Jessica Biel was on Conan Wednesday night, and halfway through the usual “oh hey I was such a tomboy growing up I haven’t always been this perfect” story, shit got weird. Us Magazine reports:
“They didn’t really stick around very long,” the 30-year-old explained. “I ended up mutilating them by pulling their heads off, cutting off all their hair, dyeing them with markers and sticking them on the Christmas tree lights. They’d light up like these demonic heads. My parents were very open!” When host Conan O’Brien called her tinkering “disturbing,” the Playing for Keeps actress laughed loudly. “Back then I don’t think people reported that kind of stuff. Now I would definitely be in trouble,” Justin Timberlake’s wife of one month said. “I still have the heads. They still go on [my Christmas tree] every year at home.”
So basically Jessica Biel is crazy. And when chicks are crazy, that really only translates to one thing: they’re cool with butt stuff. Look it up. I read it on WebMD.
Brad Pitt is looking his age finally [The Superficial] Hillary Duff‘s pants are a bit snug [Popoholic] Maria Fowler‘s liposuction was a good investment [Hollywood Tuna] Megan Fox had a baby come out of her two months ago. This is how she looks now. [MyEx] Jennifer Nicole Lee upskirt (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie] Gael Garcia Bernal is 34 (and hot) [Dlisted] Lindsay Lohan has a wet spot (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather] John Travolta thinks he can cure people [Celebuzz] Justin Bieber made $55 million this year [Celebitchy] Only awful people put their dogs in hoodies [COED Magazine] How machines really work [College Humor] Boy, that escalated quickly [The Chive] New and nudeworthy on Netflix (NSFW site) [Mr. Skin] This is the chick Lindsay Lohan punched [Moe Jackson] Christina Aguilera is a petty little bitch [Celebslam] Gabriel Aubry, Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez are all friends again [The Blemish] No one like Rihanna anymore [Evil Beet Gossip] Of course there is a new Nicholas Sparks movie [Lainey Gossip] Sabine Jemeljanova is topless [Egotastic] Liz Hurley‘s still got it [Cityrag] One Direction grab each other’s junk in new ad [Popcrush] 50 Shades of Grey‘s porn version is being sued [Film Drunk] Glee covered Gangnam Style and it was terrible [TooFab] Dr. Dre was the highest paid musician of 2012 [Popbytes] Jessica Simpson‘s second kid won’t be a bastard [Allie Is Wired] Ben Stiller is 47 [Celebrity VIP Lounge] Taken 2 is coming to Blu-ray [ComingSoon] Listen to the entire Hobbit soundtrack for free [Superhero Hype] ‘An impressive genre mish-mash of hardcore action, torture porn and slasher archetypes.’ [Crave Online] Farm truck wheelies! [Viralosity] Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez went on another date [Hollyscoop] Lea Michele looks terrible, again [Splash News] The best TV of this week in gifs [Starcrush]
The details surrounding Lindsay Lohan‘s assault arrest yesterday kept pouring in last night and long story short, details include a psychic, Lindsay getting drunk rage because this dude talked to another chick, spitting, racial slurs, and a bad review of Liz & Dick. It’s basically gotten out of control. You know, like Lindsay’s vodka consumption. TMZ reports
Lindsay Lohan’s drinking problem has returned with a vengeance — sources close to the actress tell TMZ, she’s been boozing heavily for months now … as much as TWO LITERS of vodka a day. According to sources, Lindsay’s become so stressed by her dire financial situation and the impending probation violation — stemming from her PCH crash this summer — that she’s turned to alcohol for relief. We’re told Lindsay — who’s struggled with substance abuse in the past and even has a DUI conviction under her belt – would often begin drinking first thing in the morning, and continue drinking throughout the day. As for the Thursday morning NYC nightclub brawl … we’re told Lindsay was drinking all day and showed up at the Bieber concert already hammered. She continued to drink throughout the night, and got extremely sloppy. According to sources, Lindsay’s friends have given up trying to help her because when she’s drunk … she tends to get violent — which makes sense in light of her arrest for assault.
I’d throw up if I drank two liters of Coke a day, much less vodka. Is this really a thing that people do? Does vodka contain vitamins? That seems pretty excessive. I don’t even know how this would be beneficial to anyone. I mean, unless there’s an alcoholic vampire out there somewhere. If there is, hey man, go for it.
Joe Jackson, the father of a lot of Jacksons and the inspiration to the hundreds of moms on Toddlers & Tiaras, suffered a stroke yesterday. TMZ reports:
Joe Jackson has suffered a stroke — and is currently being treated at a hospital. A source close to the family tells TMZ, Michael Jackson’s father suffered a “mini-stroke” last night. He was transported to a hospital, where he’s still being treated. Details surrounding the medical emergency are unclear, as well as how serious the actual stroke was.
Based on every TV movie I’ve seen, all I really know about Joe Jackson wasn’t really a nice guy and had an afro for the majority of his life. Maybe I shouldn’t be allowed to write his obituary.
Now some mandatory Michael Jackson to start your morning. I still probably wouldn’t let his ghost around kids, but just enjoy yourself.
Rihanna posted this pic to her Instagram last night of her hugging Chris Brown (be sure to read the caption), and if you’re flying into a rage instead of looking at dat ass, I understand. He beat her ass three years ago and now she’s hugging him and he’s not hugging her back. But trying to understand or make sense of why they’re back together is like trying to find a clock in Vegas. It’ll just leave you frustrated and still not knowing what time it is. Or you can just realize that she’s 24 and pretty busy most of the time and hasn’t had the chance to watch as much Dr. Phil as you have.
At 4:00am this morning, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for assault after she punched a woman in the face at a NYC nightclub. Then in a different time zone, Lindsay is being charged for 3 OTHER DIFFERENT THINGS IN CALIFORNIA. TMZ reports:
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the Santa Monica City Attorney will charge Lindsay TODAY with 3 CRIMES in connection with her car accident last June on Pacific Coast Highway in Santa Monica. After ramming her Porsche into a big rig, she lied to cops, telling them she was the passenger in the car when in fact she was the driver.
Lindsay will be charged with: – giving false information to a peace officer … punishable by up to 6 months in jail. – obstructing or resisting a police officer in the performance of his duty … punishable by 1 year in jail. – reckless driving … punishable by 90 days in jail.
As we first reported, when Lindsay is arraigned in L.A. — probably next week — the judge will revoke her probation in the jewelry heist case and set a hearing to determine if she will go to jail for a long period of time. One of the conditions of probation is that Lindsay must obey all laws. Speaking of which … her arrest this morning in NYC for assault (crime #4) could end up triggering a second reason to revoke her probation.
You may be thinking to yourself, “There’s no way Lindsay can get out of this shit. She’s going to jail.” But, of course you will be wrong. Lindsay never goes to jail. “Lindsay Lohan is my constant”. Go ahead an get that t-shirt made.
To be honest, I actually have no idea what Sophie Turner does besides pose for paparazzi and take mirror pics. I think she’s trying to be an actress. I guess my point is, she could be trying to be a member of Al-Queda and I really wouldn’t care, because have you rack and ass? Somebody’s penis has won the Powerball.
Elizabeth Taylor was married 8 times. Lindsay Lohan has almost been arrested 8 times. She was born to play the role! TMZ reports:
Our sources say Lohan was at Club Avenue when she got into some sort of argument with a female patron and it became physical. We’re told cops came and arrested Lindsay for allegedly assaulting her. Law enforcement tells us prior to the fight words were exchanged between Lindsay and the woman as they sat in separate booths near each other. Lindsay said something to the effect of, “Give me my space.” Some time passed and then, for some reason, Lindsay allegedly punched the girl in the left side of her face. We’re told by the time cops arrived Lindsay had left the club and was a passenger in a car that was leaving the area. Cops intercepted the car and made the arrest. While Lohan was in cuffs, she kept repeating, “Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?” And, if Lindsay is formally charged with the latest crime, it could trigger yet another probation violation.
Jesus, this bitch is exhausting. Here’s an idea: Stay your ass at home. Every time Lindsay comes within 100 yards of a club, nothing good happens. I don’t know the science or tech behind it, but somebody should put an invisible fence around every club in NYC and LA then design a collar that looks like a diamond necklace so Lindsay can steal it.
Let me preface this story by saying that a friend of mine was really good friends with Maroon 5‘s assistant touring manager. She now has left the business and lives in the middle of nowhere. Why? Because “they are the worst human beings on Earth”. Now on to our story. Huffington Post reports:
On Monday night’s episode, the Maroon 5 frontman and panel judge slammed the Sunset Strip club for slighting him and his band, back when they were still opening for Michelle Branch. “I remember we opened for her at the Roxy, and they didn’t even give us a dressing room. I hate the Roxy. I’ll never play there again,” ranted Levine. Then someone on the show tried to show the Roxy some love, but Levine wouldn’t let it go. “Oh, the Roxy is horrible. Don’t ever go there,” he said. “They screwed us over,” he continued. “And now they’re paying for it.”
Then this happened:
When Levine’s comments first came to light, the club played it polite with this tweet: “Ummm, what was that about?” Then the Roxy followed up with this sassy picture of their re-done marquee that reads, “Adam Levine Your Dressing Room Is Ready.”
Because apparently Adam Levine was off his meds, Roxy owner Nic Adler responded to Levine in this interview with Yahoo!
Maroon 5 played the Roxy at least five times,” he said. “[Adam's previous band] Kara’s Flowers played there like every weekend. I use Maroon 5 as an example of a hard-working band that played the Sunset Strip and played the clubs and blew up. And so when he said that…you know, the Roxy has no control over dressing rooms. If Michelle Branch is playing, it’s Michelle Branch’s show. And if her management says, ‘I want Michelle in this dressing room and I want her band in this other dressing room,’ we’re at the mercy of the headliner. For a band to think dressing rooms define how we treat bands is crazy.
So long story short, Adam Levine is a petty vagina and holds a grudge like God and a gay man. Awww, you didn’t get a dressing room when you were a nobody? Call your mom about it. Those tattoos aren’t fooling anyone, you effeminate jackass.
UPDATE: Hey, everybody remember Jess? She just texted me this: “He hit on me in catering tent once years ago. Right after being rude to my best gay. So I am not a fan.”