Incorrect, CeeLo. Incorrect.



In October 2012, CeeLo Green slipped a woman some ecstasy, then she woke up in bed with him the next morning with no idea what happened. And like any normal person would, she thought, “yeah, maybe he slipped me this shit so he could have sex with me while I was unconscious” and filed a police report. His lawyer claims the pair had consensual sex and Green plead not guilty. No rape charges were filed due to lack of evidence, but on Friday, CeeLo pleaded no contest to a felony drug charge and was sentenced to three years probation and 45 days of community. Uhhh…then he went on Twitter.

“If someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously,” he said, adding, “People who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!”

Look, I can understand that when you look like CeeLo Green, you might think the best course of action to facilitate sex is to render the woman incapacitated and unconscious so she’ll have no memory of it happening. I get that. And I’m not here to say what happened or what didn’t happen. The dude had his day in court, and for better or worse, that’s how it played out. I just want to know what fraternity CeeLo is pledging right now, because maybe I should pull him aside and tell him, that in my experience, sex is like waaaayyy better when the chick is awake and able to contribute equally to the two hours we both carved out of our busy schedules. If you have sex with a woman who is unconscious, uhh, that’s rape. There’s no possible way you can spin that, bruh. Sorry. If I wanted to have sex by myself, I can just jerk off. I’ve been doing it since I was 13, and I’ve become amazingly proficient at it. It cures headaches, helps you sleep, calms your nerves, but most importantly, it’s pretty fun. But you know what’s even better? A chick who does it for you. Some are really great at it! Just something to keep in the back of your mind for next time.


On a related note, four male students from North Carolina State University in Raleigh, where I lived for five years of my life, developed a nail polish that detects GBH, Rohypnol or Xanax when the polish is dipped into a woman’s drink. The four students developed this drug, because they all personally knew victims of sexual assault then identified a problem and found a way to prevent it. But then….feminists happened. They shit all over it. Maybe because four dudes came up with the idea first. Why you might ask? Because, and I’m quoting here, “I Shouldn’t Have To Dip My Nails In A Drink To Reduce My Risk Of Rape”. Yes, it doesn’t get to the root cause of rape, but tell you what, until we figure that shit out, slap on that fucking nail polish, so your actual risk goes way down. Unfortunately we don’t live in a Vagina Utopia where each one is respected and walked home without incident, but sadly, that’s not the case. The LoJack on my truck doesn’t get to the root cause of  grand larceny either, but guess what? This coffee shop has a pretty big window and I can clearly see my truck. Like, I’m waving to it right now. It’s not waving back, because we as a society haven’t progressed that far technologically.

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