Since somebody thought it would be a good idea to make a holiday commemorating the torture and death of Jesus and the original Newton, The Passover, we’re taking a half day here today. Like we always do on holidays. Damn, is there any holiday that doesn’t involve somebody dying or breaking into your house? What’s up, God? You okay? You need to go talk with someone? Maybe get a hug?
Note: See ya Monday. Remember to hide some painted eggs and give chocolate bunnies to little kids to remember Jesus’ sacrifice. Makes sense if you try not to think about it.
Kim Kardashian was on Jay Leno last, and if you thought she was a vapid whore who will ruin her child’s life at every turn, congratulations! You were right! Go you! Us Weekly reports:
“We have a list, and some of them are K names some of them aren’t,” she said. “[North] is not on our list. But you know what name I do like — but it probably won’t be on [our list], because it kinda goes with North – I like Easton. Easton West. I think that’s cute.”
Look, I know abortion continues to be a hot button issue in our society even though it really shouldn’t be, but maybe we should hear what this kid has to say before you start making any snap judgments.
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You’re not going to believe this one, but somebody gave Lindsay Lohan a job and she took everything that wasn’t bolted down.E! reports:
After the first day of filming for her guest role on Charlie Sheen’s Anger Management, producers allowed her to go home Monday with a bracelet from set to wear out that night. Then on Wednesday, the same day she wrapped up filming, she was spotted wearing the same bracelet on her way to the airport for her trip to Rio de Janeiro. While a source confirms to E! News that this is the same bracelet from the Anger Management set, the exact conditions of Lindsay’s wearing the jewelry are unclear. It could have been something she needed to return (flashback to 2011 when she swiped that $2500 necklace from Kamofie & Co., a Venice, Calif., jewelry store) or it could’ve been a gift of appreciation from the FX comedy series.
Of course this is probably some kind of misunderstanding. Lindsay would never intentionally steal something. You know, except for that one time. And that other time. Oh, and that one time with the coat. And that other time. Yeah, and that one. I mean, other than that, she really doesn’t steal stuff then wear it in full view of photographers. You know, except those times that she has. Ok, whatever. Bitch stole it. Is that what you want to hear??!!
Olivia Wilde already said publicly that she and Jason Sudeikis have sex like “marathin runners”, and even though I’m not sure what that means exactly, they do seemingly go to Disneyland like hipsters and rid children’s rides to be ironic. Also, Olivia Wilde has a gigantic forehead. I don’t know. Just felt the need to point that out.
Somebody check CNN. There’s a weed shortage somewhere. New York Post reports:
We have exclusively learned Lohan, who’s refusing to go to court-ordered rehab until after Coachella, is hanging out with the “Twilight” star. A source told us, “They met through one of Lindsay’s friends who also knows Kristen. Lindsay was invited up to Kristen’s house last week, and they hung out with Robert Pattinson, who was back from filming in Australia.” The source said the women found they had a lot in common: “Lindsay and Kristen discussed their careers, creative ideas and how they deal with living under the focus of the media and the paparazzi.”
Close your eyes for a second. Imagine Lindsay Lohan and Kristen Stewart sitting in a room talking. At what point do you realize that one of them in possibly dead?
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Earlier this month, some dude named Jake Davidson asked Kate Upton to prom on YouTube (yes, people are still doing that). Put away the condoms and Boone’s Farm, kid. She’s not going. People reports:
“It was so flattering,” Upton, 20, tells PEOPLE. “The video was so cute, and I really appreciated it. There was something about it that I knew I had to respond.” “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to go with him or not, due to my schedule,” she says. “I want to, but I just don’t know if I can make it work. But I really appreciated being asked; it made me feel really great!”
She managed to say the kid had a “good sense of humor and confidence”, but she went to say that he didn’t have a contract with a pro team so there was really no way in hell that she was going to prom. “What the hell? Has he even ran into the back of his offensive lineman then fumbled before? I didn’t think so.”, Kate added.