Good God, Man

 

I don't know what the 11th Annual John Varvatos Stuart House Benefit is, but damn. Thanks for having it. Because you remember when Jessica Simpson was your favorite dog and you would pet her and tell her how much you loved her then she got rabies and it gave you the sads, because you still wanted to love her but there was nothing there to love anymore? You do? Awesome. Because if you weren't good with metaphors, Jessica Simpson was one of the hottest chicks on earth because she hit the penis trifecta of dumb, blonde, huge rack. Then she got pregnant for like eight years and turned into some kind of  weird, bloated, mutation of a Jessica Simpson. Dark times. Well, this is what she looks like now. Keep in mind she has two kids, and usually after a woman has two kids, she's  figuratively taken out into a field and shot then buried in PTA sweatpants. Jessica Simpson is in this dress. I'll leave you to it.

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