, Jordan Craig, with Khloe Kardashian then left Jordan Craig to be with Khloe Kardashian before his baby with Jordan Craig was born. Khloe Kardashian was quoted at that time saying that she was just “having fun” and didn’t “want any drama.” This concludes my dramatic irony part of the post, because guess what? You’re really not gonna believe this. Khloe Kardashian is pregnant and Tristan Thompson is cheating on her with multiple women. If only she had some sort of sign before she got pregnant.

 

Apparently Tristan Thompson was banging an IG model (isn’t it always IG models?) all last weekend in NYC, and now she really wants you to know it was her.

A woman claiming she spent the night with Tristan Thompson in NYC this weekend posted and quickly deleted a sex tape and a number of raunchy text messages allegedly with the NBA All-Star. The woman — who goes by @ms.stephaniee_ on Instagram — claims she’s the one who was seen in a video Saturday night walking into the Manhattan Four Seasons with Tristan. Tuesday night she filled her IG story alleged texts from Tristan and a video of a couple having sex … which she claims is her and Tristan. Neither of their faces is visible in the short clip. One of the alleged texts from Tristan read, “If I was there I would grab u while u try to walk away from me than I would pull ya hair and kiss you than rip ya clothes off and lay u down while I suck ya p**** and say sorry.”

The chick is supposedly Lani Blair. I guess you could rightfully stick with the “all men are trash” thing, and nobody would argue, but America really does have an epidemic of whores trying to cash out with famous, rich dudes. Can’t really blame them. What’s the point of having a vagina if it can’t be monetized? You should have to find the algorithm that works best for you and for your vagina. Sometimes that means banging a dude with a pregnant girlfriend at home.

 

TMZ also has a surveillance video footage of Tristan Thompson at a hookah lounge in Washington, D.C. hooking up with two chicks at once. This is obviously wrong, but let’s not pretend these chicks don’t watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians. They have kept up and now who Tristan Thompson is. Also, I assume that any of the three women we’ve mentioned her are hotter, younger, and less pregnant than Khloe, so we really don’t need senate committee hearings to find out why he cheated. I really don’t feel bad or sorry for anyone in this story, so I’ll just end this post now. Drink one for Lamar Odom later today.

 

  Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian posted this sweet and not staged at all pic of herself with Tristan Thompson (Black? Check. Average NBA player that her family fetishizes? Check.) on Instagram…

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Cardi B Is PregnantBy toddApril 09, 2018
Cardi B Is Pregnant

 

Hey, that one dude from Migos got Cardi B pregnant, and for some reason they both seem excited about it. Apparently there’s been rumors for a while, but she decided to confirm those rumors on the most recent SNL. Why did she keep it a secret? If you can decipher this, you’ll have your answer.

 

I guess I’m not one of those people who is supposed to understand why Cardi B is famous. She’s basically Woah Vicky and Bhad Bhabie, but she’s not white so people think this is great. Unlike Bruno Mars, who is somehow being accused of cultural appropriation. Must be his male privilege. This is basically her target audience:

 

 

So congrats to Cardi B and her pregnancy. Oh, and congrats on her new album which will give white girls, who don’t understand irony, Instagram captions for the duration of the summer.

 

  Hey, that one dude from Migos got Cardi B pregnant, and for some reason they both seem excited about it. Apparently there’s been rumors for a while, but she decided…

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Emily Ratajkowski Is Playing A “Girl Next Door Type” In A New NBC ShowBy toddApril 06, 2018
Emily Ratajkowski Is Playing A “Girl Next Door Type” In A New NBC Show

 

NBC has a new show coming out called Bright Futures. Here’s how Variety describes it:

“….a group of friends all stumbling through the transition from the clueless, immature twentysomethings they are now to the successful professionals they’re destined to be. In addition, Lisa Kudrow will serve as the show’s narrator.”

So basically Friends. It’s gonna star Emily Ratajkowski, Lilly Singh, Shameik Moore, Jimmy Tatro, and Calum Worthy. Pretty diverse cast! But it’s “Hollywood diverse” in the sense they cast a bunch of black and brown people but three white guys will write the show. BUT HERE’S HOW EMILY RATAJKOWSKI‘S CHARACTER IS DESCRIBED:

Ratajkowski will play Sarah, described as a girl-next-door type but also with a behind-the-ear tattoo. She can just as easily bro out with the guys as she can be the girliest girl.

lol what. Now, I’m not sure what types of women the casting director lives next door to, but if Emily Ratajkowski is what Hollywood thinks is a “girl next door”, I don’t know what they’d cast you as girl reading this. A white walker? Something haunting a house? I think this show might be perpetuating damaging girl next door beauty standards. MY COLUMN:

 

 

banner pic = Instagram

  NBC has a new show coming out called Bright Futures. Here’s how Variety describes it: “….a group of friends all stumbling through the transition from the clueless, immature twentysomethings…

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Lorde Had To Apologize To Whitney Houston’s Ghost On InstagramBy toddApril 06, 2018
Lorde Had To Apologize To Whitney Houston’s Ghost On Instagram

 

We all miss Whitney Houston. Not only did we lose a legendary singer and icon, we also lost our best defense against a huge rock hurtling towards Earth. We wouldn’t even ask for the receipts. Just go handle it, Whitney. You’re our only hope. But as you recall, she overdosed in a bathtub in 2012 with like 87 things in her systems, and her biggest hit was, “I Will Always Love You.” Lorde posted this pic on Instagram yesterday.

 

Lorde

 

Okay, granted, maybe not the best caption. But obviously, a second of critical thinking could make you understand what she meant, but you also have to remember she posted this on the Internet. Critical thinking doesn’t exist there. So, naturally, people who haven’t thought about Whitney Houston since she died went apeshit and Lorde had to publicly flog herself because she posted that she loved her bathtub.

“Extremely extremely poorly chosen quote,” she wrote. “I’m so sorry for offending anyone — I hadn’t even put this together I was just excited to take a bath. I’m an idiot. Love Whitney forever and ever. Sorry again.”

That’s right, Lorde. Fall on your damn knees and beg for forgiveness from people who will have moved on to the next thing they’re clutching their pearls over before you even finish writing your apology. Sorry your nice bath was interrupted.

  We all miss Whitney Houston. Not only did we lose a legendary singer and icon, we also lost our best defense against a huge rock hurtling towards Earth. We…

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